Count to 10..

Classic anger management technique, count to 10. We've all heard it and I'm guessing have all tried it. Lately I'd have to count a lot higher to 10 to calm myself down if I were going to try that technique. I want to tell everyone off for a number of reasons. I'm finding myself feeling like I did when I was younger and angry and not knowing how to deal with it so I held it all inside. I don't recommend doing that. I can feel the pressure building like I'm about to explode and over little things too! Thats the funny thing. I am pretty sure its because I have BIG things on my mind all day. Big things that are important so when the little things come along like someone blowing me off or flaking or expecting unrealistic things of me, thats when I go crazy. I have justified it in my mind too.. like, "of course its ok and understandable to just tell someone how it is because..." bla bla bla and then I read this:

Ephesians 5:1 be an imitator of Christ.

sheesh. now that is one gnarly form of anger management. imitate the Creator of the universe. The person that gave his life for every single person no matter what they've done or who they are.

good bye anger, you're not allowed to stick around because if I stay angry I will act on it and that can't happen...

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

There are some moments in this life where I am overwhelmed by gratitude so greatly that I feel like it is impossible to breathe. Its moments when my son runs over to me and plants a soft kiss on my cheek and then tucks his little face under my chin and sighs while rubbing the skin on my face or arms. Then his daddy, the love of my life, gets the biggest smile on his face and says, "wow, you two are the best thing about my life. I love watching you together."

and then I think, "breathe kel, breathe!!"

true suffocating love.

:)

The Invisible Monster

mental illness.


I feel like if you get too close your mental-ness starts to get ill...

I Am

so happy. So very very happy!

Girl Time

Mom is out the door for a coffee date with old friends and every single person in the family is gone to one place or another.. its just me and Catie.. As I close and lock the front door I think for one quick second, "cool! Its just me and Catie, we'll have some girl time.." Then I turn the corner to go downstairs with her and I can see her big head in her green chair flopped over to the side while she sleeps and I instantly start to cry. I'm not sure where that idea came from. I haven't thought like that in years.. its like for a split second I forgot that she can't have "girl time." Well, she can if I do all the talking and the conversation is strictly about disney movies, her wedding or her baby shower that she'll have some day. I in no means want to make it sound like I don't love those conversations. Its just that, I forgot that we couldn't talk about babies, parents, husbands, shoes, sha boomboom(as my friend would call it) or what we are cooking for dinner. You know, grown up talk. Most people that have lost someone they loved or were close to knows what its like when you see someone and you start waving at them thinking its your friend/family member etc and then it clicks. That person died. So you waved happily at a complete stranger and now they feel bad that they didn't wave back because you are bawling your eyes out. Thats what that 2 second thought was like with Catie. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I wish she was "normal" so that rather than playing barbies together like I used to wish about, we could talk together. Grab a coffee and walk through target or something. Just spend some quality Girl Time together.



bleh.



its no big deal really. I think its just the rain. rainy days make me poopy. i think. eh..

Life is Like A Vapor

I spoke with a mom this morning who's son took his life almost 6 years ago. I'm not sure how it even came up now but she began telling me about him, their last conversation, the days after he was gone. While we were talking a song that was played at his memorial came on and she literally gasped, her eyes opened wide and then filled with tears and she began to cry. His younger brother was standing next to her adding in little things here and there about what it was like to lose his big brother. He is younger than me and shorter than me (that doesn't happen often) and I look up to him. He knows what its like to lose a sibling. His mom continued to talk about how she always thinks of my family. She always prays for us. She lost one of her babies but she prays for me and my family. wow.

I stood there listening to her thinking, they are on the other side of what my family is expecting but they didn't see it coming. They didn't have that chance to give one last hug or say a goodbye. And after all that, she prays for US! I kept thinking, they know what its like. Their eyes CLEARLY hold a look of pain. I don't want that. Its what I'm scared of, having those feelings and loss. I also realized though, that they were both talking. Breathing. Laughing. Crying. Feeling. Life has kept going.. not better or ok or any of that but it kept going... I don't think they could ever know how much that the way they trust that all things happen for God's glory has impacted me.

Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them and remember that life is like a vapor.

Hugs & Kisses

I walked into Caties room to say whats up like usual..

"Hey Cate.. whats up?"

I got a big smile in return with a soft, "hi."
She then reached out her arms for a hug.

"I get a hug?" I asked her..

