One Day At A Time

Count to 10..

2011-04-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Classic anger management technique, count to 10. We've all heard it and I'm guessing have all tried it. Lately I'd have to count a lot higher to 10 to calm myself down if I were going to try that technique. I want to tell everyone off for a number of reasons. I'm finding myself feeling like I did when I was younger and angry and not knowing how to deal with it so I held it all inside. I don't recommend doing that. I can feel the pressure building like I'm about to explode and over little things too! Thats the funny thing. I am pretty sure its because I have BIG things on my mind all day. Big things that are important so when the little things come along like someone blowing me off or flaking or expecting unrealistic things of me, thats when I go crazy. I have justified it in my mind too.. like, "of course its ok and understandable to just tell someone how it is because..." bla bla bla and then I read this:

Ephesians 5:1 be an imitator of Christ.

sheesh. now that is one gnarly form of anger management. imitate the Creator of the universe. The person that gave his life for every single person no matter what they've done or who they are.

good bye anger, you're not allowed to stick around because if I stay angry I will act on it and that can't happen...

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

2011-04-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

There are some moments in this life where I am overwhelmed by gratitude so greatly that I feel like it is impossible to breathe. Its moments when my son runs over to me and plants a soft kiss on my cheek and then tucks his little face under my chin and sighs while rubbing the skin on my face or arms. Then his daddy, the love of my life, gets the biggest smile on his face and says, "wow, you two are the best thing about my life. I love watching you together."

and then I think, "breathe kel, breathe!!"

true suffocating love.

:)

The Invisible Monster

2011-04-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

mental illness.

I feel like if you get too close your mental-ness starts to get ill...

I Am

2011-03-27T21:25:00.001-07:00

so happy. So very very happy!

Girl Time

2011-03-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Mom is out the door for a coffee date with old friends and every single person in the family is gone to one place or another.. its just me and Catie.. As I close and lock the front door I think for one quick second, "cool! Its just me and Catie, we'll have some girl time.." Then I turn the corner to go downstairs with her and I can see her big head in her green chair flopped over to the side while she sleeps and I instantly start to cry. I'm not sure where that idea came from. I haven't thought like that in years.. its like for a split second I forgot that she can't have "girl time." Well, she can if I do all the talking and the conversation is strictly about disney movies, her wedding or her baby shower that she'll have some day. I in no means want to make it sound like I don't love those conversations. Its just that, I forgot that we couldn't talk about babies, parents, husbands, shoes, sha boomboom(as my friend would call it) or what we are cooking for dinner. You know, grown up talk. Most people that have lost someone they loved or were close to knows what its like when you see someone and you start waving at them thinking its your friend/family member etc and then it clicks. That person died. So you waved happily at a complete stranger and now they feel bad that they didn't wave back because you are bawling your eyes out. Thats what that 2 second thought was like with Catie. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I wish she was "normal" so that rather than playing barbies together like I used to wish about, we could talk together. Grab a coffee and walk through target or something. Just spend some quality Girl Time together.

bleh.

its no big deal really. I think its just the rain. rainy days make me poopy. i think. eh..

Life is Like A Vapor

2011-01-30T13:55:00.000-08:00

I spoke with a mom this morning who's son took his life almost 6 years ago. I'm not sure how it even came up now but she began telling me about him, their last conversation, the days after he was gone. While we were talking a song that was played at his memorial came on and she literally gasped, her eyes opened wide and then filled with tears and she began to cry. His younger brother was standing next to her adding in little things here and there about what it was like to lose his big brother. He is younger than me and shorter than me (that doesn't happen often) and I look up to him. He knows what its like to lose a sibling. His mom continued to talk about how she always thinks of my family. She always prays for us. She lost one of her babies but she prays for me and my family. wow.

I stood there listening to her thinking, they are on the other side of what my family is expecting but they didn't see it coming. They didn't have that chance to give one last hug or say a goodbye. And after all that, she prays for US! I kept thinking, they know what its like. Their eyes CLEARLY hold a look of pain. I don't want that. Its what I'm scared of, having those feelings and loss. I also realized though, that they were both talking. Breathing. Laughing. Crying. Feeling. Life has kept going.. not better or ok or any of that but it kept going... I don't think they could ever know how much that the way they trust that all things happen for God's glory has impacted me.

Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them and remember that life is like a vapor.

Hugs & Kisses

2011-01-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

I walked into Caties room to say whats up like usual..

"Hey Cate.. whats up?"

I got a big smile in return with a soft, "hi."
She then reached out her arms for a hug.

"I get a hug?" I asked her..

"mm hmm.."she said, as she pulled me in tight and kissed me on the cheek.

This girl is just too sweet.

Did I Just Say That?

2011-01-08T21:06:00.001-08:00

I'm not one for holding in my opinions. My thoughts, my feelings. I am very honest and don't see the point in beating around the bush as some would say. A lot of people have acknowledged that they like that about me. They wish they had more of that. Some people have even taken advantage of that because they are too scared to speak for themselves so they manipulated me into speaking up for them. I'll be honest. It feels good to be honest. If feels good to just speak the truth. What feels even better is when you speak the truth OUT LOUD and you don't even realize it. Okay maybe it wouldn't feel good if I said something like, "sheesh, Ray Charles could have picked out a better looking sweater." ..But when I say something that I have had buried for years and has slowly eaten away at me it feels good.

So there I was. Sitting on the floor surrounded by a plastic play yard with my 1 year old climbing all over me and pulling on my face. I was crying like I was a hormonal freak that had just given birth and I said it. "She stopped talking to me because all I had to talk about was Catie. Its not my fault that that is all I had to talk about!"

Long story short, I came across someone that was, for the first half of my life, my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING with each other. But then when she started to worry about highschool I started to worry about my sister who I was just told was going to die. I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea all these years later. I understand that my 14 year old best friend wasn't going to be able to fix the problem or change the situation. I did expect them to stick by my side tho. Thats what best friends do. So I thought.. Its not even really about that one friend as much as it was, is, about me. I clearly remember wishing that I had something to talk about. Something "normal" to talk about with "normal" people my age. I didn't tho. People would ask me what I had been up to and my mind would completely go blank. "hurry kel, think of something, ANYTHING other than Catie this and Catie that." but truth is, that was my life. I couldn't see that as something thats ok until now. I didn't realize that its okay to embrace the fact that you spend every day doing things your sibling wants to do. Sure it wasn't fun but it made me who I am. Its who I was then.
I've seen the same thing with Amy and Annie. Recently someone asked Amy what she had been busy with. She replied with school and helping with Annie. The person continued to ask, "but what else? like, what do you do?" I wanted to scream and say LOOK! you don't understand but caring for these kids is ALL DAY NON STOP. If you don't answer a question they scream. If you're not home they scream. You are the only one that knows what doll or movie they are asking for. It consumes you.
bla bla bla. the point is, I didn't ask to be sat down and told my sister was gonna die. I didn't choose the life I was given and I sure as heck do not appreciate being dissed, ignored or treated as less because being a 14 year old caregiver isn't "cool."

I've held on to this hurt for years and now that we are both adults I can see where God has had complete control of my life and has known what is best for me. well, duh. It hurt so much when I was younger and it still hurts now. The difference is, I couldn't see how things would work out when i was 14 like I can now.

It felt good to blurt that out today. Whether I meant to or not, I needed to. Its not healthy to hold stuff in... obviously.

I have to say I am SO thankful for the friends I have today. They listen to me talk about Catie or anything else I talk about and love me no matter what.

Note To Self

2010-12-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

You can't save everyone no matter how hard you try.

Sweet 16

2010-12-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

When did time fly by so quickly? I know things are busy and always changing but why is it that people continue to age through it all?

Amy will be 16 years old on Christmas day. 16!!!! I was sitting in my living room talking to Kerri about what kind of party we should throw Amy and all of a sudden I wanted to throw up. Why aren't they still little girls?

When did Kerri stop slicking her hair back and pulling out her hair bows? When did she stop going by the nick name Eric and accept that she is Kerri and leave her tom boy days behind? When did she stop playing outside with toy guns and sticks and start playing with make up, hair color and clothing accessories?

When did Amy stop crying every day and start comforting other people when they cry? When did she stop playing with barbies and start reading romance novels? When did she start caring less about Pirates of the Caribbean and start caring more about her hair cuts and eye brow waxes?

I still see them as those little girls.. Amy with a pudgy little face and big brown eyes and Kerri with dirt on her cheeks and a crooked grin. Its hard to leave that behind and listen to Kerri talk like an 18 year old or watch Amy act like a 30 year old. (I'd say 25 but she's more mature than most 25 year olds I know so I'll assume 30 is better) Part of me loves it. I love asking them what I should wear or share my girl secrets with them. It feels like that gap that has always been there because of Catie is filling up little by little. The other part of me misses how loud and annoying they were when they were little. Young or old though, I love them so much. I'm so thankful for the two of them. Sometimes I think they feel like I'm just the big sister but if they really knew how important they are in my life and how much I look up to them, not just because of my lack of height, I think they'd be surprised.

I'm thinking a sweet 16 party with cookies and cupcakes.. like decorate both.. like 'sweet' 16.. get it? Maybe then I can stuff my face with sugar instead of crying over the fact that they are growing up so fast..

O Holy Night

2010-11-30T23:56:00.000-08:00

She'd stand tall and brave but I could always see that she was nervous. She'd grip the handle of her cane like a child grips their friends arm while giving an indian burn. You know when you twist your hands in the opposite direction of each other? I'd start to play the intro to the song, more nervous that she wouldn't know when to come in and start singing than I was of messing up on the piano. You never knew when she'd start at the right time and get the words right or when she'd blank out and now we know why. She'd start to sing, "O Holy Night" and suddenly it was like you couldn't hear anything else. It's like the song says, "o holy night the stars are brightly shining." That is what her voice sounded like. It was bright. You know when you drive up to tahoe and you take your first breath of fresh tahoe air when you step out of the car? Or the first step out into the cold night air during winter? Its clear and sharp. Its fresh and appealing. It often times will take your breath away for a split second. That is what her voice was like. Or in the song when it says, "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices!" I can't imagine the sound that people must have heard when Christ was born. The sound of the heavens rejoicing over his birth. But I do imagine it was somewhat like her voice. Loud and powerful but soft and gentle all at the same time. Its like almost couldn't expect it looking at her because she was just small and nervous. But when she hit the high note of the song it would move you to tears. To hear such a sound come out of a child. I try to describe it to my husband. I try to convince him that I don't just remember it to be a pretty sound because she's my sister or because I miss her voice. It really was remarkable.

I beat myself up sometimes for being so very selfish. For wasting the years that she had a voice feeling sorry for myself or even for feeling sorry for myself today over different things. When we were kids, Catie would sing and I would play the piano for her to sing along. It wasn't a big deal, we were a team. But as a kid I can remember being so frustrated that it was mostly about Catie. My blind sister with the pretty voice. I was complimented on my piano playing. Always. But it was never like Catie's voice. I'd feel like JUST the piano player. Just the person that tried so hard to help her memorize the words to her songs and tried so hard to learn the songs so I could play along for her. Like, I did well BUT. But this part should be more like this, or this part should be played like this person plays. I felt like all the people that write books about having a special needs sibling and how playing piano is good but singing when you're blind is a gift. Like i was just a shadow that was attached to the main event. I just wanted to be acknowledged. Noticed. and not taken for granted like playing piano for someone who was mentally challenged was an easy thing for a 12 year old to do. I wasn't treated bad or neglected. I just felt like I wasn't special because nothing was wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I come off as so bitter about it. I really used to be. Now it just makes me sad. It makes me sad that I had those feelings and I let those feelings turn ugly and make me jealous of Catie when I could have just enjoyed it. I could have said who cares! and play for her and listen to her sing. I wish I could have known that her voice was going to be taken away and that those few years we had as our little team together were going to be so short. Back then I wanted it to end. I'd wish that I wouldn't have to be her pianist. But now I just hate myself for that. I'd give anything to be able to sit down with her and play while she sang her heart out.

I was playing some Christmas songs the other day and started playing O Holy Night. Thats what brought all of this to mind. I just started sobbing. I could still hear her voice so clearly in my head while I played each note. It really was angelic the way her little voice carried.. When I close my eyes and listen to it in my mind I really can picture angles rejoicing on a clear starry night. I wish so badly that I didn't have sad memories attached to it. That I didn't waste what I had no idea to be a short time that the two of us would share together. I miss it.

"Take Care"

2010-11-27T21:33:00.001-08:00

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there

It was a straight faced lie
I believed
It was a straight faced lie
You would ever leave me
But for now I'll keep believing your words
And soon enough my strength will return

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Let me draw the blinds for you
You can watch the sunset from
The bed in your hospital room
Until you're sleeping
I'm sure
I don't understand how I found a love so pure

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

Don't lift a finger
Let me show you
The only way to let this go
Don't lift a finger
Let me hold you
Hold you here until the pain it has all gone

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

I'll take care of you oh
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there
I'll be right there
So keep breathing oh
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there
I'll be right there

All time favorite band singing one of my favorite songs. It was written as a love song to the writers girl, but sometimes, on days like today I wish I could sing it to Catie. Some days she just looks like she needs to hear it.. from one sister to another

All Worth It

2010-11-09T21:51:00.000-08:00

We were standing in the store like little kids begging each other for Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear party hats. Kyle and I must have looked like a couple of kids up to no good with no where else to go at 10:30 on a Monday night other than WalMart. Truth is we felt like little kids.. filled with so much excitement for an upcoming birthday party. We finally decided on decorations and then headed straight for the toy isle.. "OMG Kyle, he NEEDS this!!" I'd shout, looking at the fisher price play kitchen. "No babe, he needs THIS!" Kyle pointed to the giant lego box with the set of Andy's Room and all the Toy Story Toys.

