Two years ago I had a conversation with you that I will never forget. You asked me when my new husband and I planned to have children. I answered your question and you continued the conversation by telling me I was wrong. You told me that it would be selfish of me to have children while my sister Catie is alive because she wants to have a baby so badly. It would make sense that you would feel this way for two reasons. First, you are a very negative person. I remember your smiles, majority of the time, were only on your face because you were talking about food or making fun of someone. You were never happy and were excellent at finding the bad in everything. Even when it didn't exist, you made it. So it would make sense that in an exciting situation, like a new life, you'd have to go and be negative at the thought. Second, you don't know Catie. She became an inconvenience and then non existent in your life so it would make sense for you to assume she'd be upset if I were to ever become pregnant, because you don't know her. You don't know what makes her happy.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but there is thing called Survivors Guilt. Google it. I struggle with it and although I knew how ridiculous your comments were, I still couldn't get them out of my head.
Exactly 1 year later I ran into you again, this time 2 months pregnant. Rather than congratulate me on my pregnancy, you doubtfully questioned Caties happiness in the situation. I want you to know that when I found out I was pregnant, your comment was one of my first thoughts. That makes me so angry because like I said, it was ridiculous and yet, I still allowed myself to think about it and wonder if it could be true. I'm happy to inform you that I did tell Catie I was pregnant and she was so excited to become an Aunt. One year later she is still happy to be an aunt. Matter of fact, the only thing about my baby that does upset her is having to wait her turn to hold him every day.
I used to hope I'd run into you. I couldn't wait to point my finger square in your face and accuse you of being all of the things that make you who you are. Thankfully, I never did run into you and that gave me time. Time to think about it a lot and realize how hurtful that would have been to you. After all, "an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." Who am I to think that lecturing you would change you? It won't. I just want you to know that you are capable of hurting feelings and maybe you could be more careful with the next sib you talk to. I want you to know that I am no longer mad at you, but rather sad. I feel sorry for you when I think about the situation. I can't understand being able to think the way you do and I only hope and pray that one day you will know a true happiness and peace that passes all understanding. Then you can have smiles that mean something wonderful.
I've attached some pictures that I took of Auntie Catie and baby Joey cuddled together. I hope you'll take some time to look at them and hopefully realize how precious of a gift it is for me to see my baby sister hold my baby boy and enjoy it. I feel like I should thank you because if you hadn't made such a big deal about my life and the people in it, I probably would not appreciate the moment as much as I do.