Sunday, August 31, 2008

It Is What It Is

I can't begin to describe the feelings I have when I see this photograph. Very sad feelings overwhelm me but only to be quickly interrupted with anger. Feelings of security and thankfulness for the father my siblings and I have been given. His strong arms securing Annie and quiet face remind me that he just wants the best for us. But then the anger returns, erasing any feelings of comfort that my dad portrays and sadness from the look in Annies face. Growing up hearing "it is what it is" from so many more people than just my mother, who was only trying to stay positive, frustrates me. Why is it the way it is? Why do we have to be fine with the way things are. It should be ok to be angry and wish things weren't the way they are, but who should i be angry with? What caused this, who caused this? Not being able to be content in knowing "it is what it is" I have to have someone or something to blame. My parents are not it. They are the foundation keeping my siblings and I on our feet. Giving us hope for our futures and comfort in every day and what it may hold. I could blame it on the adulturess woman that brought half the genetics into the relationship that caused this disease, but then I myself wouldn't be here today, and that was in the past. I can't focus on the past. I know its not the doctors and researchers fault for not figuring out a cure that would have been able to prevent my family from turning into the mess that it has. I think the easiest thing or person to blame it on would be Jesus Himself. He allows it. He doesn't fix it. The only person with the ability to cure it all, To heal anyone from anything and He doesn't, so it must be his fault. Finally a focus for my anger. Oh but wait, I woke up today didn't I. I am living and breathing and alive today and I know its because of Him allowing that. He has control over today and knows what tomorrow holds. He allows me to take it one day at a time and know that I just need to get through today and I don't need to worry about anything else. Its a back and forth struggle that I deal with daily. Hating the Creator of the Universe that fills my lungs with air so that I can live every day but at the same time is ending my siblings life sooner than i would ever be ok with. The Gospels tell the story of Jesus deciple, Peter, cutting of the ear of another in defense of his Savior, and in the same evening denying Jesus 3 times. I'm the same way. I wake up every morning so thankful for another day, thankful for my beautiful husband lying next to me and so quickly in the same day become so angry that I deny his existence. Of coarse Peter was forgiven for his actions and I know I am too but what a continual struggle. Especially when I see this picture. Look at the fear and panic in her face. But today I don't need to figure out why that fear and panic is allowed in such a sweet little girl, I'm just going to focus on not getting so angry at someone or something. Just take it one day at a time until that struggle is gone.

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