Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lifes a Beach

So our lease is up in September.. Kyles thinking of moving to Dixon, I'm thinking more tropical. Less farm land, more beach. Less grocery store, more bananas and fire grilled fish. Less housing more huts. Less people more us. Just the 3 of us and maybe two great danes, just like Swiss Family Robinson. Of course, I wouldn't want to be stranded there. It would be ideal if we could leave and come back but no one could get to us haha.. that way we could go visit our family on the weekends if we wanted or run to target every once and a while. There would be NO cell service though and no phone lines.. and internet would be kind of like transportation. We could fb and email people but they can't fb or email back. Sounds like some ideal living to me :) Then we wouldn't have to hear about who hates who, who deserves what, who is right and who is wrong. No more hate between friends and family, friends and friends, family and family. No more drama basically. I will admit, I'm a drama addict and in order to get help I gotta get away maybe? k, thats just an excuse to live in my tropical home, but still. I had a good talk with my mom about distance and how healthy it can be. How the slightest bit of distance can make some relationships last longer and stay healthier so they don't ever come to an end. It was a good talk. My mom is a wonderful example to me and an amazing friend. I'm so thankful that I can tell her ANYTHING and she gives me the counsel that I need, not always want. She's level headed and gracious. I love her.. maaaaybe she can come to our tropical home... just maaaaybe.

Most likely we will just end up in Dixon and my tropical dreams and great danes will have to wait, but that doesn't mean that my husband and I aren't setting boundaries for ourselves and our son. Some distance. Its awkward at first maybe, but so healthy in the long run. And by boundaries I don't mean no cell service lol.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Sisters Keeper

I watched this movie last night and didn't know what I was in for. I had a feeling it would be sad but I had no idea it would hit the nail on the head. I fell asleep cuddled in my husbands strongs arms with a stuffy nose and teary eyes. I couldn't believe how similar some of the situations were and how well they grasped the reality of having a sick family member. I was amazed at the scene where the family is getting ready to take their last trip to the beach. The two 'healthy' siblings were getting things together, stopped and stared at each other with the same look Tony and I have shared before. Its that look that says a million things at once like, I know this is her last ___ or, what if she dies after she ___ ...You are too scared to be the one to say all your thoughts out loud but you know you don't have to because your family is having the same exact thoughts race through their head at the same time. Or how 'bout the scene where the family is sitting in the hospital room the day of their daughters/sisters death and the crazy friends and family are going on and on about "just having to think the cancer away" or "just focus more" and sharing crazy stories that aren't true about people in different situations that don't apply to the situation at hand. These scense pulled me into the movie because they are so real. So real that I started getting jealous of different parts of the movie.

I became jealous when the little sister sat at the table and told her parents how angry she was at them for certain things. In the real world that is impossible because you would only cause more damage to them. When your a kid you can't see the whole picture. You don't see your parents fighting to take care of both kids, healthy and sick. You only see what hurts you and frustrates you without understanding why.
I became jealous when the two sisters where laying outside on the grass together talking about boys, each other, life and death. I haven't shared moments like that with Catie since we were little girls. I miss it. I miss being able to have a normal conversation with her. I was jealous because even though this kids sister was sick and dying, they could still talk and share secrets.
I became jealous toward the end of the movie when the sister was dying and was able to tell her siblings she loved them and goodbye. Maybe its good. Maybe it would be harder to clearly be able to say good bye at the end of Caties life.
I was jealous during the funeral scene because her life was over and it was time for them to move on. At Caties funeral we will be thinking about Annies in the future.

Its stupid how into it I got.. that I was so jealous of a story that isn't true. Thats just the thing tho... its not a true life story but it portrays many true life stories that have existed and are still being lived...