"mm hmm.."she said, as she pulled me in tight and kissed me on the cheek.


This girl is just too sweet.

Did I Just Say That?

I'm not one for holding in my opinions. My thoughts, my feelings. I am very honest and don't see the point in beating around the bush as some would say. A lot of people have acknowledged that they like that about me. They wish they had more of that. Some people have even taken advantage of that because they are too scared to speak for themselves so they manipulated me into speaking up for them. I'll be honest. It feels good to be honest. If feels good to just speak the truth. What feels even better is when you speak the truth OUT LOUD and you don't even realize it. Okay maybe it wouldn't feel good if I said something like, "sheesh, Ray Charles could have picked out a better looking sweater." ..But when I say something that I have had buried for years and has slowly eaten away at me it feels good.

So there I was. Sitting on the floor surrounded by a plastic play yard with my 1 year old climbing all over me and pulling on my face. I was crying like I was a hormonal freak that had just given birth and I said it. "She stopped talking to me because all I had to talk about was Catie. Its not my fault that that is all I had to talk about!"

Long story short, I came across someone that was, for the first half of my life, my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING with each other. But then when she started to worry about highschool I started to worry about my sister who I was just told was going to die. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea all these years later. I understand that my 14 year old best friend wasn't going to be able to fix the problem or change the situation. I did expect them to stick by my side tho. Thats what best friends do. So I thought.. Its not even really about that one friend as much as it was, is, about me. I clearly remember wishing that I had something to talk about. Something "normal" to talk about with "normal" people my age. I didn't tho. People would ask me what I had been up to and my mind would completely go blank. "hurry kel, think of something, ANYTHING other than Catie this and Catie that." but truth is, that was my life. I couldn't see that as something thats ok until now. I didn't realize that its okay to embrace the fact that you spend every day doing things your sibling wants to do. Sure it wasn't fun but it made me who I am. Its who I was then.
I've seen the same thing with Amy and Annie. Recently someone asked Amy what she had been busy with. She replied with school and helping with Annie. The person continued to ask, "but what else? like, what do you do?" I wanted to scream and say LOOK! you don't understand but caring for these kids is ALL DAY NON STOP. If you don't answer a question they scream. If you're not home they scream. You are the only one that knows what doll or movie they are asking for. It consumes you.
bla bla bla. the point is, I didn't ask to be sat down and told my sister was gonna die. I didn't choose the life I was given and I sure as heck do not appreciate being dissed, ignored or treated as less because being a 14 year old caregiver isn't "cool."

I've held on to this hurt for years and now that we are both adults I can see where God has had complete control of my life and has known what is best for me. well, duh. It hurt so much when I was younger and it still hurts now. The difference is, I couldn't see how things would work out when i was 14 like I can now.

It felt good to blurt that out today. Whether I meant to or not, I needed to. Its not healthy to hold stuff in... obviously.

I have to say I am SO thankful for the friends I have today. They listen to me talk about Catie or anything else I talk about and love me no matter what.

Note To Self

You can't save everyone no matter how hard you try.

Sweet 16

When did time fly by so quickly? I know things are busy and always changing but why is it that people continue to age through it all?

Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?

When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?

When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?

I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.

I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..

O Holy Night

She'd stand tall and brave but I could always see that she was nervous. She'd grip the handle of her cane like a child grips their friends arm while giving an indian burn. You know when you twist your hands in the opposite direction of each other? I'd start to play the intro to the song, more nervous that she wouldn't know when to come in and start singing than I was of messing up on the piano. You never knew when she'd start at the right time and get the words right or when she'd blank out and now we know why. She'd start to sing, "O Holy Night" and suddenly it was like you couldn't hear anything else. It's like the song says, "o holy night the stars are brightly shining." That is what her voice sounded like. It was bright. You know when you drive up to tahoe and you take your first breath of fresh tahoe air when you step out of the car? Or the first step out into the cold night air during winter? Its clear and sharp. Its fresh and appealing. It often times will take your breath away for a split second. That is what her voice was like. Or in the song when it says, "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices!" I can't imagine the sound that people must have heard when Christ was born. The sound of the heavens rejoicing over his birth. But I do imagine it was somewhat like her voice. Loud and powerful but soft and gentle all at the same time. Its like almost couldn't expect it looking at her because she was just small and nervous. But when she hit the high note of the song it would move you to tears. To hear such a sound come out of a child. I try to describe it to my husband. I try to convince him that I don't just remember it to be a pretty sound because she's my sister or because I miss her voice. It really was remarkable.

