they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. two nights ago, ready or not, I admitted it out loud to my husband without wanting to and you would have thought a bright light came shining through the window and I had felt relief already. Now for the fun part, fixing it.
Monday morning Elizabeth Johnson past away at 22 years old from juvenile batten disease. She was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite batten kids. She was fiesty but in a sweet and funny way. Stubborn but friendly. She would make you laugh so hard at the things she said. I'll never forget one of the first conferences that I met her sister Rachel who explained that any time Liz was mad she'd call you pizza face.
One other thing about Liz was her similarity to Catie. No lie. If you saw them sitting next to each other you could only assume they were twins. Same hair texture/cut. Same face, same body, same mannerisms and same interests. It was really kind of freaky, but cool at the same time.
Liz will be missed very much by more than just her family. Like all the other Batten angels, she was fabulous.
Dad called to give me the news Monday night and I tried to brush it off. Tony and Kayla were coming over, no point in sulking when you can be thankful and happy to have what you do. Duh. Buuut that doesnt mean pretending like nothing happened, which I did. Until later that night when there were no more distractions to hide behind and reality smacked me in the face. Catie will be 20 this october! thats great, and I've been so excited about it until monday when I was reminded that 20 is old. There is an ending to her life that alot of times I'm used to the thought of so I don't dwell on it. Ever. I just focus on how happy she is today. Not a horrible thing to do, but like anything you have to have balance and I've had none for the past couple years. I've pushed the death stuff waaaaay back and just kept the comfy stuff forward and when you do that any time a tiny bit of death stuff creeps back in you go insane, like I did monday night. Crying like I haven't cried since I was 16 and consumed by the thought of caties death. litterally. My husband did his best to reassure me that its ok and then it happened.. unintentionally I blurted out, " I will not be able to live without catie. I have always looked out for her my whole life and without her it will be like my life is gone too."
whoops.
I never said that out loud, I've just thought it. the true fear that if Catie dies I will too. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. The thought that taking care of my husband and son and annie or the rest of my family will not be the same.
So now for the fun part. Getting help. Finding someone to talk to about it that can help me work it all out so that I can at some point get help for my fear so when the day comes that Catie becomes an angel with Liz, I will be able to accept it. Cause as of today,no matter how much I pretend, theres no accepting any of it. The death stuff at least.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Week 25
today is the beginning of my 3rd trimester!
I'm soooo anxious to meet this little guy!
Almost time...
I'm soooo anxious to meet this little guy!
Almost time...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Bring It.
or don't? I'm not sure if I'm up for the challenge.
I'm sitting with my swollen feet up as high as they'll go hoping they will deflate asap. swollen feet, typical in this heat during a pregnancy but a little more frustrating tonight for this reason.
We were sitting in the car with a joke of an a/c when annie suddenly shouts, "i'm gonna barf kel!"
I turned around to see her little face bright red and dripping in sweat like someone had flipped a switch on in her little body. I quickly tried to bend over the seat to find something for her to puke in but keep in mind my giganto belly was jammed between the two front seats and the center console blocking me from getting to her.
bla bla bla you could imagine what the next 20 minutes was like as I started swelling up like a balloon and became short of breathe just from trying to move in the heat. good news is she never did throw up! it all came out the other end. in the car. with no a/c.
we survived cause thats what we do, but on the drive home I started thinking about my poor parents. I was the child that wasn't allowed in the car without an empty gallon size ice cream tub between my legs. I was a puker. ok, maybe I still am. shh. its a secret. My poor parents had to jump to the back to save me in almost every car ride of my childhood years.
then it hit me like a smack in the face.
In 31/2 months I will be giving birth to a reproduction of myself.
Lord, have mercy on my soul.
I'm sitting with my swollen feet up as high as they'll go hoping they will deflate asap. swollen feet, typical in this heat during a pregnancy but a little more frustrating tonight for this reason.
We were sitting in the car with a joke of an a/c when annie suddenly shouts, "i'm gonna barf kel!"
I turned around to see her little face bright red and dripping in sweat like someone had flipped a switch on in her little body. I quickly tried to bend over the seat to find something for her to puke in but keep in mind my giganto belly was jammed between the two front seats and the center console blocking me from getting to her.
bla bla bla you could imagine what the next 20 minutes was like as I started swelling up like a balloon and became short of breathe just from trying to move in the heat. good news is she never did throw up! it all came out the other end. in the car. with no a/c.
we survived cause thats what we do, but on the drive home I started thinking about my poor parents. I was the child that wasn't allowed in the car without an empty gallon size ice cream tub between my legs. I was a puker. ok, maybe I still am. shh. its a secret. My poor parents had to jump to the back to save me in almost every car ride of my childhood years.
then it hit me like a smack in the face.
In 31/2 months I will be giving birth to a reproduction of myself.
Lord, have mercy on my soul.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Reality TV at its best!
Latest binge: old family videos.
Lately when I'm over at the house with the girls I've found myself stuck in front of the tv watching old videos.. only when the girls are sleeping of course :)
Its weird, I always find myself crying during them and then laughing. I really hate them as much as I love them and I can't turn away. I found one the other day that was recorded 20 years to the exact date.. just by chance. Kind of freaked me out but I got over it and into the vid.. Mine and Tonys first trip to Disneyland, July 27th 1989. Mom was pregnant with Catie and we were in our glory while dad was behind the massive camera. I couldn't help but wonder while watching it what life would have been like if it were just Tony and me but I never dwell on that since its impossible to know. I did get stuck on the fact that mom was prego with Catie. So weird. Watching the video mom and dad just seemed like they had it all together, the perfect life.. 2 kids, a third on the way, first trip to disneyland.. house, great job. Ideal. They had no idea what was coming the poor things.