We were picking out gifts and decorations for our sons first birthday!! You probably can't see it in the way I type but I am smiling SO very big right now.

What a gift!! To be given a baby. To carry that baby to term, deliver that baby with no serious complications and watch that little baby grow into a toddler over the last year. Not everybody is given that gift and I don't take it for granted. I find myself teary eyed every night as I pray over my little boy and tuck him into bed. This little boy is my life, my everything. He was the size of a poppy seed when God used him to enlighten my eyes and help me see Him for who He truly is. My Savior. A POPPY SEED!!!!

When I stop and think about the last year and all that Kyle and I have experienced as new parents, good and bad, I feel so completely exhausted. I'm not going to lie. I feel so enormously happy and thankful and content and then those sharp pains remind me that my body never fully healed properly from my 24 hours of labor and I feel tired, worn out and "mom-like" along with happy, thankful and content. Thats alot of things to be feeling at once.. I think. Either way, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Standing in a WalMart picking out the right shade of green balloons for my SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY with my HUSBAND makes every empty bank account, stretch mark, new tooth, tear, poopy diaper, frazzled moment, future surgery, long night, interrupted hokey pokey time, lack of hokey pokey time and everything else that we have experienced for the first time in our lives MORE than worth it. My baby boy is going to have a birthday and Kyle and I are the blessed parents who get to humbly be a part of this little dudes special day.

Our Little Monster is Turning ONE!

The Little Things

2010-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a Target Lover. I could visit target every day just to stare at the bright red trim around the ceiling. I check their Daily Deals on my Target App every morning and look forward to Sunday mornings so that I can browse their weekly add. I am an addict. I compulsively give target my money without even giving it a second thought. I take my husbands on dates to Target so I can walk hand in hand with him in my favorite place. I.LOVE.IT! This week was especially wonderful for our relationship. I walked through that store with a giddy grin on my face. One that was much to big to describe. One that could have easily bursted into excited giggles and tears all at one time. Why, you ask?

Sweats.

Not just any sweats..

"Sweats for the whole family!"

There it was in their weekly add, the mixed racial family of 5 in their $5 sweat pans and sweat shirts smiling cheese-ily while posing for the picture. Perfect timing for the sale, as Monday morning brought a chilly drizzle in with the daily grind.

So there I was, walking through target. First Joeys sweats. Size 18 months already! Then Daddys.. size L cuz mommy thinks its hot when daddy wears his baggy sweats like a true gangsta. And Mommys sweats, size M cuz I CAN! cuz I don't need L this winter like I did last. There they were in my arms.. my sweats for MY WHOLE FAMILY.. cause I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY!!!

I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Weird. Boring. Simple. Sure doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.. sheesh. did I really say I was so happy I could have cried? Over SWEATS??!! Say whuuu??? Well I did. Turns out, the "little things" in my life are usually attached to "big things" which take them from "no big deal things" and turns them into "almost cry out of joy in target things."

Caties birthday was Wednesday. She turned 21! What a gift to share that day with her. What an anxious, bittersweet feeling as we waited for it. Its this frustrating thing where you are so happy to be celebrating another year of her life and at the same time afraid its her last. bla bla bla, I've blogged about it a million times. This year however, was different. It was in no way easier to celebrate or less sad than its ever been. But this year was different for me in this way. I have ALWAYS and sometimes still do, feel like when Catie dies I will too. Sounds stupid but its an honest fear, worry, feeling. Whatever you want to call it. Life will not go on without her. My parents will lose their mind and lose interest in the rest of us kids because they will be so caught up in missing her. My siblings will all go different ways because we won't know how to handle it or be together without her. I will not know what to do with myself because I spend every waking moment thinking about her and if she needs me or my help. BUT!! this year, I had sweats for my whole family in my arms. My sons sweats are only a size 18 months. He is just a baby and has his whole life ahead of him. My husbands sweats are only a size L because I have only been married to him for 2 years and have the rest of our lives together to fatten him up. My sweats were only a size M because I haven't blown up into a house with baby #2 or maybe even 3 yet. I have a family. My life is just beginning. I could celebrate Caties birthday this year and know that even if it is her last, I can celebrate what would be her next with MY family. With or without her. Does that mean it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to imagine a day where she's not in her bed downstairs? certainly not. I can't even type about it without crying. I truly feel like we are connected in some weird way. Like they say twins are, ya know?? But anyway, It just means that I will have my best friend, my husband and our sweet baby boy to keep living my life with. Life will go on.

And we have sweats to keep living it in!! :)

Stay By My Side

2010-10-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of January 2010. Catie was in the hospital and we thought she was going to pass away. Mom and I were sitting next to her bed talking. I was holding Catie's hand and tearfully telling mom that I couldn't live without my sister. We looked over and Catie had started crying too. She wasn't sleeping like we thought she was. So we cried together and I told her to stop it cuz everything would be fine...

Stay By My Side -good old war

Family Fuzz

2010-10-09T14:37:00.001-07:00

No, I'm not about to talk about how fuzzy my family is... that is most definitely old news and not that great to talk about. I mean really, who really wants to know the dirty details of waxing, shaving and eyebrows that reach back to your hair line? or back hair mistaken for tattoos? no thanks.

The family fuzz I'm talking about is the good kind! You know those moments that make your heart feel WARM & FUZZY inside?? Well lately, call it being over emotional, you can call it sentimental on a level Joe for those of you that know my dad, but whatever you want to call it, I've got alot of it these days. Mostly because of my son and how I'm so grateful to have him that some days I feel like I will burst with happiness.

These are some Family fuzzies as of lately:

Getting to my parents house to pick Joey up after Bible study, walking over to say goodnight to Catie and her reaching out and hugging me.. don't forget the kisses! there were lots of those too :)

Taking my son to his first Giants game!! I had to keep reminding myself that he didn't care about anything but the french fries sitting on the guys lap in front of us. Let alone, the first time mommy went to AT&T park, or back when the Giants played at Candlestick and Nonni and Poppie brought mommy and her siblings to an SF vs LA game and sat us in the bleachers!! Watching him spot his daddy in the crowd of people was the icing on the cake. I felt like I could burst into a million tears and giggles all at the same time!

Sitting in a quiet office filled with the morning sun with a complete stranger who I had just met and realizing I have a new life, I am my own person and I have my own responsibilities. That my home is my sanctuary, my escape and MY respite. That its ok to be there and enjoy it. Sometimes you need to hear the straight forward truth of the matter from someone on the outside looking in.

Watching Joey dance in Auntie Kerri's arms while he watches Uncle Tony play the drums. He is so young but already strongly admires his uncle.

Seeing Joey with his Grammy, Grandpa, Auntie and Uncle, Daddy and Mommy all in the same room for the first time in months. Prayer does work. My husbands face proved it :)

When Joey would rather be with his Poppie than his own mother..

When I look at a picture of my mom and she looks JUST like uncle Frankie..

When, even after scaring Joey to tears with her outbursts, Annie is able to make him belly laugh.

Feeding my son pizza for the first time!! (shh, don't tell his ped!) lol

Going on a date with Kyle and him only wanting to talk about Joey and his "future siblings"

These are just a few of the Fuzzies that fill my heart until I feel like there is no room for more. I am so thankful for my family!! I can honestly understand the feeling of knowing my family is a gift from my Father in heaven.. not just people I'm lucky to have in my life.

A Pony Ride

2010-09-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

I recently took a trip to Tahoe with my mom and my Nonnie. On our way home we stopped at Apple Hill to grab some apple donuts for my Dad.. the police officer. (coincidence?) Anyway.. As we were there I could see memories my family there everywhere I looked. My parents used to take us there in the fall when we were just little kids. Its so much smaller than I ever remembered it. When I was little, I felt like we were walking through a huge forest when we were there. Turns out its just a parking lot with pine trees throughout. The craft tents seemed to go on for days. There really are only a few.. I guess when Nonnie comes along on the day trips a few craft tents are a few too many. I can remember the hill, that I thought to be so steep, that little slanted thing? yeah, well at the base of that hill is the pond that Tony used to ask to fish in. We'd walk by and watch people fishing in what now looks like a shallow puddle. Then.. we came to it. Just past the pond. The part that was the highlight of Caties day. Not mine.. mine was just around the corner in the fudge shop but theres nothing new and exciting to talk about there so I'll get back to what I was about to say... THE PONY RIDES! We'd all ride these tiny little ponys as they walked in circles and we all enjoyed it, but Catie, she was in her glory!! She has always been a horse lover! She always talked about having her own horse and thanks to the Make A Wish foundation, did for some time. Just thinking about how happy it the pony ride made her makes me cry. I wish I had a picture of her riding there at Apple Hill. I'm sure my mom has one somewhere. She was just so comfortable.. Her long, straight brown hair pulled back in a bouncy pony tail. Most likely with a big bow or ribbon tied in it. She had these straight bangs that sat just over her little eyebrows, uninterrupted by a cowlick like mine. They were so pretty! You know when you see a gorgeous painting with the most perfect matting around it? that was how Caties bangs were. They brought out her dark brown eyes that were so little and beady but SO expressive. They were soft and kind. Just like they are now.. She had this huge smile and a laugh that was loud but delicate. Its hard to describe.. and it sounds typical to use the example of an angel but really, when I think about Catie as a little girl I can't think of anything else to describe her. She wasn't just a little girl who liked ponies.. sure, she was just this skinny little girl but she had this bubble around her that was huge and sweet. She was spunky but in a fun way. She wasn't afraid of anything and never got caught up in anything but enjoying every fun moment. I could never just enjoy riding my pony. I was always looking to see who had the prettier one, or how much longer until the ride was over or when we were going to get a freaking caramel apple.. but Catie. She just looked like she was in a different place. Disconnected in a way.. like even before she had short term memory and crap for brain cells, she still had an innocent life that wasn't clouded with reality. Like an angel. Like she couldn't see anything negative. Its almost as if there are flowers and butterflies and cupcakes flying around her while she glides by on this pony. Kind of funny now that I think about it. I just can't seem to find the words to describe what she looked like. Like pure perfection! Like I said, like an angel. She still seems like that some days.. When I see her slouched over in her hospital bed looking thinner and more tired, I can still see that bubble around her. Like, she really is happily riding a pony or something.. so peaceful and untouchable by the world and all that goes along with it. She still has the same kind eyes that just hug you. Sometimes her eye muscles freak out and its like she makes eye contact with you and for a split second its the same Catie that turned around and smiled at me while riding in circles on those ponies. She still has a soft, sweet voice too. Truthfully, Catie hasn't changed one bit since that pony ride in Apple Hill, only her body has changed. Still tho, I wish I could take her to Apple Hill and ride the Ponies as little girls again.

Its probably unhealthy to always wish I could go back in time and be with the old Catie. Probably seems like I don't appreciate her or being with her now and thats not at all the case. I am so thankful for every day she is here, even if I don't get to see her that day. I honestly believe I will always want to go back into the past. I don't think it will ever change.. whether its healthy or not. I will always wonder what it would be like if Catie was healthy and we could bring our kids to Apple Hill together.

Shoot. I need a caramel apple. Make that a fudge covered caramel apple. Okay, okay. Two fudge covered caramel apples with nuts.
If only it was that simple of a fix huh? I'd be a whole lot chunkier if the fudge shop at Apple Hill could cure heart aches. I guess until there is a cure I'll just continue putting band aids over all the little bruises that pop up every time I see something like an anti animal friendly horse pen that reminds me of my sister and the memories we've made.

really tho, wheres my apple?

"thats Joeys mom"

2010-09-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

I used to be Kelly. Thats what most people knew me by. Maybe Kelly Anne for the people I know from beauty school and the salon. Kelly Allio (which gets my husband quite annoyed since I'm now, Kelly Wieder) for the people I grew up with knowing my whole life. Kelly uhleeee-o for the doctors and nurses that I grew up seeing for shots each flu season. But now, I am "Joeys Mom." When I go to my family's house, if Joey is not in my arms its, "WHERES JOEY!!!" rather than "hey Kel," and if he IS in my arms then its "MY JOEY!!" rather than "hi Joey AND Kelly!" Its cool. Really. I get it. He's awesome. But its not just at their house! Its anywhere I go! Not to sound completely obsessed and full of myself, but I used to get compliments on my hair or outfit or whatever. Now I'm just the prop that is holding the chunky little blonde mohawk-ed, blue eyed, ADORABLE baby boy, aka Joey.

This may sound like the beginning of a cry for help. The classic, "I've lost myself and I don't know who I am!" kinda deal. The, "I'm no longer me, I'm now 'mom' and I don't matter!" or "I've given up all my talents and dreams" or "I look in the mirror and hate that I've let myself go" stuff. Well, Let me make myself VERY CLEAR. That first paragraph was not a complaint, it is an excited bragging statement!!! I have never felt more like myself than when my life became less about me and all about my son!