I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.

I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.

"Take Care"

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there

It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there



All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another

All Worth It

We were standing in the store like little kids begging each other for Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear party hats. Kyle and I must have looked like a couple of kids up to no good with no where else to go at 10:30 on a Monday night other than WalMart. Truth is we felt like little kids.. filled with so much excitement for an upcoming birthday party. We finally decided on decorations and then headed straight for the toy isle.. "OMG Kyle, he NEEDS this!!" I'd shout, looking at the fisher price play kitchen. "No babe, he needs THIS!" Kyle pointed to the giant lego box with the set of Andy's Room and all the Toy Story Toys.

We were picking out gifts and decorations for our sons first birthday!! You probably can't see it in the way I type but I am smiling SO very big right now.

What a gift!! To be given a baby. To carry that baby to term, deliver that baby with no serious complications and watch that little baby grow into a toddler over the last year. Not everybody is given that gift and I don't take it for granted. I find myself teary eyed every night as I pray over my little boy and tuck him into bed. This little boy is my life, my everything. He was the size of a poppy seed when God used him to enlighten my eyes and help me see Him for who He truly is. My Savior. A POPPY SEED!!!!

When I stop and think about the last year and all that Kyle and I have experienced as new parents, good and bad, I feel so completely exhausted. I'm not going to lie. I feel so enormously happy and thankful and content and then those sharp pains remind me that my body never fully healed properly from my 24 hours of labor and I feel tired, worn out and "mom-like" along with happy, thankful and content. Thats alot of things to be feeling at once.. I think. Either way, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Standing in a WalMart picking out the right shade of green balloons for my SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY with my HUSBAND makes every empty bank account, stretch mark, new tooth, tear, poopy diaper, frazzled moment, future surgery, long night, interrupted hokey pokey time, lack of hokey pokey time and everything else that we have experienced for the first time in our lives MORE than worth it. My baby boy is going to have a birthday and Kyle and I are the blessed parents who get to humbly be a part of this little dudes special day.

Our Little Monster is Turning ONE!

The Little Things

I'm a Target Lover. I could visit target every day just to stare at the bright red trim around the ceiling. I check their Daily Deals on my Target App every morning and look forward to Sunday mornings so that I can browse their weekly add. I am an addict. I compulsively give target my money without even giving it a second thought. I take my husbands on dates to Target so I can walk hand in hand with him in my favorite place. I.LOVE.IT! This week was especially wonderful for our relationship. I walked through that store with a giddy grin on my face. One that was much to big to describe. One that could have easily bursted into excited giggles and tears all at one time. Why, you ask?

Sweats.

Not just any sweats..

"Sweats for the whole family!"

There it was in their weekly add, the mixed racial family of 5 in their $5 sweat pans and sweat shirts smiling cheese-ily while posing for the picture. Perfect timing for the sale, as Monday morning brought a chilly drizzle in with the daily grind.

So there I was, walking through target. First Joeys sweats. Size 18 months already! Then Daddys.. size L cuz mommy thinks its hot when daddy wears his baggy sweats like a true gangsta. And Mommys sweats, size M cuz I CAN! cuz I don't need L this winter like I did last. There they were in my arms.. my sweats for MY WHOLE FAMILY.. cause I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!!!

I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Weird. Boring. Simple. Sure doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.. sheesh. did I really say I was so happy I could have cried? Over SWEATS??!! Say whuuu??? Well I did. Turns out, the "little things" in my life are usually attached to "big things" which take them from "no big deal things" and turns them into "almost cry out of joy in target things."

