I spoke with a mom this morning who's son took his life almost 6 years ago. I'm not sure how it even came up now but she began telling me about him, their last conversation, the days after he was gone. While we were talking a song that was played at his memorial came on and she literally gasped, her eyes opened wide and then filled with tears and she began to cry. His younger brother was standing next to her adding in little things here and there about what it was like to lose his big brother. He is younger than me and shorter than me (that doesn't happen often) and I look up to him. He knows what its like to lose a sibling. His mom continued to talk about how she always thinks of my family. She always prays for us. She lost one of her babies but she prays for me and my family. wow.
I stood there listening to her thinking, they are on the other side of what my family is expecting but they didn't see it coming. They didn't have that chance to give one last hug or say a goodbye. And after all that, she prays for US! I kept thinking, they know what its like. Their eyes CLEARLY hold a look of pain. I don't want that. Its what I'm scared of, having those feelings and loss. I also realized though, that they were both talking. Breathing. Laughing. Crying. Feeling. Life has kept going.. not better or ok or any of that but it kept going... I don't think they could ever know how much that the way they trust that all things happen for God's glory has impacted me.
Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them and remember that life is like a vapor.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Hugs & Kisses
I walked into Caties room to say whats up like usual..
"Hey Cate.. whats up?"
I got a big smile in return with a soft, "hi."
She then reached out her arms for a hug.
"I get a hug?" I asked her..
"mm hmm.."she said, as she pulled me in tight and kissed me on the cheek.
This girl is just too sweet.
"Hey Cate.. whats up?"
I got a big smile in return with a soft, "hi."
She then reached out her arms for a hug.
"I get a hug?" I asked her..
"mm hmm.."she said, as she pulled me in tight and kissed me on the cheek.
This girl is just too sweet.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Did I Just Say That?
I'm not one for holding in my opinions. My thoughts, my feelings. I am very honest and don't see the point in beating around the bush as some would say. A lot of people have acknowledged that they like that about me. They wish they had more of that. Some people have even taken advantage of that because they are too scared to speak for themselves so they manipulated me into speaking up for them. I'll be honest. It feels good to be honest. If feels good to just speak the truth. What feels even better is when you speak the truth OUT LOUD and you don't even realize it. Okay maybe it wouldn't feel good if I said something like, "sheesh, Ray Charles could have picked out a better looking sweater." ..But when I say something that I have had buried for years and has slowly eaten away at me it feels good.
So there I was. Sitting on the floor surrounded by a plastic play yard with my 1 year old climbing all over me and pulling on my face. I was crying like I was a hormonal freak that had just given birth and I said it. "She stopped talking to me because all I had to talk about was Catie. Its not my fault that that is all I had to talk about!"
Long story short, I came across someone that was, for the first half of my life, my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING with each other. But then when she started to worry about highschool I started to worry about my sister who I was just told was going to die. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea all these years later. I understand that my 14 year old best friend wasn't going to be able to fix the problem or change the situation. I did expect them to stick by my side tho. Thats what best friends do. So I thought.. Its not even really about that one friend as much as it was, is, about me. I clearly remember wishing that I had something to talk about. Something "normal" to talk about with "normal" people my age. I didn't tho. People would ask me what I had been up to and my mind would completely go blank. "hurry kel, think of something, ANYTHING other than Catie this and Catie that." but truth is, that was my life. I couldn't see that as something thats ok until now. I didn't realize that its okay to embrace the fact that you spend every day doing things your sibling wants to do. Sure it wasn't fun but it made me who I am. Its who I was then.
I've seen the same thing with Amy and Annie. Recently someone asked Amy what she had been busy with. She replied with school and helping with Annie. The person continued to ask, "but what else? like, what do you do?" I wanted to scream and say LOOK! you don't understand but caring for these kids is ALL DAY NON STOP. If you don't answer a question they scream. If you're not home they scream. You are the only one that knows what doll or movie they are asking for. It consumes you.
bla bla bla. the point is, I didn't ask to be sat down and told my sister was gonna die. I didn't choose the life I was given and I sure as heck do not appreciate being dissed, ignored or treated as less because being a 14 year old caregiver isn't "cool."
