Pinch Me

Ya know those moments that feel so unreal? Like you need to pinch yourself to make sure you're not asleep? This is one of them.
I'm sitting by our Christmas tree feeding Joey and Im amazed that I have a son this Christmas morning. Last Christmas morning I saw my uncle for the last time as I stood next to his hospital bed and held his hand.
This year my family not only has a new little life to celebrate but hes mine! This year Im a mom, a Santa Claus and the happiest Ive ever been in my life because of it.

Today I can't see my parents and siblings because some of them are sick and we cant risk Joey catching it. I had a good cry with a smashin pity part when reality set in about this but since have been able to find some sweet things in this holiday to be thankful for like the fact that I cant spend another Christmas with Catie but not because shes with us anymore. Shes here celebrating another visit from santa and I'll see her in a week or so.. heck theres alot, I'll make a list of the best things like...

my 3 hugs from my Aunt Cathy yesterday that she obviously knew I needed more than I did.

my aunt marianne hosting xmas eve last minute so we could all be together.

watching my 3 little cousins from China, little Jake and my Joey all be together on Christmas for the first time.

Spending Christmas eve with my Nana and Poppie. My favorite couple of all time.

Seeing my dad and Amy out for a walk right by our apartment right as we were pulling up at home and flipping the fastest bitch of all time to go drive by and say hi.

Getting a call from the next generation of Poppie Santas. A lifelong tradish for us kids to get a phone call from our poppie disguised as Santa every year has now become a tradish for my dad to do since he is a Poppie this year. Joey wasn't in the mood to talk to Santa but it made my day.

Just some of my top fave things so far and its only Christmas morning! so far so good.

Merry Christmas!
xoxo

Change Can Be Good

Relief is one thing I didnt imagine feeling after my son was born. I mean sure, relief for my knees and heels and back but Im talking more emotional relief. I was almost positive Id have more stress because Id be trying to take care of my son and feel guilty for not taking care of Catie and Annie as much as I was. I thought this because a while back when one of the Batten kids became an angel I had a panic attack and I remember saying "my life will end with Caties life" over and over. My husband calmed me down and reminded me of the baby growing in my belly and assured me that he will become my priority and the one I care for most and that I will continue to care for him when Caties gone. I didnt believe him but now I know I should have. This little guy has become my life. I even feel like hes giving me a new life or at least helping me live the one Ive already been given. I dont dwell on losing Catie anymore.. and its not to say I dont feel bad for not helping with the girls but I dont let it take over me for missing one of their baths or showers.

I guess Im trying to say it feels so amazing to take care of a person that doesnt have an expected departure date.. To know Joeys going to grow with each feeding rather than wonder how much longer Caties mobility will allow her to eat before her tube is in full use. Little things like that. I guess thanks to Joeys life I finally understand my moms obsession with the word HOPE because I finally understand the meaning.

A Labor of Love

I have found a greater respect for my mom. For all moms. For the moms that are never there for their kids and the ones that are over bearing. For the moms that have been mothers for years upon years and moms who's motherhood stopped in the delivery room. For moms that embrace their children and those that embrace safe baby havens. If you've been through labor you have my full respect. It truly is a labor of love to bring someone into this world no matter what follows after that little baby is welcomed into the world.
I'm a mom now and this is my Labor of Love Story.

Sunday Nov. 22 Kyle was off for the day and his alarm failed. We missed church because we overslept but decided to make the best of it. We chilled in bed talking to my belly trying to convince Joey to come out so we could meet him. We told him to come out that night so daddy wouldn't have to work at 4am monday morning. Then we decided we'd do all we could to push him along. After all, people are convinced that certain things will put you in labor, I personally still believe the only thing that puts you in labor is a baby thats ready to come out but still, it was fun trying!
We "got to know each other" since everyone including the labor and delivery nurses said that it would induce labor..
then we went to pietros and got an all meat pizza.. 7 meats.. not my style but they say the meats really get things moving..
after lunch we took a nice long walk around downtown since gravity is said to move things along also..
After our relaxing date we headed over to my family's house and then his and we spent the afternoon catching up with our favorite people.
That evening I started having contractions but they weren't too painful and they were very far apart so I didn't think about it..we went home and went to bed and I was up all night with horrible contractions but for some reason didn't think about it at all.. I just kept sleeping inbetween them.

Monday Nov. 23 Kyle went to work at 4am. While he was there he was offered a job at the local radio station. good thing joey didn't come the night before!
I stayed home all day cleaning up.. My sister in law shook her head at me while I vacuumed and said to chill out since I was about to pop.. little did she know. Later that night I ended up giving Tony and Kyle haircuts and thats when the contractions really kicked in! Then it was off to the mall to get some much needed clothes for my hubby since I knew he'd have to go without for a long time if we didn't go that night.. little did I know.
Thinking back I can't believe myself for doing all that I did that day. I should have been at home relaxing not cleaning, cutting and shopping!

We got back from the mall and went for a walk which made my contractions jump from every 5 min to every 2 minutes.. I went home and took a hot bath to see if that calmed them down and sure enough it didn't.. we were on our way to the hospital and arrived there at exactly 1opm.
They hooked me up to the monitors and checked me but I was only 1 cm dilated.. they won't admit you until you're 3. Thankfully since we had come from vacaville they said we could stay in the hospital and walk for 2 hours and they'd check me again.. desperate to have our baby and not have to go home we walked. For 2 hours straight up and down the empty hospital halls.. SOOO crappy!!! I thought my back was going to snap in half! After 2 hours we went back and got hooked up and checked again.. I was still only 2 cm but my contractions were insane so the doc said he'd let me stay while he did a c section and if I could get to 3 by the time he was done in the OR he'd admit me otherwise we were on our way. In the next hour my contractions took off and I was in full on labor.. I don't know how to explain the pain but man. I still can't believe how bad it hurts.. Finally I was checked again and at 3 cm so I was admitted and thankfully given my DRUGS!!!! then it was chill.. I couldn't feel anything from my belly down and if I could get epidurals in pill form I'd go numb every weekend.. coolest feeling ever.. anyway.. I ended up getting stuck at 3 cm for 5 hours before they finally gave me pitocin to speed things up.. 5 hours later my water broke, 1 hour later I was at 8 cm and 2 1/2 hours later of pushing my son was born! oh and you can still feel the pushing part with an ep so i don't have a clue as to how ppl do it natural.. ya'll are nuts!

Tue Nov 24th Joseph Alan Wieder arrived.
He was 8lbs 10oz and was 20 inches long. He was born at 9:56 pm 4 minutes short of 24 hours from the time we got there the night before. Longest 24 hours of my life! and my poor husband had been up since 4am the day before..

Looking back I can't believe how providential everything was. We were able to have an awesome date on sunday together and catch up with our family's before parenting began. Kyle had to go to work monday and was offered a job. We should have been sent home from the hospital that night but the nurses were awesome so we got to stay long enough to go into active labor. Our dads were off of work. My brother was home from tour and Catie and Annie were chill.

I'll never forget this experience. The way Joseph looked when they held him up and placed him on my chest. Gray and wrinkled. He was calm and quiet as soon as he heard his mommy and daddy talking to him and just lay there with his big blue eyes scanning back and forth listening closely. The look on Kyles face when he saw his son and the kiss he gave me when he told me "good job, i love you." The proud look on my moms face as she took pictures and bawled her eyes out. We had become parents and I have never been happier in my entire life! One of Joeys great uncles recently came over to meet him and made the comment that he was having a spiritual moment while holding him and he couldn't be more right on. Thats exactly how it is. I just stare at him and I'm in awe that this little baby was at one point microscopic and he is now a gorgeous healthy newborn that is half me and half of my best friend. I can't believe that we wanted to wait 5 years for this..

So yeah.. my labor of love in a nutshell.. I could give the details but who likes details.. Joey came out with road rash on the back of his head and a bruise on the front.. I think you could imagine the details now? very unnecessary. besides, the most important part of the story is the fact that I have been blessed with a husband I don't deserve and a beautiful son I can't take credit for creating. Life is good!

