Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas the night before Christmas...

A long day is over and I'm finally at home. Tired but happy. Happier than I've been in days. Its amazing how God can put things in perspective. Since my melt down at the grocery store I have been able to calm down and deal with stuff. Finally. 
It definitely helped to have my "day off" with my husband, but I knew I wouldn't be away from the house for long. Can't help it right now. The thought of my sisters being without mom days before Christmas was too heavy on my heart. My husband, being the amazing support that he is, was right by my side while I picked up frosting and candy that would be used on our gingerbread houses. I was trying to think of "normal" things that kids do as Christmas arrives. This seemed fun? They loved it. Catie even made a trip up into the kitchen to help. Kyle, Tony and I then took kerri and Amy to their recital. They completely blew me away and calmed me down. They blew the other kids songs out of the water too. lol. I listened to their songs and was not only amazed by their talent and hard work but also reminded of why its worth it to be so tired. I love them like mad. I know that they are scared for uncle and they miss mom and all of a sudden I didn't care how tired, frustrated or worried I was. It became all about them and made today wonderful. I made it over to the house around 10ish after running to the store. I made amys Jonas Brothers bday cake and got a few things ready for lunch. Annie was getting pretty upset over waiting for gifts. You could tell she was trying to be patient. If Christmas was in june this year everything would have been ripped open by her and then broken by her. Thankfully she is doing well right now and all we saw or heard was a fuss. I brought her home with me for a few hours, we had cocoa, sang and watched a movie. I love when she is at my house, she is so relaxed. I also love knowing everyone at home is getting a few hours of quiet. We returned back to the house and welcomed some of Dad's siblings. Always nice to see them, always lame when not everyone can make it. I got alot of "thank You's" and tight hugs from my aunts and uncles for "saving christmas." haha not quite. you know that sparkling clean toilet you sat on? Kerri and Amy did that haha along with alot of other things to help. After the family left Kyle and I headed over to his family's house and just arrived home. I am so happy that my sisters enjoyed the day. I know I can't fix the pain and disappointment that they have right now, but at least they can eat xmas cookies and our traditional 3 coarse meal while they are going through this. 

When Kyle and I got home we of coarse had to dig into a bag of Dove chocolates that we were given. My absolute fave. I love the quotes on each wrapper too. Kyle smiled and handed me his foil and said, "here, this ones for you babe." The quote read, "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Does he know me or what? I gotta stop trying to be a freaking hero.  It is pretty rewarding though when its all said and done and your sisters hug you and say they love you. 

If this year hasn't tought that Jesus is the reason for the season, I don't know what will. Thank goodness that I am forgiven for my selfish attitude over the last few days and my therapy session in Luckys. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about frankie, he is living out his life just how God planned and allowed. 

Night, & Merry Christmas. 

