"The Last Time He Saw Dorie"

He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy
She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he
And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but
"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me
cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."

Live, live, live because you love, love, love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again...

...In love since 2003...

xoxo

Let's Burn the Place Down!

ugh. I hate it when my parents have "been there done that" way more times than I have and always have the right answer.

For the Lord’s sake, respect all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you. For you are free, yet you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. Fear God, and respect the king. You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel. For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.

I'm still going to be looking for a better job opportunity. :)

One or the Other

"May you be blessed with Health and Happiness in your life." How many times have I heard that. It has been said to me and spoken to others around me so many times. "Congratulations on your graduation, may you live a Happy and Healthy life." "May your marriage be filled with health and happiness." "May your baby be healthy and happy." Its said over and over on so many occasions. It is wonderful when your life holds health and happiness, but what if you could only be blessed with one? What if your life came to a Y in the road and you could only go down a road of Health, or a road of Happiness. Which would you choose? which would I choose? It would make sense that the two go hand in hand. But do they? Do people that live a healthy life always seem happy? Sometimes it seems that if people have one, they lack the other. Look at kids with mental handicaps. They always seem so happy, incapable of feeling any unhappiness and They are not fully healthy. Then look at healthy people. So unhappy with their bodies, always striving to become healthier. Unhappy with their lives and the way they live them. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone. There are plenty of healthy people in the world that are completely happy. I just get to thinking sometimes and wonder. If people were sick, would they appreciate life more making them happier? I don't know. Just a thought that came to mind. If you really could only have one of the two though, which would be better? Be unable to walk, talk, eat, sleep and be oblivious to the negative side of life, happily enjoying each little everything in your day? Or be able to talk to anyone anywhere, eat anything, read, walk, hear and be unhappy because you want to live longer and do more and have more. I guess we should pray more health and happiness on more people's lives so that their chances of having both greater.

A Gift

I love how the sun peeks through the trees surrounding our bedroom window. The warmth on my skin from the rays and the quiet hum of the tree gently dancing in the breeze reminds me that His mercies are new every morning.

This week has been so stressful. New changes with work, or lack of it really got to me. How can this happen all over again? Doesn't the world realized I have to bring home the bacon? geez. Its strange, with all the anxiety and pressure of everything that went on this week, I'm so relaxed and calm. I woke up Friday morning to the sun shining through the blinds and was once again so thankful. I was thankful that with as challenging as this have been I woke up to another day. Facing the sunshine I felt relief and then rolled over to see my best friend and faithful support lying peacfully next to me. I worked all day and went out to dinner with Tony that evening. One of the only people that completely understands where I'm coming from no matter what. I can explain everything that scares me, frustrates me, inspires me and enlightens me and he gets it. I always feel so understood after our long talks. It was a great start to a wonderful weekend. I worked Saturday mornings and babysit saturday afternoons now. I left work, picked up an application for another job and headed straight for the house. I found Catie sitting in her bed watching a favorite move. When I said "hi" to her she blurted out a mumbled "i love you kel" she was so excited to remind me that we are twins, in her mind at least. I touched up her streak of purple hair in her bangs and sat with her and Annie as they ate their lunch. Annie had the most fantastic day! Laughing so hard that at one point she bent over holding her tummy and giggled, "I'm gonna pee my pants!!" and ran to the bathroom. They both were amazing! Laughing and talking a mile a minute. After a few hours Annie fell asleep on the couch next to me and Mom returned home. I left and went straight to Petaluma to watch New Found Glory at the Pheonix with Kyle, Tony & Mandy. They played so hard, it was awesome. So much energy! This morning after getting to sleep in (yay!!!) Kyle and I picked Mandy up. We drove to Emeryville and dropped Kyle off at school and Mandy and I headed for Nana & Poppie's. It is always so great to see them. They are so inspirational. I love hearing about their busy life and all the little things they get a kick out of. Nana insisted on Mandy getting a tour of the house since she had never been there before and Poppie didn't think it was so important so I just showed her around a bit. All the memories that flood my mind when I walk into every room of their home just make me smile. Being chased by Uncle Pat in the back yard, Thanksgiving dinner at the kids table down in the scary basement, barfing on the blue carpet next to Nana's side of the bed and the coffee table in the front room that was always covered in photo albums and chips and dip brought to every event by Uncle Jimmy. I love their house and I love that I have happy memories from being there. I'm thankful that the walls can't speak to share the memories that they might store. I'm afraid they wouldn't be as happy as mine are. After lunch and a couple hours of visiting Mandy and I headed back to Emeryville for a little shopping before we went home. We had a really nice talk while sitting in Sunday traffic. She is a really amazing girl. Tony better not screw anything up. :) To finish off the day my LoveyDovey took me to dinner and then to PetCo to get some frog food. We ended up leaving with a gorgeous teal Betta fish. Kyle said "you gotta have a little fun every once and a while." I love that we are so simple. That because we don't have extra money for silly spending we can appreciate dinner and a seven dollar addition to our family.