Bring the Heat

mmm.. the smell of the heater. Strange that I think the heater even has a smell but it does. Its toasty and warm smelling.. obviously, its a heater! Its dark in the apartment, not a single light is on, I'm cuddled up under my soft flannel sheets and then I hear it. The click of the heater turns on, I wait a few seconds and then I can feel that warm air float across my cold face and I smell it. mm! When its dark like this and theres nothing around but the sound of early morning traffic driving down the road it makes dreaming so easy. I just close my eyes and with that single smell the heater gives off I'm suddenly back in the downstairs family room on rockurst court in fairfield. Its Christmas eve and the thought of Santa coming in the morning is too exciting to handle! Little did I know that when I grew up I'd be able to experience the same tingly feeling of being tired and wired at the same time run through my whole body just by drinking too much coffee or a red bull. Catie and I are wearing our matching nightgowns.. plaid Christmas colors with a white collar of course and we are dressing our barbies and applying new lip smackers in our cardboard SEE's playhouse. Tonys running around the outside of the playhouse in his camo pj's being the "robber" thats trying to break in and steal our toys.. walking through the door of the playhouse was never as fun to him as shoving a toy gun through the window of it and threatening his little sisters I guess. Kerri is just a toddler in footie pajamas with curly dark hair and a gap in her teeth.. she's crawling outside the playhouse where the robber is jumping around her but we don't let her in.. besides, our playhouse is made out of cardboard. She'd drool a hole in it or worse.. rip off the shelf on the inside that had pictures of SEE's truffles on it. God forbid. Not the truffles! Dad and Mom are in the living room upstairs with Nonni and Al. Not sure what they are up to as a kid, as an adult tho I'd assume mom was stressing about dinner and santa the next day while dad dozed off next to the green garbage bag full of wrapping paper. Suddenly the phone rings and Dad answers.. we all stop and sit quietly for about 2 seconds until we hear dad say it.. "well hi there Santa Clause!" Then its on.. the race to the kitchen.. somehow the "robber" always manages to shove in a push while Catie and I are tripping over our night gowns anyway and we all run around Kerri leaving her downstairs while we fight in the kitchen to get to talk to Santa on the phone.
Funny how that single smell triggers so much and I'm so easily back to that day like it was yesterday. Then suddenly my stomach feels like I have a sumo wrestler squeezing it with all his might sending shooting pain up my back into my shoulders. My hips feel like there is literally a large ball stuck in between them pushing them apart and my abdomen cramps like none other. I'm having a contraction. Suddenly I'm not in a playhouse, I'm in my apartment. My beautiful husband is off to work already and anxiously waiting for the call to come home and take his wife to the hospital so we can meet our son. Its 4:30 in the morning and I just ate a piece of pietros all meat pizza. Probably the cause of the contraction that just distracted me from my trip down memory lane.
Tony isn't a "robber" anymore and he's not shoving guns through my window. Instead he's my best friend and he walks through my front door to hang out with me and my husband. He doesn't wear GI Joe camo pjs.. at least that we know of and he's become more of a person that strives for peace and equality in the world than shoving little girls out of his way while trying to get what he wants.
Catie still wears night gowns, every day. She is still playing with barbies and her latest lip smackers is root beer flavor. We don't play in playhouses anymore since she is a 20 year old adult and even if she could fit in one we couldn't get her to the floor or inside it. I believe she's the reason I find myself day dreaming of old times more than enjoying current times. When I catch a smell from the heater Catie and I are best friends again rather than a caregiver and recipient relationship like I feel the majority of our life has been. Its not that I don't like our life, I just miss what it was and like to dream about what it could have been.
Kerri is far from a crawling toddler.. She still has her curly dark hair and has beautiful teeth now. She is still trying to get in on the activities of her older siblings and she doesn't let a cardboard door hold her back. She's not crawling on the family room floor anymore but instead traveling to Rwanda to help people in need. Talk about leaving those SEE's candy house snobs in the dust!
I even have 2 more siblings since that Christmas Eve.. My mini me and Anne marie.. never saw that coming!
I truly love my life and the people in it. I love how much these contractions hurt because they mean in a couple of years I will have an excuse to buy another SEE's Candy playhouse. I love how that reheated pizza hit the spot and most of all I love the smell of the heater because it triggers so much of the good stuff I've experienced in my life. It sends me back to my little girl days where my biggest fear and worry was whether or not I'd be able to talk to Santa before my siblings did.

Mission Accomplished

Our family day in Disney Land couldn't have gone better.. Catie was alert and excited the whole day.. She was so alert she got mad at dad for not letting her ride dumbo and space mountain.. Nothing a churro couldn't cheer up.
Annie was calm and happy too.. no fits or tantrums! They were both able to see tons of characters including Mickey Mouse and Caties favorite, Snow White.
The park was only open from 9-5 that day which I think is the shortest day our family has ever spent in the park but for some reason that day felt like it just kept going and going, but in a good way.
We ended the visit with a traditional stop by carnations for ice cream sundaes and you could see tears in everyones eye at one point or another. It was the most bittersweet ice cream sundae I've ever tasted. :)

Funny how that one day seemed so huge, scary, exciting, sad, fun and a million other things all at once and already it has become yet another family memory to look back on. Thankfully I have the thought of Joey's first trip to Disney Land to look forward to rather than always having to look back at Catie's last.

Happiest Place on Earth

Those of you that know Catie know that these days she doesn't get many words out.. mostly just "mom/dad" and "mm hmm" or a strong "yes" or "no" depending on what you are asking her.. With that you could see why it was such a shock when she managed to get this out a few weeks ago, "da-dad. dizland dad, o-kay?" She has wanted to go back for so long now and I guess she was fed up with being told "some day cate.." and she was gonna make sure she got there so she spit out that sentence in the middle of dinner and thats all it took for dad to figure out how to get us on our way. We are even going as a whole family! Of course all of us kids wanted to be a part of her last trip to her favorite place on earth and my parents were given some gifts by some sweet people to help out and thats made it possible for us to go. We'll just be in the park for one day, tuesday. All she needs or really can handle. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think any of us are. Dad of course crys when he thinks about stopping for gas half way there let alone thinking about the whole trip. I do to though. I cry when I think about leaving that day. Knowing we'll be back before we know it with baby Joey but Auntie Catie won't be able to come along. The only thing at this point that stops the tears and puts a smile on my face is the thought that its Nonnies last trip to disneyland too. I tell it like it is and thats just the plain truth. Aaaanyway, I'm not sure what to expect other then some crying parents and a happy Catie? I don't know if it will be awesome or horrible. I don't know if she'll even be awake that day.. she could have seizures and pass out all day and not even know we are there.. on the other hand, she could have one of the clearest days of her recent life.. We'll have to wait and see...

Heres to hoping she has the best day of her life..

oh and that I don't get mistaken for a float in the parade with my swollen feet..


..to be continued...

A Big Day

October 20th 2009. A day I never imagined being the way it is. I used to think that October 20th 2009 would most likely be a sad one. Catie would be turning 20 but Juvenile Batten kids rarely turn 20 so I figured she wouldn't be here and it would be a dark sad day. Instead its here and its awesome.

Tomorrow Catie will be 20 years old, alive and happy. She will have overcome the "late teens" half of the juvenile batten disease life expectancy and be entering the "early twenties" half. What a gift! She has experienced many declines and is now a mumbler and hardly able to get out of bed or her chair but is still further ahead then what I could have ever imagined her being at this point. She is still the same happy kid full of smiles, hugs and laughs. Its hard to celebrate her 20th birthday because it only seems realistic to assume its her last, just like I assumed her 19th was her last and her 18th before that. I guess I have to always soak in the big moments and treat them as if they are the last even if I've been doing that for the last 8 years. My goal for tomorrow is to enjoy it so that if it is the last birthday she celebrates with us I can make sure I remember it as the best birthday she celebrated with us. Its bittersweet. Its reality. Its here, her 20th Birthday!! Happy Birthday Caca Butt!!!

Another thing that is going on tomorrow that I never saw coming for October 20th 2009 is the CD release of This Time Next Years Road Maps and Heart Attacks. My brothers band recorded their first full length this February and it will be hitting the shelves tomorrow. It blows my mind! My big brother has been playing music since he was a little kid and in some kind of band since he was a young teenager.. Now he's on tour with his closest friends, meeting new friends, seeing the US and soon Japan all while playing music. Doing what he loves, living the dream! I can't tell you how often I think about him being gone and ask myself what my dream is? Rarely do people know their dream let alone be able to live it and that is what he is able to do. Tomorrow, I will be able to go to Best Buy and purchase a cd with my brothers name and picture on it that has some of his lyrics in it and obviously alot of his musical talent and ideas. Trust me, the cashier will definitely know whats up as I hand him my money.. He may not care who my brother is, but he will know by the time I leave. :)

So much for a sad dark day huh?? more like wow, Catie is still here, Tony is a rock star and I get to watch it all happen... Its gonna be a good day folks, a very good day.

The Dirt on Pregnancy

actually, maybe this blog should be titled the 'dirt on anemia' instead?

wanna know something NUTS? this picture of dirt makes my mouth water. Crazy right? buuut I found out that its extremely common for pregnant women to crave dirt, especially when they are anemic like I just found out I am. Talk about a bum out. The one thing you crave like a maniac and its not edible. go figure...

In other news, we got a cat. I think he's satans brother. oh and Tonys leaving for tour again.. I'm not feeling so great about it this time. Call it the hormones but I have been priittty emotional over it lately..

I think thats it.

ciao

Ouch

The last time I was awake until after 4:30 in the morning I was in lake tahoe with my best friends celebrating my last weekend before tieing the knot.
Now Im up past 4:30 in the morning in my home on the couch cuz we didn't just tie the knot.. we..tied..the.. knot.

this makes for poopy-head blog entry # 2 in a row.

can someone either give me that boost of energy people talk about getting towards the end or yank this baby out already before I go insaaaaane??
thank you.

Watch out!

If one more person tells me I look due any day now AFTER I tell them I have 10 weeks to go, they will get to experience the built up frustration I have been growing inside from the last 20 idiots that told me the same thing..
For all those people that lack discretion, can you please tell me where I'm supposed to hide my now 16 inch long baby thats growing in my 12 inch long torso? Cause last time I checked I was 5 foot 1 inch tall and have nowhere for anything to grow but out. Also, can you please tell me whats wrong with being pregnant and looking like it? Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and if you don't like my tank tops and would prefer a tent top then tough luck!! my baby in my belly is cuter than your baby outside your of yours..sorry but I'm having a very frustrated moment and I'm over hiding it!
I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a healthy little baby boy that is continuing to grow rapidly and I love my huge belly, I love that it sticks straight out and I don't care if you think I'm too big cause I'm right on track.

Pizza Face!

they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. two nights ago, ready or not, I admitted it out loud to my husband without wanting to and you would have thought a bright light came shining through the window and I had felt relief already. Now for the fun part, fixing it.

