Saturday, January 8, 2011

Did I Just Say That?

I'm not one for holding in my opinions. My thoughts, my feelings. I am very honest and don't see the point in beating around the bush as some would say. A lot of people have acknowledged that they like that about me. They wish they had more of that. Some people have even taken advantage of that because they are too scared to speak for themselves so they manipulated me into speaking up for them. I'll be honest. It feels good to be honest. If feels good to just speak the truth. What feels even better is when you speak the truth OUT LOUD and you don't even realize it. Okay maybe it wouldn't feel good if I said something like, "sheesh, Ray Charles could have picked out a better looking sweater." ..But when I say something that I have had buried for years and has slowly eaten away at me it feels good.

So there I was. Sitting on the floor surrounded by a plastic play yard with my 1 year old climbing all over me and pulling on my face. I was crying like I was a hormonal freak that had just given birth and I said it. "She stopped talking to me because all I had to talk about was Catie. Its not my fault that that is all I had to talk about!"

Long story short, I came across someone that was, for the first half of my life, my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING with each other. But then when she started to worry about highschool I started to worry about my sister who I was just told was going to die. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea all these years later. I understand that my 14 year old best friend wasn't going to be able to fix the problem or change the situation. I did expect them to stick by my side tho. Thats what best friends do. So I thought.. Its not even really about that one friend as much as it was, is, about me. I clearly remember wishing that I had something to talk about. Something "normal" to talk about with "normal" people my age. I didn't tho. People would ask me what I had been up to and my mind would completely go blank. "hurry kel, think of something, ANYTHING other than Catie this and Catie that." but truth is, that was my life. I couldn't see that as something thats ok until now. I didn't realize that its okay to embrace the fact that you spend every day doing things your sibling wants to do. Sure it wasn't fun but it made me who I am. Its who I was then.
I've seen the same thing with Amy and Annie. Recently someone asked Amy what she had been busy with. She replied with school and helping with Annie. The person continued to ask, "but what else? like, what do you do?" I wanted to scream and say LOOK! you don't understand but caring for these kids is ALL DAY NON STOP. If you don't answer a question they scream. If you're not home they scream. You are the only one that knows what doll or movie they are asking for. It consumes you.
bla bla bla. the point is, I didn't ask to be sat down and told my sister was gonna die. I didn't choose the life I was given and I sure as heck do not appreciate being dissed, ignored or treated as less because being a 14 year old caregiver isn't "cool."

I've held on to this hurt for years and now that we are both adults I can see where God has had complete control of my life and has known what is best for me. well, duh. It hurt so much when I was younger and it still hurts now. The difference is, I couldn't see how things would work out when i was 14 like I can now.

It felt good to blurt that out today. Whether I meant to or not, I needed to. Its not healthy to hold stuff in... obviously.

I have to say I am SO thankful for the friends I have today. They listen to me talk about Catie or anything else I talk about and love me no matter what.


J.Gaertner said...

It is really great to read your thoughts, Kelly. I must admit, I myself had very little understanding of what was going through your mind when we were in high school. I remember feeling intimidated back then only because I thought you were so mature and grown up ;p ...but I know that so much has not been normal for you and I wish that I had been mature enough to be there for you when you needed someone. I am so sorry, Kelly, for what I did not do.

Still, I have always admired you.(& I'm looking forward to seeing you!!!!)


What's my name again? said...

I call you my wet Gremlin, but I say it with & my big mouth get in trouble ALL the time and I don't plan on changing anything anytime soon. Sometimes it takes more guts to speak up than shut up. Don't stop being you.