Monday, December 22, 2008

Happy Holidays

Saturday afternoon I came over to the house to say hi to mom for a little while to see how everyone was doing. Amy skipped down stairs and started talking. "hey i was thinking, after Christmas when things calm down..." and being the rude sister that I am I cut her off by saying "psh! yeah right. when do things ever calm down for the Allio's!" Too bad my joke was the truth. 10 minutes later Nonni called in hysterics. Uncle crashed his bike. He's at UCDavis Med Center in a coma. Doctors say to prepare for the worst. They are still waiting on the MRI results. Mom is there of coarse. She can barely leave his side. Talking to the doctors and caring for Shelia, making sure everyone has eaten and doesn't need a thing. I wonder when mom will be the one that everyone is caring for.
I keep thinking of Tony. What if it was my big brother? I really don't know how she is dealing with this other than she is just in survivor mode and won't stop to think or care for herself until everything changes. I'd like to say that she has the support of her own mom there but God knows thats impossible. Nonni would have to actually be willing to sit in a waiting room and care for people rather than worry about herself. It would mean skipping church in the morning and the christmas function at church that night. she really needed to pray though. and eat. and get presents from friends. and talk about all that she has gone through in her life. People are hurting for her as this may be her second child that she watches pass away but I wish they could realize she will be just fine. She lives for these kinds of things. I feel bad for her, i do. But maybe no more than I would any other person waiting in that hospital even with her as my nonni. brutal, i know. oh well. But that is a whole different story, or should I say rant and rave session. My biggest concern is my momma. People are amazed at her strength and her faith. I have to admit, I can't understand it. I do not know how she does what she does. I do know however that we as a family have been worried about her BEFORE this happened. What will she do if Frankie doesn't make it? She'll be strong all throughout the process like she is now, but what about after? I'm terrified to know. I'm not the only one either... Its strange. All of us kids are just worried about her more than we even are Uncle. Some people don't understand that, trust me I have the texts to prove it. yikes. but too bad. The truth is Uncle is closer to being in Heaven with God and his little brother than any of us! Why we beg to be able to keep him here longer is only our selfish nature. Knowing where he could be and how peaceful he could be just allows us to know that however much we are in pain over his condition, he really could be better off. I mean, he can't breathe on his own, he barely has a face and his brain is disconnected from his skull. com'on. Whatever happens I know is God's will. Its the waiting game that I hate. The thought of all mom has gone through and all that she has ahead is so overwhelming.
Of coarse with mom in Sacramento since Saturday at 2 o'clock, I'm at the house as much as possible. Back into "mom mode" once again. Being so busy and having to make sure I cover all the bases, it hadn't hit me how serious everything was. I even made it to the hospital yesterday to drive mom home and saw Uncles face, or whats left of it. You can't tell its him. That didn't even catch up with me in that moment because I still had to get mom fed and home safely. Got home, went straight to bed only to wake up and make shopping lists for today. Kerri and I got Amy's birthday shopping done for mom, Christmas eve and christmas day groceries bought. So busy in my mind i wasn't thinking about anything other than "don't forget the duraflames." It was in the freezer section that I lost it. I was trying to find raviolis and they didn't have 2 of the same flavors! I finally found a second bag of the same flavor and it was open so ravs spilt into the cart. I pulled a classic me move. "SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!" I took the open bag of ravs, opened the freezer door and chucked the bag into the freezer as hard as I could. slammed the door, looked at Kerri standing with her mouth open, started crying and moved on to the duraflames. Like really? I can't get a damn bag of pasta to feed my family on Christmas? its always the little things. I know very well its not the little things, its all the big things and not allowing myself to be upset. Always having to be strong and keep everything together. So I continued home, put the groceries away, decorated Christmas cookies with my sisters, made the antipasto treys for xmas day and roasted hazlenuts for mom. She has to have them on Christmas since she used to eat them with her Nonnu. I also got baggies of candy wrapped up for the neighbors. I tried to convince mom that the neighbors will understand, its just candy but she said that she would just put it together when she gets home tonight from the hospital. SEE?! aaaalways taking care of others. Not this time mom lol, i got it covered.
Maybe I'm not extremely worried about Uncle Frank and the fact that his brain is ruined because I haven't stopped to think about it! I'm too busy trying to take care of everyone and make sure my mom is ok. Oh well, thats how it goes right?
I can't even think straight, don't know what I've written. Good thing i just use blog rather than a shrink, they prolly would have kicked me out by now.
Annie is at denise's house, Catie is sitting quietly. She's having a bad day. Kerri & Amy are watchin tv and Dad and tony are with mom in sac. Kyles At work. So I'm guessing thats why i just spilt my guts... I have time to think about it all.
I'm going to continue picking up around the house and getting any gifts wrapped that are needed before kyle gets off at 7. We are going to oakland to his cousins for a xmas party. THE LAST thing I want to do, but I know kyle has been looking forward to it so I've got my sweater on and we're going. Tomorrow Kyle is off so I will spend the day with him until 7 when we take Kerri and Amy to their piano recital. They were so sweet, offering to miss it but heck, they have worked so hard on these songs!! They've gotta show off their hard work. by tonight everything at the house should be in order until wednesday. I'll come back over in the morning to get the house ready for the family to come over. People keep making the comment, "I can't believe this is happening to your family, especially this time of year." um, thanks but i'm pretty sure this could happen in dead of summer and it would still be miserable. Christmas, aside from the fact that Jesus was born, is just another day. At least thats what I'm telling myself this year. I can't think about the fact that it is mine and Kyles first Christmas and that rather than cuddling in front of our tree all day I will be cooking dinner at my moms and trying to stay positive, happy and in the christmas spirit for the sake of my little sisters. Selfish, I know. But I am bummed.
uuuuuuuuh. I need to get off this computer and back to staying busy. Amy needs a haircut anyway.

If only i could be as strong as my mom and take peace in the fact that God planned out my day today and already knows what tomorrow holds.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

God Grant Me the Serenity... except the things I cannot change.

Note to self.
Next time tattoo the prayer on your forehead stupid, not the back of your leg.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Baby Shower & A Funeral

This weekend was long. Extremely long. Looking forward to a Baby Shower in honor of my new little cousin on the way, I worked busily on making a little pink baby blanket. It was the next morning that I was asked to attend a funeral with my dad in Ohio. Strange that I could fly to Columbus, try to comfort a lonely widower and then fly home in time for the celebration of a new baby. All in the same weekend.

