Dreams

Just woke up from a crazy night of dreaming. I loooove dreams! I have alot of strange ones but they are all so vivid and so real. In fact they can get so real that I woke up crying in the middle of the night and when Kyle tried to comfort me and see what was wrong, I shoved him and said, "Move out! I want you out! I knew Tony was a bad influence on you!" he started laughing and asked what Tony made him do and I replied, "nothing, you did it to yourself! move out!"
I won't blog it up about that dream, no need. My next one is the one that was awesome!

but first, a back track. of course...

Yesterday while grocery shopping my mom and I started talking about future services that my family will hold for Catie and Annie.. I know, I know, what kind of sick people talk about that.. its weird and creepy. The kind of people that talk about it and plan it are the people that have the opportunity to know its coming. I mean, sure, Everyone knows their day is coming, but this is like, 2 kids whos days are coming. As sad as it is, we are SO blessed to have them around and to have the opportunity to plan their services. Its an opportunity to go to a "happy" service. If you look at Catie, can you imagine a dark room where everyone is wearing black and crying? no way man, try purple balloons for every guest there and celine dion's best dance songs blasting... Its like my parents say, if Catie dies before me or tony, she wins. Think I'm crazy all you want. If you don't believe in heaven or a Christ then it would sound nuts so I don't blame ya... but anways, here was my dream.

My whole family was walking into a huge opera house. There was disney music playing so I thought it was a disney show we were trying to find seats for... All the seats were taken by hundreds and hundreds of people... It was chaotic trying to get through the crowd of excited guests... And everyone was dressed up in costumes, some in tuxedos and ball gowns, some were in comfy pajamas, all the kids had balloons in their hands (animal balloons like you get from clowns) and there was popcorn and candy and then out of nowhere the front doors of the opera open and in come 20+ disney characters dancing just like you see in disneyland! winnie the pooh picked up Annie and began to swing her around and the Beast twirled dad around and he started doing his goofy relaxed dance that he does on vacations. Then dad stopped dancing and looked at me and his eyes swelled up and his lip started doing this shakey thing it does when he trys not to cry and he said, "kel, Catie would've loved this, wouldn't she?!" and I looked over and Mom was pushing Catie's wheelchair but it was empty with just a purple rose lying on the seat. this was her memorial service. Tony was standing by it talking to mandy and kerri and amy where hugging the characters and casey (caties dog) was sitting on the floor with a purple leash and it didn't feel sad at all. It felt like we were in disneyland, our favorite family vacation. Then I was trying to find a bathroom and the opera house didn't have any and I woke up. haha the end.

This was the first dream I've ever had about Catie being gone that didn't make me sad. I know to some, dreams don't mean anything and really, I don't look into them too much other than for a laugh most the time, but this one got me thinking. planning I should say. I never thought to bring casey to her service since casey is her favorite, or have everybody dress up! wear something purple, or wear your favorite disney costume, or wear the fanciest outfit you have. Heck I'm trying to get disney to ship a few princesses out now too...

The Angle of the Dangle

K so, I'm trying to be patient but 20weeks seems SOOO far away still. 20 weeks aka BOY or GIRL ultrasound.
I understand to some people, this isn't too big of a deal, matter of fact, alot of people don't find out what they are having until the day that little kid is popped out. Personally, I have to know. waiting til half way through the pregnancy is hard enough let alone trying to wait the whole time?! I'm over calling it "it" like its going to come out a big fuzzy monster. It's sex needs to be determined so that it can be called by its name when I sing to it.
In my obsessive compulsive attempt to find out what the baby is before I can really find out what it is, I have done some research and i am disregarding the fact that all of my answers have come from myths. after all, they have a 50/50 chance of being right.
these are the gender prediction myths that I tested on myself honestly just like the directions say.

ring on a string: girl
needle on a string: girl
Chinese gender calendar: girl
American gender calendar: girl
How sick are you?: girl
BPM test: girl
Daddys weight gain test: girl
what are you craving test: girl

Honest to god I did not hack the tests, thats how they came out. So its understandable that since everything came out to be a girl I would just imagine it being one which is great, but if its a boy? I'm gonna be stoked just because the tests were wrong and it'll really surprise me.