Monday morning Elizabeth Johnson past away at 22 years old from juvenile batten disease. She was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite batten kids. She was fiesty but in a sweet and funny way. Stubborn but friendly. She would make you laugh so hard at the things she said. I'll never forget one of the first conferences that I met her sister Rachel who explained that any time Liz was mad she'd call you pizza face.
One other thing about Liz was her similarity to Catie. No lie. If you saw them sitting next to each other you could only assume they were twins. Same hair texture/cut. Same face, same body, same mannerisms and same interests. It was really kind of freaky, but cool at the same time.
Liz will be missed very much by more than just her family. Like all the other Batten angels, she was fabulous.

Dad called to give me the news Monday night and I tried to brush it off. Tony and Kayla were coming over, no point in sulking when you can be thankful and happy to have what you do. Duh. Buuut that doesnt mean pretending like nothing happened, which I did. Until later that night when there were no more distractions to hide behind and reality smacked me in the face. Catie will be 20 this october! thats great, and I've been so excited about it until monday when I was reminded that 20 is old. There is an ending to her life that alot of times I'm used to the thought of so I don't dwell on it. Ever. I just focus on how happy she is today. Not a horrible thing to do, but like anything you have to have balance and I've had none for the past couple years. I've pushed the death stuff waaaaay back and just kept the comfy stuff forward and when you do that any time a tiny bit of death stuff creeps back in you go insane, like I did monday night. Crying like I haven't cried since I was 16 and consumed by the thought of caties death. litterally. My husband did his best to reassure me that its ok and then it happened.. unintentionally I blurted out, " I will not be able to live without catie. I have always looked out for her my whole life and without her it will be like my life is gone too."
whoops.
I never said that out loud, I've just thought it. the true fear that if Catie dies I will too. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. The thought that taking care of my husband and son and annie or the rest of my family will not be the same.
So now for the fun part. Getting help. Finding someone to talk to about it that can help me work it all out so that I can at some point get help for my fear so when the day comes that Catie becomes an angel with Liz, I will be able to accept it. Cause as of today,no matter how much I pretend, theres no accepting any of it. The death stuff at least.

Week 25

today is the beginning of my 3rd trimester!
I'm soooo anxious to meet this little guy!
Almost time...

Bring It.

or don't? I'm not sure if I'm up for the challenge.
I'm sitting with my swollen feet up as high as they'll go hoping they will deflate asap. swollen feet, typical in this heat during a pregnancy but a little more frustrating tonight for this reason.

We were sitting in the car with a joke of an a/c when annie suddenly shouts, "i'm gonna barf kel!"
I turned around to see her little face bright red and dripping in sweat like someone had flipped a switch on in her little body. I quickly tried to bend over the seat to find something for her to puke in but keep in mind my giganto belly was jammed between the two front seats and the center console blocking me from getting to her.
bla bla bla you could imagine what the next 20 minutes was like as I started swelling up like a balloon and became short of breathe just from trying to move in the heat. good news is she never did throw up! it all came out the other end. in the car. with no a/c.

we survived cause thats what we do, but on the drive home I started thinking about my poor parents. I was the child that wasn't allowed in the car without an empty gallon size ice cream tub between my legs. I was a puker. ok, maybe I still am. shh. its a secret. My poor parents had to jump to the back to save me in almost every car ride of my childhood years.

then it hit me like a smack in the face.
In 31/2 months I will be giving birth to a reproduction of myself.

Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Thank Goodness

I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5

Reality TV at its best!

Latest binge: old family videos.

Lately when I'm over at the house with the girls I've found myself stuck in front of the tv watching old videos.. only when the girls are sleeping of course :)
Its weird, I always find myself crying during them and then laughing. I really hate them as much as I love them and I can't turn away. I found one the other day that was recorded 20 years to the exact date.. just by chance. Kind of freaked me out but I got over it and into the vid.. Mine and Tonys first trip to Disneyland, July 27th 1989. Mom was pregnant with Catie and we were in our glory while dad was behind the massive camera. I couldn't help but wonder while watching it what life would have been like if it were just Tony and me but I never dwell on that since its impossible to know. I did get stuck on the fact that mom was prego with Catie. So weird. Watching the video mom and dad just seemed like they had it all together, the perfect life.. 2 kids, a third on the way, first trip to disneyland.. house, great job. Ideal. They had no idea what was coming the poor things.
Overall the video was awesome and once again I found myself in the garage digging through vhs's today.
I found one of my Nonni Ellas (great grandma) 85th Birthday. I was stoked! She is #1 on my most respected people list. This lady could do no wrong in my world, I don't care what anybody says. She loved everyone and never said a mean thing about anyone. Even if she thought it she kept it inside. She loved God with her whole heart and her family was in close second. I could go on for days. annnnnnyway...
I was so glued to the tv just soaking it in and I realized 7 people in the video are now gone. 7! in 12 years. Some families never even lose extended family members.. Sometimes it sure seems like my family is cursed. There was Nonni Ella, Nonni Ann, Aunt Sandy, Uncle Harold, cousin Alan, Uncle Frank and Grandpa Al. I just wanted to jump into the 15 minutes of shaky screen and hug everyone! Then there was Catie talking clearly. I forgot what her voice sounded like, I've been so used to her deep raspy mumble that she's been living with for the last couple years that I just wanted the camera to keep in one place while she talked and laughed. I started getting sad missing them all but couldn't get upset cause there was too much to laugh at. Like, Moms glasses, Auntie kerris hair-do, the fact that I really did look like chunk from the goonies, Uncle franks crappy dentures, Kerri flirting with our cousin, everybody rolling their eyes at nonni nini and everybodies clothes. The video rules and I can't wait to show joey his family members when he's older.
One thing that really blew me away was the end of the video before it cut out, Nonni ella was opening her birthday presents. The last present it showed her open was from Uncle Frank. It was a snow globe with a figurine of Jesus in it and it has the Lords Prayer engraved on the front. Its the same snow globe that sits up in Amys room right now and that Annie wraps up on EVERY birthday and EVERY holiday for the person recieving gifts. Can't wait til my birthday in April when I can open it up again.
When that part of the video scratched out a new part popped on. It was video of my dads family at great America. Nana, Poppie, Aunt Cathy, Juliane, Uncle Vin, Mimi-may she rip, Uncle Jim, Aunt Marianne and Uncle michael were all there. They were all getting on and off the rides, poppie included. Imagine that, Poppie riding roller coasters?? Love it!! I'm so relieved that my dads side of the family has been so fortunate to all be so healthy and grow together. Its refreshing.

so yeah, basically I'm hooked on the best of reality tv!

Love that splotchy skin..

From Frump to Fab in 3.2 seconds.. want it?? so did I and I got it.

You'd think the hundreds of compliments I get every day from my best friend, my husband, would be enough to keep me feeling the way he sees me, but thats not always the case.. A slight combination of pregnancy and long time insecurities can sure lead me straight to a frumpy feeling kinda groove. I'm not so into it.. We all go through it at times but usually find ways to get out of it.. but lately I've felt stuck. I know what kyle thinks of me but what matters most is what I think of me.. being happy in your own skin.. unfortunately I can't diet.. I'm pregnant for goodness sake! and why would I feel the need to diet? I've only gained 6lbs total.. all baby weight for the first 22 weeks. That alone should make me feel fab! buuuut it doesn't quite get me there.. ok so maybe the hair.. I used to wear a trendy little cut that I loved but with baby on the way i'm thinking something that can't be thrown in a pony tail isn't a smart choice so attempt # 2 is a fail. Tan skin.. one of my faves.. I love to soak up the sun and always feel fab when I do but as much as I try this whole pregnancy thing is giving me more of a splotch look then a golden girl feel.. no big deal, that leads to skin cancer anyway. what about my clothes and accessories?? well clothes, i'm doing the best I can but I think i finally need maternity.. no big deal. Accessories?? unfortunately I can't do the toe ring thing cuz i keep swelling and can't do my trademark gi-ganto ring for the same reason.. MAN! its hard to be so fab lookin these days!!
Then I noticed something. Two holes in my ears.. 4 total. and they were empty. So I went to the store, got myself some bling and BAM!! Just like that, in the 3.2 seconds it took to put my new earrings in and a tiny bit of makeup on, I'm feeling that fab groove again. I'm not thinking about the fact that my ears are the only thing that aren't growing and my ears and eyes are the only thing I have to work with right now, I'm just enjoying it.

Oh and I'm also not going to think about how completely conceded I am and how self focused this blog entry is. I'm pretending I'm helping the world by saying "hey, ya may not be able to look fab from the neck down but girl, if your feeling the frump comin' on then work those ears!! put some bling in them and love the skin you're in!"

A First

Yesterday was a first for me, I registered for baby stuff.. scared me out of my mind, but was also so exciting. Thankfully my mom had no problem going with me to help give me some pointers.. Its a little early to make one but I dropped cupcakes off at a baby shower yesterday and got too excited!!
Besides, who doesn't want an excuse to walk around with the little red target gun? I DO!




http://www.target.com/registry/baby/1GAKJ16CY9VK6/guestview

Curious

Feeling little Joey kick and dance so much lately has gotten me so curious about this little boy. What will he look like? what will his personality be like? will he be obsessed with ice cream like his mommy? or maybe a deep thinker like his daddy?
One things for sure, he loves music. I brought him along to tonys show, like I had any other choice, and he was kicking like nuts! then last week after a saturday of being completely still and freaking me out, he starts dancing up a storm as soon as worship started at church Sunday morning.

Even though he's moving and growing well I still have my worries, what mom doesn't? Every body says it, you hear it any time a preggo is around..