Elaine Johnson passed away December 8th. She came home sick from work November 12th, was diagnosed with stomach cancer that had rapidly spread throughout her body and took her life in less than a month after symptoms had set in. She was the wife of Lance j, the director of The Batten Disease Support & Research Assoc. Obviously extremely important people to the Allio home along with hundreds of others accross the nation. Scary when half of the foundation of the organization passes away. Lance & Elaine were parents to two children. Lee and Lorena. Lorena suffered from Juvenile Batten Disease, just like Catie & Annie. In 1991 Lee, their healthy child, graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Wildlife. A huge fan of birds. Later that year he was killed in a car accident. Two years later in 1993 Lorena passed away from sickness with battens. I can't even imagine the pain of losing both of your children. all of your children. You could imagine how the loss of Elaine would seem to send Lance over the top. I was heartbroken just at the thought. Of coarse there was no way I wouldn't go support Lance at the Funeral with my dad. Just a little rescheduling this and that and My bags were packed. Perfect. A funeral. A reaccuring nightmare that wakes me up at night on a regular basis. Now a nightmare that i can't wash away with cold water. Dont forget about the cemetary and burial. I'm not sure that I've ever stood on cemetary grounds without crying. another huge fear. don't ask me why. I guess I should say anxiety rather than fear. The kind that tightens your chest until you feel like you can't take a breathe.
We got on the road at 3:45am Thursday and flew out of sac. Landed in Columbus at 5something that night and drove straight to the viewing. Lance was so happy to see us. He gave both of us tight hugs, so thankful that we flew out for him. The service was the following morning followed by the burial. Its amazing how a cloudy day, 22 degree winds and snow falling from the sky can make it an even more gloomy experience than it already is. After the service everyone met for lunch. It was there that Lance filled us in on Elaine's situation and how quickly everything happend. He looked like normal Lance. Maybe it hadn't hit him yet, maybe he IS just a remarkable person. Still too busy carrying for other people even after the loss of his children and wife to let it drag him down.
After Lunch it was off to Lance's home. There I found multiple christmas trees in his family room, all completely covered in ornaments. One was ALL birds. Lee LOVED birds. That was his tree. One was ALL teddy bears, in honor of Lorena and the other ALL angels. Elaine LOVED angels, especially after her children had passed away. I sat surrounded by trees quite overwhelmed as he shared stories about his children like they were just there yesterday. He also shared stories that give you goose bumps and like he said, prove that God really cares. As I sat listening I couldn't help but notice all of the old toys, school certificates, trophies and even Christmas stockings that had once belonged to his children. I also noticed Elaines shoes tucked under the table. Her nail files and magazines sitting next to her chair and her jar of her favorite candies, hershy kisses, sitting on the table, not quite empty yet. What do you do after your soulmate passes away?? Knowing lance all of her things will be donated to help someone in need.
I often took a break from sitting in that room as it was very overwhelming. I was drawn to the front room. There was something about it, it was quiet and more peaceful. A large family portrait sat on the wall. Pretty cool to finally see what his two kids looked like. The picture faced the open window and window seat. I love windows and LOVE window seats. I was so drawn to this window that I took the picture that I have posted. There was heavy snow falling outside, I could see Lee's bird feeder and plants that Lance was obviously very fond of. (he has plants all over their house.) Later after starring out that window multiple times, dad called me in to that same room. Lance then explained that the two plants in the window seat, the ones I had taken pictures of a few hours before were from Lee's funeral in '91 (large plant on right)and Lorena's in '93.(smaller plant in center.) He has kept them alive this whole time. Theres just something about that picture even more so now, that I absolutely love.
Lance was so greatful to have us there. We left saturday morning at 130am CA time and got home just in time for saturday night events. I'm still pretty emotional at the thought of all Lance has gone through. I've been thinking and praying for him constantly, wondering how he'll be after everyone has gone home. I'm sure after time he will be busy again. Elaine, knowing how determined her husband is, made Lance promise to find a cure before he himself dies.

ew. I feel so bla just thinking about it all.

RIP Elaine.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

... Came to Mind

if you read this and feel bad, guilty or think you know what its about don't. At least ask me what it is all about before assuming anything. I'm just letting my crazy self think outloud. thats all.

they constantly mourn the loss of her life. its so unfair that she is missing out. yet they fail to see the other sitting in the corner. what was the others life like? 

it was spent as eyes seeing as much as possible, with the pressure of never missing a color or shape? life spent as feet walking confidently over gravel and mudd trying hardest to perfect each step so as not to disappoint. life spent as words speaking for the unspoken as a mind thinking for the thoughtless. always staying one step ahead of the game only to be held back.

how was her voice heard through you but your own was never loud enough to be heard? Her feelings, fears and worries always screaming over yours, causing yours to only grow larger. such a large burden for such a small person.

never speak up, complain or be angry. that is selfish, self centered and wrong. you are the strong one. the healthy one. the unaffected. suck it up. truth is you are the weak one. all the strength and support goes to the other. you are the sick one. you ache from the guilt and pressure. you are the affected one. never living a day without the thought of why not me. it is my fault, it has to be. I have to do better, be better, do more, be more. 

tell me, who is affected when she is gone? she has no pain, no fear, no worry, sickness. You are left behind with the pain, the fear, the worry and the sickness. you are left to remember it every day.

tell me, who do you talk for, walk for and think for when she is gone? If you live your life being a person for someone else, how do you find yourself? will you be heard if you speak for yourself? or will you continue to stay in the corner, over shadowed by the loss of her?

Who had a better life? her or you? it seems as if you both missed out. lives swallowed up by two different evils, taken away. The only difference, hers will come to a peaceful end and you will be left behind to continue living with the pain.

blablabla kilah and I are turning it into a song... whoo.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Religion breaks people apart. Faith brings them together.

