I'm a Target Lover. I could visit target every day just to stare at the bright red trim around the ceiling. I check their Daily Deals on my Target App every morning and look forward to Sunday mornings so that I can browse their weekly add. I am an addict. I compulsively give target my money without even giving it a second thought. I take my husbands on dates to Target so I can walk hand in hand with him in my favorite place. I.LOVE.IT! This week was especially wonderful for our relationship. I walked through that store with a giddy grin on my face. One that was much to big to describe. One that could have easily bursted into excited giggles and tears all at one time. Why, you ask?
Not just any sweats..
"Sweats for the whole family!"
There it was in their weekly add, the mixed racial family of 5 in their $5 sweat pans and sweat shirts smiling cheese-ily while posing for the picture. Perfect timing for the sale, as Monday morning brought a chilly drizzle in with the daily grind.
So there I was, walking through target. First Joeys sweats. Size 18 months already! Then Daddys.. size L cuz mommy thinks its hot when daddy wears his baggy sweats like a true gangsta. And Mommys sweats, size M cuz I CAN! cuz I don't need L this winter like I did last. There they were in my arms.. my sweats for MY WHOLE FAMILY.. cause I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!!!
I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Weird. Boring. Simple. Sure doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.. sheesh. did I really say I was so happy I could have cried? Over SWEATS??!! Say whuuu??? Well I did. Turns out, the "little things" in my life are usually attached to "big things" which take them from "no big deal things" and turns them into "almost cry out of joy in target things."
Caties birthday was Wednesday. She turned 21! What a gift to share that day with her. What an anxious, bittersweet feeling as we waited for it. Its this frustrating thing where you are so happy to be celebrating another year of her life and at the same time afraid its her last. bla bla bla, I've blogged about it a million times. This year however, was different. It was in no way easier to celebrate or less sad than its ever been. But this year was different for me in this way. I have ALWAYS and sometimes still do, feel like when Catie dies I will too. Sounds stupid but its an honest fear, worry, feeling. Whatever you want to call it. Life will not go on without her. My parents will lose their mind and lose interest in the rest of us kids because they will be so caught up in missing her. My siblings will all go different ways because we won't know how to handle it or be together without her. I will not know what to do with myself because I spend every waking moment thinking about her and if she needs me or my help. BUT!! this year, I had sweats for my whole family in my arms. My sons sweats are only a size 18 months. He is just a baby and has his whole life ahead of him. My husbands sweats are only a size L because I have only been married to him for 2 years and have the rest of our lives together to fatten him up. My sweats were only a size M because I haven't blown up into a house with baby #2 or maybe even 3 yet. I have a family. My life is just beginning. I could celebrate Caties birthday this year and know that even if it is her last, I can celebrate what would be her next with MY family. With or without her. Does that mean it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to imagine a day where she's not in her bed downstairs? certainly not. I can't even type about it without crying. I truly feel like we are connected in some weird way. Like they say twins are, ya know?? But anyway, It just means that I will have my best friend, my husband and our sweet baby boy to keep living my life with. Life will go on.
And we have sweats to keep living it in!! :)