Note To Self

You can't save everyone no matter how hard you try.

Sweet 16

When did time fly by so quickly? I know things are busy and always changing but why is it that people continue to age through it all?

Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?

When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?

When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?

I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.

I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..

O Holy Night

She'd stand tall and brave but I could always see that she was nervous. She'd grip the handle of her cane like a child grips their friends arm while giving an indian burn. You know when you twist your hands in the opposite direction of each other? I'd start to play the intro to the song, more nervous that she wouldn't know when to come in and start singing than I was of messing up on the piano. You never knew when she'd start at the right time and get the words right or when she'd blank out and now we know why. She'd start to sing, "O Holy Night" and suddenly it was like you couldn't hear anything else. It's like the song says, "o holy night the stars are brightly shining." That is what her voice sounded like. It was bright. You know when you drive up to tahoe and you take your first breath of fresh tahoe air when you step out of the car? Or the first step out into the cold night air during winter? Its clear and sharp. Its fresh and appealing. It often times will take your breath away for a split second. That is what her voice was like. Or in the song when it says, "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices!" I can't imagine the sound that people must have heard when Christ was born. The sound of the heavens rejoicing over his birth. But I do imagine it was somewhat like her voice. Loud and powerful but soft and gentle all at the same time. Its like almost couldn't expect it looking at her because she was just small and nervous. But when she hit the high note of the song it would move you to tears. To hear such a sound come out of a child. I try to describe it to my husband. I try to convince him that I don't just remember it to be a pretty sound because she's my sister or because I miss her voice. It really was remarkable.

I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.

I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.

"Take Care"

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there

It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there



All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another

All Worth It

We were standing in the store like little kids begging each other for Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear party hats. Kyle and I must have looked like a couple of kids up to no good with no where else to go at 10:30 on a Monday night other than WalMart. Truth is we felt like little kids.. filled with so much excitement for an upcoming birthday party. We finally decided on decorations and then headed straight for the toy isle.. "OMG Kyle, he NEEDS this!!" I'd shout, looking at the fisher price play kitchen. "No babe, he needs THIS!" Kyle pointed to the giant lego box with the set of Andy's Room and all the Toy Story Toys.

We were picking out gifts and decorations for our sons first birthday!! You probably can't see it in the way I type but I am smiling SO very big right now.

What a gift!! To be given a baby. To carry that baby to term, deliver that baby with no serious complications and watch that little baby grow into a toddler over the last year. Not everybody is given that gift and I don't take it for granted. I find myself teary eyed every night as I pray over my little boy and tuck him into bed. This little boy is my life, my everything. He was the size of a poppy seed when God used him to enlighten my eyes and help me see Him for who He truly is. My Savior. A POPPY SEED!!!!

When I stop and think about the last year and all that Kyle and I have experienced as new parents, good and bad, I feel so completely exhausted. I'm not going to lie. I feel so enormously happy and thankful and content and then those sharp pains remind me that my body never fully healed properly from my 24 hours of labor and I feel tired, worn out and "mom-like" along with happy, thankful and content. Thats alot of things to be feeling at once.. I think. Either way, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Standing in a WalMart picking out the right shade of green balloons for my SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY with my HUSBAND makes every empty bank account, stretch mark, new tooth, tear, poopy diaper, frazzled moment, future surgery, long night, interrupted hokey pokey time, lack of hokey pokey time and everything else that we have experienced for the first time in our lives MORE than worth it. My baby boy is going to have a birthday and Kyle and I are the blessed parents who get to humbly be a part of this little dudes special day.

Our Little Monster is Turning ONE!

The Little Things

I'm a Target Lover. I could visit target every day just to stare at the bright red trim around the ceiling. I check their Daily Deals on my Target App every morning and look forward to Sunday mornings so that I can browse their weekly add. I am an addict. I compulsively give target my money without even giving it a second thought. I take my husbands on dates to Target so I can walk hand in hand with him in my favorite place. I.LOVE.IT! This week was especially wonderful for our relationship. I walked through that store with a giddy grin on my face. One that was much to big to describe. One that could have easily bursted into excited giggles and tears all at one time. Why, you ask?

Sweats.

Not just any sweats..

"Sweats for the whole family!"

There it was in their weekly add, the mixed racial family of 5 in their $5 sweat pans and sweat shirts smiling cheese-ily while posing for the picture. Perfect timing for the sale, as Monday morning brought a chilly drizzle in with the daily grind.

So there I was, walking through target. First Joeys sweats. Size 18 months already! Then Daddys.. size L cuz mommy thinks its hot when daddy wears his baggy sweats like a true gangsta. And Mommys sweats, size M cuz I CAN! cuz I don't need L this winter like I did last. There they were in my arms.. my sweats for MY WHOLE FAMILY.. cause I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!!!

I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Weird. Boring. Simple. Sure doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.. sheesh. did I really say I was so happy I could have cried? Over SWEATS??!! Say whuuu??? Well I did. Turns out, the "little things" in my life are usually attached to "big things" which take them from "no big deal things" and turns them into "almost cry out of joy in target things."

Caties birthday was Wednesday. She turned 21! What a gift to share that day with her. What an anxious, bittersweet feeling as we waited for it. Its this frustrating thing where you are so happy to be celebrating another year of her life and at the same time afraid its her last. bla bla bla, I've blogged about it a million times. This year however, was different. It was in no way easier to celebrate or less sad than its ever been. But this year was different for me in this way. I have ALWAYS and sometimes still do, feel like when Catie dies I will too. Sounds stupid but its an honest fear, worry, feeling. Whatever you want to call it. Life will not go on without her. My parents will lose their mind and lose interest in the rest of us kids because they will be so caught up in missing her. My siblings will all go different ways because we won't know how to handle it or be together without her. I will not know what to do with myself because I spend every waking moment thinking about her and if she needs me or my help. BUT!! this year, I had sweats for my whole family in my arms. My sons sweats are only a size 18 months. He is just a baby and has his whole life ahead of him. My husbands sweats are only a size L because I have only been married to him for 2 years and have the rest of our lives together to fatten him up. My sweats were only a size M because I haven't blown up into a house with baby #2 or maybe even 3 yet. I have a family. My life is just beginning. I could celebrate Caties birthday this year and know that even if it is her last, I can celebrate what would be her next with MY family. With or without her. Does that mean it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to imagine a day where she's not in her bed downstairs? certainly not. I can't even type about it without crying. I truly feel like we are connected in some weird way. Like they say twins are, ya know?? But anyway, It just means that I will have my best friend, my husband and our sweet baby boy to keep living my life with. Life will go on.

And we have sweats to keep living it in!! :)

Stay By My Side

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of January 2010. Catie was in the hospital and we thought she was going to pass away. Mom and I were sitting next to her bed talking. I was holding Catie's hand and tearfully telling mom that I couldn't live without my sister. We looked over and Catie had started crying too. She wasn't sleeping like we thought she was. So we cried together and I told her to stop it cuz everything would be fine...