Me here, just a little frustrated. okay, ALOT frustrated. How does a church get to the place that they have students patroling the sanctuary telling teenage guests attending youth group that they must stand up to worship, sitting is not allowed or they must leave. "20 minutes of time on your feet wouldn't hurt you dear, stand up and I mean now." Too bad that student had no idea who she was talking to and that she broke the last straw. This teenage girl is officially done with church and christians... add her to the list of hurt and offended. So disappointing. This is only one church, there are so many  more examples of other churches and christians with the same attitude. 
Sometimes I think that the best thing for this world of christians would  be church consisting only of a letter from an apostle in prison read allowed to a crowd of people thirsty for the Truth, all crammed in a small room. 
I made a decision long ago not to allow other people keep me from going to church. Sure some christians make the most judgmental statements but I don't go to church to look up to them or worship them, I go to "sunday school" for a reason. To learn and worship God. But not all people are the same. Someone forcing you to stand up to worship because God cares wether you are standing or sitting is the kind of thing that causes some people to think church, christians and God are a joke.  .:I feel awful for the people that live their lives in wheelchairs. I bet God doesn't even listen to them, I mean com'on, they can't stand to worship!:. for crying out loud. 
I do not blame people for not going to church because they have been hurt by the people in it. I do pray for them though, that they might find faith. Faith is so much stronger of a foundation than religion. 

uuuuuuuuuuuugh. I think I'm done letting off steam now. wait???? uuuuuuuuugh!!! ok. now I'm done. 

Its unfortunate to see religion take precedence over faith. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Peak Into the Future

 I accidently allowed myself to fall in love with a surprise that I found out earlier today doesn't exist. All though it makes me even more excited at the thought of our future, I feel extremely disappointed. Even more disappointing is the fact that my husband had fallen in love also. 
All in God's timing I guess. What a tease. 

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Not So Desperate Housewife

This picture makes me laugh only because its pretty much me. Maybe change the pink dress to some jeans and tshirt and reduce the size of the fire since i haven't started one so large... yet... and yeah. this would be the last month of my life. I'm not even kidding, just ask my brother and sisters how their mac'n'cheese tasted. yikes. I'm really trying though!

... I just got back from a Batten Boutique that my Nonni's cousin held in honor of my sisters. It was fantastic. I can't believe the work they put into it!! They were so excited to see the girls, and Catie had the perfect morning for it. She was dancing and singing all the way up to sac! she hasn't had a morning like that in about a week. The fam hit up McDonalds for lunch on the way home.. I stuck with a diet soda and made some spinach when I got home. yum. Funny how since we got married people have noticed how "healthy" and "in love" Kyle and I are. I get it ok?? haha but can someone please explain to me how gaining some weight for a guy shows that he is being well taken care of and is in love, but gaining weight for a girl means you're letting yourself go. the nerve!! hahahahaha whatever. My spinach was delish... I really should have never gone this morning as much as I loved it. I had a fever when I left the house. I just might be as stubborn as Kyle says. Finally, I'm laying in bed. Gives me tons of time to think, and there is alot to think about.

It feels like everyone is watching and waiting to see what my job situation is going to turn out to be. I've been asked a million times why I'm not working and then given plenty of reasons why I should be. I haven't run into too many people that are thrilled about the choices Kyle and I have chosen for our family back when we were first dating. Stay at home mom. WHAT??!! why would you? you can't do that these days, thats stupid, be independant, why wouldn't you be making more $$ if you are able to, thats degrading... I have heard alot and I'm not even a Mom yet!! yikes. Its a bit frustrating. Thankfully I don't feel the need to explain myself or situation to anyone, so it takes some of the pressure off. But sometimes, I almost enjoy telling people my job situation just to see the puzzled looks on their faces and hear what they feel they need to tell me to do with myself. Truth is Kyle and I are getting by just fine. No matter how redic people think this sounds, God has taken care of us completely! I still have clients coming to the house for haircuts/colors and I'm taking care fo Catie and Annie still which I have grown to love even more. Annie asks regularly if I'm going to come over to play with her. Its awesome. I also have been asked about making some cakes since mom and dads anniversary. All these things keep us floatin'. I know its not anything I have done either, its just praying and having faith that we will be taken care of. A friend of mine asked me to help with a bridal party doing some updos. I drove to vallejo, made $100.00 came back to vacaville, tried to start the car and the battery was dead. That extra hundred covered the battery. Then on top of it all, the battery was taken care of for us by someone else! How does that happen??!! I'll admit. I'd love a new pair of uggs and some new sweaters for fall but hey, if things can keep going the way they are I'm fine without that stuff. Kyle and I have learned SO MUCH in the last month. This week was supposed to be my job hunting week since the anniversary party is over and i babysat for dad and mom. Kyle asked me to wait. He said we can get through til January because he'd like to have me home for the holidays, not working while he has break from school. He has been extra affectionate. I think its true!! Guys love to be taken care of! He loves to come home to a clean house, with dinner ready and see his happy relaxed wife and don't get me wrong. He does not expect it, ask for it or get mad if its not like that one day. He is constantly throwing "thank you's" and "I love you's" and stuff at me all the time. It is exciting to have talked about the lifestyle we would love to have in the future and now with God's provision be able to be living it. I know people can't understand that, thats been made very clear. We do though, and we are SO excited. ...I am praying that I get the right job at the right time. God knows where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I'm not worried about it.

I can type for days. yikes.