Boy or girl, I don't care... I just need to know already so I can either shop like a mad woman for hello kitty EVERYTHING or rock and roll EVERYTHING.

The Ghost In the Room

Imagine being in a room filled with people. You can't see them but you can hear them. All of them. You hear their voices and you recognize each one. You shout out a "hello" anxiously hoping to get a reply and you repeat that hello until you recieve one or you don't. You give up and continue listening. But then because of short term memory loss you forget that you gave up 5 minutes ago and you anxiously begin your second, but in your mind, first attempt at a hopeful reply. A conversation. A "how are you?". Then you get one! but its quick, like you're being brushed off. You continue listening, wishing you could just see who is standing next to you.

Its like you're a ghost. A 200lb gorgeous ghost with a presence that is captivating and you happen to be sitting in a massive neon purple chair. Now there is a ghost thats hard to miss and yet, it is looked over, passed by and ignored like its not there. You are the ghost in the room.

That is Caties life outside of the home. In church of all places, go figure. At school, hell, at any public function including the ones that are being held in her honor.

There are a handful of people, trust me, my family and I know who you are and we are so thankful for you. You are the handful of people that always give Catie and huge hug and excited hello. You let her hold your babies because you know nothing makes her happier. You ask her how her boyfriend is and if she is excited about her wedding. You ask her if she is ready to run across the finish line of her relay. You tell her you love her highlights in her hair or her sparkling dangle earings. You listen to her mumble, smile and tell her, "yeah! thats great!" even though you don't have a clue as to what she is trying to say. You hold her hand when you speak to her reassuring her that you are really there since she can't see you. You are the people that make her smile and feel like she is a part of whats going on.

Then there are the majority of people. Trust me, my family, myself and Catie know who you are. Yes, Catie knows who ignores her because she hears you. She hears your voice in the room and she gets upset that you won't come talk to her. She frowns and grunts and drops her head. She is very aware. You are the people that know she is madly in love with you and believes she will marry you one day, yet you pretend like she isn't sitting 2 feet away from you, hoping that if you're quiet she won't know you're there. You're the people that look right past her when she is sitting across from you. You are the people that pat her on the shoulder and say hello and then leave to a different part of the room and socialize since you got the 'be nice to the retarded kid' part of the day out of your way. You are the people that are too self absorbed to realize how smart and sharp her mind really is. You all brag about your academic achievements, your public volunteer work, your missionary work in your community, your success at your jobs. All great things to be proud of, but if you can't take the time to say hello to someone like catie then personally you shouldn't be proud of anything about yourself at all.

I am tired of watching Catie be ignored. Its not even since recently or anything, its been going on since we were little girls. Catie would cry when we were younger because she just wanted to hang out with all the other kids, but never being able to run or think as fast as them, it never worked out. She was treated poorly. There were a few kids that she was close to, 3 specifically that were so good to her. But now, they've grown up and act as if they could care less. My dad even called one of her friends and left her voicemails asking her to please call catie since she crys and asks about her all the time. 2 years later we've yet to hear from her. I really don't get it! Really, I'd love for someone to explain to me what it is. What it is about catie that makes them stop calling, stop saying hi, stop giving her the time of day. Maybe if someone could explain it to me I wouldn't keep tabs on the assholes that ignore her.
Like I said though, I keep tabs on the ones that do treat her like a person too.
I was talking to my mom tonight about this since she was almost in tears from frustration. Just wanting to scream and say, HELLO MY DAUGHTER IS RIGHT HERE! I tried to help mom remember that as upsetting as it is for us and for Catie, the people that don't talk to her are the ones that are missing out. Look at her picture, that smile is outrageous!

Some day Catie will be the ghost in the room. Her chair will be empty and we won't have the opportunity to talk to her and hold her hand. The people that truly love her and care for her will be heart broken but thankful for the times they got to visit with her. The people that act like she's not there better think twice before they speak her name to me.

Diaper Bags

So of course I have been anxious to start a registry for our little baby. People have already asked if we have one so they can start shopping. so sweet!!

I'm a practical kinda girl... My husband and I registered at target when we got married okay? the glitz and the glamour aren't really necessary, just the basics. For the baby its the same.