Caties birthday was Wednesday. She turned 21! What a gift to share that day with her. What an anxious, bittersweet feeling as we waited for it. Its this frustrating thing where you are so happy to be celebrating another year of her life and at the same time afraid its her last. bla bla bla, I've blogged about it a million times. This year however, was different. It was in no way easier to celebrate or less sad than its ever been. But this year was different for me in this way. I have ALWAYS and sometimes still do, feel like when Catie dies I will too. Sounds stupid but its an honest fear, worry, feeling. Whatever you want to call it. Life will not go on without her. My parents will lose their mind and lose interest in the rest of us kids because they will be so caught up in missing her. My siblings will all go different ways because we won't know how to handle it or be together without her. I will not know what to do with myself because I spend every waking moment thinking about her and if she needs me or my help. BUT!! this year, I had sweats for my whole family in my arms. My sons sweats are only a size 18 months. He is just a baby and has his whole life ahead of him. My husbands sweats are only a size L because I have only been married to him for 2 years and have the rest of our lives together to fatten him up. My sweats were only a size M because I haven't blown up into a house with baby #2 or maybe even 3 yet. I have a family. My life is just beginning. I could celebrate Caties birthday this year and know that even if it is her last, I can celebrate what would be her next with MY family. With or without her. Does that mean it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to imagine a day where she's not in her bed downstairs? certainly not. I can't even type about it without crying. I truly feel like we are connected in some weird way. Like they say twins are, ya know?? But anyway, It just means that I will have my best friend, my husband and our sweet baby boy to keep living my life with. Life will go on.

And we have sweats to keep living it in!! :)

Stay By My Side

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of January 2010. Catie was in the hospital and we thought she was going to pass away. Mom and I were sitting next to her bed talking. I was holding Catie's hand and tearfully telling mom that I couldn't live without my sister. We looked over and Catie had started crying too. She wasn't sleeping like we thought she was. So we cried together and I told her to stop it cuz everything would be fine...

Stay By My Side -good old war

Family Fuzz

No, I'm not about to talk about how fuzzy my family is... that is most definitely old news and not that great to talk about. I mean really, who really wants to know the dirty details of waxing, shaving and eyebrows that reach back to your hair line? or back hair mistaken for tattoos? no thanks.

The family fuzz I'm talking about is the good kind! You know those moments that make your heart feel WARM & FUZZY inside?? Well lately, call it being over emotional, you can call it sentimental on a level Joe for those of you that know my dad, but whatever you want to call it, I've got alot of it these days. Mostly because of my son and how I'm so grateful to have him that some days I feel like I will burst with happiness.

These are some Family fuzzies as of lately:

Getting to my parents house to pick Joey up after Bible study, walking over to say goodnight to Catie and her reaching out and hugging me.. don't forget the kisses! there were lots of those too :)

Taking my son to his first Giants game!! I had to keep reminding myself that he didn't care about anything but the french fries sitting on the guys lap in front of us. Let alone, the first time mommy went to AT&T park, or back when the Giants played at Candlestick and Nonni and Poppie brought mommy and her siblings to an SF vs LA game and sat us in the bleachers!! Watching him spot his daddy in the crowd of people was the icing on the cake. I felt like I could burst into a million tears and giggles all at the same time!

Sitting in a quiet office filled with the morning sun with a complete stranger who I had just met and realizing I have a new life, I am my own person and I have my own responsibilities. That my home is my sanctuary, my escape and MY respite. That its ok to be there and enjoy it. Sometimes you need to hear the straight forward truth of the matter from someone on the outside looking in.

Watching Joey dance in Auntie Kerri's arms while he watches Uncle Tony play the drums. He is so young but already strongly admires his uncle.

Seeing Joey with his Grammy, Grandpa, Auntie and Uncle, Daddy and Mommy all in the same room for the first time in months. Prayer does work. My husbands face proved it :)

When Joey would rather be with his Poppie than his own mother..

When I look at a picture of my mom and she looks JUST like uncle Frankie..

When, even after scaring Joey to tears with her outbursts, Annie is able to make him belly laugh.

Feeding my son pizza for the first time!! (shh, don't tell his ped!) lol

Going on a date with Kyle and him only wanting to talk about Joey and his "future siblings"


These are just a few of the Fuzzies that fill my heart until I feel like there is no room for more. I am so thankful for my family!! I can honestly understand the feeling of knowing my family is a gift from my Father in heaven.. not just people I'm lucky to have in my life.