"it doesn't matter if its a boy or girl, as long as its healthy."

uuuuh, yeeeeah. about that. um, what do I do with him if he's not? uh, do they have like a 'shove it back in and fix him til he is healthy' doctor?
Heres the thing, Tony Catie and Annie have been heroes their whole lives and since they are my sibs I understand why. Tony was born and seemed healthy, years later doctors found a tumor in his ear that could have paralized him and from it led multiple surgeries and no hearing in one ear... super healthy huh? a half deaf son.. not life endangering really, but not "healthy." Or Catie and Annie.. couldn't have been "healthier" babies until 12 years later for Catie and 2 years later for annie when they were both diagnosed with a terminal disease.. If you ask expectant parents if they want a "healthy" baby they don't picture tumors, deafness batten disease yet, these 3 people are at the top of my 'favorite people and things about life' list.
So being pregnant ourselves and having more of a clue as to whats important and knowing that healthy or not, you still want to meet your baby, we decided not to have the amniocentesis done for our pregnancy. We have heard all kinds of opinions on this decision but this is what it comes down to. Life or no life. We as a couple wouldnt terminate our pregnancy because of a health problem and yes it would make planning a little easier but no more than being shocked finding out after 9 months. My parents waited years. My siblings remind me that healthy or not I couldn't imagine them not being a part of our lives. I understand this is a personal thing, everyone is different, for us it doesn't matter. Gods had our babys life planned out before we even knew he existed so we are good with leaving it at that.
Heres the thing though. haha, there is always a thing. I am so used to changing adult diapers or pushing 11 year olds sucking on passifiers in wheelchairs made to look like strollers that I'm scared of our baby NOT having something wrong with him. weird? yeah pretty much, its just that I don't have a clue as to when a "healthy" baby learns to read, ride a bike or stop using a passifier. I think its funny that most people hope for a healthy baby thats "perfect" and not to say that wouldn't be wonderful, I'm just scared of it cause I don't know what its like. I'm used to growin up with a bunch of weirdos that think their doctor is just another uncle they visit once a month...
I guess I don't have any other choice then to keep trusting God.. if I can trust him for 9 months and not worry about a test then I think I can trust Him for the rest of Joeys life.. easy or not.
Poor baby, he hasn't even left muh belly and I already have a helmet and glass bubble life getting ready for him to jump into.. haha I'll calm down a little, don't worry..

MILK

It does a body good.



And I just can't get enough..mm mm.. I just can't get enough.

Its a boy!

Aside from the fact that we are completely excited and I am completely terrified of trying to potty train and raise someone with a ..well, someone thats not a girl, I am also completely in awe and not surprised.
Keep in mind I probably think things out way to much but this is what I've noticed.

Uncle frank passed away in jan.

Moms birthday is March 14th. One day uncle frank would NEVER miss, no matter what.

We made a baby the weekend of her birthday without even knowing it.
,
We found out we were pregnant april 1st, days before Uncles birthday, it was like a bandaid that helped with the pain of not having him here. You lose loved ones, and you gain loved ones.. lifes a cycle.

Today we found out we are pregnant with a boy. Uncle frank was a boy.:)

we are naming him Joseph Alan.. Dad, tony and Uncle all have Joseph in their names.

The baby is expected to be born days before the one year anniversary of Uncles accident that led to his death.

I don't believe in coincidence...

Im beat..

...and have no energy to blog about my zebra cake, my two dead cars, my sis in law, lunch with nana poppie juliane alex jake and april or the hour and a half of sitting in traffic trying to get from spruce ave to the bay bridge. another day i guess, for now i must soothe my angry lower back/hips... being prego wipes ya out!

Sweet Dreams AnnieFanny

This afternoon in an attempt to trick Annie into a much needed nap I found myself singing the same song to her that I sang when she was 6 months old. A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes by the one and only, Cinderella. Then it was just one of many disney songs she would recognize and grow up on and soon it became one of her very favorites.. when she was two she would say, "the dweem won kowly" (translated, the dream one kelly) and she began to request that specific song with a few others. As I sang it I got a little teary looking at her fall asleep.. She looks the same as when she was two and we'd sit in the rocking chair every afternoon... Same blankie, same passifier, same big soft forehead and the same sleeping seizures... the only difference now is she is 11, her legs are longer than mine will ever be, she barely fits on my lap and her seizures are stronger. That song still puts her out... the funny thing is I never thought about the song. it was just another princess song we have heard a million times, until today. I thought about it and I think it is completely fitting for Anne Marie of all little girls.

A dream is a wish your hear makes

when you're fast asleep

in dreams you will lose your heartache

whatever you wish for you'll keep

have faith in your dreams and someday

your rainbow will come smiling thru

no matter how your heart is greiving

if you keep on believing

a dream that you wish will come true

LovieDovie

If you're not a fan of unicorns, rainbows, sparkles, sprinkles, baby animals, ponys, love songs, cupcakes, cuddling or kissing you should stop reading now.

This is a list of all thing things my husband is.. keep in mind there is much more than words can describe, but you get the mushy idea.



wonderful
cute
mybestfriend
funny
silly
serious
smart
handsome
hardworking
genious
nerdy
strong
quiet
fantastic
fabulous
outstanding
romantic
thoughtful
caring
protective
loving
sexy!
adventurous
responsible
friendly
outgoing
likeable
HOTT
goodsmelling
pierced
selfless
giving
amazing
dorky
sarcastic<3
goodlistener
goodhugger
goodkisser
good...seenextline
wonderfuldaddytobe
talented
muscley
kind
gentle
sweet
independant
insured:)
awesome
lookedupto
admirable
inspirational
solid
intriquing
electric
attractive
enchanting
appealing
exciting
incredible
patient
intelligent
clever
cool
and
allmine<3

Eye Opening

the last week has been an eye opening week for me. Its got me thinking...

The death of farrah fawcett and the struggle her body and soul went through in her battle with cancer in the last few years made me look at batten disease as if it were a luxury disease.

The loss that farrah fawcetts parents have endured now losing their second daughter leaving them with no living children has made me so thankful for every single time I have barfed and every single little pain I've experienced in my pregnancy.. my child is living

The death of the king of pop leaving his children fatherless has made me thankful for my dad and the man that he is

The fact that the death of a child endangering king of pop has overshadowed the death of so many other deaths in the same day/week/month tells me our world is pretty backwards...

The fact my dad and sister were in africa worshiping with people that don't even own their own Bible makes me realize how spoiled and taken advantage of religion in the US is... I don't even read my own Bible every day

The fact that in America you can earn money and blue ribbons for having the fattest farm animal and never kill it but a goat that is smaller than my sisters corgi can double the income of a family living in rwanda makes me embarrassed to live near dixon california

While vacationing in lake tahoe I noticed people gambling during an economic recession.. like I said, I was vacationing... during a recession.



oh I know there were a few more things but my sleeping pills are kicking in.. the rest will have to wait... zzzZZZ

Dreams

Just woke up from a crazy night of dreaming. I loooove dreams! I have alot of strange ones but they are all so vivid and so real. In fact they can get so real that I woke up crying in the middle of the night and when Kyle tried to comfort me and see what was wrong, I shoved him and said, "Move out! I want you out! I knew Tony was a bad influence on you!" he started laughing and asked what Tony made him do and I replied, "nothing, you did it to yourself! move out!"
I won't blog it up about that dream, no need. My next one is the one that was awesome!

but first, a back track. of course...

Yesterday while grocery shopping my mom and I started talking about future services that my family will hold for Catie and Annie.. I know, I know, what kind of sick people talk about that.. its weird and creepy. The kind of people that talk about it and plan it are the people that have the opportunity to know its coming. I mean, sure, Everyone knows their day is coming, but this is like, 2 kids whos days are coming. As sad as it is, we are SO blessed to have them around and to have the opportunity to plan their services. Its an opportunity to go to a "happy" service. If you look at Catie, can you imagine a dark room where everyone is wearing black and crying? no way man, try purple balloons for every guest there and celine dion's best dance songs blasting... Its like my parents say, if Catie dies before me or tony, she wins. Think I'm crazy all you want. If you don't believe in heaven or a Christ then it would sound nuts so I don't blame ya... but anways, here was my dream.

My whole family was walking into a huge opera house. There was disney music playing so I thought it was a disney show we were trying to find seats for... All the seats were taken by hundreds and hundreds of people... It was chaotic trying to get through the crowd of excited guests... And everyone was dressed up in costumes, some in tuxedos and ball gowns, some were in comfy pajamas, all the kids had balloons in their hands (animal balloons like you get from clowns) and there was popcorn and candy and then out of nowhere the front doors of the opera open and in come 20+ disney characters dancing just like you see in disneyland! winnie the pooh picked up Annie and began to swing her around and the Beast twirled dad around and he started doing his goofy relaxed dance that he does on vacations. Then dad stopped dancing and looked at me and his eyes swelled up and his lip started doing this shakey thing it does when he trys not to cry and he said, "kel, Catie would've loved this, wouldn't she?!" and I looked over and Mom was pushing Catie's wheelchair but it was empty with just a purple rose lying on the seat. this was her memorial service. Tony was standing by it talking to mandy and kerri and amy where hugging the characters and casey (caties dog) was sitting on the floor with a purple leash and it didn't feel sad at all. It felt like we were in disneyland, our favorite family vacation. Then I was trying to find a bathroom and the opera house didn't have any and I woke up. haha the end.

This was the first dream I've ever had about Catie being gone that didn't make me sad. I know to some, dreams don't mean anything and really, I don't look into them too much other than for a laugh most the time, but this one got me thinking. planning I should say. I never thought to bring casey to her service since casey is her favorite, or have everybody dress up! wear something purple, or wear your favorite disney costume, or wear the fanciest outfit you have. Heck I'm trying to get disney to ship a few princesses out now too...