Now a nap. I need to sleep off this cold. Dad was right. He said, "You should never pierce your nose... what if you get a cold?!" My nose ring is infected. ugh.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


I love this picture. It was taken at my uncles wedding in a photobooth. Even though its just a joke picture and we were messin' around, theres alot of truth to it. I mean com'on, look at sweet little Amy, she looks like she really is about to punch someone! Maybe we do all have a tough side? Actually I know we do. We made this our personal "SIBS" picture. The nickname SIBS stands for "simply incredible batten specialist" just a cute little something someone came up with as a refrence to us kids that aren't the ones with Batten Disease. I guess its so much better than being called "the normal one" since we are very far from that. I love that when one of us is down, including Catie & Annie, these are the funny version of the faces you get from each of us SIBS. A couple people joked saying we look like a real mafia family, but if we had the organization and motivation of the mafia we probably would do some damage. Instead we are a struggling family that does its best to hold on to each other for dear life because other than God Himself, we can't find this type of security anywhere else in the world. Not even from other SIBS accross the nation. This picture contains 4 of my 9 best friends. I don't want any others. Friends are good, but Best friends, and there is a difference, aren't needed. I love my sibs. I love that they know me better than anyone else I've ever met and if I ever needed, Amys fist would be raised and ready to go in a second. :)
The wedding was beautiful, but the 30 seconds in the photobooth and the pictures that came with it were so much more amazing!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Still Honeymoon'in

Over a glass of wine and a candle lit dinner, Kyle & I celebrated our 6 month anniversary on Sunday. It seems like we JUST got married! We are so happy with our life together. Can't wait to get to one year. He is so amazing, I can't imagine my life any other way.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Will Cut For Food

Everyone's seen it. The torn piece of cardboard that says, "will work for food." There's a guy that sits at the corner of a shopping center here in vacaville with a similar sign. I always do my best to hit up the Taco Bell drive through when I'm in the shopping center so I can hand it through the window to him as I leave. I'm thinking of grabbing a couple burritos this week and sitting next to him with a sign that looks like this:
This weekend the second salon that I've worked at closed down. Out of business. This is the 3rd time I've been sold or closed on by owners that are just trying to make a quick buck. Pretty frustrating, I have to say. I never thought I'd get into the industry and have such a rough time just keeping a job. I expected to have a difficult time building a clientele but never considered a lack of job security. I keep beating myself up over it trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm letting my husband down big time. He reassures me that I'm not and that I haven't gotten fired 3 times, just kicked to the curb.
Dad & Mom celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in November. I'm making the cake, throwing the party with my sibs and then staying with the girls while they get a week away. Unfortunately thats a month away. This month there are 2 family weddings and a surgery for my dad. I can just see my interview now. "Thank you for hiring me! NO ONE is hiring stylists right now, everything is too slow right now. BTW I need the next 2 saturdays off, the 30th cause my dad is having surgery and the second full week of november, k?" yeah right. So i'm kind of stuck, just for a month. Of coarse i've had 3 panic attacks since monday night and a knot in my stomach. The whole time reminding myself to take it one day at a time, knowing there is a reason for everything.
This morning I was reading in Romans. It says, "Having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character and proven character, hope and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Not to say I don't have any stress over the next month, cause I do! Alot of it. But this passage is the reason I'm not going crazy. I'm stressed but I'm still happy! I'm still chill. Determined to bring in as much of an income doing hair out of the house this month knowing that enough money will be provided. I know alot of people wouldn't understand it and think i'm as nuts as any of our Christian parents growing up, but thats on them. I know that the salon closing during the busiest month is for a reason. I'm cool with it... just trying to take it one day at a time.
When looking at the positive side of things, I've gotten alot of rest just in this first week of bum life. I'm going to be able to spend alot of time with my sisters and for the first time since we have gotten married I will be able to dinner on the table for Kyle every single night when he gets home from school. Thats tight.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

"The Last Time He Saw Dorie"

He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy
She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he

And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but
"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me
cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."

Live, live, live because you love, love, love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again...

...In love since 2003...


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Let's Burn the Place Down!

ugh. I hate it when my parents have "been there done that" way more times than I have and always have the right answer.

For the Lord’s sake, respect all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you. For you are free, yet you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. Fear God, and respect the king. You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you—not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel. For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.

I'm still going to be looking for a better job opportunity. :)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

One or the Other

"May you be blessed with Health and Happiness in your life." How many times have I heard that. It has been said to me and spoken to others around me so many times. "Congratulations on your graduation, may you live a Happy and Healthy life." "May your marriage be filled with health and happiness." "May your baby be healthy and happy." Its said over and over on so many occasions. It is wonderful when your life holds health and happiness, but what if you could only be blessed with one? What if your life came to a Y in the road and you could only go down a road of Health, or a road of Happiness. Which would you choose? which would I choose? It would make sense that the two go hand in hand. But do they? Do people that live a healthy life always seem happy? Sometimes it seems that if people have one, they lack the other. Look at kids with mental handicaps. They always seem so happy, incapable of feeling any unhappiness and They are not fully healthy. Then look at healthy people. So unhappy with their bodies, always striving to become healthier. Unhappy with their lives and the way they live them. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone. There are plenty of healthy people in the world that are completely happy. I just get to thinking sometimes and wonder. If people were sick, would they appreciate life more making them happier? I don't know. Just a thought that came to mind. If you really could only have one of the two though, which would be better? Be unable to walk, talk, eat, sleep and be oblivious to the negative side of life, happily enjoying each little everything in your day? Or be able to talk to anyone anywhere, eat anything, read, walk, hear and be unhappy because you want to live longer and do more and have more. I guess we should pray more health and happiness on more people's lives so that their chances of having both greater.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Gift