I'll be honest, I do have moments, when I feel lousy about the way I look. But shoot, I did BEFORE I walked around with an almost 9lb baby shoved in my torso. So whats there to sweat about?
There are also times when I think about hair. My first true love. The shears, the color bowls. Ahh, the bliss of it all. I think about the people asking me to get a job in a salon or the offers I've been given to travel with people doing hair. I think about the possibility of a booming business and the appointments people are always trying to book and I miss it. I LOVE doing hair.. but I love Joey even more! That is what alot of people don't understand. They say, "I wish I had a talent or job I could do as a mom so i could hold onto parts of 'me' and who I am." As much as I miss the opportunity or dream of Hollywood hair, nothing compares to the joy that my little monster brings me every day.

Now don't get me wrong. Its is VERY important to make time for yourself as a mom. My Nana, mother of 8, is very good at regularly checking up on me and making sure I'm taking time for myself. My mom is also good at it. She constantly says she will watch Joey so I can go home and rest or go do something fun. (I think its just a trick.. she really just wants time with Joey) And trust me, I love taking time to do an up-do on someone, or bake a batch of Cutie Patootie cupcakes or create a cake for someones birthday etc. I love taking the time to sit and draw, even just a quick sketch here and there.. maybe sit at the piano and jot down a little song. Whatever it is, its fun because they are things that I love to do! But the whole time I do them now, my mind is consumed with my son and my man and how I just can't wait to be with the two of them.

I feel so completely blessed to feel this way. To be glad that I lost my old identity and have gained a new one. That my Husband and Son come first in my life. There are so many people that would give anything to be parents, or stay at home moms. I've been given the gift of it and I don't know how long it will last. So for today, I'm thankful and always hopeful to see tomorrow.

I have found what I'm meant to be in this life. Joey's Mom.

Written By Kelly Wieder

2010-09-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Oh my little blog. Funny little thing it is. And so very neglected these days! I started it long ago as a means of stress relieving. I have always had so much stress and anxiety built up over all kinds of things my whole life. My mom said when I was a little girl I would cry because my barbies high heels wouldn't stay on.. Control freak. Yes, thats me. When things are out of my control I don't know what to do but hit my head against a wall and pretend like it won't bruise. ha silly me! Anyway, my blog was helpful. I could log in and type away.. 9o% of my blogs have been drenched in tears, 5% written with the fire of hell seeping through my angry finger tips and another 5% out of pure happiness. So in a way it was good that I had this blog or "therapy session" but when I consider the fact that only 5% is pure happiness I realized that my blog was letting me spill my guts but had no feed back for me. Since realizing this, I stuck my blog in the closet and started looking for real help. The kind that listens and talks back.. so now there isn't any reason to keep blogging. It wasn't until recently that I had a long talk on the way home from Tahoe with my mom (Now that is a whole entry in itself so stay tuned) and realized I needed to dust off the keyboard and get back to blogging.

I always knew I would be printing out every blog entry I've typed and place it in a folder. Never did I think I could possibly turn these entries into a book. I still don't think I could but my Mom says otherwise. She said.. "You need to Kel, like a, 'the life of a sibling' kind of thing." I'm flattered really.. but come on. She also thinks I sing nice, am the most talented hairstylist in the world and she hung my 4 year old art work on her fridge. She's my mother for crying out loud! I started thinking about it though. I thought about the book "special siblings." A book written by the sister of a sibling with special needs. I've read this book 3 times now and I cried every time. Why would I put myself through that? Back in February I blogged about the movie "my sisters keeper" and how it brought so many thoughts to mind and ZING!! thats just it! Thats the whole point. My situation is completely different than those two stories yet the same in so many ways. Its like someone smacked me in the head and said, "woman, you make yourself miserable watching and reading these stories because you like to know someone else is dealing with it too." ya know, misery likes company? Its like someone is jumping of the pages of that book and telling me that its normal to feel like you're the only one and that its nice to be reminded that you're not. That someone else has, is or will be going through the same things I have been, am or will be going through.

Then I started thinking about all the comments I got from people about my blog. Their favorite entries. The entries that made them feel like they were this small (I'm pinching my fingers together lol) because they realized maybe how they lived their life or maybe how their life affects other people and how they are making changes because of it. I've gotten comments from people that I didn't even know knew how to use a computer let alone cared at all to read about my life.

Then I REALLY started thinking. If all of these people are reading my blog and enjoying it or hating it, whichever. What if it could have the same effect on someone that those books and movies had on me? What if someone came across it and saw how annoying I can be and then feels better about themself.. like, "dang this chick is nuts.. I'm not that bad." well, AWESOME!! I'm glad I can make someone feel better. If someone reads a story about me and Catie and starts crying cause they have their own sad story that they are hiding or trying to forget about, then COOL!!! You gotta get it off your chest, I'm glad I could help!

This is the point. I'm gonna get back at this blogging stuff because its not all about me. Its not JUST about the fact that I like to take the time to remember what Catie was like or remember some of my favorite times in life. Its also about the people that I may impact by making them feel like they aren't the only ones. Maybe it can be an escape for people that like to be nosey, like myself, and snoop on other peoples lives to get a break from their own. Maybe I'm just doing this cause my mom said I should. Thats more likely.. either way, here we go..

I have no idea what my book will be called, but I do know you will see 'written by kelly wieder' at the bottom of the cover :)

One Hour Photo

2010-06-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

While enjoying a one hour nap today I came across so many snapshots. The kind that you take with your eyes. You know, the kind where you stop in the middle of a special moment, you stare as hard as you can at something and blink your eyes like you'd snap the button on a camera and just like that you store that photo in your memories. I'm not too good and just sitting and going through my snapshots. Seems like if I try to look at them I can't find a single one... but put me in a situation where one of my senses triggers it and all of a sudden I have album upon album opening up.

My nap took place out by the pool today. I hid out in my swim suit and shut my eyes as quick as I could. I played a 2 year olds game of hide and seek with myself.. If I close my eyes so that I can't see my stretched out layer of extra skin from my pregnancy, then no one else can see it! (if thats not how it works I'd rather not know.. so just play along) I plugged in my head phones and entered into my warm sun induced coma.. suddenly over my music I could hear a plane fly over me and instantly missed my Nana.. Poppie and Nana live in a house in so. san fran and from their dining room window you can see the SF airport. Along with the view is the sound of airplanes flying through the sky all day and all night. Its a hum that I love. Reminds me of taking naps in the afternoon sun that would shine through the living room window and onto the, at the time, gold couch that I would lay on.
Later in during my coma, I started to get really hot.. suddenly a cool breeze blew over me and I was all of a sudden laying on the roof of my Uncles boat. I'm in Chico on the lake and its so hot and sunny but theres a cool breeze. my Uncle is sitting beneath me with my brother and they have their fishing poles hanging out the side of the boat. My Aunt is obsessing over my cousin and I since we are on the roof of the boat without our life vests on. My Uncle passed away friday morning. He was more like a grandpa than an Uncle. There was a year and a half of my life where I emailed him almost every day. I could talk to him about Catie and he always replied back with emails that felt like hugs. I'll never forget the email I sent him when Catie was first moved downstairs and placed in a hospital bed. I was so upset but he wrote back and explained that she's not in a hospital bed, she's in a bed that has railings. Seems stupid but it was something I've never forgotten. Matter of fact, catie doesn't use a wheelchair, she uses a chair with wheels. She also doesn't use a feeding tube, she uses a device that we can feed her through.. Some may call it denial, I call it "uncle don-ing" Believe it or not it has helped with each new change I've faced in my life.
After dozing off, I woke up to Ben Folds playing in my ears. Right then I was so excited! It was two in the morning and my little baby was laying across my chest just 4 hours old. I was a mommy and he was my son. His daddy and the love of my life was sleeping right next to us and I felt more satisfied and complete than ever in my life...

I'd say it was a pretty successful nap that I took.. Even managed to get a tiny bit of color on y skin..

Time Flys

2010-05-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

I almost forgot what my password was to log into you. It's been a while and I've missed you. Unfortunately during the last few months of life I haven't been able to find time for you. Its not that I don't love you or want to spend time with you, its just that I don't have the time and when I do I'm too tired to try and have a conversation.

Things have been going well.. My grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage together. My amazing dad ran the Relay for the 10th year in a row. I celebrated my very first mothers day!! Joey has learned to sit unsupported, all by himself and now eats baby food! He also drinks formula that costs more than a lobster dinner costs. We moved into a larger apartment and Kyle and I have our own room again and Kyles got a job at the local radio station which is pretty rad!

Thats about the quickest update I have time for. Like I said, we have our own room again.. gotta go!

I'll write you, hopefully sooner than later.

xoxo

There She Goes

2010-04-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

Last night in the middle of a chaotic dream, Catie walked over and simply said "hi Kelly" and then laughed and it was like it hadn't been years since I heard her little voice so clearly. Then she was gone. Just like that.

Its going to be one of those days where I just wish she could talk to me about grown up things.

At least I can go give her a hug :)

SoulMates

2010-04-05T08:23:00.001-07:00

2 years ago today I married my best friend. Despite what some may have thought about our young age, this marriage has been good to and for us.

I love you Mr. Kyle Alan Wieder and I am so excited for 100 more anniversaries with you.

What Itch?

2010-03-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

It had been a week of trying to figure out what to do and failing when I called my mom in tears on Saturday night, desperate for help. I didn't stop to see what time it was, which I should have since it was Annies bed time. I didn't stop to realize it was Saturday night and she was so tired. I forgot that she had been taking care of Catie who has had a cold. I just called and within 30 minutes she arrived at my door with oatmeal bath, caladryl, cotton balls, chocolate and a smile.

Joey has been fighting a rash that started on his face and has now moved down to his feet. The ER doctor gave us benedryl that hasn't helped which causes even more concern to me as a mom. Trying to solve the problem is what moms do but after a week of zero success and zero sleep I lost it. I couldn't calm down my baby or sooth this itch that was all over his body and lost my cool. I doubted myself and my ability to be a good mom. Thankfully my mom was here in no time helping and before I knew it Joey was fast asleep in his bed. well, for a little while at least. He was finally calm. I still haven't figured out whats going on but I see his pedi tomorrow.

Joey wasn't the only person my mom's super woman abilities soothed Saturday night. As soon as that oatmeal bath was made and Joey was soaking I felt like I was soaking in my own oatmeal bath 15 years ago. We had gotten the chicken pox in the middle of summer. Because we were sick we had to miss a big church party and were devastated. One thing we were too young to realize at the time was that Kathy Allio's children do not miss out on a good time because of hundreds of itchy bumps multiplying on their skin. Matter of fact, when I think about the chicken pox I have no memory of the itch whatsoever. When I think chicken pox I think moms big smile sitting in front of her long curly hair thrown up on top of her head with a ball point pen stuck in it. An Apron covered in a home made glue mix and a giant balloon that she had us cover in strips of news paper. She was making a pinata with us. While it was drying there was a little swimming pool full of oatmeal bath that we swam in and popsicles for in between swim sessions. I'm sure I was whining and crying about itching but like I said, thinking back theres no itch. Just soothing memories. Once again, her oatmeal bath powers soothed me all these years later by soothing my itchy baby boy.

If 'mom' was a flavor of Life Savers I'm positive the hard candy would make quite the comeback.

Sweet Dreams

2010-03-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day some things don't matter. Things like rat infestation in your apartment and management that doesn't want to fix it properly or let you out of your lease. Family-in-law members that lie and exaggerate the truth like little children and make you out to be someone that you are not just because they are threatened by the truth. Friends that use you for your boldness and honesty when they need you to stand up for them but don't stand up for you when you are being lied and exaggerated about. New neighbors that are louder than the street you live on, which trust me, is loud.
At the end of the day I rock my baby in my arms and say a prayer as I tuck him into bed and I look at his sweet face. Then I go out to the living room and sit with my husband, brother and 2 amazing friends and I realize how special it is to have such fabulous people in my life. I think about my mom who was over in a minute after a simple text asking her to come over with no explanation. She was just there for me cause I needed her. I look at our apartment and I'm thankful that although its rat infested, its a roof over our head and we aren't stranded somewhere because of a poor economy or earth quake. I think of my daddy who I didn't even talk to today but he was constantly on my mind because I just needed a hug and he gives the best ones when you feel like you're swimming up stream. I think of my siblings who cheered me up just by walking in the door and seeing their silly personalities bursting at the seams. I think of my Nonnie who is insane and grinds my gears but is still alive and made me smile when I saw her tonight no matter how hard I tried to frown about it. I'm thankful for my husband and that we can be mad at each other, honest about it and fix the problem because we love each other and hate to fight. I'm thankful for our In N Out that we ate for dinner since we can now spend the money on eating out without having guilt reflux build up over it.