I love that picture of our bedroom window. It is as calming as this weekend was. I know that this weekend and the relaxation that came with it was a gift not a coincidence, because I should have been completely miserable. :)

She Got Me Thinking

This weekend I looked up to my little sister for the first time. Kerri and I have never really gotten along super well, We have always been polar opposites. It seems like we were always fighting growing up no matter how much i loved her, it always came out in a love HATE relationship kind of way and she would completely understand what I mean. I've read her diary! haha she has felt the same way. Now that she is older we have more in common and hanging out is fun.
On Sunday kerri presented a handful of the 900+ pictures she took on her missions trip to Rwanda this summer. I thought I was so impressed then, but it wasn't until after her presentation that we all walked to the backyard to the pool. A little strange, I know. Where's the huge tub with heated water, the dude in a white robe and the wooden cross on the wall? This isn't a baptism???!! It was though, and it was the first baptism I've ever attended that actually made sence to me. It made an impact. Hearing what these young adults had to say was amazing. It really got me thinking about baptism and what it represents. Heavy stuff.
I sat on the edge of the pool and listened to Kerri explain why she wanted to be baptized, watched her come up out of the water and shoved back under by dad lol and I was so stunned! This can not be the little sister I was positive would end up with tattoos, piercings, drunk, on drugs, lots of boyfriends (if she could actually get some) and so on. Pretty sure I'm the one with the hoop in my nose and tattoos on my body that was baptized as a kid and it meant half of what i thought it did. It wasn't personal. But getting baptized now would be a big statement. In this case it is about other people and what they think, because it is a declaration to the people around you that you are a follower of Christ and you want to be obedient to Him.
Kerri got me thinking on a whole other level this Sunday. I'm so proud of her!!! She is turning into an ok kid.

The Blind Man Stance

Today I spent the day with Annie & Catie. They both had an excellent day. Catie, after her 4 seizures this morning, was confused but happy. She's almost always happy. She was refreshed after her shower and watched movies and laughed from 12 pm when I got her out of bed until 6 when she began asking to go to bed. You could see that she was very tired and at this point frustrated. Her loss of speech is beginning to take a toll on her. She spent a little over 30 minutes trying to explain what movie she wanted to watch until finally she gave up. she rarely gives up. But tonight she did. She dropped her head and stopped talking. I felt awful for not figuring it out and began asking her questions in hopes to figure it out and she just softly shook her head no. Finally Annie asked to watch "bingo." As soon as the music began Caties face lit up! It was the movie she had been wanting to watch all evening. What a relief to see that smile back on her face. Catie is so strong that I feel so horrible when she finally needs help and I can't provide it for her. She quickly fell asleep after her movie and slept soundly as I left the house when mom arrived home. Annie was also fast asleep which surprised me as bed time is usually a struggle for her and the family. She always fights falling asleep and has since she was a baby. I can remember singing to her for almost an hour some nights as I tried to rock her to sleep at only 2 years old. Always so stubborn. Today was a wonderful day for her. Much better than usual. She had 2 melt downs after school. They were very calm though. Loud, but calm. After her melt downs she was very quiet the rest of the day. She watched 2 1/2 movies with Catie and Me, ate a healthy amount of dinner, and passed out on the bed.
She broke my heart today. She has the blind man stance. She rocks back and forth, her eyes dazed off into the distance, her face concentrated. Trying to hear every little detail around her. She looks so intently its almost as though her ears have little hands reaching out to discover everything going on around her. Her face screams "help me" but her stubborn little self rarely asks for help. She let me feed her at Baskin Robbins on our date yesterday. I almost broke down in tears. She fights to be so independent and is begining to give into the help offered to her as her independence is blacked out along with her eyesight. I just watched her today, tears streaming down my eyes on the inside, but trying to appear normal on the outside. She has such a hopeless and fearful look on her face all the time now. I know its just an adjustment for now. Before we know it we will all have broken hearts from the next thing that slips away from her we will learn to love her new set of eyes just as we have Caties. It does seem very different this time around. With Catie I was young and not looking for a difference or change. With Annie it almost seems more painful. That may seem strange and its not a greater love for one or the other. Thats how I feel and if people can't understand that its ok. I don't expect them too. Annie though, she was like my baby. I clearly remember her reaching for me out of moms arms all the time. She never slept in her own bed, she slept with me on my little day bed every night as soon as she was out of a crib. She was my closest friend at age 13. . I don't know. Its just strange. Its awful. Last week a client of mine brought her daughter in for a cut. Her daughter was a very mature little girl, explaining to me what she would like to see done with her hair. We discussed the cut I would do on her and her mom made a comment that threw me for a loop. She said, "if you could just fix the layers, the last lady made her look like a 25 year old and she's only 9." I thought to myself, Annie is going to be 9 next month. I couldn't even catch my breath for a moment. Looking at this little girl, I was so disappointed. Instead of long pretty little girl hair with clips and bows she now has short hair thats often a mess. When I hug her and give her kisses she smells of stinky girl and my lips taste like sweat because of her constant melt downs and anxiety. This little girl was dressed in a clean, neat little outfit. Annie only looks like that in old pictures.
I hold my tears in all day until now. Until I type this and face the reality of what I watched today in my sisters. I can finally let my tears out and no one will hear them or see them. What a relief.