Stay By My Side -good old war

Family Fuzz

No, I'm not about to talk about how fuzzy my family is... that is most definitely old news and not that great to talk about. I mean really, who really wants to know the dirty details of waxing, shaving and eyebrows that reach back to your hair line? or back hair mistaken for tattoos? no thanks.

The family fuzz I'm talking about is the good kind! You know those moments that make your heart feel WARM & FUZZY inside?? Well lately, call it being over emotional, you can call it sentimental on a level Joe for those of you that know my dad, but whatever you want to call it, I've got alot of it these days. Mostly because of my son and how I'm so grateful to have him that some days I feel like I will burst with happiness.

These are some Family fuzzies as of lately:

Getting to my parents house to pick Joey up after Bible study, walking over to say goodnight to Catie and her reaching out and hugging me.. don't forget the kisses! there were lots of those too :)

Taking my son to his first Giants game!! I had to keep reminding myself that he didn't care about anything but the french fries sitting on the guys lap in front of us. Let alone, the first time mommy went to AT&T park, or back when the Giants played at Candlestick and Nonni and Poppie brought mommy and her siblings to an SF vs LA game and sat us in the bleachers!! Watching him spot his daddy in the crowd of people was the icing on the cake. I felt like I could burst into a million tears and giggles all at the same time!

Sitting in a quiet office filled with the morning sun with a complete stranger who I had just met and realizing I have a new life, I am my own person and I have my own responsibilities. That my home is my sanctuary, my escape and MY respite. That its ok to be there and enjoy it. Sometimes you need to hear the straight forward truth of the matter from someone on the outside looking in.

Watching Joey dance in Auntie Kerri's arms while he watches Uncle Tony play the drums. He is so young but already strongly admires his uncle.

Seeing Joey with his Grammy, Grandpa, Auntie and Uncle, Daddy and Mommy all in the same room for the first time in months. Prayer does work. My husbands face proved it :)

When Joey would rather be with his Poppie than his own mother..

When I look at a picture of my mom and she looks JUST like uncle Frankie..

When, even after scaring Joey to tears with her outbursts, Annie is able to make him belly laugh.

Feeding my son pizza for the first time!! (shh, don't tell his ped!) lol

Going on a date with Kyle and him only wanting to talk about Joey and his "future siblings"


These are just a few of the Fuzzies that fill my heart until I feel like there is no room for more. I am so thankful for my family!! I can honestly understand the feeling of knowing my family is a gift from my Father in heaven.. not just people I'm lucky to have in my life.

A Pony Ride

I recently took a trip to Tahoe with my mom and my Nonnie. On our way home we stopped at Apple Hill to grab some apple donuts for my Dad.. the police officer. (coincidence?) Anyway.. As we were there I could see memories my family there everywhere I looked. My parents used to take us there in the fall when we were just little kids. Its so much smaller than I ever remembered it. When I was little, I felt like we were walking through a huge forest when we were there. Turns out its just a parking lot with pine trees throughout. The craft tents seemed to go on for days. There really are only a few.. I guess when Nonnie comes along on the day trips a few craft tents are a few too many. I can remember the hill, that I thought to be so steep, that little slanted thing? yeah, well at the base of that hill is the pond that Tony used to ask to fish in. We'd walk by and watch people fishing in what now looks like a shallow puddle. Then.. we came to it. Just past the pond. The part that was the highlight of Caties day. Not mine.. mine was just around the corner in the fudge shop but theres nothing new and exciting to talk about there so I'll get back to what I was about to say... THE PONY RIDES! We'd all ride these tiny little ponys as they walked in circles and we all enjoyed it, but Catie, she was in her glory!! She has always been a horse lover! She always talked about having her own horse and thanks to the Make A Wish foundation, did for some time. Just thinking about how happy it the pony ride made her makes me cry. I wish I had a picture of her riding there at Apple Hill. I'm sure my mom has one somewhere. She was just so comfortable.. Her long, straight brown hair pulled back in a bouncy pony tail. Most likely with a big bow or ribbon tied in it. She had these straight bangs that sat just over her little eyebrows, uninterrupted by a cowlick like mine. They were so pretty! You know when you see a gorgeous painting with the most perfect matting around it? that was how Caties bangs were. They brought out her dark brown eyes that were so little and beady but SO expressive. They were soft and kind. Just like they are now.. She had this huge smile and a laugh that was loud but delicate. Its hard to describe.. and it sounds typical to use the example of an angel but really, when I think about Catie as a little girl I can't think of anything else to describe her. She wasn't just a little girl who liked ponies.. sure, she was just this skinny little girl but she had this bubble around her that was huge and sweet. She was spunky but in a fun way. She wasn't afraid of anything and never got caught up in anything but enjoying every fun moment. I could never just enjoy riding my pony. I was always looking to see who had the prettier one, or how much longer until the ride was over or when we were going to get a freaking caramel apple.. but Catie. She just looked like she was in a different place. Disconnected in a way.. like even before she had short term memory and crap for brain cells, she still had an innocent life that wasn't clouded with reality. Like an angel. Like she couldn't see anything negative. Its almost as if there are flowers and butterflies and cupcakes flying around her while she glides by on this pony. Kind of funny now that I think about it. I just can't seem to find the words to describe what she looked like. Like pure perfection! Like I said, like an angel. She still seems like that some days.. When I see her slouched over in her hospital bed looking thinner and more tired, I can still see that bubble around her. Like, she really is happily riding a pony or something.. so peaceful and untouchable by the world and all that goes along with it. She still has the same kind eyes that just hug you. Sometimes her eye muscles freak out and its like she makes eye contact with you and for a split second its the same Catie that turned around and smiled at me while riding in circles on those ponies. She still has a soft, sweet voice too. Truthfully, Catie hasn't changed one bit since that pony ride in Apple Hill, only her body has changed. Still tho, I wish I could take her to Apple Hill and ride the Ponies as little girls again.

Its probably unhealthy to always wish I could go back in time and be with the old Catie. Probably seems like I don't appreciate her or being with her now and thats not at all the case. I am so thankful for every day she is here, even if I don't get to see her that day. I honestly believe I will always want to go back into the past. I don't think it will ever change.. whether its healthy or not. I will always wonder what it would be like if Catie was healthy and we could bring our kids to Apple Hill together.

Shoot. I need a caramel apple. Make that a fudge covered caramel apple. Okay, okay. Two fudge covered caramel apples with nuts.
If only it was that simple of a fix huh? I'd be a whole lot chunkier if the fudge shop at Apple Hill could cure heart aches. I guess until there is a cure I'll just continue putting band aids over all the little bruises that pop up every time I see something like an anti animal friendly horse pen that reminds me of my sister and the memories we've made.




really tho, wheres my apple?