I love how the sun peeks through the trees surrounding our bedroom window. The warmth on my skin from the rays and the quiet hum of the tree gently dancing in the breeze reminds me that His mercies are new every morning.
This week has been so stressful. New changes with work, or lack of it really got to me. How can this happen all over again? Doesn't the world realized I have to bring home the bacon? geez. Its strange, with all the anxiety and pressure of everything that went on this week, I'm so relaxed and calm. I woke up Friday morning to the sun shining through the blinds and was once again so thankful. I was thankful that with as challenging as this have been I woke up to another day. Facing the sunshine I felt relief and then rolled over to see my best friend and faithful support lying peacfully next to me. I worked all day and went out to dinner with Tony that evening. One of the only people that completely understands where I'm coming from no matter what. I can explain everything that scares me, frustrates me, inspires me and enlightens me and he gets it. I always feel so understood after our long talks. It was a great start to a wonderful weekend. I worked Saturday mornings and babysit saturday afternoons now. I left work, picked up an application for another job and headed straight for the house. I found Catie sitting in her bed watching a favorite move. When I said "hi" to her she blurted out a mumbled "i love you kel" she was so excited to remind me that we are twins, in her mind at least. I touched up her streak of purple hair in her bangs and sat with her and Annie as they ate their lunch. Annie had the most fantastic day! Laughing so hard that at one point she bent over holding her tummy and giggled, "I'm gonna pee my pants!!" and ran to the bathroom. They both were amazing! Laughing and talking a mile a minute. After a few hours Annie fell asleep on the couch next to me and Mom returned home. I left and went straight to Petaluma to watch New Found Glory at the Pheonix with Kyle, Tony & Mandy. They played so hard, it was awesome. So much energy! This morning after getting to sleep in (yay!!!) Kyle and I picked Mandy up. We drove to Emeryville and dropped Kyle off at school and Mandy and I headed for Nana & Poppie's. It is always so great to see them. They are so inspirational. I love hearing about their busy life and all the little things they get a kick out of. Nana insisted on Mandy getting a tour of the house since she had never been there before and Poppie didn't think it was so important so I just showed her around a bit. All the memories that flood my mind when I walk into every room of their home just make me smile. Being chased by Uncle Pat in the back yard, Thanksgiving dinner at the kids table down in the scary basement, barfing on the blue carpet next to Nana's side of the bed and the coffee table in the front room that was always covered in photo albums and chips and dip brought to every event by Uncle Jimmy. I love their house and I love that I have happy memories from being there. I'm thankful that the walls can't speak to share the memories that they might store. I'm afraid they wouldn't be as happy as mine are. After lunch and a couple hours of visiting Mandy and I headed back to Emeryville for a little shopping before we went home. We had a really nice talk while sitting in Sunday traffic. She is a really amazing girl. Tony better not screw anything up. :) To finish off the day my LoveyDovey took me to dinner and then to PetCo to get some frog food. We ended up leaving with a gorgeous teal Betta fish. Kyle said "you gotta have a little fun every once and a while." I love that we are so simple. That because we don't have extra money for silly spending we can appreciate dinner and a seven dollar addition to our family.
I love that picture of our bedroom window. It is as calming as this weekend was. I know that this weekend and the relaxation that came with it was a gift not a coincidence, because I should have been completely miserable. :)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

She Got Me Thinking

This weekend I looked up to my little sister for the first time. Kerri and I have never really gotten along super well, We have always been polar opposites. It seems like we were always fighting growing up no matter how much i loved her, it always came out in a love HATE relationship kind of way and she would completely understand what I mean. I've read her diary! haha she has felt the same way. Now that she is older we have more in common and hanging out is fun.
On Sunday kerri presented a handful of the 900+ pictures she took on her missions trip to Rwanda this summer. I thought I was so impressed then, but it wasn't until after her presentation that we all walked to the backyard to the pool. A little strange, I know. Where's the huge tub with heated water, the dude in a white robe and the wooden cross on the wall? This isn't a baptism???!! It was though, and it was the first baptism I've ever attended that actually made sence to me. It made an impact. Hearing what these young adults had to say was amazing. It really got me thinking about baptism and what it represents. Heavy stuff.
I sat on the edge of the pool and listened to Kerri explain why she wanted to be baptized, watched her come up out of the water and shoved back under by dad lol and I was so stunned! This can not be the little sister I was positive would end up with tattoos, piercings, drunk, on drugs, lots of boyfriends (if she could actually get some) and so on. Pretty sure I'm the one with the hoop in my nose and tattoos on my body that was baptized as a kid and it meant half of what i thought it did. It wasn't personal. But getting baptized now would be a big statement. In this case it is about other people and what they think, because it is a declaration to the people around you that you are a follower of Christ and you want to be obedient to Him.
Kerri got me thinking on a whole other level this Sunday. I'm so proud of her!!! She is turning into an ok kid.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Blind Man Stance