One thing that movie did for me was make me thankful. I was SO thankful for my parents. I would think as a parent of sick and healthy kids that this movie has the ability to make you feel like a bad parent. I think they could have portrayed the parents a little differently. At the same time tho, think about it, it is pretty realistic. You have two kids playing outside. They both trip on each other and fall down. One has a scratch on their knee and the other doesn't. Which kid do you pick up, set on the table and put a band aid on? The kid with the scratch. Where is the kid that fell but didn't get a scratch? walking beside their parent and sibling over to the table and watching their sibling be taken care of. Now look at the same situation on a larger scale.. You have a terminal kid that needs constant care and although the healthy sib is hurt too, they are healthy so the stay along side and watch the terminal sib be taken care of. That is something you can not understand when you are young and the reason you'd wish you could sit at a table and scream all your feelings out. But that doesn't mean parents don't do the very best they can. My parents are amazing for many reasons. The care the give to each of us kids is one of them. I can't imagine how it must feel to have to take care of both but I know my parents do the best they can and that is where I felt the movie wasn't mirrored to our family situation.

The movie also made me thankful for Batten Disease. They say its one of the worst diseases a child can have but if you ask me, I'll take 2 batten sibs over a cancer sib any day. I know, I know, its completely different but still. Its easy to feel like you're alone in your fight for life with your siblings but this movie reminded me that it could always, always be worse...

Overall I think it was an amazing movie. The perfect picture of the extremes you go to as a parent to keep your child alive and the extremes you'd go to as a sib to make your sibling happy.

To Whom it may concern...

Dear Debbie-Downer,
Two years ago I had a conversation with you that I will never forget. You asked me when my new husband and I planned to have children. I answered your question and you continued the conversation by telling me I was wrong. You told me that it would be selfish of me to have children while my sister Catie is alive because she wants to have a baby so badly. It would make sense that you would feel this way for two reasons. First, you are a very negative person. I remember your smiles, majority of the time, were only on your face because you were talking about food or making fun of someone. You were never happy and were excellent at finding the bad in everything. Even when it didn't exist, you made it. So it would make sense that in an exciting situation, like a new life, you'd have to go and be negative at the thought. Second, you don't know Catie. She became an inconvenience and then non existent in your life so it would make sense for you to assume she'd be upset if I were to ever become pregnant, because you don't know her. You don't know what makes her happy.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but there is thing called Survivors Guilt. Google it. I struggle with it and although I knew how ridiculous your comments were, I still couldn't get them out of my head.
Exactly 1 year later I ran into you again, this time 2 months pregnant. Rather than congratulate me on my pregnancy, you doubtfully questioned Caties happiness in the situation. I want you to know that when I found out I was pregnant, your comment was one of my first thoughts. That makes me so angry because like I said, it was ridiculous and yet, I still allowed myself to think about it and wonder if it could be true. I'm happy to inform you that I did tell Catie I was pregnant and she was so excited to become an Aunt. One year later she is still happy to be an aunt. Matter of fact, the only thing about my baby that does upset her is having to wait her turn to hold him every day.
I used to hope I'd run into you. I couldn't wait to point my finger square in your face and accuse you of being all of the things that make you who you are. Thankfully, I never did run into you and that gave me time. Time to think about it a lot and realize how hurtful that would have been to you. After all, "an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." Who am I to think that lecturing you would change you? It won't. I just want you to know that you are capable of hurting feelings and maybe you could be more careful with the next sib you talk to. I want you to know that I am no longer mad at you, but rather sad. I feel sorry for you when I think about the situation. I can't understand being able to think the way you do and I only hope and pray that one day you will know a true happiness and peace that passes all understanding. Then you can have smiles that mean something wonderful.
I've attached some pictures that I took of Auntie Catie and baby Joey cuddled together. I hope you'll take some time to look at them and hopefully realize how precious of a gift it is for me to see my baby sister hold my baby boy and enjoy it. I feel like I should thank you because if you hadn't made such a big deal about my life and the people in it, I probably would not appreciate the moment as much as I do.