The Angle of the Dangle

K so, I'm trying to be patient but 20weeks seems SOOO far away still. 20 weeks aka BOY or GIRL ultrasound.
I understand to some people, this isn't too big of a deal, matter of fact, alot of people don't find out what they are having until the day that little kid is popped out. Personally, I have to know. waiting til half way through the pregnancy is hard enough let alone trying to wait the whole time?! I'm over calling it "it" like its going to come out a big fuzzy monster. It's sex needs to be determined so that it can be called by its name when I sing to it.
In my obsessive compulsive attempt to find out what the baby is before I can really find out what it is, I have done some research and i am disregarding the fact that all of my answers have come from myths. after all, they have a 50/50 chance of being right.
these are the gender prediction myths that I tested on myself honestly just like the directions say.

ring on a string: girl
needle on a string: girl
Chinese gender calendar: girl
American gender calendar: girl
How sick are you?: girl
BPM test: girl
Daddys weight gain test: girl
what are you craving test: girl

Honest to god I did not hack the tests, thats how they came out. So its understandable that since everything came out to be a girl I would just imagine it being one which is great, but if its a boy? I'm gonna be stoked just because the tests were wrong and it'll really surprise me.

Boy or girl, I don't care... I just need to know already so I can either shop like a mad woman for hello kitty EVERYTHING or rock and roll EVERYTHING.

The Ghost In the Room

Imagine being in a room filled with people. You can't see them but you can hear them. All of them. You hear their voices and you recognize each one. You shout out a "hello" anxiously hoping to get a reply and you repeat that hello until you recieve one or you don't. You give up and continue listening. But then because of short term memory loss you forget that you gave up 5 minutes ago and you anxiously begin your second, but in your mind, first attempt at a hopeful reply. A conversation. A "how are you?". Then you get one! but its quick, like you're being brushed off. You continue listening, wishing you could just see who is standing next to you.

Its like you're a ghost. A 200lb gorgeous ghost with a presence that is captivating and you happen to be sitting in a massive neon purple chair. Now there is a ghost thats hard to miss and yet, it is looked over, passed by and ignored like its not there. You are the ghost in the room.

That is Caties life outside of the home. In church of all places, go figure. At school, hell, at any public function including the ones that are being held in her honor.

There are a handful of people, trust me, my family and I know who you are and we are so thankful for you. You are the handful of people that always give Catie and huge hug and excited hello. You let her hold your babies because you know nothing makes her happier. You ask her how her boyfriend is and if she is excited about her wedding. You ask her if she is ready to run across the finish line of her relay. You tell her you love her highlights in her hair or her sparkling dangle earings. You listen to her mumble, smile and tell her, "yeah! thats great!" even though you don't have a clue as to what she is trying to say. You hold her hand when you speak to her reassuring her that you are really there since she can't see you. You are the people that make her smile and feel like she is a part of whats going on.

Then there are the majority of people. Trust me, my family, myself and Catie know who you are. Yes, Catie knows who ignores her because she hears you. She hears your voice in the room and she gets upset that you won't come talk to her. She frowns and grunts and drops her head. She is very aware. You are the people that know she is madly in love with you and believes she will marry you one day, yet you pretend like she isn't sitting 2 feet away from you, hoping that if you're quiet she won't know you're there. You're the people that look right past her when she is sitting across from you. You are the people that pat her on the shoulder and say hello and then leave to a different part of the room and socialize since you got the 'be nice to the retarded kid' part of the day out of your way. You are the people that are too self absorbed to realize how smart and sharp her mind really is. You all brag about your academic achievements, your public volunteer work, your missionary work in your community, your success at your jobs. All great things to be proud of, but if you can't take the time to say hello to someone like catie then personally you shouldn't be proud of anything about yourself at all.

I am tired of watching Catie be ignored. Its not even since recently or anything, its been going on since we were little girls. Catie would cry when we were younger because she just wanted to hang out with all the other kids, but never being able to run or think as fast as them, it never worked out. She was treated poorly. There were a few kids that she was close to, 3 specifically that were so good to her. But now, they've grown up and act as if they could care less. My dad even called one of her friends and left her voicemails asking her to please call catie since she crys and asks about her all the time. 2 years later we've yet to hear from her. I really don't get it! Really, I'd love for someone to explain to me what it is. What it is about catie that makes them stop calling, stop saying hi, stop giving her the time of day. Maybe if someone could explain it to me I wouldn't keep tabs on the assholes that ignore her.
Like I said though, I keep tabs on the ones that do treat her like a person too.
I was talking to my mom tonight about this since she was almost in tears from frustration. Just wanting to scream and say, HELLO MY DAUGHTER IS RIGHT HERE! I tried to help mom remember that as upsetting as it is for us and for Catie, the people that don't talk to her are the ones that are missing out. Look at her picture, that smile is outrageous!

Some day Catie will be the ghost in the room. Her chair will be empty and we won't have the opportunity to talk to her and hold her hand. The people that truly love her and care for her will be heart broken but thankful for the times they got to visit with her. The people that act like she's not there better think twice before they speak her name to me.

Diaper Bags

So of course I have been anxious to start a registry for our little baby. People have already asked if we have one so they can start shopping. so sweet!!

I'm a practical kinda girl... My husband and I registered at target when we got married okay? the glitz and the glamour aren't really necessary, just the basics. For the baby its the same.

So throughout my many days spent laying on the couch in between bathroom runs I have had alot of time to just look at and dream about baby stuff and still, I can't help but be practical. Babies are simple and they don't need much, can't say I won't get carried away with the little registration gun but, I'll try...

ONE EXCEPTION. I have decided. There is one thing I will not be practical about. THE DIAPER BAG. I realized today that this bag full of wipes, dirty diapers, bottles and many other baby things is going to become my new purse. If you think I'm gonna settle with a $30 pastel plastic velcro bag with a rattle hanging off the side, THINK AGAIN! I'm gonna spoil myself with a nice one.. fine, maybe not coach, but close to it! If this thing is going to house my cell phone and lip gloss along with the burp clothes, its gonna at least look adorable. and I don't mean, pink elephants and blue aligator adorable, I mean looks like a designer bag even though it cost less adorable.

I think every mom should invest in a hott diaper bag... just because you have a cutie pie hangin on your hip doesn't mean you have to have a cutie pie bag hangin from yo shoulder honay...

Time to start savin...

Gay Haters

To the haters and the cowards I have something to say.
You act like a monster toward people who are gay.
you hope for their death and their burning in hell
tell me, when did you realize you're doing so well?
did the Bible you hide behind reveal something thats new?
that homosexuals and bisexuals aren't people too?
please show me where it says that, because the last time I checked
the bible has a long list of sins, not one should we neglect.
like lying and stealing, adultry and murder
who are you to decide which sin is the greater?
you sit on your couch in your cute little home
preaching your hate of a world you don't even know.
the coward thing is, if given the opportunity
you'd never give your opinion out in public on the streets
you save it for your bible studies and christian swap meets.
this hate you have is not the only secret you keep.
how 'bout the double standard of things that you love to see?
a woman with a woman, its ok cause you're straight
its not ok with the bible that you use so strongly to hate.
listen, this is the point.
The bible is clear that all sin is the same
making all of us sinners, ourselves we should blame.
so take that finger you point at the gay,
find yourself a mirror and point, point away.


Its true what they say, people are not christians because they haven't met one, or they have.

The rules are simple and very clear. LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Over the first hump...

Dear First Trimester,

Our time together is almost over now that I am 12 weeks and 5 days into this journey. I'm going to be honest, skip the bull sh*t and just get right to the point.

You were a complete pain in my side. You were worse of an experience than I had ever imagined. You stole 10 lbs from me in two weeks by making me throw up everything I did and did not put into my stomach. You then gave the 1o lbs right back 2 weeks later giving me an ugly vein in the side of my leg. You're lucky you don't have money or I'd be making you pay for my leg sleeves I will be getting tattooed on myself after this baby comes. Yes, I will be covering all of my war wounds with beautiful ink thanks to you. You made my home that I love and live in smell like a concert that sold old food and was sold out to smelly boys, hookers and dirty animals. I did not appreciate that whatsoever. You made me grouchy and snappy toward my husband who only wanted to love me through this. You made me spend way to much money on 711 slurpees and nestle quick choc milk and like I said earlier, you made me throw it all up. Thanks to you I have cried over silly things like greys anatomy, a baby story, last cake standing, fox and the hound, disneys planet earth and the santa cruz beach. You have taken my outward apperance and turned it back into a me I only knew and looked like at an awkard age of 15. You've made my hair straightener my enemy and make-up back a chore. We won't even discuss my love life since that took a break due to the constant throwing up. You are exhausting and completely consuming.

I would however, like to thank you for sticking around, as crappy of an experience as you've been. You've allowed me to get to know my body better as well as the little baby growing inside of me. Not everybody has the joy of getting through their relationship with you so I do feel blessed. In a sick and tired of you kind of way.

I have to be honest, I'm not going to miss you. I'm not too sure why they call you the first trimester... You definitely aren't number one in my book. I'm guessing it turns out this way so that we prego ppl can get you done and over with asap. I will see you in a few years. I repeat, YEARS. no more surprises please. I'll invite you back into my life when I am ready to visit with you again.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to continue on with this pregnancy and get to know second trimester. I think i'm going to enjoy getting past this first hump and into the baby bump.
peace out you yucky three months.
adios.
caio.


p.s. thanks for my new boobs.... the look absolutely FANTASTIC!!!!!