"thats Joeys mom"

I used to be Kelly. Thats what most people knew me by. Maybe Kelly Anne for the people I know from beauty school and the salon. Kelly Allio (which gets my husband quite annoyed since I'm now, Kelly Wieder) for the people I grew up with knowing my whole life. Kelly uhleeee-o for the doctors and nurses that I grew up seeing for shots each flu season. But now, I am "Joeys Mom." When I go to my family's house, if Joey is not in my arms its, "WHERES JOEY!!!" rather than "hey Kel," and if he IS in my arms then its "MY JOEY!!" rather than "hi Joey AND Kelly!" Its cool. Really. I get it. He's awesome. But its not just at their house! Its anywhere I go! Not to sound completely obsessed and full of myself, but I used to get compliments on my hair or outfit or whatever. Now I'm just the prop that is holding the chunky little blonde mohawk-ed, blue eyed, ADORABLE baby boy, aka Joey.

This may sound like the beginning of a cry for help. The classic, "I've lost myself and I don't know who I am!" kinda deal. The, "I'm no longer me, I'm now 'mom' and I don't matter!" or "I've given up all my talents and dreams" or "I look in the mirror and hate that I've let myself go" stuff. Well, Let me make myself VERY CLEAR. That first paragraph was not a complaint, it is an excited bragging statement!!! I have never felt more like myself than when my life became less about me and all about my son!

I'll be honest, I do have moments, when I feel lousy about the way I look. But shoot, I did BEFORE I walked around with an almost 9lb baby shoved in my torso. So whats there to sweat about?
There are also times when I think about hair. My first true love. The shears, the color bowls. Ahh, the bliss of it all. I think about the people asking me to get a job in a salon or the offers I've been given to travel with people doing hair. I think about the possibility of a booming business and the appointments people are always trying to book and I miss it. I LOVE doing hair.. but I love Joey even more! That is what alot of people don't understand. They say, "I wish I had a talent or job I could do as a mom so i could hold onto parts of 'me' and who I am." As much as I miss the opportunity or dream of Hollywood hair, nothing compares to the joy that my little monster brings me every day.

Now don't get me wrong. Its is VERY important to make time for yourself as a mom. My Nana, mother of 8, is very good at regularly checking up on me and making sure I'm taking time for myself. My mom is also good at it. She constantly says she will watch Joey so I can go home and rest or go do something fun. (I think its just a trick.. she really just wants time with Joey) And trust me, I love taking time to do an up-do on someone, or bake a batch of Cutie Patootie cupcakes or create a cake for someones birthday etc. I love taking the time to sit and draw, even just a quick sketch here and there.. maybe sit at the piano and jot down a little song. Whatever it is, its fun because they are things that I love to do! But the whole time I do them now, my mind is consumed with my son and my man and how I just can't wait to be with the two of them.

I feel so completely blessed to feel this way. To be glad that I lost my old identity and have gained a new one. That my Husband and Son come first in my life. There are so many people that would give anything to be parents, or stay at home moms. I've been given the gift of it and I don't know how long it will last. So for today, I'm thankful and always hopeful to see tomorrow.

I have found what I'm meant to be in this life. Joey's Mom.

Written By Kelly Wieder

Oh my little blog. Funny little thing it is. And so very neglected these days! I started it long ago as a means of stress relieving. I have always had so much stress and anxiety built up over all kinds of things my whole life. My mom said when I was a little girl I would cry because my barbies high heels wouldn't stay on.. Control freak. Yes, thats me. When things are out of my control I don't know what to do but hit my head against a wall and pretend like it won't bruise. ha silly me! Anyway, my blog was helpful. I could log in and type away.. 9o% of my blogs have been drenched in tears, 5% written with the fire of hell seeping through my angry finger tips and another 5% out of pure happiness. So in a way it was good that I had this blog or "therapy session" but when I consider the fact that only 5% is pure happiness I realized that my blog was letting me spill my guts but had no feed back for me. Since realizing this, I stuck my blog in the closet and started looking for real help. The kind that listens and talks back.. so now there isn't any reason to keep blogging. It wasn't until recently that I had a long talk on the way home from Tahoe with my mom (Now that is a whole entry in itself so stay tuned) and realized I needed to dust off the keyboard and get back to blogging.

I always knew I would be printing out every blog entry I've typed and place it in a folder. Never did I think I could possibly turn these entries into a book. I still don't think I could but my Mom says otherwise. She said.. "You need to Kel, like a, 'the life of a sibling' kind of thing." I'm flattered really.. but come on. She also thinks I sing nice, am the most talented hairstylist in the world and she hung my 4 year old art work on her fridge. She's my mother for crying out loud! I started thinking about it though. I thought about the book "special siblings." A book written by the sister of a sibling with special needs. I've read this book 3 times now and I cried every time. Why would I put myself through that? Back in February I blogged about the movie "my sisters keeper" and how it brought so many thoughts to mind and ZING!! thats just it! Thats the whole point. My situation is completely different than those two stories yet the same in so many ways. Its like someone smacked me in the head and said, "woman, you make yourself miserable watching and reading these stories because you like to know someone else is dealing with it too." ya know, misery likes company? Its like someone is jumping of the pages of that book and telling me that its normal to feel like you're the only one and that its nice to be reminded that you're not. That someone else has, is or will be going through the same things I have been, am or will be going through.

Then I started thinking about all the comments I got from people about my blog. Their favorite entries. The entries that made them feel like they were this small (I'm pinching my fingers together lol) because they realized maybe how they lived their life or maybe how their life affects other people and how they are making changes because of it. I've gotten comments from people that I didn't even know knew how to use a computer let alone cared at all to read about my life.

Then I REALLY started thinking. If all of these people are reading my blog and enjoying it or hating it, whichever. What if it could have the same effect on someone that those books and movies had on me? What if someone came across it and saw how annoying I can be and then feels better about themself.. like, "dang this chick is nuts.. I'm not that bad." well, AWESOME!! I'm glad I can make someone feel better. If someone reads a story about me and Catie and starts crying cause they have their own sad story that they are hiding or trying to forget about, then COOL!!! You gotta get it off your chest, I'm glad I could help!

This is the point. I'm gonna get back at this blogging stuff because its not all about me. Its not JUST about the fact that I like to take the time to remember what Catie was like or remember some of my favorite times in life. Its also about the people that I may impact by making them feel like they aren't the only ones. Maybe it can be an escape for people that like to be nosey, like myself, and snoop on other peoples lives to get a break from their own. Maybe I'm just doing this cause my mom said I should. Thats more likely.. either way, here we go..

I have no idea what my book will be called, but I do know you will see 'written by kelly wieder' at the bottom of the cover :)

One Hour Photo

While enjoying a one hour nap today I came across so many snapshots. The kind that you take with your eyes. You know, the kind where you stop in the middle of a special moment, you stare as hard as you can at something and blink your eyes like you'd snap the button on a camera and just like that you store that photo in your memories. I'm not too good and just sitting and going through my snapshots. Seems like if I try to look at them I can't find a single one... but put me in a situation where one of my senses triggers it and all of a sudden I have album upon album opening up.