Take care,

p.s. My baby is cuter than your 3 babies and your grand baby combined..
what?? You really think I'd leave out the spunk in one of my blogs? psh...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Barbie Legs

I unwrapped the plastic packaging and then unrolled my new pink yoga mat given to me by Santa this Christmas.. I love yoga.. its so relaxing and it feels so refreshing and Santa knows that.. Even better than the feel of a good yoga sesh is the smell of the mat. That brand new rubber smell. If you could get high off of sniffing yoga mats I would have been stoned outa my mind the other day.. I got behind in my follow-along-work out dvd because as soon as I got ready for my push ups I could smell the rubber. Just stop and imagine it for a minute. Alone in the living room, you can hear the way too in shape work out instructor getting even more ripped and there I am, face down on my gut caressing my mat in my hands. My eyes are closed and I'm sniffing in as long and as hard as I possible can, over and over. So if you ever wonder why my arms are flappier than an elephants ears its because I'd rather sniff rubber than do my push ups. oh, and I love food.
This smell of rubber not only smells amazing but triggers amazing memories.. or so I thought. I guess they are amazing now but at the very moment these memories were made it was nothing more than a feeling of excruciating pain.
The smell of my new yoga mat smells JUST like the smell of a brand new Barbie. You know, when you pull back the pink tabs on the box and slide out the cardboard insert that Barbie, her brush and shoes were attached to? I couldn't wait to run my fingers through her silky fake hair but of course it was always tied down so there was that quick rush to free her from her packaging. Its like you couldn't do it fast enough and back in my day(yes I'm now old enough to say that) Barbie was just strapped in with some thin thread.. not all that plastic crap that'll break your scissors trying to cut her out of. I'd snap the threads and my new barbie would be free! Free to be sniffed! haha man I'm weird. Its the truth though.. they had that fresh brand new Barbie smell that smells like Christmas morning or your birthday.
If you knew me as a kid you'd understand why I got so excited over little things like taking Barbie out of her box. I LIVED Barbie. I had Barbie travel cases to keep just enough barbies and clothes to last an over night trip to Nonnies.. I had Barbie motor homes.. Barbie swimming pools.. Barbie Jeeps, kitchens, houses.. you name it! and then, there was the tub. My pride and joy. My life. My everything. It was a big blue plastic tub with a lid and inside lived 52 Barbies. Yes, I remember the exact number.. you'll understand why in a minute. I loved each one of my Barbies like nothing else, but you know who didn't love them like I did? Catie. Catie loved dogs. Playing dogs that is... She was aaaalways on her knees licking the top of her hands like paws, growling at whoever she was mad at for the moment and always explaining what kind of dog she was, her name and her coloring. She even ate a piece of dog food once from the back yard.. this kid didn't mess around. Since she didn't mess around and had to be as much like a dog as possible, it would make sense that she would have to have a bone. What dog doesn't have a bone? Even better question.. what dog doesn't have a pile of bones! Its every dogs dream to have them piled high just like in the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven.. So Catie found herself a pile of bones.. She found them attached to the bodies of my 52 Barbies in my tub. Thats right.. she pulled off the legs of almost all of my barbies leaving legless torsos behind for me to find in my tub. Not even the silkiest blonde barbie hair could make them look beautiful again. They looked like they had been in a war with GI joes and little green army men. They had lost. I can remember like it was yesterday, walking over to my tub, pulling the lid back and my stomach turning. Being the cry baby that I am, I instantly starting bawling my eyes out. I can still see all the halves just piled in the tub with skirts and pants mixed in around them. I had about 10-15 survivors but the rest never made it. Now thinking back, I'm surprised Catie ever made it.... I was furious and now that I stop and think about it, at 22 years of age I'm still very bitter. You can't recover from a loss like that! All the years of collecting, dressing, hair brushing, accessorizing... ruined by a greedy dog that needed a pile of bones. I take it back.. this isn't an amazing memory..

So thats about as relaxing as my yoga sessions get.. I get high off my yoga mat and then think about old memories and my blood pressure rises until I'm steaming out the ears again.. I think its really doin something for me.. really working out those angry muscles in my face.. mm yeah.. that feels goooood.

RIP my Barbies.. I know you're in a better place where the streets are pink, you have your own pink castle and there isn't a dog in sight.