"I'm with the SWAT team"

I'm staying at my family's tonight with Catie and Annie while mom and dad get a night away... I was in a hurry leaving my place this morning and didn't grab any pjs and now its that time of night. I promise you, you won't find me sleeping in that dress I had on earlier... its time to be comfy. Unfortunately I had to think about where I would find something to wear... There are a lot of shapes and sizes in this house and my tummy only seemed to fit one size. dads. (no dad, you don't look prego, you just wear the right size tshirt) So I found myself digging toward the bottom of my dads tshirt drawer looking for a pj shirt and was quickly sent back to rockhurst ct in a matter of seconds. Saturday night was shower-for-church-in-the-morning night... not the ONLY time we were bathed during the week haha just one day you could count on. We'd climb out of the huge tub in mom and dads bathroom. The one surrounded by the orange and gold leaf design of wall paper all the way up to the ceiling and right under the window that looked down into the backyard of our dysfunctional neighbors. I've always been one for snooping and drama, even at a young age. :) Kerri just little with dimples on her cooling still making her 2 maybe? catie 4ish and me 6ish... we'd all shiver as we walked over to the stairs to look into the picture hanging on the wall across from the stairway. You could see the reflection of the tv so we'd check to make sure we hadn't missed that nights episode of "COPS." Family tradish to watch it saturday nights. That reflection in that picture was bomb... I watched my first episode of Americas Most Wanted and some of Top Gun through that frame. Anyway, once we realized we hadn't missed COPS but it was coming on soon it was a rush to get our jammies on and hair brushed through. I remember having cute jammies... Barbie nightgowns and this one with colorful fluffy animal things on it but for some reason it seems like we always ended up in dads navy SWAT shirts on saturday nights. Maybe it was a quick one hit stop for mom? Bath, towels, and a SWAT shirt all in the same location, maybe we asked to wear them? That I can't remember, I just remember wearing them and feeling proud! Hoping at 6 that someone would come to the door and see me in it and think that maybe I was on the SWAT team too. haha right. We'd go downstairs and watch COPS while our long hair (down to our butts) was soaking the back of our shirts and then it was off to bed. I can remember Catie changing out of her shirt a few times cause it was wet... must have been those early batten moments of ocd and behaviors and she couldn't stand it, or maybe she just didn't like the feeling anyway.. I didn't mind though, I loved having it on. Like I said, I thought I could maybe look like the oversized tshirt was mine personally. It also smelled like my dad.. like a clean dad. Not like he had just had gotten back from swat training but more like the smell of the hug you got from him before he left. I even took his shirts with me when I'd go to my grandparents or a cousins house. I got homesick so it was like a blankie I could wear to bed. Plus it looked cool. Psh, yeah, my dads on the swat team, no biggie. Man it was a big deal as a little girl!! It has always stayed a big deal to me but as I got older I wore my own tshirts and jammies to bed and then before you know it youre a teen and its not cool to wear your dads old tshirts cause you notice the deoderant stains and they were oversized and we all know it matters what you look like when you crawl into bed by yourself with your dog. like, totally! Then all of a sudden you're an adult and married and your husbands tshirts become your blankie. You wear his when he's gone or when you stay the night away from him somewhere and you love the smell of his shirts. I'm sure our little kids will wear their daddies shirts to bed too... They won't be SWAT shirts but band t's and mac logos are just as cool right?
Funny how needing something to sleep in can flash so much memory into your mind so quickly. I didn't find a swat shirt but I found a relay shirt and I'm just was proud and comforted to wear it to bed at 22. It represents the SWAT member that is now a tiny bit older and maybe not laying in a bush for hours at a time but running miles to raise funds and awareness for the battle he and his whole family are going through. It represents the dedication he has continually shown to take care of each one of us on top of everyone else in his world day after day.
Maybe if someone sees me in it they will think I'm a runner???!!! haha who and I kidding. Me making someone think I'm a runner is as likely as making someone think I'm with the SWAT team at 6 years old. Here's to looking up to your dad and hoping though!

oh and for the record, I'm wearing amy's pj bottoms. Yeah, I fit in them, its chill.

My Family...

...is beyond blessed by our family, friends and community.

Should I Cry Now?

..or when I find the dead mouse on the trap when my husband isn't home.

So you know how your sense of smell is like a freaking scent vaccum when you're prego? Well I swear I have been smelling the most horrible smell ever in our apartment. I have had lysol parties with myself spraying the crap out of everything in sight and litterally crying to Kyle about the awful smell of our apartment and how its making me even more sick! I mean like aligator tears crying. He just shakes his head and says "I don't know what to tell you babe, you're nose is just sensitive, I'm sorry."
until today. I got a text from him saying "crap, we have mice. I found droppings all behind the couch." THE COUCH I HAVE BEEN LIVING ON!!!!!!! :::puuuuke:::
Hate my life right now! At least I'm not crazy and I really was smelling something. Now for the challenge of killing them... ALL OF THEM!!!


Operation kill-every-mouse-in-sight-and-get-my-nose-back-starts NOW.

Mom Times

Ugh being sick is really getting old and I'm only at 8 weeks. bad news man, bad news. But I know it's gonna be worth it!! I'm over at my family's house today and I'm having a really good day! I have some food in my stomach which is an amazing thing. Its funny how I always feel better when I'm over here. You'd think it would be the opposite since the tv is always going, everyone is always talking, catie is always yelling at everyone for talking while the tv is on and there are animals everywhere. Wow, my family's house really is nuts huh? Well still, I would rather be on the couch here than in my quiet apartment. Who knows, maybe I just happen to hit it right and only come over on afternoons that are better than others. Maybe I feel better cause my mom is in love with her AC and blasts it making it nice and cool inside. I know its not the smell of dog or food that makes me feel better. I'm pretty sure its just my MOM! Its funny, it doesn't matter how old you are, you still want your mommy when you don't feel good. She makes the day better. She isn't even here this afternoon, she is running errands while I stay with the girls but its still where she lives, cooks, works, sleeps... moms kinda rub off on their home when they are in it 24/7. This is a pic of my mom and I "gettin down" or not so much, at my Uncles wedding last fall. I'm so ready to be feeling better all the time and get back to being a dork with her.. We always have a blast when we hang out and I'm ready for it again!!! So morning sickness, DIE!! Go away, I've got a best friend to get busy with...

The Nerve.

Last May, one month after I had married Kyle Alan I was at work in the salon. A lady, her daughter and her daughters new baby came in to say hello. I've known them my entire life. Family friends, not as close as they used to be. They came in to introduce me to this new baby that was born just days after my wedding. After visiting for a few moments I was asked by the mother, "when do you and Kyle plan on having children?" a typical question that EVERYONE was asking. " not for a while, maybe 5 years or so, we aren't in a rush, just enjoying being married." She then obviously felt the need to give me her opinion. "well I certainly hope you will wait until Catie has passed away. You know how much she wants a baby of her own and you would be so selfish to have one while she is alive. That would be too unfair of you to do to her." 

SAY WHAAAAAT??? 

Then her daughter, newly married and mother of a month felt the need to add to that. "You really need to wait a while anyway, its life changing and your first year of marriage can be a nightmare anyway."

I thought my tongue would bleed from biting it so hard, but they weren't worth losing my job.

Today, just short of one year later, I ran into them. They had been told by their son that I was expecting but didn't believe him. Instead of saying congratulations like most people, she asked rather rudely, "so is it true? you're really pregnant?" I excitedly answered yes knowing how angry she was inside!!! Time to rub it in kel, go for it!!!! She leaned over to her daughter and now 1 year old grandbaby and said, "it is true, you know what I told you about kelly?" they both gave a less then enthusiastic congrats and started asking questions about doctor visits due dates etc. and then it was asked with such a look of disapproval.... get ready!!! I was, I knew it was coming. 

"How is Catie handling it? does she understand whats going on?"

and I told her all about Catie and how thrilled she is and how she is so excited to be an auntie and that we talk about the baby all the time!!! I said some other wonderful happy exciting things just to rub it in her face that this is a blessing!!!! and my husband and family are thankful and thrilled at this new life!! catie included. 

Funny that I knew as soon as this lady found out I was expecting she would ask about Catie because she had told me already not to have a child cause I am selfish. I still can't believe the boldness that some people have. If she was a decent person and actually took the time to check on Catie, see how she is coming along, pay her a visit, her daughter included, then they would know that Catie is thrilled!!! Instead they live their life like catie doesn't exist and still for some reason think they have the slightest clue about her and what makes her happy. 

See, there is always a reason behind me not talking to some people, I don't have the patience for ignorance.

ok, I'm done being a b****. Just had to get that out!!!! 

Oh Thank Heaven...

...for 7eleven.

Behold, the cherry slurpee.

My life.

My love.

My everything.