I'm thankful that as crappy as today was, I lived it. I was with my family, I cuddled with my husband, I spent time with my closest friends. I kissed my baby good night. Sometimes it just takes until the end of the night when you lay your head on your pillow and thank God for the day that you are able to see how good you really have it. Rats and all.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

2010-03-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

While I was pregnant I did alot of research.. I'd spend time on a specific baby website that covered every single thing you could think of. They even sent weekly emails with special info in them that explained developements your baby was making that week. They also explained everything I needed to know for myself like, why I craved what I did, how to prevent stretch marks for as long as possible, how to exercise properly etc. It was SO helpful! I still get emails each week which is pretty awesome, but now its all postpardum stuff. After the baby comes articles like, how to deal with excessive crying from your baby, as well as yourself, how to deal with your man when he hasn't gotten any in months, how to minimize stretch marks, lose weight, breastfeed and heal your pooch when it looks and feels like it survived a war. All while looking pretty and wearing a smile on your face. ha. So of course there are articles that have tips on how to help your self esteem cause not only was your precious pooch beaten to death, your stomach was stretched out and your ankles became kankles.. ya gotta pretty up your inside before your outside can look good and thats when this article caught my attention. A dr. explained that when you hit that low a few months after pregnancy, make a list of all the things you are proud of that you did from the time you were prego until now. Sounds pretty conceited, especially because I know its only by the grace of God that I survived haha but after a sweet little 1st grader decided to tell me that she was concerned I had another baby that I needed to take out of my belly, I hit my low and decided to make my list. So here goes..

I am proud that I:

Chose life.
Survived morning sickness for the first 16 weeks.
Packed up & drove my sisters through the santa cruz mountains to get them to the relay on time and didn't puke til I got there.
Continued doing hair throughout my entire pregnancy.
Exercised daily up until 8 months.. then I got a liiiittle lazy.
Never made Kyle go buy me food in the middle of the night, no matter how bad I needed it.
Wore a bikini and didn't care.
Made a 2 teir graduation cake for my sister in-law.
Wore makeup and did my hair 75% of my pregnancy.
Shaved everything.. yes. everything.. up until the week I gave birth.
Gave myself a pedicure at 32 weeks along.
Never slapped anyone in the face, now matter how bad I wanted to, for telling me how huge I was.
Gave two haircuts the night I went into labor.
Never ate an entire apple pie in one sitting. I made it last over a 2 day period AND shared some with Kyle.
Never gave in and satisfied my craving for dirt.
Walked up and down the hospital for 2 hours after labor started without any medication.
Didn't cry when the nurse pulled out my first epidural needle and stuck me on attempt #2.
Never screamed at Kyle, even when he ate multiple meals in front of me and then offered me a bite of ice chips during labor.
Never told my mom to stop looking so stinkin happy about me feeling like I was dying. The smiles, they get irritating as your contractions worsen.
Was in labor for 24 hours and pushed for 2 1/2 of it.
Gave birth to an 8.10lb baby who was mostly head.
Never gave up on breastfeeding.
Got my son through his first bad cold at only 4 wks old. Its terrifying, trust me.
Lost 30 of my 35lbs of prego weight in 7 weeks.
Never yelled at Kyle for getting 9+ hours of sleep every night since Joey was born.
Worked my butt off to get my baby on a schedule so that he would be happy and sleep through the night.

Have cleaned up my dirty mouth and didn't even have to chew Orbit.

Have continued exercising so I can be a healthy mom.

Can look at my stretch marks as something that only makes you a prettier woman, no matter what the magazines say.
Am ok with the fact that your hips stay wider after birth. Its so you can balance a baby and a laundry basket on each side.

Survived. :)

Yeah, still feels very conceited but who would have thought.. that Dr. knows what she's talking about! Sitting back and looking at everything makes me feel so much better. Looking at my sweet little family that I don't deserve makes me feel more than better, it makes me feel blessed! <3 I love you my sweet boys!

Lifes a Beach

2010-02-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

So our lease is up in September.. Kyles thinking of moving to Dixon, I'm thinking more tropical. Less farm land, more beach. Less grocery store, more bananas and fire grilled fish. Less housing more huts. Less people more us. Just the 3 of us and maybe two great danes, just like Swiss Family Robinson. Of course, I wouldn't want to be stranded there. It would be ideal if we could leave and come back but no one could get to us haha.. that way we could go visit our family on the weekends if we wanted or run to target every once and a while. There would be NO cell service though and no phone lines.. and internet would be kind of like transportation. We could fb and email people but they can't fb or email back. Sounds like some ideal living to me :) Then we wouldn't have to hear about who hates who, who deserves what, who is right and who is wrong. No more hate between friends and family, friends and friends, family and family. No more drama basically. I will admit, I'm a drama addict and in order to get help I gotta get away maybe? k, thats just an excuse to live in my tropical home, but still. I had a good talk with my mom about distance and how healthy it can be. How the slightest bit of distance can make some relationships last longer and stay healthier so they don't ever come to an end. It was a good talk. My mom is a wonderful example to me and an amazing friend. I'm so thankful that I can tell her ANYTHING and she gives me the counsel that I need, not always want. She's level headed and gracious. I love her.. maaaaybe she can come to our tropical home... just maaaaybe.

Most likely we will just end up in Dixon and my tropical dreams and great danes will have to wait, but that doesn't mean that my husband and I aren't setting boundaries for ourselves and our son. Some distance. Its awkward at first maybe, but so healthy in the long run. And by boundaries I don't mean no cell service lol.

My Sisters Keeper

2010-02-13T10:48:00.001-08:00

I watched this movie last night and didn't know what I was in for. I had a feeling it would be sad but I had no idea it would hit the nail on the head. I fell asleep cuddled in my husbands strongs arms with a stuffy nose and teary eyes. I couldn't believe how similar some of the situations were and how well they grasped the reality of having a sick family member. I was amazed at the scene where the family is getting ready to take their last trip to the beach. The two 'healthy' siblings were getting things together, stopped and stared at each other with the same look Tony and I have shared before. Its that look that says a million things at once like, I know this is her last ___ or, what if she dies after she ___ ...You are too scared to be the one to say all your thoughts out loud but you know you don't have to because your family is having the same exact thoughts race through their head at the same time. Or how 'bout the scene where the family is sitting in the hospital room the day of their daughters/sisters death and the crazy friends and family are going on and on about "just having to think the cancer away" or "just focus more" and sharing crazy stories that aren't true about people in different situations that don't apply to the situation at hand. These scense pulled me into the movie because they are so real. So real that I started getting jealous of different parts of the movie.

I became jealous when the little sister sat at the table and told her parents how angry she was at them for certain things. In the real world that is impossible because you would only cause more damage to them. When your a kid you can't see the whole picture. You don't see your parents fighting to take care of both kids, healthy and sick. You only see what hurts you and frustrates you without understanding why.
I became jealous when the two sisters where laying outside on the grass together talking about boys, each other, life and death. I haven't shared moments like that with Catie since we were little girls. I miss it. I miss being able to have a normal conversation with her. I was jealous because even though this kids sister was sick and dying, they could still talk and share secrets.
I became jealous toward the end of the movie when the sister was dying and was able to tell her siblings she loved them and goodbye. Maybe its good. Maybe it would be harder to clearly be able to say good bye at the end of Caties life.
I was jealous during the funeral scene because her life was over and it was time for them to move on. At Caties funeral we will be thinking about Annies in the future.

Its stupid how into it I got.. that I was so jealous of a story that isn't true. Thats just the thing tho... its not a true life story but it portrays many true life stories that have existed and are still being lived...

One thing that movie did for me was make me thankful. I was SO thankful for my parents. I would think as a parent of sick and healthy kids that this movie has the ability to make you feel like a bad parent. I think they could have portrayed the parents a little differently. At the same time tho, think about it, it is pretty realistic. You have two kids playing outside. They both trip on each other and fall down. One has a scratch on their knee and the other doesn't. Which kid do you pick up, set on the table and put a band aid on? The kid with the scratch. Where is the kid that fell but didn't get a scratch? walking beside their parent and sibling over to the table and watching their sibling be taken care of. Now look at the same situation on a larger scale.. You have a terminal kid that needs constant care and although the healthy sib is hurt too, they are healthy so the stay along side and watch the terminal sib be taken care of. That is something you can not understand when you are young and the reason you'd wish you could sit at a table and scream all your feelings out. But that doesn't mean parents don't do the very best they can. My parents are amazing for many reasons. The care the give to each of us kids is one of them. I can't imagine how it must feel to have to take care of both but I know my parents do the best they can and that is where I felt the movie wasn't mirrored to our family situation.

The movie also made me thankful for Batten Disease. They say its one of the worst diseases a child can have but if you ask me, I'll take 2 batten sibs over a cancer sib any day. I know, I know, its completely different but still. Its easy to feel like you're alone in your fight for life with your siblings but this movie reminded me that it could always, always be worse...

Overall I think it was an amazing movie. The perfect picture of the extremes you go to as a parent to keep your child alive and the extremes you'd go to as a sib to make your sibling happy.

To Whom it may concern...

2010-02-13T10:24:00.001-08:00

Dear Debbie-Downer,
Two years ago I had a conversation with you that I will never forget. You asked me when my new husband and I planned to have children. I answered your question and you continued the conversation by telling me I was wrong. You told me that it would be selfish of me to have children while my sister Catie is alive because she wants to have a baby so badly. It would make sense that you would feel this way for two reasons. First, you are a very negative person. I remember your smiles, majority of the time, were only on your face because you were talking about food or making fun of someone. You were never happy and were excellent at finding the bad in everything. Even when it didn't exist, you made it. So it would make sense that in an exciting situation, like a new life, you'd have to go and be negative at the thought. Second, you don't know Catie. She became an inconvenience and then non existent in your life so it would make sense for you to assume she'd be upset if I were to ever become pregnant, because you don't know her. You don't know what makes her happy.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but there is thing called Survivors Guilt. Google it. I struggle with it and although I knew how ridiculous your comments were, I still couldn't get them out of my head.
Exactly 1 year later I ran into you again, this time 2 months pregnant. Rather than congratulate me on my pregnancy, you doubtfully questioned Caties happiness in the situation. I want you to know that when I found out I was pregnant, your comment was one of my first thoughts. That makes me so angry because like I said, it was ridiculous and yet, I still allowed myself to think about it and wonder if it could be true. I'm happy to inform you that I did tell Catie I was pregnant and she was so excited to become an Aunt. One year later she is still happy to be an aunt. Matter of fact, the only thing about my baby that does upset her is having to wait her turn to hold him every day.
I used to hope I'd run into you. I couldn't wait to point my finger square in your face and accuse you of being all of the things that make you who you are. Thankfully, I never did run into you and that gave me time. Time to think about it a lot and realize how hurtful that would have been to you. After all, "an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." Who am I to think that lecturing you would change you? It won't. I just want you to know that you are capable of hurting feelings and maybe you could be more careful with the next sib you talk to. I want you to know that I am no longer mad at you, but rather sad. I feel sorry for you when I think about the situation. I can't understand being able to think the way you do and I only hope and pray that one day you will know a true happiness and peace that passes all understanding. Then you can have smiles that mean something wonderful.
I've attached some pictures that I took of Auntie Catie and baby Joey cuddled together. I hope you'll take some time to look at them and hopefully realize how precious of a gift it is for me to see my baby sister hold my baby boy and enjoy it. I feel like I should thank you because if you hadn't made such a big deal about my life and the people in it, I probably would not appreciate the moment as much as I do.

Take care,
Kelly

p.s. My baby is cuter than your 3 babies and your grand baby combined..

what?? You really think I'd leave out the spunk in one of my blogs? psh...

Barbie Legs

2010-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

I unwrapped the plastic packaging and then unrolled my new pink yoga mat given to me by Santa this Christmas.. I love yoga.. its so relaxing and it feels so refreshing and Santa knows that.. Even better than the feel of a good yoga sesh is the smell of the mat. That brand new rubber smell. If you could get high off of sniffing yoga mats I would have been stoned outa my mind the other day.. I got behind in my follow-along-work out dvd because as soon as I got ready for my push ups I could smell the rubber. Just stop and imagine it for a minute. Alone in the living room, you can hear the way too in shape work out instructor getting even more ripped and there I am, face down on my gut caressing my mat in my hands. My eyes are closed and I'm sniffing in as long and as hard as I possible can, over and over. So if you ever wonder why my arms are flappier than an elephants ears its because I'd rather sniff rubber than do my push ups. oh, and I love food.
anyway..
This smell of rubber not only smells amazing but triggers amazing memories.. or so I thought. I guess they are amazing now but at the very moment these memories were made it was nothing more than a feeling of excruciating pain.
The smell of my new yoga mat smells JUST like the smell of a brand new Barbie. You know, when you pull back the pink tabs on the box and slide out the cardboard insert that Barbie, her brush and shoes were attached to? I couldn't wait to run my fingers through her silky fake hair but of course it was always tied down so there was that quick rush to free her from her packaging. Its like you couldn't do it fast enough and back in my day(yes I'm now old enough to say that) Barbie was just strapped in with some thin thread.. not all that plastic crap that'll break your scissors trying to cut her out of. I'd snap the threads and my new barbie would be free! Free to be sniffed! haha man I'm weird. Its the truth though.. they had that fresh brand new Barbie smell that smells like Christmas morning or your birthday.
If you knew me as a kid you'd understand why I got so excited over little things like taking Barbie out of her box. I LIVED Barbie. I had Barbie travel cases to keep just enough barbies and clothes to last an over night trip to Nonnies.. I had Barbie motor homes.. Barbie swimming pools.. Barbie Jeeps, kitchens, houses.. you name it! and then, there was the tub. My pride and joy. My life. My everything. It was a big blue plastic tub with a lid and inside lived 52 Barbies. Yes, I remember the exact number.. you'll understand why in a minute. I loved each one of my Barbies like nothing else, but you know who didn't love them like I did? Catie. Catie loved dogs. Playing dogs that is... She was aaaalways on her knees licking the top of her hands like paws, growling at whoever she was mad at for the moment and always explaining what kind of dog she was, her name and her coloring. She even ate a piece of dog food once from the back yard.. this kid didn't mess around. Since she didn't mess around and had to be as much like a dog as possible, it would make sense that she would have to have a bone. What dog doesn't have a bone? Even better question.. what dog doesn't have a pile of bones! Its every dogs dream to have them piled high just like in the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven.. So Catie found herself a pile of bones.. She found them attached to the bodies of my 52 Barbies in my tub. Thats right.. she pulled off the legs of almost all of my barbies leaving legless torsos behind for me to find in my tub. Not even the silkiest blonde barbie hair could make them look beautiful again. They looked like they had been in a war with GI joes and little green army men. They had lost. I can remember like it was yesterday, walking over to my tub, pulling the lid back and my stomach turning. Being the cry baby that I am, I instantly starting bawling my eyes out. I can still see all the halves just piled in the tub with skirts and pants mixed in around them. I had about 10-15 survivors but the rest never made it. Now thinking back, I'm surprised Catie ever made it.... I was furious and now that I stop and think about it, at 22 years of age I'm still very bitter. You can't recover from a loss like that! All the years of collecting, dressing, hair brushing, accessorizing... ruined by a greedy dog that needed a pile of bones. I take it back.. this isn't an amazing memory..

