they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. two nights ago, ready or not, I admitted it out loud to my husband without wanting to and you would have thought a bright light came shining through the window and I had felt relief already. Now for the fun part, fixing it.
Monday morning Elizabeth Johnson past away at 22 years old from juvenile batten disease. She was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite batten kids. She was fiesty but in a sweet and funny way. Stubborn but friendly. She would make you laugh so hard at the things she said. I'll never forget one of the first conferences that I met her sister Rachel who explained that any time Liz was mad she'd call you pizza face.
One other thing about Liz was her similarity to Catie. No lie. If you saw them sitting next to each other you could only assume they were twins. Same hair texture/cut. Same face, same body, same mannerisms and same interests. It was really kind of freaky, but cool at the same time.
Liz will be missed very much by more than just her family. Like all the other Batten angels, she was fabulous.
Dad called to give me the news Monday night and I tried to brush it off. Tony and Kayla were coming over, no point in sulking when you can be thankful and happy to have what you do. Duh. Buuut that doesnt mean pretending like nothing happened, which I did. Until later that night when there were no more distractions to hide behind and reality smacked me in the face. Catie will be 20 this october! thats great, and I've been so excited about it until monday when I was reminded that 20 is old. There is an ending to her life that alot of times I'm used to the thought of so I don't dwell on it. Ever. I just focus on how happy she is today. Not a horrible thing to do, but like anything you have to have balance and I've had none for the past couple years. I've pushed the death stuff waaaaay back and just kept the comfy stuff forward and when you do that any time a tiny bit of death stuff creeps back in you go insane, like I did monday night. Crying like I haven't cried since I was 16 and consumed by the thought of caties death. litterally. My husband did his best to reassure me that its ok and then it happened.. unintentionally I blurted out, " I will not be able to live without catie. I have always looked out for her my whole life and without her it will be like my life is gone too."
I never said that out loud, I've just thought it. the true fear that if Catie dies I will too. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. The thought that taking care of my husband and son and annie or the rest of my family will not be the same.
So now for the fun part. Getting help. Finding someone to talk to about it that can help me work it all out so that I can at some point get help for my fear so when the day comes that Catie becomes an angel with Liz, I will be able to accept it. Cause as of today,no matter how much I pretend, theres no accepting any of it. The death stuff at least.