Baby Dolls and Mental Illness

"Is it wrong to be scared of Annie being around our baby?" An honest question asked by my already over protective husband and new daddy. "she can be so rough with the pets, look at how she holds the cats upside down and stuff?!" I completely understand his concern. She is the baby of my family and has had little or no experience around an infant. I honestly can't remember a baby she may have ever held. She was also never one for playing with baby dolls. She hasn't had a childhood even remotely close to a normal child. When she did have "normal" moments when ocd was quiet and rages were sleeping, she would play with barbies or maybe stuffed animals but never babies. I tried my best to calm Kyles worries. I assured him she will be fine! She will realize like all children do that it isn't a kitten or a toy, its a real live human being and that will scare her into being careful. I told him that, like a toddler (since that is close to her state of mind) that you would teach about its new sibling, we will teach annie about her new niece/nephew/NIECE haha jk. We will teach her how to use a "baby voice" and how to sit down and hold the new baby when it comes.
Its funny how in a single moment you go from living your life as a single person to thinking about your child in every single thing you do. The first day I knew I was pregnant I was scared to walk or stand up after sitting or bend over to pick something up. I've calmed down since but now its a different kind of paranoia. Monday night Nonni asked if I will let her hold my baby. I told her "of course non! You're its bnonni" but inside I was thinking, "not in a million years you crazy old hag! Not unless you take all your meds that day and are sitting up straight surrounded by pillows!" ...and then there is Catie. The sister closest in age to me who I know would be sitting on the couch with me every morning eating all my saltines if she could. Helping me decide on what stroller is the safest and assuring me that its ok to "love" my husband, nothing will break. Instead she is at home wanting her own baby and talking about it every day. Yesterday mom found her "real life" baby doll that cries and laughs. She was rocking it and kissing it and then before i knew it the baby was laying sideways across her lap. looked like she was trying to feed it and I just laughed! Of all ways for Catie to hold it, she has no idea it really looks like she is nursing. About 20 minutes later I walked over to feed Catie her dinner and noticed her shirt pulled up and one boob hangin out. She knew exactly what she was doing! I realized, as long as she doesn't try and feed my baby, i'm more comfortable with her holding it than anyone else.

There is so much to think and worry about and enjoy in these next 9 mos. As far as Annie goes, Kyle came to pick me up yesterday and right as he walked into the room Annie grabbed Caties baby doll and said "hey kid! stop cryin already, ya givin me a headache!" and started pounding it on the head with her fist.
"see babe!" I said, "she will be fine with our baby..."

No April Fools Here

So with this new excitement, only 23 hours old, Kyle and I had to laugh as we fell asleep last night.

quick back track-
We were walking up the stairs to our apartment, which I just realized will probably be my worst enemy come august, and were laughing and joking as usual. I told him to watch out cause April 1st was coming and being the Allio that I am, it was on. You just don't let days like April Fools pass you by without a good joke... We got to talking and a brilliant idea came to mind!!!! "I know babe, the perfect joke!! I'm gonna go over to my family's house and tell them I'm pregnant!! haha!!" Kyle laughed and shook his head and said "that is way outa line, you can't do that to them they'll hate you forever. Besides they wouldn't be excited because all we need is another 'you' runnin' around this world." ...yes. i slapped him for that. :)

So April 1st comes around and I woke up and looked through my missed texts and checked my calendar as usual. Then I realized what day it was, started doing the math and figured, eh i've taken a million tests, being the paranoid freak that I am, whats another. But this time it read different!!

And just like that we realized the joke was on us.

My girlfriends and family members of course wanted to know how we'd tell our family so thats the purpose of this blog...


Kyle had recently finished a VERY difficult school project. One that blows my mind and I'm so proud of him for. I told my parents about it and of course they wanted to see it so I used it to our advantage. I asked them if we could do like a presentation to the whole family since its so important to kyle... We even got Tony and Mandy to be there... I still can't believe we were able to get EVERYONE in the family room on such short notice. Kyle showed them his work and when he was finished we handed mom and dad a wrapped gift and told them that we are so thankful for the support that they have shown us bla bla bla so we got them a gift. Mom opened the card and immediately said, "you guys! this is a horrible joke!" Everyone got confused like, what are you talking about joke, and then she read it out loud. The card read, "dear poppie, nonni, uncle tony...." and a million aunties later they realized that it was the real deal!
then we went to kyles parent's house.
Kyles sisters is having a birthday on tuesday so we told her we had an early bday present for her. She unwrapped it and read a note on the front that said, "dear grandpa and grandma, aunt kayla and uncle mike..." bla bla bla. It was a pool floaty for a baby. ( they are like fish in the summer! ) Kayla just looked at us and said casually, "oh i already knew it. I seriously called it." haha so we handed the box over to a confused debbie who read the note, dropped the box and asked me if I was pregnant. When I answered 'yes', bill and debbie both dropped their forks and freaked out.

So thats how we told our families. there were also phone calls to grandparents, who were bummed to find out it was me on the line and not my cousin about to deliver her baby. I think they were pretty excited when they hung up. My nana, mother of 8 said, "don't worry kelly, I have a few surprises of my own. they're just as good as the planned ones."

We went to bed laughing at the craziness. Then kyle kissed me goodnight and said goodnight to our baby.




oh and for the record, the 4th test came out positive this morning. you never can be too sure.
hahaha

A Bet

2 years ago on April 9th Kyle Alan proposed to me. We were engaged and would be married on April 5th a year later. During the year of our engagement our friends would joke and eventually made bets with each other. "Hey kel, I bet you guys will get knocked up before your 1st anniversary!" Being the debater that I am I argued til I was blue in the face. I didn't even think it was all that funny because Kyle and I had a 5 year plan.
We became man and wife on April 5th of last year. Our 5 year plan quickly became a 1 1/2-2 year plan. We had 2 scares throughout our first year. Each time we realized we weren't prego we would text our friends and remind them that they were going to lose their bets! Theres no way it'll happened.

This morning, 4 days before our one year anniversary, I decided to take a test. 3 tests later I was convinced.

They won their bets and we won the gift of a baby.

<3

Sunday Morning

Its Sunday morning and I'm sitting next to my sleeping husband. For the 1st time in almost 2 months, we are off for the day. The WHOLE day! No work, school, babysitting or events that pull us from each other in opposite directions. We woke up together and will go to bed together and I'm pretty positive we won't make it out of the apartment no matter how hard the world trys to pull us out.
I made breakfast in bed for my love... pancakes with caramelized peaches. He quickly fell back to sleep and I'm just watching him. Creepy?? hahaha well too bad. I love him! and I love Sundays like this. Its been too long since we just layed in bed listening to every copeland album there is, watching the bright green trees surround our windows and just laugh at people and life.

Don't call me, I'll call you. Its sunday.

BDSRA Bulletin Board

This week another batten child became an angel. Thats 5 since Dec. 30th. Really though? I'm tired of reading the bulletin board every day and always seeing new Angels and questions about what to do when lithium doesn't work or parents and siblings that are losing their minds and needing any advice that they could possibly get. Its such a bummer sometimes.

Oakland PD

Sgt. Sakai

Sgt. Dunakin

Sgt. Romans

Officer Hege

My prayers go out to the families and friends of these brave Heroes that selflessly dedicated their lives to protect and serve.

Love Thy Neighbour??

Interesting week. People made accusations about/against me. Rediculous ones and being the debater and outspoken person that I am, I want nothing more than to call them up and tell them how it is. I've been so angry since I found out that I not only complained to my husband and big brother, but of coarse, to my mom. Who showed me this:

A reading by C. Spurgeon, inspired by the scripture, Matthew 5:43 "Thou shalt love thy neighbour"

"But, perhaps, you say, 'I cannot love my neightbours, because for all I do they return ingratitude and contempt.' So much the more room for the heroism of bearing the rough fight of love? He who dares the most, shall win the most; and if rough be thy path of love, tread it boldly, still loving thy neighbours through thick and thin. Heap coals of fire on their heads and if they be hard to please, seek not to please them, but to please thy Master; and remember if they spurn thy love, thy Master hath not spurned it, and thy deed is as acceptable to Him as if it had been acceptable to them. Love thy neighbour, for in so doing thou art following the footsteps of Christ."

I Am A Phoenix

I saw this billboard while driving down the freeway today and literally laughed out loud.

Sunday, January 4th, Dad was driving Tony Kyle and myself to Kaiser sac to see Uncle Frank. He would pass away the next day. Obviously we weren't in the best of moods. Tired, emotional, worried about our mom losing her brother, our dad having to care for our mom through this loss and so much more.

One thing my dad has passed on to me is his sense of humor. My mom says its because of the job he works he has to be able to stay light hearted and crack jokes. I've watched this technique of his growing up and I like it. Thats why I used to sing the words "I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE..." during communion every sunday morning to my mom. It made her laugh, I doubt God will be upset with me for trying to make her laugh. This is why I think this is so funny...

We must have seen a MILLION of this same bill board between vacaville and the hospital. Finally dad started reading them out loud.

"I am a Phoenix" he'd say out loud. then we'd see another one and he'd say it again. Finally, we saw one while leaving the hospital later that evening and he said, "you think they only let certain people into their school?" we didn't get it. then he followed, "Its just that it looks like they only let ugly people in. You don't think they could get someone a little happier looking to sell their school? look at her, does she make you want to be a phoenix?"

And once again, my dad, father joe, said a not so nice thing about another complete stranger that made all of us smile and laugh when we all felt like doing the complete opposite.

Today when I saw this poor lady on her bill board, I smiled and laughed and thought of my amazing dad who has ALWAYS been able to crack a joke to cheer me up no matter what.

Just for Kicks

Kyle took me to his school today to record a couple of songs I've written. I didn't have any fun at all. Psh. Look at the picture!! Haha... Talented or not, I'm determined to go back! It was such a blast to watch Kyle set everything up and do his thing. This is what he lives for. He was in his element and I got to be a part of it.

