Monday, December 22, 2008

Happy Holidays

Saturday afternoon I came over to the house to say hi to mom for a little while to see how everyone was doing. Amy skipped down stairs and started talking. "hey i was thinking, after Christmas when things calm down..." and being the rude sister that I am I cut her off by saying "psh! yeah right. when do things ever calm down for the Allio's!" Too bad my joke was the truth. 10 minutes later Nonni called in hysterics. Uncle crashed his bike. He's at UCDavis Med Center in a coma. Doctors say to prepare for the worst. They are still waiting on the MRI results. Mom is there of coarse. She can barely leave his side. Talking to the doctors and caring for Shelia, making sure everyone has eaten and doesn't need a thing. I wonder when mom will be the one that everyone is caring for.
I keep thinking of Tony. What if it was my big brother? I really don't know how she is dealing with this other than she is just in survivor mode and won't stop to think or care for herself until everything changes. I'd like to say that she has the support of her own mom there but God knows thats impossible. Nonni would have to actually be willing to sit in a waiting room and care for people rather than worry about herself. It would mean skipping church in the morning and the christmas function at church that night. she really needed to pray though. and eat. and get presents from friends. and talk about all that she has gone through in her life. People are hurting for her as this may be her second child that she watches pass away but I wish they could realize she will be just fine. She lives for these kinds of things. I feel bad for her, i do. But maybe no more than I would any other person waiting in that hospital even with her as my nonni. brutal, i know. oh well. But that is a whole different story, or should I say rant and rave session. My biggest concern is my momma. People are amazed at her strength and her faith. I have to admit, I can't understand it. I do not know how she does what she does. I do know however that we as a family have been worried about her BEFORE this happened. What will she do if Frankie doesn't make it? She'll be strong all throughout the process like she is now, but what about after? I'm terrified to know. I'm not the only one either... Its strange. All of us kids are just worried about her more than we even are Uncle. Some people don't understand that, trust me I have the texts to prove it. yikes. but too bad. The truth is Uncle is closer to being in Heaven with God and his little brother than any of us! Why we beg to be able to keep him here longer is only our selfish nature. Knowing where he could be and how peaceful he could be just allows us to know that however much we are in pain over his condition, he really could be better off. I mean, he can't breathe on his own, he barely has a face and his brain is disconnected from his skull. com'on. Whatever happens I know is God's will. Its the waiting game that I hate. The thought of all mom has gone through and all that she has ahead is so overwhelming.
Of coarse with mom in Sacramento since Saturday at 2 o'clock, I'm at the house as much as possible. Back into "mom mode" once again. Being so busy and having to make sure I cover all the bases, it hadn't hit me how serious everything was. I even made it to the hospital yesterday to drive mom home and saw Uncles face, or whats left of it. You can't tell its him. That didn't even catch up with me in that moment because I still had to get mom fed and home safely. Got home, went straight to bed only to wake up and make shopping lists for today. Kerri and I got Amy's birthday shopping done for mom, Christmas eve and christmas day groceries bought. So busy in my mind i wasn't thinking about anything other than "don't forget the duraflames." It was in the freezer section that I lost it. I was trying to find raviolis and they didn't have 2 of the same flavors! I finally found a second bag of the same flavor and it was open so ravs spilt into the cart. I pulled a classic me move. "SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!" I took the open bag of ravs, opened the freezer door and chucked the bag into the freezer as hard as I could. slammed the door, looked at Kerri standing with her mouth open, started crying and moved on to the duraflames. Like really? I can't get a damn bag of pasta to feed my family on Christmas? its always the little things. I know very well its not the little things, its all the big things and not allowing myself to be upset. Always having to be strong and keep everything together. So I continued home, put the groceries away, decorated Christmas cookies with my sisters, made the antipasto treys for xmas day and roasted hazlenuts for mom. She has to have them on Christmas since she used to eat them with her Nonnu. I also got baggies of candy wrapped up for the neighbors. I tried to convince mom that the neighbors will understand, its just candy but she said that she would just put it together when she gets home tonight from the hospital. SEE?! aaaalways taking care of others. Not this time mom lol, i got it covered.
Maybe I'm not extremely worried about Uncle Frank and the fact that his brain is ruined because I haven't stopped to think about it! I'm too busy trying to take care of everyone and make sure my mom is ok. Oh well, thats how it goes right?
I can't even think straight, don't know what I've written. Good thing i just use blog rather than a shrink, they prolly would have kicked me out by now.
Annie is at denise's house, Catie is sitting quietly. She's having a bad day. Kerri & Amy are watchin tv and Dad and tony are with mom in sac. Kyles At work. So I'm guessing thats why i just spilt my guts... I have time to think about it all.
I'm going to continue picking up around the house and getting any gifts wrapped that are needed before kyle gets off at 7. We are going to oakland to his cousins for a xmas party. THE LAST thing I want to do, but I know kyle has been looking forward to it so I've got my sweater on and we're going. Tomorrow Kyle is off so I will spend the day with him until 7 when we take Kerri and Amy to their piano recital. They were so sweet, offering to miss it but heck, they have worked so hard on these songs!! They've gotta show off their hard work. by tonight everything at the house should be in order until wednesday. I'll come back over in the morning to get the house ready for the family to come over. People keep making the comment, "I can't believe this is happening to your family, especially this time of year." um, thanks but i'm pretty sure this could happen in dead of summer and it would still be miserable. Christmas, aside from the fact that Jesus was born, is just another day. At least thats what I'm telling myself this year. I can't think about the fact that it is mine and Kyles first Christmas and that rather than cuddling in front of our tree all day I will be cooking dinner at my moms and trying to stay positive, happy and in the christmas spirit for the sake of my little sisters. Selfish, I know. But I am bummed.
uuuuuuuuh. I need to get off this computer and back to staying busy. Amy needs a haircut anyway.