My nap took place out by the pool today. I hid out in my swim suit and shut my eyes as quick as I could. I played a 2 year olds game of hide and seek with myself.. If I close my eyes so that I can't see my stretched out layer of extra skin from my pregnancy, then no one else can see it! (if thats not how it works I'd rather not know.. so just play along) I plugged in my head phones and entered into my warm sun induced coma.. suddenly over my music I could hear a plane fly over me and instantly missed my Nana.. Poppie and Nana live in a house in so. san fran and from their dining room window you can see the SF airport. Along with the view is the sound of airplanes flying through the sky all day and all night. Its a hum that I love. Reminds me of taking naps in the afternoon sun that would shine through the living room window and onto the, at the time, gold couch that I would lay on.
Later in during my coma, I started to get really hot.. suddenly a cool breeze blew over me and I was all of a sudden laying on the roof of my Uncles boat. I'm in Chico on the lake and its so hot and sunny but theres a cool breeze. my Uncle is sitting beneath me with my brother and they have their fishing poles hanging out the side of the boat. My Aunt is obsessing over my cousin and I since we are on the roof of the boat without our life vests on. My Uncle passed away friday morning. He was more like a grandpa than an Uncle. There was a year and a half of my life where I emailed him almost every day. I could talk to him about Catie and he always replied back with emails that felt like hugs. I'll never forget the email I sent him when Catie was first moved downstairs and placed in a hospital bed. I was so upset but he wrote back and explained that she's not in a hospital bed, she's in a bed that has railings. Seems stupid but it was something I've never forgotten. Matter of fact, catie doesn't use a wheelchair, she uses a chair with wheels. She also doesn't use a feeding tube, she uses a device that we can feed her through.. Some may call it denial, I call it "uncle don-ing" Believe it or not it has helped with each new change I've faced in my life.
After dozing off, I woke up to Ben Folds playing in my ears. Right then I was so excited! It was two in the morning and my little baby was laying across my chest just 4 hours old. I was a mommy and he was my son. His daddy and the love of my life was sleeping right next to us and I felt more satisfied and complete than ever in my life...

I'd say it was a pretty successful nap that I took.. Even managed to get a tiny bit of color on y skin..

Time Flys

Dear blog,

I almost forgot what my password was to log into you. It's been a while and I've missed you. Unfortunately during the last few months of life I haven't been able to find time for you. Its not that I don't love you or want to spend time with you, its just that I don't have the time and when I do I'm too tired to try and have a conversation.

Things have been going well.. My grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage together. My amazing dad ran the Relay for the 10th year in a row. I celebrated my very first mothers day!! Joey has learned to sit unsupported, all by himself and now eats baby food! He also drinks formula that costs more than a lobster dinner costs. We moved into a larger apartment and Kyle and I have our own room again and Kyles got a job at the local radio station which is pretty rad!

Thats about the quickest update I have time for. Like I said, we have our own room again.. gotta go!

I'll write you, hopefully sooner than later.

xoxo

There She Goes

Last night in the middle of a chaotic dream, Catie walked over and simply said "hi Kelly" and then laughed and it was like it hadn't been years since I heard her little voice so clearly. Then she was gone. Just like that.

Its going to be one of those days where I just wish she could talk to me about grown up things.

At least I can go give her a hug :)

SoulMates

2 years ago today I married my best friend. Despite what some may have thought about our young age, this marriage has been good to and for us.

I love you Mr. Kyle Alan Wieder and I am so excited for 100 more anniversaries with you.

What Itch?

It had been a week of trying to figure out what to do and failing when I called my mom in tears on Saturday night, desperate for help. I didn't stop to see what time it was, which I should have since it was Annies bed time. I didn't stop to realize it was Saturday night and she was so tired. I forgot that she had been taking care of Catie who has had a cold. I just called and within 30 minutes she arrived at my door with oatmeal bath, caladryl, cotton balls, chocolate and a smile.

Joey has been fighting a rash that started on his face and has now moved down to his feet. The ER doctor gave us benedryl that hasn't helped which causes even more concern to me as a mom. Trying to solve the problem is what moms do but after a week of zero success and zero sleep I lost it. I couldn't calm down my baby or sooth this itch that was all over his body and lost my cool. I doubted myself and my ability to be a good mom. Thankfully my mom was here in no time helping and before I knew it Joey was fast asleep in his bed. well, for a little while at least. He was finally calm. I still haven't figured out whats going on but I see his pedi tomorrow.

Joey wasn't the only person my mom's super woman abilities soothed Saturday night. As soon as that oatmeal bath was made and Joey was soaking I felt like I was soaking in my own oatmeal bath 15 years ago. We had gotten the chicken pox in the middle of summer. Because we were sick we had to miss a big church party and were devastated. One thing we were too young to realize at the time was that Kathy Allio's children do not miss out on a good time because of hundreds of itchy bumps multiplying on their skin. Matter of fact, when I think about the chicken pox I have no memory of the itch whatsoever. When I think chicken pox I think moms big smile sitting in front of her long curly hair thrown up on top of her head with a ball point pen stuck in it. An Apron covered in a home made glue mix and a giant balloon that she had us cover in strips of news paper. She was making a pinata with us. While it was drying there was a little swimming pool full of oatmeal bath that we swam in and popsicles for in between swim sessions. I'm sure I was whining and crying about itching but like I said, thinking back theres no itch. Just soothing memories. Once again, her oatmeal bath powers soothed me all these years later by soothing my itchy baby boy.

If 'mom' was a flavor of Life Savers I'm positive the hard candy would make quite the comeback.

Sweet Dreams

At the end of the day some things don't matter. Things like rat infestation in your apartment and management that doesn't want to fix it properly or let you out of your lease. Family-in-law members that lie and exaggerate the truth like little children and make you out to be someone that you are not just because they are threatened by the truth. Friends that use you for your boldness and honesty when they need you to stand up for them but don't stand up for you when you are being lied and exaggerated about. New neighbors that are louder than the street you live on, which trust me, is loud.
At the end of the day I rock my baby in my arms and say a prayer as I tuck him into bed and I look at his sweet face. Then I go out to the living room and sit with my husband, brother and 2 amazing friends and I realize how special it is to have such fabulous people in my life. I think about my mom who was over in a minute after a simple text asking her to come over with no explanation. She was just there for me cause I needed her. I look at our apartment and I'm thankful that although its rat infested, its a roof over our head and we aren't stranded somewhere because of a poor economy or earth quake. I think of my daddy who I didn't even talk to today but he was constantly on my mind because I just needed a hug and he gives the best ones when you feel like you're swimming up stream. I think of my siblings who cheered me up just by walking in the door and seeing their silly personalities bursting at the seams. I think of my Nonnie who is insane and grinds my gears but is still alive and made me smile when I saw her tonight no matter how hard I tried to frown about it. I'm thankful for my husband and that we can be mad at each other, honest about it and fix the problem because we love each other and hate to fight. I'm thankful for our In N Out that we ate for dinner since we can now spend the money on eating out without having guilt reflux build up over it.