I made Kyle block off a window so no one could see in while I was playing and got nervous to really sing out loud even if it was only in front of my husband. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking of my brother. In a real studio in Baltimore recording with an extremely talented engineer. (not to say my engineer isn't talented haha) And not just recording some songs he came up with, but is recording a full length with the rest of his friends and band members. I can't imagine the pressure and the excitement. Made me miss him thats for sure. As silly as it sounds, and anyone with an older sibling would know, you always try to impress your older siblings. After all, what they do is cool, where they go is cool, what they think is cool, you get the idea. I haven't grown out of that mindset yet so I'll be honest, being in a studio recording my own songs made me feel pretty cool too.

I'm excited to hear my songs after they are mixed. especially the 30 second jingle I wrote this morning about meeting the love of my life at baskin robbins. Watch out world, "the scoop" will be hitting the shelves soon. haha. oh my.

Happy Birthday to Me!

What do you know, another sweet looking little girl thats got spunk and is, dare I say it, feistier than me. Who better to have sing at your 22 Birthday party!!!

April 4. Warfield SF.   

BE THERE. 

Family Night

I was driving with Kyle today while we ran errands. We were turning right onto Orange Dr. and across the intersection growing along the side of the road and up the over pass were the brightest orange poppies. I immediately got a warm fuzzy and said, "mmm poppies!" Kyle just laughed at me but not to hard because he is getting used to the random thoughts and outbursts that I have daily. I tried not to take it personal when he laughed because I knew he had no idea why I loved our state flower, but really... it hurt a little. psh haha. :)

My family moved to Rockhurst Court in Fairfield when I was really young. I don't think Catie was even born yet. I remember the day we moved in, laying on the floor next to Tony in our empty but soon to be filled family room eating a McDonalds happy meal. One thing I clearly remember even that young was how much I disliked the rod iron railing dividing the kitchen and family room. It was the kind of railing you have next to stairs on your front porch, not in your kitchen. I did however LOVE the green carpet in my bedroom because it was like having grass under your bed. 

As I grew older I also began to fall in love with another part of our home. The Poppy field in our front yard. To be honest, I can't remember how large it actually was but as a kid it was HUGE! and gorgeous. Funny that our wedding colors were bright pink green and ORANGE. I guess I have always been attracted to bright colors. This field or patch for all I knew was almost magical to me. It was like something from a movie and I wast the main character. Catie and I used to lay down in them pretending to be Anne of Green Gables. I think it used to upset mom just a little that we were smashing her flowers, especially me. I've always been a chunky one. We used to take family pictures standing in the middle of them also. I can't remember one single worry or fear in those days. Not one. I always truly felt like the princess my dad always said I was. (still do unfortunately for kyle haha) but in a different way considering I don't stand in a patch of poppies with white gloves and a big easter bonnet on any longer.

We also had "family night" on the front lawn regularly. My absolute favorite memory as a child. It was always in spring/summer, my favorite seasons of the year. Mom and dad would put two lawn chairs on the grass and watch Tony Catie Kerrie and I play together. They never stayed sitting for long. Dad usually was up in no time playing football karate and wrestling with us. Never could take him down. Mom was back and forth between the front yard and kitchen because whats family night without ice cream sundaes or smoothies? She always has taken simple things like playing on grass and made them taste amazing. The ice cream, not the grass. Funny how seeing a group of flowers can bring to mind some of my favorite memories in a matter of seconds. 

I also love poppies because of my nana and poppies house. Every time we stayed at their house we would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was and still is an old oil painting of some bright orange poppies and the california brown hills in the background.  I can remember standing on the bed just staring at it as a little girl. So drawn to it, Maybe it made me think of home since I never could manage to go away over night without feeling homesick. When I go to their house to visit or whatever I always make a point to peek around the bedroom doorway and make sure its still hanging there.

I was so happy to see those flowers today! Especially after having some not so great memories flood my mind yesterday. There always has been more good than bad my whole life. After all, I'm a princess. haha psh!

3 Legged Disaster

Oh... The Relay. A 199 mile relay starting in Calistoga and ending in Santa Cruz filled with 5-8 mile legs that are all levels of intensity from flat across the golden gate or straight up hill getting into santa cruz. Family friend and coworker of my dads, mark s. thought up the idea of running it as a way to raise money for Batten Disease Research. The idea was so exciting! I should say, Is so exciting. The teams of runners have been growing each year since. There is even a team of girls walking this year. It went from Catie's Cops to another diagnosis making it Catie & Annie's Cops to more team members making it Catie & Annies Cops and Firemen and this year we have dispatchers and family friends walking. Maybe we should stick to something simple so we can actually fit the team name into the registration paperwork this year? like, THE RELAY haha.
Every year its so overwhelming to see how many people care. The group of people running and helping with driving, volunteering at different stops along the way etc. Its like getting a massive hug that squeezes so tightly that you feel as though you can't breathe. Every year! I love it.

The only reason I even thought about the relay was because Mom mentioned the dates to me yesterday. It has been on my mind for a while though thanks to my deep hate for craziness and lack of organization. The fact that the thought of driving down to santa cruz the saturday of the relay with all of my sisters, stressed mom, nonni and a car full of groceries makes my heart rate RACE might simply explain what the weekend is like without the need for details. It wouldn't be as crazy if the girls didn't have batten disease, but then we wouldn't be driving down anyway right? so this year in an attempt to simplify the weekend for everyone i suggested driving catie and annie down sunday for the end of the race. A brilliant idea if you've ever been a fly on the wall saturday night. I shouldn't care, but I do. Maybe its the control freak part of me. No I know there is more to it than that.

I'll back track since there is a reason for my anxiety and panic attacks over a trip to santa cruz.
I was 12 or 13 making Catie 10 or 11. She was completely blind and obviously slowing down but we didn't have her diagnosis yet so for all we knew she was JUST blind. psh. Being her sighted guide majority of the time(or at least in my world, it feels like it, i'm sure i'm wrong) I knew there was more to it. I didn't have a clue as to what but just cause your blind doesn't mean you can't memorize a song that you are singing. My mom paid to help her learn her songs, like a teacher ya know? and would get so frustrated because she couldn't memorize them and I didn't know how to help. Or her eyes. they used to roll and blink funny. No one else noticed it til months later when the became very obvious and she started having gran mals. anway, there was this event every spring with our homeschool group. It was called field day. A day that we all spent at a huge park in suisun and we'd all be divided into teams and play relay games and the winners would get a prize bla bla bla. I never told anyone but kyle about this day and how much it has affected me. I was so excited to go to field day, hoping i'd get put on the same team as my junior high crush and my closest friends. I did have a feeling I'd have to be caties sighted guide but hadn't mentioned it to mom. I had hoped that if I didn't say anything than I'd get out of doing it. I was always her guide at events, at least it felt like it. Church picnics and shopping trips. Sure enough, when we got there mom told me that she talked to Mrs Scwartzel and told her that catie could be on my team so I could help her. I was so angry, but felt so guilty for being angry that I didn't say anything other than "ok."
Now think of the last relay you played in. Not running relay but kid relay. It involves tossing water baloons back and forth to people, running through obstacle coarses with something in your hand, running through tires on the ground. How the HELL is a blind kid supposed to do that?! and how the hell does her sister who is her same size help her. Then throw in a bunch of controling and over competitive homeschool kids and you've got yourself a day that will scar you for life.
I did my best to get catie through the different obstacles but then finally we got to one that made me lose it. I still lose it when i think about it. You ever want to see me cry, mention the 3 legged race. They tied caties foot to mine and we had to race another team to a pole and back. I was trying so hard to explain to catie how it worked and what to do but she couldn't cognatively grasp it. "left, right" means nothing when you don't know the difference. We fell over a few times, and i couldn't even talk to her because of all the cheering, she started to just shut down from being overwhelmed. If you know batten kids you know that noise and craziness is too much for them. I remember looking at her when we were on the ground and she had the most determined face, like she wanted to keep going but didn't know how and you could see the fear and confusion in her eyes. She was squeezing my hands so hard trying to pull herself up. I can actually remember it hurting from her fingernails. I finally quit. I started crying and told one of the kids to go get my mom. I was done. it wasn't fair, she couldn't do any of it, i couldn't participate and the other kids were getting mad that they were losing. If only i could print the picture of her face that is embeded in my memory of the day. The thing that sucks is I still feel so guilty for being mean to her that day. for quitting and making her go hang out with mom instead of telling the other kids to go stick their fingers up their butts while we took our time.

Sometimes, when you try to save the world for a person that appears to need saving, you yourself are the one in need of a floatation device. Like when you're flying and they tell you in case of an emergency put your yellow mask on first. Every time they say that i think to myself, "are you crazy? what if catie was sitting here, she'd need it immediately!" EVERY TIME.

All that to say, the weekend of the relay can be rough for Catie and Annie. There is so much excitement and craziness. They don't do well when they are taken out of their normal world of eat, school, nap, eat sleep. The thought of them not doing well makes me not do well and that is why being the control freak that I am, offered to drive them down seperately on sunday so that they can enjoy the end of the relay with everyone without the 3 legged race-like day of driving.

I was asked to join the team of walkers and wanted to say yes so badly. I've always wanted to participate and always have the excuse of being too out of shape, or needing to help mom. Truth is I would feel like I'm not helping the girls by running. I'm gonna drive them down this year. Someday when they are gone though, I'm going to buy some running shoes and I'm gonna run it. For myself, not even for Batten Disease. It will be my "field day" or "homeschool relay" that I never fully participated in as a kid.

man the baggage. I'm almost positive that if I could let stuff go or at least talk to a professional that could teach me how to deal with it properly then I'd lose some weight without having to eat meat and veggies only.
I know that God gives us the life that we live, that He ordains each step even the ones that include others peoples feet tied to yours. It still hurts though and not because I don't have faith, but because God gave us emotions and He gave me ALOT of them.