So thats about as relaxing as my yoga sessions get.. I get high off my yoga mat and then think about old memories and my blood pressure rises until I'm steaming out the ears again.. I think its really doin something for me.. really working out those angry muscles in my face.. mm yeah.. that feels goooood.

RIP my Barbies.. I know you're in a better place where the streets are pink, you have your own pink castle and there isn't a dog in sight.

Chooch

2010-01-29T14:51:00.000-08:00

Funny that Joey has an Auntie that is 11 years old.

Even more funny that I have to label Joeys pacifiers so that they don't get mixed up with his 11 year old Aunties pacifiers.

I love this life.

<3

Mommyhood

2010-01-26T14:32:00.001-08:00

Amazing how one person can change your life.. I have been amazed by that ever since I met my sweet husband but now I am more amazed than ever.

He was the size of a poppy seed when I first saw his picture on an ultrasound machine in a small doctors office last April and he was an 8 lb 10 oz wrinkled and gray little human when I met him in person for the first time. My life will never be the same. It changed when I found out I was pregnant because of course you become more worried about the little person growing inside of you than you worry about yourself. Everything you eat, drink and breathe affects that baby. You can't even lay or sit certain ways.. But when he was born my life changed in a more ways than just physical and I believe, for the better.
I now look at him and I see a future that I'm responsible for. I look at his outside appearance and check to make sure he is healthy every day. That he is clean, fed and comfortable. Then I look at his eyes and I think about his heart and soul. I think about the people in his life that love him and the people in his life that he will love. I think about his eternal life and pray that he has a faith and a love for God that is his own. I look at him sometimes and I cry because I love him so much and I think about being in my parents position. What would I do if I sat down in a doctors office and was given a time line for my little boy? I also get excited and think about watching him grow and learn. I have always heard people say they would do anything for their child. That they want the very best for their child. That even though its impossible, they want to protect their baby from everything that can harm them in a physical, emotional and spiritual way. I now understand exactly how they feel when they say those things because thats how I feel. I feel blessed to have Joey in my life and I feel undeserving. There are so many people in this world that want to be parents and that would make fabulous ones, why should I get to be a mommy? I also think of all the kids in this world that don't have moms or dads or do and are mistreated by them. That makes me want to be the best parent possible. I look at Joey and for the first time I enjoy working out and exercising. I also don't mind counting calories and skipping out on mochas and ice cream. I want to take good care of my body so that I can take good care of his. I look at my Bible sitting on the ottoman and cringe cause I'm lazy but then I look at Joey and I can't get that Bible open fast enough because I want to be able to teach him unconditional love, wisdom, faith and morals that are deeper than "don't tell a lie cause its bad cause it is." I suddenly don't want to spend money on silly things for myself because I want to have as much saved for him as possible for any situation that arises or for any of the latest toys that he desperately needs. =)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, wait.. you may want to sit down for this, I care more about him than I do myself! SHOCKING!!! Kelly Anne? put someone before herself? Impossible!!! But so true.. Don't get me wrong, I still care enough to shower, do my hair and makeup and wear more than sweats all the time cause I'm still a wife too and we wifeys gotta be lookin good for our men! But when it comes to every aspect of life, Joeys needs are top priority. I love it. I love having him in my life. I love being needed and I think I love it so much because Catie has always needed me but only will for a short while longer and when she's gone I'll still have my Joey who will always need me in more ways than Catie ever could. I love that this little chunk that cries and poops has made me want to be a healthier, happier and more spiritual person.

Like I said, I'm more amazed than ever before. He will never know the impact he's had on my life in 2 months until he becomes a parent himself.

I love you my little monster! Thank you for making Mommy a better person!

BFFs

2010-01-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

Strange how quickly time passes and there is so much craziness as it passes that its easy to forget how much you've experienced in your life. As I fed my sweet baby his bottle the other morning I was amazed at his gorgeous blue eyes, just like his daddy's. I was suddenly reminded of the first time I saw Kyles blue eyes and was thrown into the biggest crush ever...

He was one of Tony's closest friends.. I met him for the first time on Tony's birthday dinner at the house.. I remember Tony and his friends watched a movie after dinner and I joined them.. It was Tony, Rob Hampton, Aaron Seminoff and Kyle.. I hardly even noticed Kyle since I was so into Tony's other friend haha I thought he was super cute.. then again, at 15 what tall blonde isn't cute? Not long after that Tony played a show with his old band and Kyle was there again but I was still crushin on the other one.. I got ditched by Tony and my crush and not knowing anybody there and the venue being closed I ended up in Kyles car with him and my now brother and sister in law. I clearly remember thinking "these people are crazy!!" Kayla and Michael just fought over stupid stuff the whole time while kyle yelled at them to shut up.. Nothing has changed 7 years later. A few months later it happened. I saw him in a whole new way and I don't know what it was that changed. I was sitting inside a gym with Tony waiting for a class to start and Tony said, "sweet Kyles here." I looked over and there he was, walking up to the door in a gray hat with his long curly hair resting on his shoulders.. He had a band shirt on and blue dickie shorts with skate shoes and ugly white ankle socks. He had a funny walk but You would have thought there was a bright light shining behind him. He walked in the door and started talking to Tony. I couldn't stop looking at his bright blue eyes and his rosie cheeks as he smiled.. I had such a crush and didn't know why! He was nothing like anyone I had ever liked.. I was way into the clean cut american eagle boys with nice hair and tan skin.. this guy was so grunge!!! It wasn't long before Tony found out I loved his friends smile so he'd take me to Baskin Robbins to visit him at work and Tony would say, "wanna see his smile?" in a teasing way to embarrass me and he'd crack a joke to make Kyle laugh.. I remember thinking, this guy has no style but man! I can't stop starring at him!! Pretty soon Tonys ex hired me on at Baskin Robbins.. Kyle trained me on my first day and soon I became his boss. He had a girlfriend and I completely respected her as that.. even if she was half man and a total meanie head. I think everyone at the store knew how much I was into him except for him.. We got along so well though. We worked great as a team and always had a blast.. Then it happened.. the day I waited for for a year and a half.. she dumped him!! And boy was I there to run in a grab what was mine.. We had our first date on Valentines day of 2005. Most awkward date ever.. He was late to pick me up, then had to come inside to meet my dad since my dad couldn't remember which friend of Tony's it was that was picking me up. He brought me a red rose.. I'm shocked that the fumes of all his cologne didn't kill it on the way over.. He was wearing a black beanie with his long curly hair still resting on his shoulders.. he had earings and chuck taylors on. My dad was pretty surprised that I was so excited to go on a date with a grungebutt. He sat nervously on the couch while Kerri and Amy glared at him. Finally we were off to dinner.. Fresh Choice with Tony and his ex. We sat and ate while we watched them fight.. after that entertainment we were off to a nursing home to visit Nonnie. Awkward. Then I gave him his valentine and some chocolate in the car and he tried to kiss me.. REJECTED! So we went and got some ice cream at work.. We ran into tony and his ex there and they were still fighting.. Then it was back home by 10 and I was nice enough to hug him. I remember getting on AIM as soon as we got home and him telling me he was so glad he at least got a hug from me, he was going crazy! Even after the weirdest first date, we knew within days that we would become girlfriend and boyfriend. We just got along way too well.. it was easy! We were ourselves with each other from the start.

Thinking back it feels like we were on that date yesterday. Strange to think that 4 years and lots of ice cream later we are married with a son. I feel blessed every day when I thank God for my boys. I love that I had such a huge crush on him for so long and now I get to wash his dirty clothes. How crazy is that? Its so true though. I love him and I know we were made for each other.. He is my best friend forever and I am his.. I couldn't imagine my life any other way..

I love you baby!!!

Huuurl!

2010-01-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

Craziest Roller Coaster Ride of my life yet. So crazy that I literally had that feeling where youre gonna puke and its stuck in your throat and you fight to keep it there so it doesnt make its way out.. gross, I know, but at least I'm not talking about c-diff.. my newest obtained medical info. Now thats some nasty crap.. literally.

This last week my family came closer than ever before to losing Catie-Nana. You could imagine the relief that was felt as she sat in her cozy green chair last night with her new blanket that she had explained was from her friend Sandy. The best feeling was when she asked for pizza for dinner.. like nothing had ever happened.

At one point in the hospital my dad put his arm around me and asked if I was ready for this..anybody that knows me could answer that one.. he went on to explain that he could be ready in two years..knowing that he will never be ready I realized how desperate we all were for more time. Someone had made the comment that we should be ready since we have known this was coming for years... how ignorant. Thats one thing that is always brought to my attention in these situations.. sucky people. I'm not even going to sugar coat it cause I dont sugar coat anything but cookies and cupcakes. To be honest though, I have never been more disapointed and more encouraged at the same time in my life by people. We all know how I always see the negative first and then have to make myself chill out and look for all the positive... thats why at the end of day one in the hospital I had even thought to make a visitor tally.Thats also why in all my blogs I start off in biotch mode and end with happy thankful mode. So here we go..
Can I just ask a question?
Where the hell was our family through all of this? At the closest possible time of Caties death where were her cousins, aunts and uncles? She had 3 family members visit her and that number would have been 8 had it not been for a surgery, a temp of 103 and possible pneumonia. But why wasnt the number of family members coming to give Catie their love and my parents some support over 30+? If I could just be given a reason maybe I wouldnt be so frustrated.. is our family tired of hearing about it? is she old news? I dont get it.. if she hadn't come home what would they have told me at her service that I could believe to be genuine? I can't believe that no one knew how serious it was since all of our friends new without even being given details..

now for the happy stuff..
All of the lack of interest/concern from family toward the situation was a good thing because it showed me who our real family is. Our friends. Not my friends that I've grown up with over the years.. graduated kindergarten, junior high and highschool with (and please don't tell me you didn't know about it cause we all live our lives on fb) I'm talking about everyone else.. The 50+ people that came to visit Catie and bring food and cards to my parents.. the friends that just came and sat next to Catie.. the friends that brought dinners to my siblings and made themselves available for worst case scenarios.. the friends that came and prayed over my parents and Catie multiple times. The friends that blew my phone up with text messages even when they themselves were sick and in and out of the doctors..

I know it shouldn't matter because I know everyone cares about Catie, our family included and the love, encouragement and support from so many friends should be enough. I really don't think some people realize how much support helps get through a situation like this. How much it means when people take the time out of their life to stop and pay a visit. Stop and make a phone call. I mean, if you can call when you're half way across the U.S. in a blizzard and a freezing cold mini van, I'd like to think you sure as hell could call from solano county, the bay area or sacramento.

I always read my moms emails that she sends out.. (yeah, the whole thing tony haha) and I'm amazed. I don't know how my parents stay so positive. Just another reason I look up to them so much. But just because 99.9% of the time they are positive doesn't mean that they aren't hurt for the same reasons I am. Its just life I guess... Its just me throwing myself a pity party like usual and not knowing how to grieve without getting mad at everyone thats not there for me or my family instead of getting mad at batten disease. I'm the only one that can get rid of the bitter half of my blogs and the bitter half of my thoughts and feelings..

I love how I have to type a novel to realize this stuff.

Anyway.. these things really do make me feel like I'll puke everywhere.. but then things calm down and I find myself sitting in the same room as Catie at home and I'm fine again.. I have more time to spend with her and try and figure out how to handle everything the next time around... oi.. Lets hope its not for a long time...

Now that all that steam has been let off..

Caties Vistor Tally

2010-01-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

Because I pay attention...

Friends 27
Family 1

Ciao 2009

2010-01-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

A list of some of my favorite memories made in 2009

January
Tony, Kyle and I celebrated the life of Frank J Pompi one night after he passed away. It was a sad night but one I'll always remember and love.