I'm thankful that as crappy as today was, I lived it. I was with my family, I cuddled with my husband, I spent time with my closest friends. I kissed my baby good night. Sometimes it just takes until the end of the night when you lay your head on your pillow and thank God for the day that you are able to see how good you really have it. Rats and all.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

While I was pregnant I did alot of research.. I'd spend time on a specific baby website that covered every single thing you could think of. They even sent weekly emails with special info in them that explained developements your baby was making that week. They also explained everything I needed to know for myself like, why I craved what I did, how to prevent stretch marks for as long as possible, how to exercise properly etc. It was SO helpful! I still get emails each week which is pretty awesome, but now its all postpardum stuff. After the baby comes articles like, how to deal with excessive crying from your baby, as well as yourself, how to deal with your man when he hasn't gotten any in months, how to minimize stretch marks, lose weight, breastfeed and heal your pooch when it looks and feels like it survived a war. All while looking pretty and wearing a smile on your face. ha. So of course there are articles that have tips on how to help your self esteem cause not only was your precious pooch beaten to death, your stomach was stretched out and your ankles became kankles.. ya gotta pretty up your inside before your outside can look good and thats when this article caught my attention. A dr. explained that when you hit that low a few months after pregnancy, make a list of all the things you are proud of that you did from the time you were prego until now. Sounds pretty conceited, especially because I know its only by the grace of God that I survived haha but after a sweet little 1st grader decided to tell me that she was concerned I had another baby that I needed to take out of my belly, I hit my low and decided to make my list. So here goes..

I am proud that I:

Chose life.
Survived morning sickness for the first 16 weeks.
Packed up & drove my sisters through the santa cruz mountains to get them to the relay on time and didn't puke til I got there.
Continued doing hair throughout my entire pregnancy.
Exercised daily up until 8 months.. then I got a liiiittle lazy.
Never made Kyle go buy me food in the middle of the night, no matter how bad I needed it.
Wore a bikini and didn't care.
Made a 2 teir graduation cake for my sister in-law.
Wore makeup and did my hair 75% of my pregnancy.
Shaved everything.. yes. everything.. up until the week I gave birth.
Gave myself a pedicure at 32 weeks along.
Never slapped anyone in the face, now matter how bad I wanted to, for telling me how huge I was.
Gave two haircuts the night I went into labor.
Never ate an entire apple pie in one sitting. I made it last over a 2 day period AND shared some with Kyle.
Never gave in and satisfied my craving for dirt.
Walked up and down the hospital for 2 hours after labor started without any medication.
Didn't cry when the nurse pulled out my first epidural needle and stuck me on attempt #2.
Never screamed at Kyle, even when he ate multiple meals in front of me and then offered me a bite of ice chips during labor.
Never told my mom to stop looking so stinkin happy about me feeling like I was dying. The smiles, they get irritating as your contractions worsen.
Was in labor for 24 hours and pushed for 2 1/2 of it.
Gave birth to an 8.10lb baby who was mostly head.
Never gave up on breastfeeding.
Got my son through his first bad cold at only 4 wks old. Its terrifying, trust me.
Lost 30 of my 35lbs of prego weight in 7 weeks.
Never yelled at Kyle for getting 9+ hours of sleep every night since Joey was born.
Worked my butt off to get my baby on a schedule so that he would be happy and sleep through the night.

Have cleaned up my dirty mouth and didn't even have to chew Orbit.

Have continued exercising so I can be a healthy mom.

Can look at my stretch marks as something that only makes you a prettier woman, no matter what the magazines say.
Am ok with the fact that your hips stay wider after birth. Its so you can balance a baby and a laundry basket on each side.

Survived. :)

Yeah, still feels very conceited but who would have thought.. that Dr. knows what she's talking about! Sitting back and looking at everything makes me feel so much better. Looking at my sweet little family that I don't deserve makes me feel more than better, it makes me feel blessed! <3 I love you my sweet boys!

Lifes a Beach

So our lease is up in September.. Kyles thinking of moving to Dixon, I'm thinking more tropical. Less farm land, more beach. Less grocery store, more bananas and fire grilled fish. Less housing more huts. Less people more us. Just the 3 of us and maybe two great danes, just like Swiss Family Robinson. Of course, I wouldn't want to be stranded there. It would be ideal if we could leave and come back but no one could get to us haha.. that way we could go visit our family on the weekends if we wanted or run to target every once and a while. There would be NO cell service though and no phone lines.. and internet would be kind of like transportation. We could fb and email people but they can't fb or email back. Sounds like some ideal living to me :) Then we wouldn't have to hear about who hates who, who deserves what, who is right and who is wrong. No more hate between friends and family, friends and friends, family and family. No more drama basically. I will admit, I'm a drama addict and in order to get help I gotta get away maybe? k, thats just an excuse to live in my tropical home, but still. I had a good talk with my mom about distance and how healthy it can be. How the slightest bit of distance can make some relationships last longer and stay healthier so they don't ever come to an end. It was a good talk. My mom is a wonderful example to me and an amazing friend. I'm so thankful that I can tell her ANYTHING and she gives me the counsel that I need, not always want. She's level headed and gracious. I love her.. maaaaybe she can come to our tropical home... just maaaaybe.

Most likely we will just end up in Dixon and my tropical dreams and great danes will have to wait, but that doesn't mean that my husband and I aren't setting boundaries for ourselves and our son. Some distance. Its awkward at first maybe, but so healthy in the long run. And by boundaries I don't mean no cell service lol.

My Sisters Keeper

I watched this movie last night and didn't know what I was in for. I had a feeling it would be sad but I had no idea it would hit the nail on the head. I fell asleep cuddled in my husbands strongs arms with a stuffy nose and teary eyes. I couldn't believe how similar some of the situations were and how well they grasped the reality of having a sick family member. I was amazed at the scene where the family is getting ready to take their last trip to the beach. The two 'healthy' siblings were getting things together, stopped and stared at each other with the same look Tony and I have shared before. Its that look that says a million things at once like, I know this is her last ___ or, what if she dies after she ___ ...You are too scared to be the one to say all your thoughts out loud but you know you don't have to because your family is having the same exact thoughts race through their head at the same time. Or how 'bout the scene where the family is sitting in the hospital room the day of their daughters/sisters death and the crazy friends and family are going on and on about "just having to think the cancer away" or "just focus more" and sharing crazy stories that aren't true about people in different situations that don't apply to the situation at hand. These scense pulled me into the movie because they are so real. So real that I started getting jealous of different parts of the movie.

I became jealous when the little sister sat at the table and told her parents how angry she was at them for certain things. In the real world that is impossible because you would only cause more damage to them. When your a kid you can't see the whole picture. You don't see your parents fighting to take care of both kids, healthy and sick. You only see what hurts you and frustrates you without understanding why.
I became jealous when the two sisters where laying outside on the grass together talking about boys, each other, life and death. I haven't shared moments like that with Catie since we were little girls. I miss it. I miss being able to have a normal conversation with her. I was jealous because even though this kids sister was sick and dying, they could still talk and share secrets.
I became jealous toward the end of the movie when the sister was dying and was able to tell her siblings she loved them and goodbye. Maybe its good. Maybe it would be harder to clearly be able to say good bye at the end of Caties life.
I was jealous during the funeral scene because her life was over and it was time for them to move on. At Caties funeral we will be thinking about Annies in the future.

