Sweet 16

When did time fly by so quickly? I know things are busy and always changing but why is it that people continue to age through it all?

Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?

When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?

When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?

I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.

I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..

O Holy Night

She'd stand tall and brave but I could always see that she was nervous. She'd grip the handle of her cane like a child grips their friends arm while giving an indian burn. You know when you twist your hands in the opposite direction of each other? I'd start to play the intro to the song, more nervous that she wouldn't know when to come in and start singing than I was of messing up on the piano. You never knew when she'd start at the right time and get the words right or when she'd blank out and now we know why. She'd start to sing, "O Holy Night" and suddenly it was like you couldn't hear anything else. It's like the song says, "o holy night the stars are brightly shining." That is what her voice sounded like. It was bright. You know when you drive up to tahoe and you take your first breath of fresh tahoe air when you step out of the car? Or the first step out into the cold night air during winter? Its clear and sharp. Its fresh and appealing. It often times will take your breath away for a split second. That is what her voice was like. Or in the song when it says, "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices!" I can't imagine the sound that people must have heard when Christ was born. The sound of the heavens rejoicing over his birth. But I do imagine it was somewhat like her voice. Loud and powerful but soft and gentle all at the same time. Its like almost couldn't expect it looking at her because she was just small and nervous. But when she hit the high note of the song it would move you to tears. To hear such a sound come out of a child. I try to describe it to my husband. I try to convince him that I don't just remember it to be a pretty sound because she's my sister or because I miss her voice. It really was remarkable.

I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.

I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.

"Take Care"

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there

It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there



All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another

All Worth It

We were standing in the store like little kids begging each other for Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear party hats. Kyle and I must have looked like a couple of kids up to no good with no where else to go at 10:30 on a Monday night other than WalMart. Truth is we felt like little kids.. filled with so much excitement for an upcoming birthday party. We finally decided on decorations and then headed straight for the toy isle.. "OMG Kyle, he NEEDS this!!" I'd shout, looking at the fisher price play kitchen. "No babe, he needs THIS!" Kyle pointed to the giant lego box with the set of Andy's Room and all the Toy Story Toys.

We were picking out gifts and decorations for our sons first birthday!! You probably can't see it in the way I type but I am smiling SO very big right now.

What a gift!! To be given a baby. To carry that baby to term, deliver that baby with no serious complications and watch that little baby grow into a toddler over the last year. Not everybody is given that gift and I don't take it for granted. I find myself teary eyed every night as I pray over my little boy and tuck him into bed. This little boy is my life, my everything. He was the size of a poppy seed when God used him to enlighten my eyes and help me see Him for who He truly is. My Savior. A POPPY SEED!!!!

When I stop and think about the last year and all that Kyle and I have experienced as new parents, good and bad, I feel so completely exhausted. I'm not going to lie. I feel so enormously happy and thankful and content and then those sharp pains remind me that my body never fully healed properly from my 24 hours of labor and I feel tired, worn out and "mom-like" along with happy, thankful and content. Thats alot of things to be feeling at once.. I think. Either way, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Standing in a WalMart picking out the right shade of green balloons for my SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY with my HUSBAND makes every empty bank account, stretch mark, new tooth, tear, poopy diaper, frazzled moment, future surgery, long night, interrupted hokey pokey time, lack of hokey pokey time and everything else that we have experienced for the first time in our lives MORE than worth it. My baby boy is going to have a birthday and Kyle and I are the blessed parents who get to humbly be a part of this little dudes special day.

Our Little Monster is Turning ONE!

The Little Things

I'm a Target Lover. I could visit target every day just to stare at the bright red trim around the ceiling. I check their Daily Deals on my Target App every morning and look forward to Sunday mornings so that I can browse their weekly add. I am an addict. I compulsively give target my money without even giving it a second thought. I take my husbands on dates to Target so I can walk hand in hand with him in my favorite place. I.LOVE.IT! This week was especially wonderful for our relationship. I walked through that store with a giddy grin on my face. One that was much to big to describe. One that could have easily bursted into excited giggles and tears all at one time. Why, you ask?

Sweats.

Not just any sweats..

"Sweats for the whole family!"

There it was in their weekly add, the mixed racial family of 5 in their $5 sweat pans and sweat shirts smiling cheese-ily while posing for the picture. Perfect timing for the sale, as Monday morning brought a chilly drizzle in with the daily grind.

So there I was, walking through target. First Joeys sweats. Size 18 months already! Then Daddys.. size L cuz mommy thinks its hot when daddy wears his baggy sweats like a true gangsta. And Mommys sweats, size M cuz I CAN! cuz I don't need L this winter like I did last. There they were in my arms.. my sweats for MY WHOLE FAMILY.. cause I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!!!