February
I celebrated New Years Eve with Catie and Annie. They had no idea they were listening to a youtube replay at 630 in the evening.
I also wrote 3 songs that I recorded with my husband in the studio. I felt so tight for writing songs, singing and playing them.
I made a baby and didn't even know it. :D

March
I was reminded of the importance of my dads career and the danger he puts himself in every day. I started loving my dad even more than I ever had or even thought possible. He's always been my hero, that month just gave me an even stronger respect. RIP Oakland officers.

April
I found out I was PREGNANT!!!
My husband and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary. Love you baby!
I saw Lily Allen ( my cruuuush!! ) in concert

May
I saw my baby in an ultrasound for the first time in my life.

July
I found out I was having a boy!
My husband graduated from college with a BAS in Audio Engineering

August
8th Annual Tahoe vacation with the fam
I made home made pasta sauce for the first time

September
I had a 3D ultrasound and saw my sons face for the first time
I started volunteering at the AWANAs program at my dads church
I had a photo shoot with Joey in my belly
I got a new car!

October
I was given a baby shower
I saw TTNY in SF
I celebrated Catie's 20th birthday with her
I purchased my brothers record, Road Maps and Heart Attacks
I went to DisneyLand with my family for a day <3

November
I was given another baby shower
I gave birth to my baby boy, Joseph Alan!!

December
I woke up on Christmas morning with my Husband on the right of me and my son on the left. xoxo

Talk about a good year!
Peace out 2009!

Pinch Me

2009-12-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

Ya know those moments that feel so unreal? Like you need to pinch yourself to make sure you're not asleep? This is one of them.
I'm sitting by our Christmas tree feeding Joey and Im amazed that I have a son this Christmas morning. Last Christmas morning I saw my uncle for the last time as I stood next to his hospital bed and held his hand.
This year my family not only has a new little life to celebrate but hes mine! This year Im a mom, a Santa Claus and the happiest Ive ever been in my life because of it.

Today I can't see my parents and siblings because some of them are sick and we cant risk Joey catching it. I had a good cry with a smashin pity part when reality set in about this but since have been able to find some sweet things in this holiday to be thankful for like the fact that I cant spend another Christmas with Catie but not because shes with us anymore. Shes here celebrating another visit from santa and I'll see her in a week or so.. heck theres alot, I'll make a list of the best things like...

my 3 hugs from my Aunt Cathy yesterday that she obviously knew I needed more than I did.

my aunt marianne hosting xmas eve last minute so we could all be together.

watching my 3 little cousins from China, little Jake and my Joey all be together on Christmas for the first time.

Spending Christmas eve with my Nana and Poppie. My favorite couple of all time.

Seeing my dad and Amy out for a walk right by our apartment right as we were pulling up at home and flipping the fastest bitch of all time to go drive by and say hi.

Getting a call from the next generation of Poppie Santas. A lifelong tradish for us kids to get a phone call from our poppie disguised as Santa every year has now become a tradish for my dad to do since he is a Poppie this year. Joey wasn't in the mood to talk to Santa but it made my day.

Just some of my top fave things so far and its only Christmas morning! so far so good.

Merry Christmas!
xoxo

Change Can Be Good

2009-12-10T08:10:00.000-08:00

Relief is one thing I didnt imagine feeling after my son was born. I mean sure, relief for my knees and heels and back but Im talking more emotional relief. I was almost positive Id have more stress because Id be trying to take care of my son and feel guilty for not taking care of Catie and Annie as much as I was. I thought this because a while back when one of the Batten kids became an angel I had a panic attack and I remember saying "my life will end with Caties life" over and over. My husband calmed me down and reminded me of the baby growing in my belly and assured me that he will become my priority and the one I care for most and that I will continue to care for him when Caties gone. I didnt believe him but now I know I should have. This little guy has become my life. I even feel like hes giving me a new life or at least helping me live the one Ive already been given. I dont dwell on losing Catie anymore.. and its not to say I dont feel bad for not helping with the girls but I dont let it take over me for missing one of their baths or showers.

I guess Im trying to say it feels so amazing to take care of a person that doesnt have an expected departure date.. To know Joeys going to grow with each feeding rather than wonder how much longer Caties mobility will allow her to eat before her tube is in full use. Little things like that. I guess thanks to Joeys life I finally understand my moms obsession with the word HOPE because I finally understand the meaning.

A Labor of Love

2009-12-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

I have found a greater respect for my mom. For all moms. For the moms that are never there for their kids and the ones that are over bearing. For the moms that have been mothers for years upon years and moms who's motherhood stopped in the delivery room. For moms that embrace their children and those that embrace safe baby havens. If you've been through labor you have my full respect. It truly is a labor of love to bring someone into this world no matter what follows after that little baby is welcomed into the world.
I'm a mom now and this is my Labor of Love Story.

Sunday Nov. 22 Kyle was off for the day and his alarm failed. We missed church because we overslept but decided to make the best of it. We chilled in bed talking to my belly trying to convince Joey to come out so we could meet him. We told him to come out that night so daddy wouldn't have to work at 4am monday morning. Then we decided we'd do all we could to push him along. After all, people are convinced that certain things will put you in labor, I personally still believe the only thing that puts you in labor is a baby thats ready to come out but still, it was fun trying!
We "got to know each other" since everyone including the labor and delivery nurses said that it would induce labor..
then we went to pietros and got an all meat pizza.. 7 meats.. not my style but they say the meats really get things moving..
after lunch we took a nice long walk around downtown since gravity is said to move things along also..
After our relaxing date we headed over to my family's house and then his and we spent the afternoon catching up with our favorite people.
That evening I started having contractions but they weren't too painful and they were very far apart so I didn't think about it..we went home and went to bed and I was up all night with horrible contractions but for some reason didn't think about it at all.. I just kept sleeping inbetween them.

Monday Nov. 23 Kyle went to work at 4am. While he was there he was offered a job at the local radio station. good thing joey didn't come the night before!
I stayed home all day cleaning up.. My sister in law shook her head at me while I vacuumed and said to chill out since I was about to pop.. little did she know. Later that night I ended up giving Tony and Kyle haircuts and thats when the contractions really kicked in! Then it was off to the mall to get some much needed clothes for my hubby since I knew he'd have to go without for a long time if we didn't go that night.. little did I know.
Thinking back I can't believe myself for doing all that I did that day. I should have been at home relaxing not cleaning, cutting and shopping!

We got back from the mall and went for a walk which made my contractions jump from every 5 min to every 2 minutes.. I went home and took a hot bath to see if that calmed them down and sure enough it didn't.. we were on our way to the hospital and arrived there at exactly 1opm.
They hooked me up to the monitors and checked me but I was only 1 cm dilated.. they won't admit you until you're 3. Thankfully since we had come from vacaville they said we could stay in the hospital and walk for 2 hours and they'd check me again.. desperate to have our baby and not have to go home we walked. For 2 hours straight up and down the empty hospital halls.. SOOO crappy!!! I thought my back was going to snap in half! After 2 hours we went back and got hooked up and checked again.. I was still only 2 cm but my contractions were insane so the doc said he'd let me stay while he did a c section and if I could get to 3 by the time he was done in the OR he'd admit me otherwise we were on our way. In the next hour my contractions took off and I was in full on labor.. I don't know how to explain the pain but man. I still can't believe how bad it hurts.. Finally I was checked again and at 3 cm so I was admitted and thankfully given my DRUGS!!!! then it was chill.. I couldn't feel anything from my belly down and if I could get epidurals in pill form I'd go numb every weekend.. coolest feeling ever.. anyway.. I ended up getting stuck at 3 cm for 5 hours before they finally gave me pitocin to speed things up.. 5 hours later my water broke, 1 hour later I was at 8 cm and 2 1/2 hours later of pushing my son was born! oh and you can still feel the pushing part with an ep so i don't have a clue as to how ppl do it natural.. ya'll are nuts!

Tue Nov 24th Joseph Alan Wieder arrived.
He was 8lbs 10oz and was 20 inches long. He was born at 9:56 pm 4 minutes short of 24 hours from the time we got there the night before. Longest 24 hours of my life! and my poor husband had been up since 4am the day before..

Looking back I can't believe how providential everything was. We were able to have an awesome date on sunday together and catch up with our family's before parenting began. Kyle had to go to work monday and was offered a job. We should have been sent home from the hospital that night but the nurses were awesome so we got to stay long enough to go into active labor. Our dads were off of work. My brother was home from tour and Catie and Annie were chill.

I'll never forget this experience. The way Joseph looked when they held him up and placed him on my chest. Gray and wrinkled. He was calm and quiet as soon as he heard his mommy and daddy talking to him and just lay there with his big blue eyes scanning back and forth listening closely. The look on Kyles face when he saw his son and the kiss he gave me when he told me "good job, i love you." The proud look on my moms face as she took pictures and bawled her eyes out. We had become parents and I have never been happier in my entire life! One of Joeys great uncles recently came over to meet him and made the comment that he was having a spiritual moment while holding him and he couldn't be more right on. Thats exactly how it is. I just stare at him and I'm in awe that this little baby was at one point microscopic and he is now a gorgeous healthy newborn that is half me and half of my best friend. I can't believe that we wanted to wait 5 years for this..

So yeah.. my labor of love in a nutshell.. I could give the details but who likes details.. Joey came out with road rash on the back of his head and a bruise on the front.. I think you could imagine the details now? very unnecessary. besides, the most important part of the story is the fact that I have been blessed with a husband I don't deserve and a beautiful son I can't take credit for creating. Life is good!

Bring the Heat

2009-11-23T05:04:00.000-08:00

mmm.. the smell of the heater. Strange that I think the heater even has a smell but it does. Its toasty and warm smelling.. obviously, its a heater! Its dark in the apartment, not a single light is on, I'm cuddled up under my soft flannel sheets and then I hear it. The click of the heater turns on, I wait a few seconds and then I can feel that warm air float across my cold face and I smell it. mm! When its dark like this and theres nothing around but the sound of early morning traffic driving down the road it makes dreaming so easy. I just close my eyes and with that single smell the heater gives off I'm suddenly back in the downstairs family room on rockurst court in fairfield. Its Christmas eve and the thought of Santa coming in the morning is too exciting to handle! Little did I know that when I grew up I'd be able to experience the same tingly feeling of being tired and wired at the same time run through my whole body just by drinking too much coffee or a red bull. Catie and I are wearing our matching nightgowns.. plaid Christmas colors with a white collar of course and we are dressing our barbies and applying new lip smackers in our cardboard SEE's playhouse. Tonys running around the outside of the playhouse in his camo pj's being the "robber" thats trying to break in and steal our toys.. walking through the door of the playhouse was never as fun to him as shoving a toy gun through the window of it and threatening his little sisters I guess. Kerri is just a toddler in footie pajamas with curly dark hair and a gap in her teeth.. she's crawling outside the playhouse where the robber is jumping around her but we don't let her in.. besides, our playhouse is made out of cardboard. She'd drool a hole in it or worse.. rip off the shelf on the inside that had pictures of SEE's truffles on it. God forbid. Not the truffles! Dad and Mom are in the living room upstairs with Nonni and Al. Not sure what they are up to as a kid, as an adult tho I'd assume mom was stressing about dinner and santa the next day while dad dozed off next to the green garbage bag full of wrapping paper. Suddenly the phone rings and Dad answers.. we all stop and sit quietly for about 2 seconds until we hear dad say it.. "well hi there Santa Clause!" Then its on.. the race to the kitchen.. somehow the "robber" always manages to shove in a push while Catie and I are tripping over our night gowns anyway and we all run around Kerri leaving her downstairs while we fight in the kitchen to get to talk to Santa on the phone.
Funny how that single smell triggers so much and I'm so easily back to that day like it was yesterday. Then suddenly my stomach feels like I have a sumo wrestler squeezing it with all his might sending shooting pain up my back into my shoulders. My hips feel like there is literally a large ball stuck in between them pushing them apart and my abdomen cramps like none other. I'm having a contraction. Suddenly I'm not in a playhouse, I'm in my apartment. My beautiful husband is off to work already and anxiously waiting for the call to come home and take his wife to the hospital so we can meet our son. Its 4:30 in the morning and I just ate a piece of pietros all meat pizza. Probably the cause of the contraction that just distracted me from my trip down memory lane.
Tony isn't a "robber" anymore and he's not shoving guns through my window. Instead he's my best friend and he walks through my front door to hang out with me and my husband. He doesn't wear GI Joe camo pjs.. at least that we know of and he's become more of a person that strives for peace and equality in the world than shoving little girls out of his way while trying to get what he wants.
Catie still wears night gowns, every day. She is still playing with barbies and her latest lip smackers is root beer flavor. We don't play in playhouses anymore since she is a 20 year old adult and even if she could fit in one we couldn't get her to the floor or inside it. I believe she's the reason I find myself day dreaming of old times more than enjoying current times. When I catch a smell from the heater Catie and I are best friends again rather than a caregiver and recipient relationship like I feel the majority of our life has been. Its not that I don't like our life, I just miss what it was and like to dream about what it could have been.
Kerri is far from a crawling toddler.. She still has her curly dark hair and has beautiful teeth now. She is still trying to get in on the activities of her older siblings and she doesn't let a cardboard door hold her back. She's not crawling on the family room floor anymore but instead traveling to Rwanda to help people in need. Talk about leaving those SEE's candy house snobs in the dust!
I even have 2 more siblings since that Christmas Eve.. My mini me and Anne marie.. never saw that coming!
I truly love my life and the people in it. I love how much these contractions hurt because they mean in a couple of years I will have an excuse to buy another SEE's Candy playhouse. I love how that reheated pizza hit the spot and most of all I love the smell of the heater because it triggers so much of the good stuff I've experienced in my life. It sends me back to my little girl days where my biggest fear and worry was whether or not I'd be able to talk to Santa before my siblings did.