I've held on to this hurt for years and now that we are both adults I can see where God has had complete control of my life and has known what is best for me. well, duh. It hurt so much when I was younger and it still hurts now. The difference is, I couldn't see how things would work out when i was 14 like I can now.
It felt good to blurt that out today. Whether I meant to or not, I needed to. Its not healthy to hold stuff in... obviously.
I have to say I am SO thankful for the friends I have today. They listen to me talk about Catie or anything else I talk about and love me no matter what.
So there I was. Sitting on the floor surrounded by a plastic play yard with my 1 year old climbing all over me and pulling on my face. I was crying like I was a hormonal freak that had just given birth and I said it. "She stopped talking to me because all I had to talk about was Catie. Its not my fault that that is all I had to talk about!"
Long story short, I came across someone that was, for the first half of my life, my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING with each other. But then when she started to worry about highschool I started to worry about my sister who I was just told was going to die. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea all these years later. I understand that my 14 year old best friend wasn't going to be able to fix the problem or change the situation. I did expect them to stick by my side tho. Thats what best friends do. So I thought.. Its not even really about that one friend as much as it was, is, about me. I clearly remember wishing that I had something to talk about. Something "normal" to talk about with "normal" people my age. I didn't tho. People would ask me what I had been up to and my mind would completely go blank. "hurry kel, think of something, ANYTHING other than Catie this and Catie that." but truth is, that was my life. I couldn't see that as something thats ok until now. I didn't realize that its okay to embrace the fact that you spend every day doing things your sibling wants to do. Sure it wasn't fun but it made me who I am. Its who I was then.
I've seen the same thing with Amy and Annie. Recently someone asked Amy what she had been busy with. She replied with school and helping with Annie. The person continued to ask, "but what else? like, what do you do?" I wanted to scream and say LOOK! you don't understand but caring for these kids is ALL DAY NON STOP. If you don't answer a question they scream. If you're not home they scream. You are the only one that knows what doll or movie they are asking for. It consumes you.
bla bla bla. the point is, I didn't ask to be sat down and told my sister was gonna die. I didn't choose the life I was given and I sure as heck do not appreciate being dissed, ignored or treated as less because being a 14 year old caregiver isn't "cool."
I've held on to this hurt for years and now that we are both adults I can see where God has had complete control of my life and has known what is best for me. well, duh. It hurt so much when I was younger and it still hurts now. The difference is, I couldn't see how things would work out when i was 14 like I can now.
It felt good to blurt that out today. Whether I meant to or not, I needed to. Its not healthy to hold stuff in... obviously.
I have to say I am SO thankful for the friends I have today. They listen to me talk about Catie or anything else I talk about and love me no matter what.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sweet 16
When did time fly by so quickly? I know things are busy and always changing but why is it that people continue to age through it all?
Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?
When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?
When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?
I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.
I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..
Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?
When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?
When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?
I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.
I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
O Holy Night
She'd stand tall and brave but I could always see that she was nervous. She'd grip the handle of her cane like a child grips their friends arm while giving an indian burn. You know when you twist your hands in the opposite direction of each other? I'd start to play the intro to the song, more nervous that she wouldn't know when to come in and start singing than I was of messing up on the piano. You never knew when she'd start at the right time and get the words right or when she'd blank out and now we know why. She'd start to sing, "O Holy Night" and suddenly it was like you couldn't hear anything else. It's like the song says, "o holy night the stars are brightly shining." That is what her voice sounded like. It was bright. You know when you drive up to tahoe and you take your first breath of fresh tahoe air when you step out of the car? Or the first step out into the cold night air during winter? Its clear and sharp. Its fresh and appealing. It often times will take your breath away for a split second. That is what her voice was like. Or in the song when it says, "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices!" I can't imagine the sound that people must have heard when Christ was born. The sound of the heavens rejoicing over his birth. But I do imagine it was somewhat like her voice. Loud and powerful but soft and gentle all at the same time. Its like almost couldn't expect it looking at her because she was just small and nervous. But when she hit the high note of the song it would move you to tears. To hear such a sound come out of a child. I try to describe it to my husband. I try to convince him that I don't just remember it to be a pretty sound because she's my sister or because I miss her voice. It really was remarkable.
I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.
I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.
I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.
I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Take Care"
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another
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