Thursday, April 28, 2011

Count to 10..

Classic anger management technique, count to 10. We've all heard it and I'm guessing have all tried it. Lately I'd have to count a lot higher to 10 to calm myself down if I were going to try that technique. I want to tell everyone off for a number of reasons. I'm finding myself feeling like I did when I was younger and angry and not knowing how to deal with it so I held it all inside. I don't recommend doing that. I can feel the pressure building like I'm about to explode and over little things too! Thats the funny thing. I am pretty sure its because I have BIG things on my mind all day. Big things that are important so when the little things come along like someone blowing me off or flaking or expecting unrealistic things of me, thats when I go crazy. I have justified it in my mind too.. like, "of course its ok and understandable to just tell someone how it is because..." bla bla bla and then I read this:

Ephesians 5:1 be an imitator of Christ.

sheesh. now that is one gnarly form of anger management. imitate the Creator of the universe. The person that gave his life for every single person no matter what they've done or who they are.

good bye anger, you're not allowed to stick around because if I stay angry I will act on it and that can't happen...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

There are some moments in this life where I am overwhelmed by gratitude so greatly that I feel like it is impossible to breathe. Its moments when my son runs over to me and plants a soft kiss on my cheek and then tucks his little face under my chin and sighs while rubbing the skin on my face or arms. Then his daddy, the love of my life, gets the biggest smile on his face and says, "wow, you two are the best thing about my life. I love watching you together."

and then I think, "breathe kel, breathe!!"

true suffocating love.


Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Invisible Monster

mental illness.

I feel like if you get too close your mental-ness starts to get ill...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Am

so happy. So very very happy!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Girl Time

Mom is out the door for a coffee date with old friends and every single person in the family is gone to one place or another.. its just me and Catie.. As I close and lock the front door I think for one quick second, "cool! Its just me and Catie, we'll have some girl time.." Then I turn the corner to go downstairs with her and I can see her big head in her green chair flopped over to the side while she sleeps and I instantly start to cry. I'm not sure where that idea came from. I haven't thought like that in years.. its like for a split second I forgot that she can't have "girl time." Well, she can if I do all the talking and the conversation is strictly about disney movies, her wedding or her baby shower that she'll have some day. I in no means want to make it sound like I don't love those conversations. Its just that, I forgot that we couldn't talk about babies, parents, husbands, shoes, sha boomboom(as my friend would call it) or what we are cooking for dinner. You know, grown up talk. Most people that have lost someone they loved or were close to knows what its like when you see someone and you start waving at them thinking its your friend/family member etc and then it clicks. That person died. So you waved happily at a complete stranger and now they feel bad that they didn't wave back because you are bawling your eyes out. Thats what that 2 second thought was like with Catie. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I wish she was "normal" so that rather than playing barbies together like I used to wish about, we could talk together. Grab a coffee and walk through target or something. Just spend some quality Girl Time together.


its no big deal really. I think its just the rain. rainy days make me poopy. i think. eh..

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Life is Like A Vapor

I spoke with a mom this morning who's son took his life almost 6 years ago. I'm not sure how it even came up now but she began telling me about him, their last conversation, the days after he was gone. While we were talking a song that was played at his memorial came on and she literally gasped, her eyes opened wide and then filled with tears and she began to cry. His younger brother was standing next to her adding in little things here and there about what it was like to lose his big brother. He is younger than me and shorter than me (that doesn't happen often) and I look up to him. He knows what its like to lose a sibling. His mom continued to talk about how she always thinks of my family. She always prays for us. She lost one of her babies but she prays for me and my family. wow.

I stood there listening to her thinking, they are on the other side of what my family is expecting but they didn't see it coming. They didn't have that chance to give one last hug or say a goodbye. And after all that, she prays for US! I kept thinking, they know what its like. Their eyes CLEARLY hold a look of pain. I don't want that. Its what I'm scared of, having those feelings and loss. I also realized though, that they were both talking. Breathing. Laughing. Crying. Feeling. Life has kept going.. not better or ok or any of that but it kept going... I don't think they could ever know how much that the way they trust that all things happen for God's glory has impacted me.

Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them and remember that life is like a vapor.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hugs & Kisses

I walked into Caties room to say whats up like usual..

"Hey Cate.. whats up?"

I got a big smile in return with a soft, "hi."
She then reached out her arms for a hug.

"I get a hug?" I asked her..

"mm hmm.."she said, as she pulled me in tight and kissed me on the cheek.

This girl is just too sweet.