Today I spent the day with Annie & Catie. They both had an excellent day. Catie, after her 4 seizures this morning, was confused but happy. She's almost always happy. She was refreshed after her shower and watched movies and laughed from 12 pm when I got her out of bed until 6 when she began asking to go to bed. You could see that she was very tired and at this point frustrated. Her loss of speech is beginning to take a toll on her. She spent a little over 30 minutes trying to explain what movie she wanted to watch until finally she gave up. she rarely gives up. But tonight she did. She dropped her head and stopped talking. I felt awful for not figuring it out and began asking her questions in hopes to figure it out and she just softly shook her head no. Finally Annie asked to watch "bingo." As soon as the music began Caties face lit up! It was the movie she had been wanting to watch all evening. What a relief to see that smile back on her face. Catie is so strong that I feel so horrible when she finally needs help and I can't provide it for her. She quickly fell asleep after her movie and slept soundly as I left the house when mom arrived home. Annie was also fast asleep which surprised me as bed time is usually a struggle for her and the family. She always fights falling asleep and has since she was a baby. I can remember singing to her for almost an hour some nights as I tried to rock her to sleep at only 2 years old. Always so stubborn. Today was a wonderful day for her. Much better than usual. She had 2 melt downs after school. They were very calm though. Loud, but calm. After her melt downs she was very quiet the rest of the day. She watched 2 1/2 movies with Catie and Me, ate a healthy amount of dinner, and passed out on the bed.
She broke my heart today. She has the blind man stance. She rocks back and forth, her eyes dazed off into the distance, her face concentrated. Trying to hear every little detail around her. She looks so intently its almost as though her ears have little hands reaching out to discover everything going on around her. Her face screams "help me" but her stubborn little self rarely asks for help. She let me feed her at Baskin Robbins on our date yesterday. I almost broke down in tears. She fights to be so independent and is begining to give into the help offered to her as her independence is blacked out along with her eyesight. I just watched her today, tears streaming down my eyes on the inside, but trying to appear normal on the outside. She has such a hopeless and fearful look on her face all the time now. I know its just an adjustment for now. Before we know it we will all have broken hearts from the next thing that slips away from her we will learn to love her new set of eyes just as we have Caties. It does seem very different this time around. With Catie I was young and not looking for a difference or change. With Annie it almost seems more painful. That may seem strange and its not a greater love for one or the other. Thats how I feel and if people can't understand that its ok. I don't expect them too. Annie though, she was like my baby. I clearly remember her reaching for me out of moms arms all the time. She never slept in her own bed, she slept with me on my little day bed every night as soon as she was out of a crib. She was my closest friend at age 13. . I don't know. Its just strange. Its awful. Last week a client of mine brought her daughter in for a cut. Her daughter was a very mature little girl, explaining to me what she would like to see done with her hair. We discussed the cut I would do on her and her mom made a comment that threw me for a loop. She said, "if you could just fix the layers, the last lady made her look like a 25 year old and she's only 9." I thought to myself, Annie is going to be 9 next month. I couldn't even catch my breath for a moment. Looking at this little girl, I was so disappointed. Instead of long pretty little girl hair with clips and bows she now has short hair thats often a mess. When I hug her and give her kisses she smells of stinky girl and my lips taste like sweat because of her constant melt downs and anxiety. This little girl was dressed in a clean, neat little outfit. Annie only looks like that in old pictures.
I hold my tears in all day until now. Until I type this and face the reality of what I watched today in my sisters. I can finally let my tears out and no one will hear them or see them. What a relief.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