Its stupid how into it I got.. that I was so jealous of a story that isn't true. Thats just the thing tho... its not a true life story but it portrays many true life stories that have existed and are still being lived...

One thing that movie did for me was make me thankful. I was SO thankful for my parents. I would think as a parent of sick and healthy kids that this movie has the ability to make you feel like a bad parent. I think they could have portrayed the parents a little differently. At the same time tho, think about it, it is pretty realistic. You have two kids playing outside. They both trip on each other and fall down. One has a scratch on their knee and the other doesn't. Which kid do you pick up, set on the table and put a band aid on? The kid with the scratch. Where is the kid that fell but didn't get a scratch? walking beside their parent and sibling over to the table and watching their sibling be taken care of. Now look at the same situation on a larger scale.. You have a terminal kid that needs constant care and although the healthy sib is hurt too, they are healthy so the stay along side and watch the terminal sib be taken care of. That is something you can not understand when you are young and the reason you'd wish you could sit at a table and scream all your feelings out. But that doesn't mean parents don't do the very best they can. My parents are amazing for many reasons. The care the give to each of us kids is one of them. I can't imagine how it must feel to have to take care of both but I know my parents do the best they can and that is where I felt the movie wasn't mirrored to our family situation.

The movie also made me thankful for Batten Disease. They say its one of the worst diseases a child can have but if you ask me, I'll take 2 batten sibs over a cancer sib any day. I know, I know, its completely different but still. Its easy to feel like you're alone in your fight for life with your siblings but this movie reminded me that it could always, always be worse...


Overall I think it was an amazing movie. The perfect picture of the extremes you go to as a parent to keep your child alive and the extremes you'd go to as a sib to make your sibling happy.

To Whom it may concern...

Dear Debbie-Downer,
Two years ago I had a conversation with you that I will never forget. You asked me when my new husband and I planned to have children. I answered your question and you continued the conversation by telling me I was wrong. You told me that it would be selfish of me to have children while my sister Catie is alive because she wants to have a baby so badly. It would make sense that you would feel this way for two reasons. First, you are a very negative person. I remember your smiles, majority of the time, were only on your face because you were talking about food or making fun of someone. You were never happy and were excellent at finding the bad in everything. Even when it didn't exist, you made it. So it would make sense that in an exciting situation, like a new life, you'd have to go and be negative at the thought. Second, you don't know Catie. She became an inconvenience and then non existent in your life so it would make sense for you to assume she'd be upset if I were to ever become pregnant, because you don't know her. You don't know what makes her happy.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but there is thing called Survivors Guilt. Google it. I struggle with it and although I knew how ridiculous your comments were, I still couldn't get them out of my head.
Exactly 1 year later I ran into you again, this time 2 months pregnant. Rather than congratulate me on my pregnancy, you doubtfully questioned Caties happiness in the situation. I want you to know that when I found out I was pregnant, your comment was one of my first thoughts. That makes me so angry because like I said, it was ridiculous and yet, I still allowed myself to think about it and wonder if it could be true. I'm happy to inform you that I did tell Catie I was pregnant and she was so excited to become an Aunt. One year later she is still happy to be an aunt. Matter of fact, the only thing about my baby that does upset her is having to wait her turn to hold him every day.
I used to hope I'd run into you. I couldn't wait to point my finger square in your face and accuse you of being all of the things that make you who you are. Thankfully, I never did run into you and that gave me time. Time to think about it a lot and realize how hurtful that would have been to you. After all, "an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." Who am I to think that lecturing you would change you? It won't. I just want you to know that you are capable of hurting feelings and maybe you could be more careful with the next sib you talk to. I want you to know that I am no longer mad at you, but rather sad. I feel sorry for you when I think about the situation. I can't understand being able to think the way you do and I only hope and pray that one day you will know a true happiness and peace that passes all understanding. Then you can have smiles that mean something wonderful.
I've attached some pictures that I took of Auntie Catie and baby Joey cuddled together. I hope you'll take some time to look at them and hopefully realize how precious of a gift it is for me to see my baby sister hold my baby boy and enjoy it. I feel like I should thank you because if you hadn't made such a big deal about my life and the people in it, I probably would not appreciate the moment as much as I do.

Take care,
Kelly

p.s. My baby is cuter than your 3 babies and your grand baby combined..

what?? You really think I'd leave out the spunk in one of my blogs? psh...

Barbie Legs

I unwrapped the plastic packaging and then unrolled my new pink yoga mat given to me by Santa this Christmas.. I love yoga.. its so relaxing and it feels so refreshing and Santa knows that.. Even better than the feel of a good yoga sesh is the smell of the mat. That brand new rubber smell. If you could get high off of sniffing yoga mats I would have been stoned outa my mind the other day.. I got behind in my follow-along-work out dvd because as soon as I got ready for my push ups I could smell the rubber. Just stop and imagine it for a minute. Alone in the living room, you can hear the way too in shape work out instructor getting even more ripped and there I am, face down on my gut caressing my mat in my hands. My eyes are closed and I'm sniffing in as long and as hard as I possible can, over and over. So if you ever wonder why my arms are flappier than an elephants ears its because I'd rather sniff rubber than do my push ups. oh, and I love food.
anyway..
This smell of rubber not only smells amazing but triggers amazing memories.. or so I thought. I guess they are amazing now but at the very moment these memories were made it was nothing more than a feeling of excruciating pain.
The smell of my new yoga mat smells JUST like the smell of a brand new Barbie. You know, when you pull back the pink tabs on the box and slide out the cardboard insert that Barbie, her brush and shoes were attached to? I couldn't wait to run my fingers through her silky fake hair but of course it was always tied down so there was that quick rush to free her from her packaging. Its like you couldn't do it fast enough and back in my day(yes I'm now old enough to say that) Barbie was just strapped in with some thin thread.. not all that plastic crap that'll break your scissors trying to cut her out of. I'd snap the threads and my new barbie would be free! Free to be sniffed! haha man I'm weird. Its the truth though.. they had that fresh brand new Barbie smell that smells like Christmas morning or your birthday.
If you knew me as a kid you'd understand why I got so excited over little things like taking Barbie out of her box. I LIVED Barbie. I had Barbie travel cases to keep just enough barbies and clothes to last an over night trip to Nonnies.. I had Barbie motor homes.. Barbie swimming pools.. Barbie Jeeps, kitchens, houses.. you name it! and then, there was the tub. My pride and joy. My life. My everything. It was a big blue plastic tub with a lid and inside lived 52 Barbies. Yes, I remember the exact number.. you'll understand why in a minute. I loved each one of my Barbies like nothing else, but you know who didn't love them like I did? Catie. Catie loved dogs. Playing dogs that is... She was aaaalways on her knees licking the top of her hands like paws, growling at whoever she was mad at for the moment and always explaining what kind of dog she was, her name and her coloring. She even ate a piece of dog food once from the back yard.. this kid didn't mess around. Since she didn't mess around and had to be as much like a dog as possible, it would make sense that she would have to have a bone. What dog doesn't have a bone? Even better question.. what dog doesn't have a pile of bones! Its every dogs dream to have them piled high just like in the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven.. So Catie found herself a pile of bones.. She found them attached to the bodies of my 52 Barbies in my tub. Thats right.. she pulled off the legs of almost all of my barbies leaving legless torsos behind for me to find in my tub. Not even the silkiest blonde barbie hair could make them look beautiful again. They looked like they had been in a war with GI joes and little green army men. They had lost. I can remember like it was yesterday, walking over to my tub, pulling the lid back and my stomach turning. Being the cry baby that I am, I instantly starting bawling my eyes out. I can still see all the halves just piled in the tub with skirts and pants mixed in around them. I had about 10-15 survivors but the rest never made it. Now thinking back, I'm surprised Catie ever made it.... I was furious and now that I stop and think about it, at 22 years of age I'm still very bitter. You can't recover from a loss like that! All the years of collecting, dressing, hair brushing, accessorizing... ruined by a greedy dog that needed a pile of bones. I take it back.. this isn't an amazing memory..