So throughout my many days spent laying on the couch in between bathroom runs I have had alot of time to just look at and dream about baby stuff and still, I can't help but be practical. Babies are simple and they don't need much, can't say I won't get carried away with the little registration gun but, I'll try...

ONE EXCEPTION. I have decided. There is one thing I will not be practical about. THE DIAPER BAG. I realized today that this bag full of wipes, dirty diapers, bottles and many other baby things is going to become my new purse. If you think I'm gonna settle with a $30 pastel plastic velcro bag with a rattle hanging off the side, THINK AGAIN! I'm gonna spoil myself with a nice one.. fine, maybe not coach, but close to it! If this thing is going to house my cell phone and lip gloss along with the burp clothes, its gonna at least look adorable. and I don't mean, pink elephants and blue aligator adorable, I mean looks like a designer bag even though it cost less adorable.

I think every mom should invest in a hott diaper bag... just because you have a cutie pie hangin on your hip doesn't mean you have to have a cutie pie bag hangin from yo shoulder honay...

Time to start savin...

Gay Haters

To the haters and the cowards I have something to say.
You act like a monster toward people who are gay.
you hope for their death and their burning in hell
tell me, when did you realize you're doing so well?
did the Bible you hide behind reveal something thats new?
that homosexuals and bisexuals aren't people too?
please show me where it says that, because the last time I checked
the bible has a long list of sins, not one should we neglect.
like lying and stealing, adultry and murder
who are you to decide which sin is the greater?
you sit on your couch in your cute little home
preaching your hate of a world you don't even know.
the coward thing is, if given the opportunity
you'd never give your opinion out in public on the streets
you save it for your bible studies and christian swap meets.
this hate you have is not the only secret you keep.
how 'bout the double standard of things that you love to see?
a woman with a woman, its ok cause you're straight
its not ok with the bible that you use so strongly to hate.
listen, this is the point.
The bible is clear that all sin is the same
making all of us sinners, ourselves we should blame.
so take that finger you point at the gay,
find yourself a mirror and point, point away.


Its true what they say, people are not christians because they haven't met one, or they have.

The rules are simple and very clear. LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Over the first hump...

Dear First Trimester,

Our time together is almost over now that I am 12 weeks and 5 days into this journey. I'm going to be honest, skip the bull sh*t and just get right to the point.

You were a complete pain in my side. You were worse of an experience than I had ever imagined. You stole 10 lbs from me in two weeks by making me throw up everything I did and did not put into my stomach. You then gave the 1o lbs right back 2 weeks later giving me an ugly vein in the side of my leg. You're lucky you don't have money or I'd be making you pay for my leg sleeves I will be getting tattooed on myself after this baby comes. Yes, I will be covering all of my war wounds with beautiful ink thanks to you. You made my home that I love and live in smell like a concert that sold old food and was sold out to smelly boys, hookers and dirty animals. I did not appreciate that whatsoever. You made me grouchy and snappy toward my husband who only wanted to love me through this. You made me spend way to much money on 711 slurpees and nestle quick choc milk and like I said earlier, you made me throw it all up. Thanks to you I have cried over silly things like greys anatomy, a baby story, last cake standing, fox and the hound, disneys planet earth and the santa cruz beach. You have taken my outward apperance and turned it back into a me I only knew and looked like at an awkard age of 15. You've made my hair straightener my enemy and make-up back a chore. We won't even discuss my love life since that took a break due to the constant throwing up. You are exhausting and completely consuming.

I would however, like to thank you for sticking around, as crappy of an experience as you've been. You've allowed me to get to know my body better as well as the little baby growing inside of me. Not everybody has the joy of getting through their relationship with you so I do feel blessed. In a sick and tired of you kind of way.

I have to be honest, I'm not going to miss you. I'm not too sure why they call you the first trimester... You definitely aren't number one in my book. I'm guessing it turns out this way so that we prego ppl can get you done and over with asap. I will see you in a few years. I repeat, YEARS. no more surprises please. I'll invite you back into my life when I am ready to visit with you again.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to continue on with this pregnancy and get to know second trimester. I think i'm going to enjoy getting past this first hump and into the baby bump.
peace out you yucky three months.
adios.
caio.


p.s. thanks for my new boobs.... the look absolutely FANTASTIC!!!!!