A Pony Ride

I recently took a trip to Tahoe with my mom and my Nonnie. On our way home we stopped at Apple Hill to grab some apple donuts for my Dad.. the police officer. (coincidence?) Anyway.. As we were there I could see memories my family there everywhere I looked. My parents used to take us there in the fall when we were just little kids. Its so much smaller than I ever remembered it. When I was little, I felt like we were walking through a huge forest when we were there. Turns out its just a parking lot with pine trees throughout. The craft tents seemed to go on for days. There really are only a few.. I guess when Nonnie comes along on the day trips a few craft tents are a few too many. I can remember the hill, that I thought to be so steep, that little slanted thing? yeah, well at the base of that hill is the pond that Tony used to ask to fish in. We'd walk by and watch people fishing in what now looks like a shallow puddle. Then.. we came to it. Just past the pond. The part that was the highlight of Caties day. Not mine.. mine was just around the corner in the fudge shop but theres nothing new and exciting to talk about there so I'll get back to what I was about to say... THE PONY RIDES! We'd all ride these tiny little ponys as they walked in circles and we all enjoyed it, but Catie, she was in her glory!! She has always been a horse lover! She always talked about having her own horse and thanks to the Make A Wish foundation, did for some time. Just thinking about how happy it the pony ride made her makes me cry. I wish I had a picture of her riding there at Apple Hill. I'm sure my mom has one somewhere. She was just so comfortable.. Her long, straight brown hair pulled back in a bouncy pony tail. Most likely with a big bow or ribbon tied in it. She had these straight bangs that sat just over her little eyebrows, uninterrupted by a cowlick like mine. They were so pretty! You know when you see a gorgeous painting with the most perfect matting around it? that was how Caties bangs were. They brought out her dark brown eyes that were so little and beady but SO expressive. They were soft and kind. Just like they are now.. She had this huge smile and a laugh that was loud but delicate. Its hard to describe.. and it sounds typical to use the example of an angel but really, when I think about Catie as a little girl I can't think of anything else to describe her. She wasn't just a little girl who liked ponies.. sure, she was just this skinny little girl but she had this bubble around her that was huge and sweet. She was spunky but in a fun way. She wasn't afraid of anything and never got caught up in anything but enjoying every fun moment. I could never just enjoy riding my pony. I was always looking to see who had the prettier one, or how much longer until the ride was over or when we were going to get a freaking caramel apple.. but Catie. She just looked like she was in a different place. Disconnected in a way.. like even before she had short term memory and crap for brain cells, she still had an innocent life that wasn't clouded with reality. Like an angel. Like she couldn't see anything negative. Its almost as if there are flowers and butterflies and cupcakes flying around her while she glides by on this pony. Kind of funny now that I think about it. I just can't seem to find the words to describe what she looked like. Like pure perfection! Like I said, like an angel. She still seems like that some days.. When I see her slouched over in her hospital bed looking thinner and more tired, I can still see that bubble around her. Like, she really is happily riding a pony or something.. so peaceful and untouchable by the world and all that goes along with it. She still has the same kind eyes that just hug you. Sometimes her eye muscles freak out and its like she makes eye contact with you and for a split second its the same Catie that turned around and smiled at me while riding in circles on those ponies. She still has a soft, sweet voice too. Truthfully, Catie hasn't changed one bit since that pony ride in Apple Hill, only her body has changed. Still tho, I wish I could take her to Apple Hill and ride the Ponies as little girls again.

Its probably unhealthy to always wish I could go back in time and be with the old Catie. Probably seems like I don't appreciate her or being with her now and thats not at all the case. I am so thankful for every day she is here, even if I don't get to see her that day. I honestly believe I will always want to go back into the past. I don't think it will ever change.. whether its healthy or not. I will always wonder what it would be like if Catie was healthy and we could bring our kids to Apple Hill together.

Shoot. I need a caramel apple. Make that a fudge covered caramel apple. Okay, okay. Two fudge covered caramel apples with nuts.
If only it was that simple of a fix huh? I'd be a whole lot chunkier if the fudge shop at Apple Hill could cure heart aches. I guess until there is a cure I'll just continue putting band aids over all the little bruises that pop up every time I see something like an anti animal friendly horse pen that reminds me of my sister and the memories we've made.




really tho, wheres my apple?

"thats Joeys mom"

I used to be Kelly. Thats what most people knew me by. Maybe Kelly Anne for the people I know from beauty school and the salon. Kelly Allio (which gets my husband quite annoyed since I'm now, Kelly Wieder) for the people I grew up with knowing my whole life. Kelly uhleeee-o for the doctors and nurses that I grew up seeing for shots each flu season. But now, I am "Joeys Mom." When I go to my family's house, if Joey is not in my arms its, "WHERES JOEY!!!" rather than "hey Kel," and if he IS in my arms then its "MY JOEY!!" rather than "hi Joey AND Kelly!" Its cool. Really. I get it. He's awesome. But its not just at their house! Its anywhere I go! Not to sound completely obsessed and full of myself, but I used to get compliments on my hair or outfit or whatever. Now I'm just the prop that is holding the chunky little blonde mohawk-ed, blue eyed, ADORABLE baby boy, aka Joey.