Mission Accomplished

2009-11-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Our family day in Disney Land couldn't have gone better.. Catie was alert and excited the whole day.. She was so alert she got mad at dad for not letting her ride dumbo and space mountain.. Nothing a churro couldn't cheer up.
Annie was calm and happy too.. no fits or tantrums! They were both able to see tons of characters including Mickey Mouse and Caties favorite, Snow White.
The park was only open from 9-5 that day which I think is the shortest day our family has ever spent in the park but for some reason that day felt like it just kept going and going, but in a good way.
We ended the visit with a traditional stop by carnations for ice cream sundaes and you could see tears in everyones eye at one point or another. It was the most bittersweet ice cream sundae I've ever tasted. :)

Funny how that one day seemed so huge, scary, exciting, sad, fun and a million other things all at once and already it has become yet another family memory to look back on. Thankfully I have the thought of Joey's first trip to Disney Land to look forward to rather than always having to look back at Catie's last.

Happiest Place on Earth

2009-10-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know Catie know that these days she doesn't get many words out.. mostly just "mom/dad" and "mm hmm" or a strong "yes" or "no" depending on what you are asking her.. With that you could see why it was such a shock when she managed to get this out a few weeks ago, "da-dad. dizland dad, o-kay?" She has wanted to go back for so long now and I guess she was fed up with being told "some day cate.." and she was gonna make sure she got there so she spit out that sentence in the middle of dinner and thats all it took for dad to figure out how to get us on our way. We are even going as a whole family! Of course all of us kids wanted to be a part of her last trip to her favorite place on earth and my parents were given some gifts by some sweet people to help out and thats made it possible for us to go. We'll just be in the park for one day, tuesday. All she needs or really can handle. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think any of us are. Dad of course crys when he thinks about stopping for gas half way there let alone thinking about the whole trip. I do to though. I cry when I think about leaving that day. Knowing we'll be back before we know it with baby Joey but Auntie Catie won't be able to come along. The only thing at this point that stops the tears and puts a smile on my face is the thought that its Nonnies last trip to disneyland too. I tell it like it is and thats just the plain truth. Aaaanyway, I'm not sure what to expect other then some crying parents and a happy Catie? I don't know if it will be awesome or horrible. I don't know if she'll even be awake that day.. she could have seizures and pass out all day and not even know we are there.. on the other hand, she could have one of the clearest days of her recent life.. We'll have to wait and see...

Heres to hoping she has the best day of her life..

oh and that I don't get mistaken for a float in the parade with my swollen feet..

..to be continued...

A Big Day

2009-10-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

October 20th 2009. A day I never imagined being the way it is. I used to think that October 20th 2009 would most likely be a sad one. Catie would be turning 20 but Juvenile Batten kids rarely turn 20 so I figured she wouldn't be here and it would be a dark sad day. Instead its here and its awesome.

Tomorrow Catie will be 20 years old, alive and happy. She will have overcome the "late teens" half of the juvenile batten disease life expectancy and be entering the "early twenties" half. What a gift! She has experienced many declines and is now a mumbler and hardly able to get out of bed or her chair but is still further ahead then what I could have ever imagined her being at this point. She is still the same happy kid full of smiles, hugs and laughs. Its hard to celebrate her 20th birthday because it only seems realistic to assume its her last, just like I assumed her 19th was her last and her 18th before that. I guess I have to always soak in the big moments and treat them as if they are the last even if I've been doing that for the last 8 years. My goal for tomorrow is to enjoy it so that if it is the last birthday she celebrates with us I can make sure I remember it as the best birthday she celebrated with us. Its bittersweet. Its reality. Its here, her 20th Birthday!! Happy Birthday Caca Butt!!!

Another thing that is going on tomorrow that I never saw coming for October 20th 2009 is the CD release of This Time Next Years Road Maps and Heart Attacks. My brothers band recorded their first full length this February and it will be hitting the shelves tomorrow. It blows my mind! My big brother has been playing music since he was a little kid and in some kind of band since he was a young teenager.. Now he's on tour with his closest friends, meeting new friends, seeing the US and soon Japan all while playing music. Doing what he loves, living the dream! I can't tell you how often I think about him being gone and ask myself what my dream is? Rarely do people know their dream let alone be able to live it and that is what he is able to do. Tomorrow, I will be able to go to Best Buy and purchase a cd with my brothers name and picture on it that has some of his lyrics in it and obviously alot of his musical talent and ideas. Trust me, the cashier will definitely know whats up as I hand him my money.. He may not care who my brother is, but he will know by the time I leave. :)

So much for a sad dark day huh?? more like wow, Catie is still here, Tony is a rock star and I get to watch it all happen... Its gonna be a good day folks, a very good day.

The Dirt on Pregnancy

2009-10-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

actually, maybe this blog should be titled the 'dirt on anemia' instead?

wanna know something NUTS? this picture of dirt makes my mouth water. Crazy right? buuut I found out that its extremely common for pregnant women to crave dirt, especially when they are anemic like I just found out I am. Talk about a bum out. The one thing you crave like a maniac and its not edible. go figure...

In other news, we got a cat. I think he's satans brother. oh and Tonys leaving for tour again.. I'm not feeling so great about it this time. Call it the hormones but I have been priittty emotional over it lately..

I think thats it.

ciao

Ouch

2009-09-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

The last time I was awake until after 4:30 in the morning I was in lake tahoe with my best friends celebrating my last weekend before tieing the knot.
Now Im up past 4:30 in the morning in my home on the couch cuz we didn't just tie the knot.. we..tied..the.. knot.

this makes for poopy-head blog entry # 2 in a row.

can someone either give me that boost of energy people talk about getting towards the end or yank this baby out already before I go insaaaaane??
thank you.

Watch out!

2009-09-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

If one more person tells me I look due any day now AFTER I tell them I have 10 weeks to go, they will get to experience the built up frustration I have been growing inside from the last 20 idiots that told me the same thing..
For all those people that lack discretion, can you please tell me where I'm supposed to hide my now 16 inch long baby thats growing in my 12 inch long torso? Cause last time I checked I was 5 foot 1 inch tall and have nowhere for anything to grow but out. Also, can you please tell me whats wrong with being pregnant and looking like it? Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and if you don't like my tank tops and would prefer a tent top then tough luck!! my baby in my belly is cuter than your baby outside your of yours..sorry but I'm having a very frustrated moment and I'm over hiding it!
I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a healthy little baby boy that is continuing to grow rapidly and I love my huge belly, I love that it sticks straight out and I don't care if you think I'm too big cause I'm right on track.

Pizza Face!

2009-08-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. two nights ago, ready or not, I admitted it out loud to my husband without wanting to and you would have thought a bright light came shining through the window and I had felt relief already. Now for the fun part, fixing it.

Monday morning Elizabeth Johnson past away at 22 years old from juvenile batten disease. She was one of my ABSOLUTE favorite batten kids. She was fiesty but in a sweet and funny way. Stubborn but friendly. She would make you laugh so hard at the things she said. I'll never forget one of the first conferences that I met her sister Rachel who explained that any time Liz was mad she'd call you pizza face.
One other thing about Liz was her similarity to Catie. No lie. If you saw them sitting next to each other you could only assume they were twins. Same hair texture/cut. Same face, same body, same mannerisms and same interests. It was really kind of freaky, but cool at the same time.
Liz will be missed very much by more than just her family. Like all the other Batten angels, she was fabulous.

Dad called to give me the news Monday night and I tried to brush it off. Tony and Kayla were coming over, no point in sulking when you can be thankful and happy to have what you do. Duh. Buuut that doesnt mean pretending like nothing happened, which I did. Until later that night when there were no more distractions to hide behind and reality smacked me in the face. Catie will be 20 this october! thats great, and I've been so excited about it until monday when I was reminded that 20 is old. There is an ending to her life that alot of times I'm used to the thought of so I don't dwell on it. Ever. I just focus on how happy she is today. Not a horrible thing to do, but like anything you have to have balance and I've had none for the past couple years. I've pushed the death stuff waaaaay back and just kept the comfy stuff forward and when you do that any time a tiny bit of death stuff creeps back in you go insane, like I did monday night. Crying like I haven't cried since I was 16 and consumed by the thought of caties death. litterally. My husband did his best to reassure me that its ok and then it happened.. unintentionally I blurted out, " I will not be able to live without catie. I have always looked out for her my whole life and without her it will be like my life is gone too."
whoops.
I never said that out loud, I've just thought it. the true fear that if Catie dies I will too. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. The thought that taking care of my husband and son and annie or the rest of my family will not be the same.
So now for the fun part. Getting help. Finding someone to talk to about it that can help me work it all out so that I can at some point get help for my fear so when the day comes that Catie becomes an angel with Liz, I will be able to accept it. Cause as of today,no matter how much I pretend, theres no accepting any of it. The death stuff at least.

Week 25

2009-08-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

today is the beginning of my 3rd trimester!
I'm soooo anxious to meet this little guy!
Almost time...

Bring It.

2009-08-10T21:11:00.001-07:00

or don't? I'm not sure if I'm up for the challenge.
I'm sitting with my swollen feet up as high as they'll go hoping they will deflate asap. swollen feet, typical in this heat during a pregnancy but a little more frustrating tonight for this reason.

We were sitting in the car with a joke of an a/c when annie suddenly shouts, "i'm gonna barf kel!"
I turned around to see her little face bright red and dripping in sweat like someone had flipped a switch on in her little body. I quickly tried to bend over the seat to find something for her to puke in but keep in mind my giganto belly was jammed between the two front seats and the center console blocking me from getting to her.
bla bla bla you could imagine what the next 20 minutes was like as I started swelling up like a balloon and became short of breathe just from trying to move in the heat. good news is she never did throw up! it all came out the other end. in the car. with no a/c.

we survived cause thats what we do, but on the drive home I started thinking about my poor parents. I was the child that wasn't allowed in the car without an empty gallon size ice cream tub between my legs. I was a puker. ok, maybe I still am. shh. its a secret. My poor parents had to jump to the back to save me in almost every car ride of my childhood years.

then it hit me like a smack in the face.
In 31/2 months I will be giving birth to a reproduction of myself.

Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Thank Goodness

2009-08-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5

Reality TV at its best!

2009-08-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Latest binge: old family videos.

Lately when I'm over at the house with the girls I've found myself stuck in front of the tv watching old videos.. only when the girls are sleeping of course :)
Its weird, I always find myself crying during them and then laughing. I really hate them as much as I love them and I can't turn away. I found one the other day that was recorded 20 years to the exact date.. just by chance. Kind of freaked me out but I got over it and into the vid.. Mine and Tonys first trip to Disneyland, July 27th 1989. Mom was pregnant with Catie and we were in our glory while dad was behind the massive camera. I couldn't help but wonder while watching it what life would have been like if it were just Tony and me but I never dwell on that since its impossible to know. I did get stuck on the fact that mom was prego with Catie. So weird. Watching the video mom and dad just seemed like they had it all together, the perfect life.. 2 kids, a third on the way, first trip to disneyland.. house, great job. Ideal. They had no idea what was coming the poor things.
Overall the video was awesome and once again I found myself in the garage digging through vhs's today.
I found one of my Nonni Ellas (great grandma) 85th Birthday. I was stoked! She is #1 on my most respected people list. This lady could do no wrong in my world, I don't care what anybody says. She loved everyone and never said a mean thing about anyone. Even if she thought it she kept it inside. She loved God with her whole heart and her family was in close second. I could go on for days. annnnnnyway...
I was so glued to the tv just soaking it in and I realized 7 people in the video are now gone. 7! in 12 years. Some families never even lose extended family members.. Sometimes it sure seems like my family is cursed. There was Nonni Ella, Nonni Ann, Aunt Sandy, Uncle Harold, cousin Alan, Uncle Frank and Grandpa Al. I just wanted to jump into the 15 minutes of shaky screen and hug everyone! Then there was Catie talking clearly. I forgot what her voice sounded like, I've been so used to her deep raspy mumble that she's been living with for the last couple years that I just wanted the camera to keep in one place while she talked and laughed. I started getting sad missing them all but couldn't get upset cause there was too much to laugh at. Like, Moms glasses, Auntie kerris hair-do, the fact that I really did look like chunk from the goonies, Uncle franks crappy dentures, Kerri flirting with our cousin, everybody rolling their eyes at nonni nini and everybodies clothes. The video rules and I can't wait to show joey his family members when he's older.
One thing that really blew me away was the end of the video before it cut out, Nonni ella was opening her birthday presents. The last present it showed her open was from Uncle Frank. It was a snow globe with a figurine of Jesus in it and it has the Lords Prayer engraved on the front. Its the same snow globe that sits up in Amys room right now and that Annie wraps up on EVERY birthday and EVERY holiday for the person recieving gifts. Can't wait til my birthday in April when I can open it up again.
When that part of the video scratched out a new part popped on. It was video of my dads family at great America. Nana, Poppie, Aunt Cathy, Juliane, Uncle Vin, Mimi-may she rip, Uncle Jim, Aunt Marianne and Uncle michael were all there. They were all getting on and off the rides, poppie included. Imagine that, Poppie riding roller coasters?? Love it!! I'm so relieved that my dads side of the family has been so fortunate to all be so healthy and grow together. Its refreshing.

so yeah, basically I'm hooked on the best of reality tv!