If only i could be as strong as my mom and take peace in the fact that God planned out my day today and already knows what tomorrow holds.


Brazen Hussey's said...

Oh, Kelly. Your honesty is beautifully brutal.

You sound like you are well on your way to taking care of everyone just like your mom, despite how you are feeling.

I honestly have never met anyone like her. She gives fully, without reservation, and does it with a smile. I don't know how. Maybe she needs that to deal. Maybe it is Christ in her. Maybe both.

I feel like anything I could say would be trite. Like any catch phrase or verse would make you want to throw more food in the frozen food section.

I thought of you guys though, last night because we are reading Hinds Feet on High Places as a fam. In it the "Good Shepherd" gives the main character, "Much Afraid" two companions to aid her on her way to the "High Places". She of course hopes that they are "Joy" and "Peace". But, instead she meets, "Sorrow" and "Suffering".

The Good Shepherd tells her that she must trust Him to give her the best companions. Reading this, it seems like He has chosen these two companions to hold the hands of the Allio family. I know that He knows best. But, the hands of those two companions are a fearful thing.

I am sorry that you have to make candy bags for neighbors, and that the store doesn't have two of the same types of raviloli's, and that you have to put a smile on and be a 40-something year old mom, instead of a 20-something year old newleywed.

But, I pray you never stop being honest, as brutal as it is, and that you never stop looking to Christ in spite of it all.

Praying for you, and yours as always, whether it is Christmas or summer...



Kelly Anne said...

Thank you so much tasha, I really just went off didn't I. Thank you for reminding me of the truth. So much better than trying to figure out why, how and what will fix it. Its supposed to be like this. Thank you for your prayers, talk to you soon...

Brazen Hussey's said...

I think it was good that you went off. Better that then to hide and act like it is all okay and easy. I can't stand people who play the part and act as if trusting Christ means wearing a smile, and never struggling through weakness. That can't be real, can it?

I was just so disturbed all night for you guys. Went to bed praying, woke up praying. I'm not the greatest, most consistent pray-er, but I seem to be unable to get you guys off my mind.

Sometimes I struggle with the goodness of God. James tells me that I see God in the image of my own Dad, who hasn't been the greatest. But, I wonder, if for entirely different reasons, do you struggle with it too? I often have to put my faith in what I *know* to be true, rather then what I *feel* to be true.

You don't have to respond to this, I know you are busy. Just my thoughts, that I can't contain.

Much love...

What's my name again? said...

Writing is therapy. It is for me and probably always will be. I agree that your honesty is beautiful. I could feel both your frustration and your love for your family in you words. Your family is one of my guages in life - I don't quite know how to explain it...

Anyways, from one blogger to the next, I enjoy your ramble and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who finds some solace in rambling away...