So thats about as relaxing as my yoga sessions get.. I get high off my yoga mat and then think about old memories and my blood pressure rises until I'm steaming out the ears again.. I think its really doin something for me.. really working out those angry muscles in my face.. mm yeah.. that feels goooood.

RIP my Barbies.. I know you're in a better place where the streets are pink, you have your own pink castle and there isn't a dog in sight.

Chooch

Funny that Joey has an Auntie that is 11 years old.

Even more funny that I have to label Joeys pacifiers so that they don't get mixed up with his 11 year old Aunties pacifiers.

I love this life.

<3

Mommyhood

Amazing how one person can change your life.. I have been amazed by that ever since I met my sweet husband but now I am more amazed than ever.

He was the size of a poppy seed when I first saw his picture on an ultrasound machine in a small doctors office last April and he was an 8 lb 10 oz wrinkled and gray little human when I met him in person for the first time. My life will never be the same. It changed when I found out I was pregnant because of course you become more worried about the little person growing inside of you than you worry about yourself. Everything you eat, drink and breathe affects that baby. You can't even lay or sit certain ways.. But when he was born my life changed in a more ways than just physical and I believe, for the better.
I now look at him and I see a future that I'm responsible for. I look at his outside appearance and check to make sure he is healthy every day. That he is clean, fed and comfortable. Then I look at his eyes and I think about his heart and soul. I think about the people in his life that love him and the people in his life that he will love. I think about his eternal life and pray that he has a faith and a love for God that is his own. I look at him sometimes and I cry because I love him so much and I think about being in my parents position. What would I do if I sat down in a doctors office and was given a time line for my little boy? I also get excited and think about watching him grow and learn. I have always heard people say they would do anything for their child. That they want the very best for their child. That even though its impossible, they want to protect their baby from everything that can harm them in a physical, emotional and spiritual way. I now understand exactly how they feel when they say those things because thats how I feel. I feel blessed to have Joey in my life and I feel undeserving. There are so many people in this world that want to be parents and that would make fabulous ones, why should I get to be a mommy? I also think of all the kids in this world that don't have moms or dads or do and are mistreated by them. That makes me want to be the best parent possible. I look at Joey and for the first time I enjoy working out and exercising. I also don't mind counting calories and skipping out on mochas and ice cream. I want to take good care of my body so that I can take good care of his. I look at my Bible sitting on the ottoman and cringe cause I'm lazy but then I look at Joey and I can't get that Bible open fast enough because I want to be able to teach him unconditional love, wisdom, faith and morals that are deeper than "don't tell a lie cause its bad cause it is." I suddenly don't want to spend money on silly things for myself because I want to have as much saved for him as possible for any situation that arises or for any of the latest toys that he desperately needs. =)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, wait.. you may want to sit down for this, I care more about him than I do myself! SHOCKING!!! Kelly Anne? put someone before herself? Impossible!!! But so true.. Don't get me wrong, I still care enough to shower, do my hair and makeup and wear more than sweats all the time cause I'm still a wife too and we wifeys gotta be lookin good for our men! But when it comes to every aspect of life, Joeys needs are top priority. I love it. I love having him in my life. I love being needed and I think I love it so much because Catie has always needed me but only will for a short while longer and when she's gone I'll still have my Joey who will always need me in more ways than Catie ever could. I love that this little chunk that cries and poops has made me want to be a healthier, happier and more spiritual person.

Like I said, I'm more amazed than ever before. He will never know the impact he's had on my life in 2 months until he becomes a parent himself.

I love you my little monster! Thank you for making Mommy a better person!

BFFs

Strange how quickly time passes and there is so much craziness as it passes that its easy to forget how much you've experienced in your life. As I fed my sweet baby his bottle the other morning I was amazed at his gorgeous blue eyes, just like his daddy's. I was suddenly reminded of the first time I saw Kyles blue eyes and was thrown into the biggest crush ever...

He was one of Tony's closest friends.. I met him for the first time on Tony's birthday dinner at the house.. I remember Tony and his friends watched a movie after dinner and I joined them.. It was Tony, Rob Hampton, Aaron Seminoff and Kyle.. I hardly even noticed Kyle since I was so into Tony's other friend haha I thought he was super cute.. then again, at 15 what tall blonde isn't cute? Not long after that Tony played a show with his old band and Kyle was there again but I was still crushin on the other one.. I got ditched by Tony and my crush and not knowing anybody there and the venue being closed I ended up in Kyles car with him and my now brother and sister in law. I clearly remember thinking "these people are crazy!!" Kayla and Michael just fought over stupid stuff the whole time while kyle yelled at them to shut up.. Nothing has changed 7 years later. A few months later it happened. I saw him in a whole new way and I don't know what it was that changed. I was sitting inside a gym with Tony waiting for a class to start and Tony said, "sweet Kyles here." I looked over and there he was, walking up to the door in a gray hat with his long curly hair resting on his shoulders.. He had a band shirt on and blue dickie shorts with skate shoes and ugly white ankle socks. He had a funny walk but You would have thought there was a bright light shining behind him. He walked in the door and started talking to Tony. I couldn't stop looking at his bright blue eyes and his rosie cheeks as he smiled.. I had such a crush and didn't know why! He was nothing like anyone I had ever liked.. I was way into the clean cut american eagle boys with nice hair and tan skin.. this guy was so grunge!!! It wasn't long before Tony found out I loved his friends smile so he'd take me to Baskin Robbins to visit him at work and Tony would say, "wanna see his smile?" in a teasing way to embarrass me and he'd crack a joke to make Kyle laugh.. I remember thinking, this guy has no style but man! I can't stop starring at him!! Pretty soon Tonys ex hired me on at Baskin Robbins.. Kyle trained me on my first day and soon I became his boss. He had a girlfriend and I completely respected her as that.. even if she was half man and a total meanie head. I think everyone at the store knew how much I was into him except for him.. We got along so well though. We worked great as a team and always had a blast.. Then it happened.. the day I waited for for a year and a half.. she dumped him!! And boy was I there to run in a grab what was mine.. We had our first date on Valentines day of 2005. Most awkward date ever.. He was late to pick me up, then had to come inside to meet my dad since my dad couldn't remember which friend of Tony's it was that was picking me up. He brought me a red rose.. I'm shocked that the fumes of all his cologne didn't kill it on the way over.. He was wearing a black beanie with his long curly hair still resting on his shoulders.. he had earings and chuck taylors on. My dad was pretty surprised that I was so excited to go on a date with a grungebutt. He sat nervously on the couch while Kerri and Amy glared at him. Finally we were off to dinner.. Fresh Choice with Tony and his ex. We sat and ate while we watched them fight.. after that entertainment we were off to a nursing home to visit Nonnie. Awkward. Then I gave him his valentine and some chocolate in the car and he tried to kiss me.. REJECTED! So we went and got some ice cream at work.. We ran into tony and his ex there and they were still fighting.. Then it was back home by 10 and I was nice enough to hug him. I remember getting on AIM as soon as we got home and him telling me he was so glad he at least got a hug from me, he was going crazy! Even after the weirdest first date, we knew within days that we would become girlfriend and boyfriend. We just got along way too well.. it was easy! We were ourselves with each other from the start.