Overall the video was awesome and once again I found myself in the garage digging through vhs's today.
I found one of my Nonni Ellas (great grandma) 85th Birthday. I was stoked! She is #1 on my most respected people list. This lady could do no wrong in my world, I don't care what anybody says. She loved everyone and never said a mean thing about anyone. Even if she thought it she kept it inside. She loved God with her whole heart and her family was in close second. I could go on for days. annnnnnyway...
I was so glued to the tv just soaking it in and I realized 7 people in the video are now gone. 7! in 12 years. Some families never even lose extended family members.. Sometimes it sure seems like my family is cursed. There was Nonni Ella, Nonni Ann, Aunt Sandy, Uncle Harold, cousin Alan, Uncle Frank and Grandpa Al. I just wanted to jump into the 15 minutes of shaky screen and hug everyone! Then there was Catie talking clearly. I forgot what her voice sounded like, I've been so used to her deep raspy mumble that she's been living with for the last couple years that I just wanted the camera to keep in one place while she talked and laughed. I started getting sad missing them all but couldn't get upset cause there was too much to laugh at. Like, Moms glasses, Auntie kerris hair-do, the fact that I really did look like chunk from the goonies, Uncle franks crappy dentures, Kerri flirting with our cousin, everybody rolling their eyes at nonni nini and everybodies clothes. The video rules and I can't wait to show joey his family members when he's older.
One thing that really blew me away was the end of the video before it cut out, Nonni ella was opening her birthday presents. The last present it showed her open was from Uncle Frank. It was a snow globe with a figurine of Jesus in it and it has the Lords Prayer engraved on the front. Its the same snow globe that sits up in Amys room right now and that Annie wraps up on EVERY birthday and EVERY holiday for the person recieving gifts. Can't wait til my birthday in April when I can open it up again.
When that part of the video scratched out a new part popped on. It was video of my dads family at great America. Nana, Poppie, Aunt Cathy, Juliane, Uncle Vin, Mimi-may she rip, Uncle Jim, Aunt Marianne and Uncle michael were all there. They were all getting on and off the rides, poppie included. Imagine that, Poppie riding roller coasters?? Love it!! I'm so relieved that my dads side of the family has been so fortunate to all be so healthy and grow together. Its refreshing.
so yeah, basically I'm hooked on the best of reality tv!
Lately when I'm over at the house with the girls I've found myself stuck in front of the tv watching old videos.. only when the girls are sleeping of course :)
Its weird, I always find myself crying during them and then laughing. I really hate them as much as I love them and I can't turn away. I found one the other day that was recorded 20 years to the exact date.. just by chance. Kind of freaked me out but I got over it and into the vid.. Mine and Tonys first trip to Disneyland, July 27th 1989. Mom was pregnant with Catie and we were in our glory while dad was behind the massive camera. I couldn't help but wonder while watching it what life would have been like if it were just Tony and me but I never dwell on that since its impossible to know. I did get stuck on the fact that mom was prego with Catie. So weird. Watching the video mom and dad just seemed like they had it all together, the perfect life.. 2 kids, a third on the way, first trip to disneyland.. house, great job. Ideal. They had no idea what was coming the poor things.
Overall the video was awesome and once again I found myself in the garage digging through vhs's today.
I found one of my Nonni Ellas (great grandma) 85th Birthday. I was stoked! She is #1 on my most respected people list. This lady could do no wrong in my world, I don't care what anybody says. She loved everyone and never said a mean thing about anyone. Even if she thought it she kept it inside. She loved God with her whole heart and her family was in close second. I could go on for days. annnnnnyway...
I was so glued to the tv just soaking it in and I realized 7 people in the video are now gone. 7! in 12 years. Some families never even lose extended family members.. Sometimes it sure seems like my family is cursed. There was Nonni Ella, Nonni Ann, Aunt Sandy, Uncle Harold, cousin Alan, Uncle Frank and Grandpa Al. I just wanted to jump into the 15 minutes of shaky screen and hug everyone! Then there was Catie talking clearly. I forgot what her voice sounded like, I've been so used to her deep raspy mumble that she's been living with for the last couple years that I just wanted the camera to keep in one place while she talked and laughed. I started getting sad missing them all but couldn't get upset cause there was too much to laugh at. Like, Moms glasses, Auntie kerris hair-do, the fact that I really did look like chunk from the goonies, Uncle franks crappy dentures, Kerri flirting with our cousin, everybody rolling their eyes at nonni nini and everybodies clothes. The video rules and I can't wait to show joey his family members when he's older.
One thing that really blew me away was the end of the video before it cut out, Nonni ella was opening her birthday presents. The last present it showed her open was from Uncle Frank. It was a snow globe with a figurine of Jesus in it and it has the Lords Prayer engraved on the front. Its the same snow globe that sits up in Amys room right now and that Annie wraps up on EVERY birthday and EVERY holiday for the person recieving gifts. Can't wait til my birthday in April when I can open it up again.
When that part of the video scratched out a new part popped on. It was video of my dads family at great America. Nana, Poppie, Aunt Cathy, Juliane, Uncle Vin, Mimi-may she rip, Uncle Jim, Aunt Marianne and Uncle michael were all there. They were all getting on and off the rides, poppie included. Imagine that, Poppie riding roller coasters?? Love it!! I'm so relieved that my dads side of the family has been so fortunate to all be so healthy and grow together. Its refreshing.
so yeah, basically I'm hooked on the best of reality tv!
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