All Kinds of Love

The Brazilian Room, one of my favorite wedding locations after today. I had the priviledge of watching one of my girl friends from beauty school marry her love. The ceremony was short and sweet. The best kind. The bride and groom looked so happy together. It was a wonderful wedding and I was very excited to be able to be part of their day. With as nice as everything was, I could only imagine my older brothers wedding, The ENTIRE time. How the love my brother and his girlfriend have for each other will take such a gorgeous location, amazing scenery and vintage dining area and bring it to life! Of coarse they could marry at the brazilian room, a church, vegas or city hall and it won't matter. They will make any location beautiful. I guess it wasn't even the wedding or the location, it was the excitement of the thought of my brother having a wife and of all people, MANDY! They are amazing. Constantly reminding Kyle and myself to make light of every situation. After I found kyle and had the gift of becoming his wife I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, big shocker. Anxiety over the fact that so many people never experience a love like we have. I want all of the people in my life that I love, to have what we have.  Tony and Mandy definitely have it. It makes me so excited to know that one day even with the craziness of a nurses schedule and tonys touring, they'll be able to come home to each other every night and know that they both had long days, tomorrow will probably be just as long, but for that moment its just the two of them. Amazing, one 5 minute wedding ceremony can bring so excitement for the thought of the next wedding I would LOVE to attend. Its going to be one of the greatest days ever, i just know it.
At the moment I'm sitting in a mixing room attached to a recording studio at ex'pressions college where my husband is working on mixing a song for a class project. He is so talented. The people in the studio recording at the moment, they are a different story. Anyway, it makes me so happy to watch kyle do so well in school and absolutely LOVE what he does. He tries to tell me what he is working on but it just goes right over my head. I try to understand as best I can but usually get distracted by the adorable look on his face when he explains these things to me. He is very intelligent but can't always communicate what he's thinking so well so he has this excited little smile. I can't describe it, but I love it. That little smile is what makes me okay with working the job that I do. I'd love to do anything else, but for him to be getting the education that he is and love it so much is so awesome. He better get a good job out of school dang it! He will, he's amazing.
Time to go now, I think I'll go for a walk through the public market. All the different people, foods and cultures are a blast for a people watcher like myself. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Its interesting to think about the friends that come and go. The friends that I have had my entire life, and the ones that lasted only for a short while. The ones that got me in more trouble than I'd ever hope to be in and the ones that were so boring that I dropped them like a hot potato. Most of those friends came and went when I was younger. Now I'm older, and not as fond of people as I thought I was. My expectations have are very high now, and I always end up being disappointed with so-called friends so I have stopped trying as hard to make them. I believe my expectations are TOO high. The weird thing is, I'm okay with that. I'm totally fine with my husband being my very best friend followed by my brother. My closest circle of friends consists of my parents, my siblings, my cousins and my dads parents.  Perhaps this is just a season, and I'll slowly allow people back into what I call, "my bubble." For now however, there is no more room. I feel like wearing a sign that says "No Vacancy." No room for shallow people that don't appreciate the gift of family. Parents. Siblings. Definitely no room for people that are more in tune with reality TV, money or just themselves in general than the world and all the people in it. I know I'm viewed by some as antisocial, rude and unfriendly. Its definitely not that at all though, its that I lack patience. I don't know how to patiently listen to petty complaints and smile and tell people I'm sorry, things will get better, when their complaint is irrelevant to begin with. Who cares what drama went down at the club or what girl went down on what guy.  I understand its not other people, its me. But like I said, I'm okay with that. You have to be a friend to keep one, and I'm not trying to keep any at this time in my life. I'm very content with the way it is.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

It Is What It Is

I can't begin to describe the feelings I have when I see this photograph. Very sad feelings overwhelm me but only to be quickly interrupted with anger. Feelings of security and thankfulness for the father my siblings and I have been given. His strong arms securing Annie and quiet face remind me that he just wants the best for us. But then the anger returns, erasing any feelings of comfort that my dad portrays and sadness from the look in Annies face. Growing up hearing "it is what it is" from so many more people than just my mother, who was only trying to stay positive, frustrates me. Why is it the way it is? Why do we have to be fine with the way things are. It should be ok to be angry and wish things weren't the way they are, but who should i be angry with? What caused this, who caused this? Not being able to be content in knowing "it is what it is" I have to have someone or something to blame. My parents are not it. They are the foundation keeping my siblings and I on our feet. Giving us hope for our futures and comfort in every day and what it may hold. I could blame it on the adulturess woman that brought half the genetics into the relationship that caused this disease, but then I myself wouldn't be here today, and that was in the past. I can't focus on the past. I know its not the doctors and researchers fault for not figuring out a cure that would have been able to prevent my family from turning into the mess that it has. I think the easiest thing or person to blame it on would be Jesus Himself. He allows it. He doesn't fix it. The only person with the ability to cure it all, To heal anyone from anything and He doesn't, so it must be his fault. Finally a focus for my anger. Oh but wait, I woke up today didn't I. I am living and breathing and alive today and I know its because of Him allowing that. He has control over today and knows what tomorrow holds. He allows me to take it one day at a time and know that I just need to get through today and I don't need to worry about anything else. Its a back and forth struggle that I deal with daily. Hating the Creator of the Universe that fills my lungs with air so that I can live every day but at the same time is ending my siblings life sooner than i would ever be ok with. The Gospels tell the story of Jesus deciple, Peter, cutting of the ear of another in defense of his Savior, and in the same evening denying Jesus 3 times. I'm the same way. I wake up every morning so thankful for another day, thankful for my beautiful husband lying next to me and so quickly in the same day become so angry that I deny his existence. Of coarse Peter was forgiven for his actions and I know I am too but what a continual struggle. Especially when I see this picture. Look at the fear and panic in her face. But today I don't need to figure out why that fear and panic is allowed in such a sweet little girl, I'm just going to focus on not getting so angry at someone or something. Just take it one day at a time until that struggle is gone.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Hey Kids, Shake It Loose Together...

...The spotlight's hitting something
That's been known to change the weather
We'll kill the fatted calf tonight
So stick around
You're gonna hear electric music
Solid walls of sound

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet
But they're so spaced out, Bennie and the Jets
Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful
Oh Bennie she's really keen
She's got electric boots a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine
Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they're blinded
But Bennie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who's right and who's wrong

Friday, August 29, 2008

Giving It A Try

So tonight I have decided to give it a try. Blogging. Perhaps if I type up all my thoughts and see them word for word I will begin to believe that I'm not as crazy as I feel I have become. I was recently told that there are medications available for the kind of stress and anxiety that I deal with daily. I'm not willing to take that route. Instead I will do my best to take it one day at a time, knowing that I can not change yesterday and have no control over what will happen tomorrow. I believe there is a peace that passes all understanding and I will continue searching for it.