"I'm with the SWAT team"

I'm staying at my family's tonight with Catie and Annie while mom and dad get a night away... I was in a hurry leaving my place this morning and didn't grab any pjs and now its that time of night. I promise you, you won't find me sleeping in that dress I had on earlier... its time to be comfy. Unfortunately I had to think about where I would find something to wear... There are a lot of shapes and sizes in this house and my tummy only seemed to fit one size. dads. (no dad, you don't look prego, you just wear the right size tshirt) So I found myself digging toward the bottom of my dads tshirt drawer looking for a pj shirt and was quickly sent back to rockhurst ct in a matter of seconds. Saturday night was shower-for-church-in-the-morning night... not the ONLY time we were bathed during the week haha just one day you could count on. We'd climb out of the huge tub in mom and dads bathroom. The one surrounded by the orange and gold leaf design of wall paper all the way up to the ceiling and right under the window that looked down into the backyard of our dysfunctional neighbors. I've always been one for snooping and drama, even at a young age. :) Kerri just little with dimples on her cooling still making her 2 maybe? catie 4ish and me 6ish... we'd all shiver as we walked over to the stairs to look into the picture hanging on the wall across from the stairway. You could see the reflection of the tv so we'd check to make sure we hadn't missed that nights episode of "COPS." Family tradish to watch it saturday nights. That reflection in that picture was bomb... I watched my first episode of Americas Most Wanted and some of Top Gun through that frame. Anyway, once we realized we hadn't missed COPS but it was coming on soon it was a rush to get our jammies on and hair brushed through. I remember having cute jammies... Barbie nightgowns and this one with colorful fluffy animal things on it but for some reason it seems like we always ended up in dads navy SWAT shirts on saturday nights. Maybe it was a quick one hit stop for mom? Bath, towels, and a SWAT shirt all in the same location, maybe we asked to wear them? That I can't remember, I just remember wearing them and feeling proud! Hoping at 6 that someone would come to the door and see me in it and think that maybe I was on the SWAT team too. haha right. We'd go downstairs and watch COPS while our long hair (down to our butts) was soaking the back of our shirts and then it was off to bed. I can remember Catie changing out of her shirt a few times cause it was wet... must have been those early batten moments of ocd and behaviors and she couldn't stand it, or maybe she just didn't like the feeling anyway.. I didn't mind though, I loved having it on. Like I said, I thought I could maybe look like the oversized tshirt was mine personally. It also smelled like my dad.. like a clean dad. Not like he had just had gotten back from swat training but more like the smell of the hug you got from him before he left. I even took his shirts with me when I'd go to my grandparents or a cousins house. I got homesick so it was like a blankie I could wear to bed. Plus it looked cool. Psh, yeah, my dads on the swat team, no biggie. Man it was a big deal as a little girl!! It has always stayed a big deal to me but as I got older I wore my own tshirts and jammies to bed and then before you know it youre a teen and its not cool to wear your dads old tshirts cause you notice the deoderant stains and they were oversized and we all know it matters what you look like when you crawl into bed by yourself with your dog. like, totally! Then all of a sudden you're an adult and married and your husbands tshirts become your blankie. You wear his when he's gone or when you stay the night away from him somewhere and you love the smell of his shirts. I'm sure our little kids will wear their daddies shirts to bed too... They won't be SWAT shirts but band t's and mac logos are just as cool right?
Funny how needing something to sleep in can flash so much memory into your mind so quickly. I didn't find a swat shirt but I found a relay shirt and I'm just was proud and comforted to wear it to bed at 22. It represents the SWAT member that is now a tiny bit older and maybe not laying in a bush for hours at a time but running miles to raise funds and awareness for the battle he and his whole family are going through. It represents the dedication he has continually shown to take care of each one of us on top of everyone else in his world day after day.
Maybe if someone sees me in it they will think I'm a runner???!!! haha who and I kidding. Me making someone think I'm a runner is as likely as making someone think I'm with the SWAT team at 6 years old. Here's to looking up to your dad and hoping though!

oh and for the record, I'm wearing amy's pj bottoms. Yeah, I fit in them, its chill.