All Kinds of Love

The Brazilian Room, one of my favorite wedding locations after today. I had the priviledge of watching one of my girl friends from beauty school marry her love. The ceremony was short and sweet. The best kind. The bride and groom looked so happy together. It was a wonderful wedding and I was very excited to be able to be part of their day. With as nice as everything was, I could only imagine my older brothers wedding, The ENTIRE time. How the love my brother and his girlfriend have for each other will take such a gorgeous location, amazing scenery and vintage dining area and bring it to life! Of coarse they could marry at the brazilian room, a church, vegas or city hall and it won't matter. They will make any location beautiful. I guess it wasn't even the wedding or the location, it was the excitement of the thought of my brother having a wife and of all people, MANDY! They are amazing. Constantly reminding Kyle and myself to make light of every situation. After I found kyle and had the gift of becoming his wife I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, big shocker. Anxiety over the fact that so many people never experience a love like we have. I want all of the people in my life that I love, to have what we have.  Tony and Mandy definitely have it. It makes me so excited to know that one day even with the craziness of a nurses schedule and tonys touring, they'll be able to come home to each other every night and know that they both had long days, tomorrow will probably be just as long, but for that moment its just the two of them. Amazing, one 5 minute wedding ceremony can bring so excitement for the thought of the next wedding I would LOVE to attend. Its going to be one of the greatest days ever, i just know it.

At the moment I'm sitting in a mixing room attached to a recording studio at ex'pressions college where my husband is working on mixing a song for a class project. He is so talented. The people in the studio recording at the moment, they are a different story. Anyway, it makes me so happy to watch kyle do so well in school and absolutely LOVE what he does. He tries to tell me what he is working on but it just goes right over my head. I try to understand as best I can but usually get distracted by the adorable look on his face when he explains these things to me. He is very intelligent but can't always communicate what he's thinking so well so he has this excited little smile. I can't describe it, but I love it. That little smile is what makes me okay with working the job that I do. I'd love to do anything else, but for him to be getting the education that he is and love it so much is so awesome. He better get a good job out of school dang it! He will, he's amazing.

Time to go now, I think I'll go for a walk through the public market. All the different people, foods and cultures are a blast for a people watcher like myself. 

Content

Its interesting to think about the friends that come and go. The friends that I have had my entire life, and the ones that lasted only for a short while. The ones that got me in more trouble than I'd ever hope to be in and the ones that were so boring that I dropped them like a hot potato. Most of those friends came and went when I was younger. Now I'm older, and not as fond of people as I thought I was. My expectations have are very high now, and I always end up being disappointed with so-called friends so I have stopped trying as hard to make them. I believe my expectations are TOO high. The weird thing is, I'm okay with that. I'm totally fine with my husband being my very best friend followed by my brother. My closest circle of friends consists of my parents, my siblings, my cousins and my dads parents.  Perhaps this is just a season, and I'll slowly allow people back into what I call, "my bubble." For now however, there is no more room. I feel like wearing a sign that says "No Vacancy." No room for shallow people that don't appreciate the gift of family. Parents. Siblings. Definitely no room for people that are more in tune with reality TV, money or just themselves in general than the world and all the people in it. I know I'm viewed by some as antisocial, rude and unfriendly. Its definitely not that at all though, its that I lack patience. I don't know how to patiently listen to petty complaints and smile and tell people I'm sorry, things will get better, when their complaint is irrelevant to begin with. Who cares what drama went down at the club or what girl went down on what guy.  I understand its not other people, its me. But like I said, I'm okay with that. You have to be a friend to keep one, and I'm not trying to keep any at this time in my life. I'm very content with the way it is.