Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pizza Face!

they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. two nights ago, ready or not, I admitted it out loud to my husband without wanting to and you would have thought a bright light came shining through the window and I had felt relief already. Now for the fun part, fixing it.

Monday morning Elizabeth Johnson past away at 22 years old from juvenile batten disease. She was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite batten kids. She was fiesty but in a sweet and funny way. Stubborn but friendly. She would make you laugh so hard at the things she said. I'll never forget one of the first conferences that I met her sister Rachel who explained that any time Liz was mad she'd call you pizza face.
One other thing about Liz was her similarity to Catie. No lie. If you saw them sitting next to each other you could only assume they were twins. Same hair texture/cut. Same face, same body, same mannerisms and same interests. It was really kind of freaky, but cool at the same time.
Liz will be missed very much by more than just her family. Like all the other Batten angels, she was fabulous.

Dad called to give me the news Monday night and I tried to brush it off. Tony and Kayla were coming over, no point in sulking when you can be thankful and happy to have what you do. Duh. Buuut that doesnt mean pretending like nothing happened, which I did. Until later that night when there were no more distractions to hide behind and reality smacked me in the face. Catie will be 20 this october! thats great, and I've been so excited about it until monday when I was reminded that 20 is old. There is an ending to her life that alot of times I'm used to the thought of so I don't dwell on it. Ever. I just focus on how happy she is today. Not a horrible thing to do, but like anything you have to have balance and I've had none for the past couple years. I've pushed the death stuff waaaaay back and just kept the comfy stuff forward and when you do that any time a tiny bit of death stuff creeps back in you go insane, like I did monday night. Crying like I haven't cried since I was 16 and consumed by the thought of caties death. litterally. My husband did his best to reassure me that its ok and then it happened.. unintentionally I blurted out, " I will not be able to live without catie. I have always looked out for her my whole life and without her it will be like my life is gone too."
I never said that out loud, I've just thought it. the true fear that if Catie dies I will too. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. The thought that taking care of my husband and son and annie or the rest of my family will not be the same.
So now for the fun part. Getting help. Finding someone to talk to about it that can help me work it all out so that I can at some point get help for my fear so when the day comes that Catie becomes an angel with Liz, I will be able to accept it. Cause as of today,no matter how much I pretend, theres no accepting any of it. The death stuff at least.


Janet said...

I know it doesn't seem like it, especially with pregnancy hormones and all the emotions involved with them but you will make it when the day comes. All of us will.

You'll hold that little boy of yours in your arms on that day and tell him all about how wonderful his Aunt Catie was.

You'll get a tattoo like Sandy will of a perfect Angel because that's what Catie is and she will always be with you right there in that tattoo.

Then on days when you are down and miss her you'll tell Joey stories about you and Catie. You'll laugh, drink root beer and dress in purple and you'll honor her memory forever because that's what Catie would want you to do.

And every October 20th we will all get together, have a birthday party, watch Titanic and sing "My heart will go on", because to honor Catie all our hearts must go on.

You are an incredible person, you will be an incredible mother and you'll someday find that the memory of Catie will give you strength not tear you down.

God and Catie wouldn't have it any other way!

San~San said...

Brought tears to my eyes. Ive been thinking about her turning 20 a lot. its hard. My moms comment helped. the day i met Catie my world changed, I didnt think we would be so close, but we are. I love her so much, she is so special to me. I find it so hard to go over and see her, but I do it anyways, hold back tears, but also remembering how she was a couple years ago. sorry im just jabbering.
great blog, really touched me.

What's my name again? said...

Oh Honey...I can't cry, I'm working the DUI checkpoint right now!!! I think finding someone to talk to is a great idea and you should...and then you can blog the h*ll out of it too and I will read every word! I really hated running out of the house tonight for work, but it was great seeing your family and the girls. When it comes time Catie and Annie will never, ever be gone because no one will ever forget them.