This may sound like the beginning of a cry for help. The classic, "I've lost myself and I don't know who I am!" kinda deal. The, "I'm no longer me, I'm now 'mom' and I don't matter!" or "I've given up all my talents and dreams" or "I look in the mirror and hate that I've let myself go" stuff. Well, Let me make myself VERY CLEAR. That first paragraph was not a complaint, it is an excited bragging statement!!! I have never felt more like myself than when my life became less about me and all about my son!

I'll be honest, I do have moments, when I feel lousy about the way I look. But shoot, I did BEFORE I walked around with an almost 9lb baby shoved in my torso. So whats there to sweat about?
There are also times when I think about hair. My first true love. The shears, the color bowls. Ahh, the bliss of it all. I think about the people asking me to get a job in a salon or the offers I've been given to travel with people doing hair. I think about the possibility of a booming business and the appointments people are always trying to book and I miss it. I LOVE doing hair.. but I love Joey even more! That is what alot of people don't understand. They say, "I wish I had a talent or job I could do as a mom so i could hold onto parts of 'me' and who I am." As much as I miss the opportunity or dream of Hollywood hair, nothing compares to the joy that my little monster brings me every day.

Now don't get me wrong. Its is VERY important to make time for yourself as a mom. My Nana, mother of 8, is very good at regularly checking up on me and making sure I'm taking time for myself. My mom is also good at it. She constantly says she will watch Joey so I can go home and rest or go do something fun. (I think its just a trick.. she really just wants time with Joey) And trust me, I love taking time to do an up-do on someone, or bake a batch of Cutie Patootie cupcakes or create a cake for someones birthday etc. I love taking the time to sit and draw, even just a quick sketch here and there.. maybe sit at the piano and jot down a little song. Whatever it is, its fun because they are things that I love to do! But the whole time I do them now, my mind is consumed with my son and my man and how I just can't wait to be with the two of them.

I feel so completely blessed to feel this way. To be glad that I lost my old identity and have gained a new one. That my Husband and Son come first in my life. There are so many people that would give anything to be parents, or stay at home moms. I've been given the gift of it and I don't know how long it will last. So for today, I'm thankful and always hopeful to see tomorrow.

I have found what I'm meant to be in this life. Joey's Mom.

Written By Kelly Wieder

Oh my little blog. Funny little thing it is. And so very neglected these days! I started it long ago as a means of stress relieving. I have always had so much stress and anxiety built up over all kinds of things my whole life. My mom said when I was a little girl I would cry because my barbies high heels wouldn't stay on.. Control freak. Yes, thats me. When things are out of my control I don't know what to do but hit my head against a wall and pretend like it won't bruise. ha silly me! Anyway, my blog was helpful. I could log in and type away.. 9o% of my blogs have been drenched in tears, 5% written with the fire of hell seeping through my angry finger tips and another 5% out of pure happiness. So in a way it was good that I had this blog or "therapy session" but when I consider the fact that only 5% is pure happiness I realized that my blog was letting me spill my guts but had no feed back for me. Since realizing this, I stuck my blog in the closet and started looking for real help. The kind that listens and talks back.. so now there isn't any reason to keep blogging. It wasn't until recently that I had a long talk on the way home from Tahoe with my mom (Now that is a whole entry in itself so stay tuned) and realized I needed to dust off the keyboard and get back to blogging.

I always knew I would be printing out every blog entry I've typed and place it in a folder. Never did I think I could possibly turn these entries into a book. I still don't think I could but my Mom says otherwise. She said.. "You need to Kel, like a, 'the life of a sibling' kind of thing." I'm flattered really.. but come on. She also thinks I sing nice, am the most talented hairstylist in the world and she hung my 4 year old art work on her fridge. She's my mother for crying out loud! I started thinking about it though. I thought about the book "special siblings." A book written by the sister of a sibling with special needs. I've read this book 3 times now and I cried every time. Why would I put myself through that? Back in February I blogged about the movie "my sisters keeper" and how it brought so many thoughts to mind and ZING!! thats just it! Thats the whole point. My situation is completely different than those two stories yet the same in so many ways. Its like someone smacked me in the head and said, "woman, you make yourself miserable watching and reading these stories because you like to know someone else is dealing with it too." ya know, misery likes company? Its like someone is jumping of the pages of that book and telling me that its normal to feel like you're the only one and that its nice to be reminded that you're not. That someone else has, is or will be going through the same things I have been, am or will be going through.