I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Weird. Boring. Simple. Sure doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.. sheesh. did I really say I was so happy I could have cried? Over SWEATS??!! Say whuuu??? Well I did. Turns out, the "little things" in my life are usually attached to "big things" which take them from "no big deal things" and turns them into "almost cry out of joy in target things."

Caties birthday was Wednesday. She turned 21! What a gift to share that day with her. What an anxious, bittersweet feeling as we waited for it. Its this frustrating thing where you are so happy to be celebrating another year of her life and at the same time afraid its her last. bla bla bla, I've blogged about it a million times. This year however, was different. It was in no way easier to celebrate or less sad than its ever been. But this year was different for me in this way. I have ALWAYS and sometimes still do, feel like when Catie dies I will too. Sounds stupid but its an honest fear, worry, feeling. Whatever you want to call it. Life will not go on without her. My parents will lose their mind and lose interest in the rest of us kids because they will be so caught up in missing her. My siblings will all go different ways because we won't know how to handle it or be together without her. I will not know what to do with myself because I spend every waking moment thinking about her and if she needs me or my help. BUT!! this year, I had sweats for my whole family in my arms. My sons sweats are only a size 18 months. He is just a baby and has his whole life ahead of him. My husbands sweats are only a size L because I have only been married to him for 2 years and have the rest of our lives together to fatten him up. My sweats were only a size M because I haven't blown up into a house with baby #2 or maybe even 3 yet. I have a family. My life is just beginning. I could celebrate Caties birthday this year and know that even if it is her last, I can celebrate what would be her next with MY family. With or without her. Does that mean it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to imagine a day where she's not in her bed downstairs? certainly not. I can't even type about it without crying. I truly feel like we are connected in some weird way. Like they say twins are, ya know?? But anyway, It just means that I will have my best friend, my husband and our sweet baby boy to keep living my life with. Life will go on.

And we have sweats to keep living it in!! :)

Stay By My Side

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of January 2010. Catie was in the hospital and we thought she was going to pass away. Mom and I were sitting next to her bed talking. I was holding Catie's hand and tearfully telling mom that I couldn't live without my sister. We looked over and Catie had started crying too. She wasn't sleeping like we thought she was. So we cried together and I told her to stop it cuz everything would be fine...

Stay By My Side -good old war

Family Fuzz

No, I'm not about to talk about how fuzzy my family is... that is most definitely old news and not that great to talk about. I mean really, who really wants to know the dirty details of waxing, shaving and eyebrows that reach back to your hair line? or back hair mistaken for tattoos? no thanks.

The family fuzz I'm talking about is the good kind! You know those moments that make your heart feel WARM & FUZZY inside?? Well lately, call it being over emotional, you can call it sentimental on a level Joe for those of you that know my dad, but whatever you want to call it, I've got alot of it these days. Mostly because of my son and how I'm so grateful to have him that some days I feel like I will burst with happiness.

These are some Family fuzzies as of lately:

Getting to my parents house to pick Joey up after Bible study, walking over to say goodnight to Catie and her reaching out and hugging me.. don't forget the kisses! there were lots of those too :)

Taking my son to his first Giants game!! I had to keep reminding myself that he didn't care about anything but the french fries sitting on the guys lap in front of us. Let alone, the first time mommy went to AT&T park, or back when the Giants played at Candlestick and Nonni and Poppie brought mommy and her siblings to an SF vs LA game and sat us in the bleachers!! Watching him spot his daddy in the crowd of people was the icing on the cake. I felt like I could burst into a million tears and giggles all at the same time!

Sitting in a quiet office filled with the morning sun with a complete stranger who I had just met and realizing I have a new life, I am my own person and I have my own responsibilities. That my home is my sanctuary, my escape and MY respite. That its ok to be there and enjoy it. Sometimes you need to hear the straight forward truth of the matter from someone on the outside looking in.

Watching Joey dance in Auntie Kerri's arms while he watches Uncle Tony play the drums. He is so young but already strongly admires his uncle.

Seeing Joey with his Grammy, Grandpa, Auntie and Uncle, Daddy and Mommy all in the same room for the first time in months. Prayer does work. My husbands face proved it :)

When Joey would rather be with his Poppie than his own mother..

When I look at a picture of my mom and she looks JUST like uncle Frankie..

When, even after scaring Joey to tears with her outbursts, Annie is able to make him belly laugh.

Feeding my son pizza for the first time!! (shh, don't tell his ped!) lol

Going on a date with Kyle and him only wanting to talk about Joey and his "future siblings"


These are just a few of the Fuzzies that fill my heart until I feel like there is no room for more. I am so thankful for my family!! I can honestly understand the feeling of knowing my family is a gift from my Father in heaven.. not just people I'm lucky to have in my life.