Thinking back it feels like we were on that date yesterday. Strange to think that 4 years and lots of ice cream later we are married with a son. I feel blessed every day when I thank God for my boys. I love that I had such a huge crush on him for so long and now I get to wash his dirty clothes. How crazy is that? Its so true though. I love him and I know we were made for each other.. He is my best friend forever and I am his.. I couldn't imagine my life any other way..

I love you baby!!!

Huuurl!

Craziest Roller Coaster Ride of my life yet. So crazy that I literally had that feeling where youre gonna puke and its stuck in your throat and you fight to keep it there so it doesnt make its way out.. gross, I know, but at least I'm not talking about c-diff.. my newest obtained medical info. Now thats some nasty crap.. literally.

This last week my family came closer than ever before to losing Catie-Nana. You could imagine the relief that was felt as she sat in her cozy green chair last night with her new blanket that she had explained was from her friend Sandy. The best feeling was when she asked for pizza for dinner.. like nothing had ever happened.

At one point in the hospital my dad put his arm around me and asked if I was ready for this..anybody that knows me could answer that one.. he went on to explain that he could be ready in two years..knowing that he will never be ready I realized how desperate we all were for more time. Someone had made the comment that we should be ready since we have known this was coming for years... how ignorant. Thats one thing that is always brought to my attention in these situations.. sucky people. I'm not even going to sugar coat it cause I dont sugar coat anything but cookies and cupcakes. To be honest though, I have never been more disapointed and more encouraged at the same time in my life by people. We all know how I always see the negative first and then have to make myself chill out and look for all the positive... thats why at the end of day one in the hospital I had even thought to make a visitor tally.Thats also why in all my blogs I start off in biotch mode and end with happy thankful mode. So here we go..
Can I just ask a question?
Where the hell was our family through all of this? At the closest possible time of Caties death where were her cousins, aunts and uncles? She had 3 family members visit her and that number would have been 8 had it not been for a surgery, a temp of 103 and possible pneumonia. But why wasnt the number of family members coming to give Catie their love and my parents some support over 30+? If I could just be given a reason maybe I wouldnt be so frustrated.. is our family tired of hearing about it? is she old news? I dont get it.. if she hadn't come home what would they have told me at her service that I could believe to be genuine? I can't believe that no one knew how serious it was since all of our friends new without even being given details..

now for the happy stuff..
All of the lack of interest/concern from family toward the situation was a good thing because it showed me who our real family is. Our friends. Not my friends that I've grown up with over the years.. graduated kindergarten, junior high and highschool with (and please don't tell me you didn't know about it cause we all live our lives on fb) I'm talking about everyone else.. The 50+ people that came to visit Catie and bring food and cards to my parents.. the friends that just came and sat next to Catie.. the friends that brought dinners to my siblings and made themselves available for worst case scenarios.. the friends that came and prayed over my parents and Catie multiple times. The friends that blew my phone up with text messages even when they themselves were sick and in and out of the doctors..

I know it shouldn't matter because I know everyone cares about Catie, our family included and the love, encouragement and support from so many friends should be enough. I really don't think some people realize how much support helps get through a situation like this. How much it means when people take the time out of their life to stop and pay a visit. Stop and make a phone call. I mean, if you can call when you're half way across the U.S. in a blizzard and a freezing cold mini van, I'd like to think you sure as hell could call from solano county, the bay area or sacramento.

I always read my moms emails that she sends out.. (yeah, the whole thing tony haha) and I'm amazed. I don't know how my parents stay so positive. Just another reason I look up to them so much. But just because 99.9% of the time they are positive doesn't mean that they aren't hurt for the same reasons I am. Its just life I guess... Its just me throwing myself a pity party like usual and not knowing how to grieve without getting mad at everyone thats not there for me or my family instead of getting mad at batten disease. I'm the only one that can get rid of the bitter half of my blogs and the bitter half of my thoughts and feelings..

I love how I have to type a novel to realize this stuff.

Anyway.. these things really do make me feel like I'll puke everywhere.. but then things calm down and I find myself sitting in the same room as Catie at home and I'm fine again.. I have more time to spend with her and try and figure out how to handle everything the next time around... oi.. Lets hope its not for a long time...

Now that all that steam has been let off..

Caties Vistor Tally

Because I pay attention...


Friends 27
Family 1

Ciao 2009

A list of some of my favorite memories made in 2009

January
Tony, Kyle and I celebrated the life of Frank J Pompi one night after he passed away. It was a sad night but one I'll always remember and love.

February
I celebrated New Years Eve with Catie and Annie. They had no idea they were listening to a youtube replay at 630 in the evening.
I also wrote 3 songs that I recorded with my husband in the studio. I felt so tight for writing songs, singing and playing them.
I made a baby and didn't even know it. :D

March
I was reminded of the importance of my dads career and the danger he puts himself in every day. I started loving my dad even more than I ever had or even thought possible. He's always been my hero, that month just gave me an even stronger respect. RIP Oakland officers.

April
I found out I was PREGNANT!!!
My husband and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary. Love you baby!
I saw Lily Allen ( my cruuuush!! ) in concert

May
I saw my baby in an ultrasound for the first time in my life.

July
I found out I was having a boy!
My husband graduated from college with a BAS in Audio Engineering

August
8th Annual Tahoe vacation with the fam
I made home made pasta sauce for the first time

September
I had a 3D ultrasound and saw my sons face for the first time
I started volunteering at the AWANAs program at my dads church
I had a photo shoot with Joey in my belly
I got a new car!

October
I was given a baby shower
I saw TTNY in SF
I celebrated Catie's 20th birthday with her
I purchased my brothers record, Road Maps and Heart Attacks
I went to DisneyLand with my family for a day <3

November
I was given another baby shower
I gave birth to my baby boy, Joseph Alan!!

December
I woke up on Christmas morning with my Husband on the right of me and my son on the left. xoxo



Talk about a good year!
Peace out 2009!