Then I started thinking about all the comments I got from people about my blog. Their favorite entries. The entries that made them feel like they were this small (I'm pinching my fingers together lol) because they realized maybe how they lived their life or maybe how their life affects other people and how they are making changes because of it. I've gotten comments from people that I didn't even know knew how to use a computer let alone cared at all to read about my life.

Then I REALLY started thinking. If all of these people are reading my blog and enjoying it or hating it, whichever. What if it could have the same effect on someone that those books and movies had on me? What if someone came across it and saw how annoying I can be and then feels better about themself.. like, "dang this chick is nuts.. I'm not that bad." well, AWESOME!! I'm glad I can make someone feel better. If someone reads a story about me and Catie and starts crying cause they have their own sad story that they are hiding or trying to forget about, then COOL!!! You gotta get it off your chest, I'm glad I could help!

This is the point. I'm gonna get back at this blogging stuff because its not all about me. Its not JUST about the fact that I like to take the time to remember what Catie was like or remember some of my favorite times in life. Its also about the people that I may impact by making them feel like they aren't the only ones. Maybe it can be an escape for people that like to be nosey, like myself, and snoop on other peoples lives to get a break from their own. Maybe I'm just doing this cause my mom said I should. Thats more likely.. either way, here we go..

I have no idea what my book will be called, but I do know you will see 'written by kelly wieder' at the bottom of the cover :)

One Hour Photo

While enjoying a one hour nap today I came across so many snapshots. The kind that you take with your eyes. You know, the kind where you stop in the middle of a special moment, you stare as hard as you can at something and blink your eyes like you'd snap the button on a camera and just like that you store that photo in your memories. I'm not too good and just sitting and going through my snapshots. Seems like if I try to look at them I can't find a single one... but put me in a situation where one of my senses triggers it and all of a sudden I have album upon album opening up.

My nap took place out by the pool today. I hid out in my swim suit and shut my eyes as quick as I could. I played a 2 year olds game of hide and seek with myself.. If I close my eyes so that I can't see my stretched out layer of extra skin from my pregnancy, then no one else can see it! (if thats not how it works I'd rather not know.. so just play along) I plugged in my head phones and entered into my warm sun induced coma.. suddenly over my music I could hear a plane fly over me and instantly missed my Nana.. Poppie and Nana live in a house in so. san fran and from their dining room window you can see the SF airport. Along with the view is the sound of airplanes flying through the sky all day and all night. Its a hum that I love. Reminds me of taking naps in the afternoon sun that would shine through the living room window and onto the, at the time, gold couch that I would lay on.
Later in during my coma, I started to get really hot.. suddenly a cool breeze blew over me and I was all of a sudden laying on the roof of my Uncles boat. I'm in Chico on the lake and its so hot and sunny but theres a cool breeze. my Uncle is sitting beneath me with my brother and they have their fishing poles hanging out the side of the boat. My Aunt is obsessing over my cousin and I since we are on the roof of the boat without our life vests on. My Uncle passed away friday morning. He was more like a grandpa than an Uncle. There was a year and a half of my life where I emailed him almost every day. I could talk to him about Catie and he always replied back with emails that felt like hugs. I'll never forget the email I sent him when Catie was first moved downstairs and placed in a hospital bed. I was so upset but he wrote back and explained that she's not in a hospital bed, she's in a bed that has railings. Seems stupid but it was something I've never forgotten. Matter of fact, catie doesn't use a wheelchair, she uses a chair with wheels. She also doesn't use a feeding tube, she uses a device that we can feed her through.. Some may call it denial, I call it "uncle don-ing" Believe it or not it has helped with each new change I've faced in my life.
After dozing off, I woke up to Ben Folds playing in my ears. Right then I was so excited! It was two in the morning and my little baby was laying across my chest just 4 hours old. I was a mommy and he was my son. His daddy and the love of my life was sleeping right next to us and I felt more satisfied and complete than ever in my life...

I'd say it was a pretty successful nap that I took.. Even managed to get a tiny bit of color on y skin..