Love that splotchy skin..

2009-07-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

From Frump to Fab in 3.2 seconds.. want it?? so did I and I got it.

You'd think the hundreds of compliments I get every day from my best friend, my husband, would be enough to keep me feeling the way he sees me, but thats not always the case.. A slight combination of pregnancy and long time insecurities can sure lead me straight to a frumpy feeling kinda groove. I'm not so into it.. We all go through it at times but usually find ways to get out of it.. but lately I've felt stuck. I know what kyle thinks of me but what matters most is what I think of me.. being happy in your own skin.. unfortunately I can't diet.. I'm pregnant for goodness sake! and why would I feel the need to diet? I've only gained 6lbs total.. all baby weight for the first 22 weeks. That alone should make me feel fab! buuuut it doesn't quite get me there.. ok so maybe the hair.. I used to wear a trendy little cut that I loved but with baby on the way i'm thinking something that can't be thrown in a pony tail isn't a smart choice so attempt # 2 is a fail. Tan skin.. one of my faves.. I love to soak up the sun and always feel fab when I do but as much as I try this whole pregnancy thing is giving me more of a splotch look then a golden girl feel.. no big deal, that leads to skin cancer anyway. what about my clothes and accessories?? well clothes, i'm doing the best I can but I think i finally need maternity.. no big deal. Accessories?? unfortunately I can't do the toe ring thing cuz i keep swelling and can't do my trademark gi-ganto ring for the same reason.. MAN! its hard to be so fab lookin these days!!
Then I noticed something. Two holes in my ears.. 4 total. and they were empty. So I went to the store, got myself some bling and BAM!! Just like that, in the 3.2 seconds it took to put my new earrings in and a tiny bit of makeup on, I'm feeling that fab groove again. I'm not thinking about the fact that my ears are the only thing that aren't growing and my ears and eyes are the only thing I have to work with right now, I'm just enjoying it.

Oh and I'm also not going to think about how completely conceded I am and how self focused this blog entry is. I'm pretending I'm helping the world by saying "hey, ya may not be able to look fab from the neck down but girl, if your feeling the frump comin' on then work those ears!! put some bling in them and love the skin you're in!"

A First

2009-07-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a first for me, I registered for baby stuff.. scared me out of my mind, but was also so exciting. Thankfully my mom had no problem going with me to help give me some pointers.. Its a little early to make one but I dropped cupcakes off at a baby shower yesterday and got too excited!!
Besides, who doesn't want an excuse to walk around with the little red target gun? I DO!

http://www.target.com/registry/baby/1GAKJ16CY9VK6/guestview

Curious

2009-07-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling little Joey kick and dance so much lately has gotten me so curious about this little boy. What will he look like? what will his personality be like? will he be obsessed with ice cream like his mommy? or maybe a deep thinker like his daddy?
One things for sure, he loves music. I brought him along to tonys show, like I had any other choice, and he was kicking like nuts! then last week after a saturday of being completely still and freaking me out, he starts dancing up a storm as soon as worship started at church Sunday morning.

Even though he's moving and growing well I still have my worries, what mom doesn't? Every body says it, you hear it any time a preggo is around..

"it doesn't matter if its a boy or girl, as long as its healthy."

uuuuh, yeeeeah. about that. um, what do I do with him if he's not? uh, do they have like a 'shove it back in and fix him til he is healthy' doctor?
Heres the thing, Tony Catie and Annie have been heroes their whole lives and since they are my sibs I understand why. Tony was born and seemed healthy, years later doctors found a tumor in his ear that could have paralized him and from it led multiple surgeries and no hearing in one ear... super healthy huh? a half deaf son.. not life endangering really, but not "healthy." Or Catie and Annie.. couldn't have been "healthier" babies until 12 years later for Catie and 2 years later for annie when they were both diagnosed with a terminal disease.. If you ask expectant parents if they want a "healthy" baby they don't picture tumors, deafness batten disease yet, these 3 people are at the top of my 'favorite people and things about life' list.
So being pregnant ourselves and having more of a clue as to whats important and knowing that healthy or not, you still want to meet your baby, we decided not to have the amniocentesis done for our pregnancy. We have heard all kinds of opinions on this decision but this is what it comes down to. Life or no life. We as a couple wouldnt terminate our pregnancy because of a health problem and yes it would make planning a little easier but no more than being shocked finding out after 9 months. My parents waited years. My siblings remind me that healthy or not I couldn't imagine them not being a part of our lives. I understand this is a personal thing, everyone is different, for us it doesn't matter. Gods had our babys life planned out before we even knew he existed so we are good with leaving it at that.
Heres the thing though. haha, there is always a thing. I am so used to changing adult diapers or pushing 11 year olds sucking on passifiers in wheelchairs made to look like strollers that I'm scared of our baby NOT having something wrong with him. weird? yeah pretty much, its just that I don't have a clue as to when a "healthy" baby learns to read, ride a bike or stop using a passifier. I think its funny that most people hope for a healthy baby thats "perfect" and not to say that wouldn't be wonderful, I'm just scared of it cause I don't know what its like. I'm used to growin up with a bunch of weirdos that think their doctor is just another uncle they visit once a month...
I guess I don't have any other choice then to keep trusting God.. if I can trust him for 9 months and not worry about a test then I think I can trust Him for the rest of Joeys life.. easy or not.
Poor baby, he hasn't even left muh belly and I already have a helmet and glass bubble life getting ready for him to jump into.. haha I'll calm down a little, don't worry..

MILK

2009-07-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

It does a body good.

And I just can't get enough..mm mm.. I just can't get enough.

Its a boy!

2009-07-14T13:14:00.001-07:00

Aside from the fact that we are completely excited and I am completely terrified of trying to potty train and raise someone with a ..well, someone thats not a girl, I am also completely in awe and not surprised.
Keep in mind I probably think things out way to much but this is what I've noticed.

Uncle frank passed away in jan.

Moms birthday is March 14th. One day uncle frank would NEVER miss, no matter what.

We made a baby the weekend of her birthday without even knowing it.
,
We found out we were pregnant april 1st, days before Uncles birthday, it was like a bandaid that helped with the pain of not having him here. You lose loved ones, and you gain loved ones.. lifes a cycle.

Today we found out we are pregnant with a boy. Uncle frank was a boy.:)

we are naming him Joseph Alan.. Dad, tony and Uncle all have Joseph in their names.

The baby is expected to be born days before the one year anniversary of Uncles accident that led to his death.

I don't believe in coincidence...

Im beat..

2009-07-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

...and have no energy to blog about my zebra cake, my two dead cars, my sis in law, lunch with nana poppie juliane alex jake and april or the hour and a half of sitting in traffic trying to get from spruce ave to the bay bridge. another day i guess, for now i must soothe my angry lower back/hips... being prego wipes ya out!

Sweet Dreams AnnieFanny

2009-07-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

This afternoon in an attempt to trick Annie into a much needed nap I found myself singing the same song to her that I sang when she was 6 months old. A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes by the one and only, Cinderella. Then it was just one of many disney songs she would recognize and grow up on and soon it became one of her very favorites.. when she was two she would say, "the dweem won kowly" (translated, the dream one kelly) and she began to request that specific song with a few others. As I sang it I got a little teary looking at her fall asleep.. She looks the same as when she was two and we'd sit in the rocking chair every afternoon... Same blankie, same passifier, same big soft forehead and the same sleeping seizures... the only difference now is she is 11, her legs are longer than mine will ever be, she barely fits on my lap and her seizures are stronger. That song still puts her out... the funny thing is I never thought about the song. it was just another princess song we have heard a million times, until today. I thought about it and I think it is completely fitting for Anne Marie of all little girls.

A dream is a wish your hear makes

when you're fast asleep

in dreams you will lose your heartache

whatever you wish for you'll keep

have faith in your dreams and someday

your rainbow will come smiling thru

no matter how your heart is greiving

if you keep on believing

a dream that you wish will come true

LovieDovie

2009-07-03T09:58:00.001-07:00

If you're not a fan of unicorns, rainbows, sparkles, sprinkles, baby animals, ponys, love songs, cupcakes, cuddling or kissing you should stop reading now.

This is a list of all thing things my husband is.. keep in mind there is much more than words can describe, but you get the mushy idea.

wonderful
cute
mybestfriend
funny
silly
serious
smart
handsome
hardworking
genious
nerdy
strong
quiet
fantastic
fabulous
outstanding
romantic
thoughtful
caring
protective
loving
sexy!
adventurous
responsible
friendly
outgoing
likeable
HOTT
goodsmelling
pierced
selfless
giving
amazing
dorky
sarcastic<3
goodlistener
goodhugger
goodkisser
good...seenextline
wonderfuldaddytobe
talented
muscley
kind
gentle
sweet
independant
insured:)
awesome
lookedupto
admirable
inspirational
solid
intriquing
electric
attractive
enchanting
appealing
exciting
incredible
patient
intelligent
clever
cool
and
allmine<3

Eye Opening

2009-07-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

the last week has been an eye opening week for me. Its got me thinking...

The death of farrah fawcett and the struggle her body and soul went through in her battle with cancer in the last few years made me look at batten disease as if it were a luxury disease.

The loss that farrah fawcetts parents have endured now losing their second daughter leaving them with no living children has made me so thankful for every single time I have barfed and every single little pain I've experienced in my pregnancy.. my child is living

The death of the king of pop leaving his children fatherless has made me thankful for my dad and the man that he is

The fact that the death of a child endangering king of pop has overshadowed the death of so many other deaths in the same day/week/month tells me our world is pretty backwards...

The fact my dad and sister were in africa worshiping with people that don't even own their own Bible makes me realize how spoiled and taken advantage of religion in the US is... I don't even read my own Bible every day

The fact that in America you can earn money and blue ribbons for having the fattest farm animal and never kill it but a goat that is smaller than my sisters corgi can double the income of a family living in rwanda makes me embarrassed to live near dixon california

While vacationing in lake tahoe I noticed people gambling during an economic recession.. like I said, I was vacationing... during a recession.

oh I know there were a few more things but my sleeping pills are kicking in.. the rest will have to wait... zzzZZZ

Dreams

2009-06-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just woke up from a crazy night of dreaming. I loooove dreams! I have alot of strange ones but they are all so vivid and so real. In fact they can get so real that I woke up crying in the middle of the night and when Kyle tried to comfort me and see what was wrong, I shoved him and said, "Move out! I want you out! I knew Tony was a bad influence on you!" he started laughing and asked what Tony made him do and I replied, "nothing, you did it to yourself! move out!"
I won't blog it up about that dream, no need. My next one is the one that was awesome!

but first, a back track. of course...

Yesterday while grocery shopping my mom and I started talking about future services that my family will hold for Catie and Annie.. I know, I know, what kind of sick people talk about that.. its weird and creepy. The kind of people that talk about it and plan it are the people that have the opportunity to know its coming. I mean, sure, Everyone knows their day is coming, but this is like, 2 kids whos days are coming. As sad as it is, we are SO blessed to have them around and to have the opportunity to plan their services. Its an opportunity to go to a "happy" service. If you look at Catie, can you imagine a dark room where everyone is wearing black and crying? no way man, try purple balloons for every guest there and celine dion's best dance songs blasting... Its like my parents say, if Catie dies before me or tony, she wins. Think I'm crazy all you want. If you don't believe in heaven or a Christ then it would sound nuts so I don't blame ya... but anways, here was my dream.

My whole family was walking into a huge opera house. There was disney music playing so I thought it was a disney show we were trying to find seats for... All the seats were taken by hundreds and hundreds of people... It was chaotic trying to get through the crowd of excited guests... And everyone was dressed up in costumes, some in tuxedos and ball gowns, some were in comfy pajamas, all the kids had balloons in their hands (animal balloons like you get from clowns) and there was popcorn and candy and then out of nowhere the front doors of the opera open and in come 20+ disney characters dancing just like you see in disneyland! winnie the pooh picked up Annie and began to swing her around and the Beast twirled dad around and he started doing his goofy relaxed dance that he does on vacations. Then dad stopped dancing and looked at me and his eyes swelled up and his lip started doing this shakey thing it does when he trys not to cry and he said, "kel, Catie would've loved this, wouldn't she?!" and I looked over and Mom was pushing Catie's wheelchair but it was empty with just a purple rose lying on the seat. this was her memorial service. Tony was standing by it talking to mandy and kerri and amy where hugging the characters and casey (caties dog) was sitting on the floor with a purple leash and it didn't feel sad at all. It felt like we were in disneyland, our favorite family vacation. Then I was trying to find a bathroom and the opera house didn't have any and I woke up. haha the end.

This was the first dream I've ever had about Catie being gone that didn't make me sad. I know to some, dreams don't mean anything and really, I don't look into them too much other than for a laugh most the time, but this one got me thinking. planning I should say. I never thought to bring casey to her service since casey is her favorite, or have everybody dress up! wear something purple, or wear your favorite disney costume, or wear the fanciest outfit you have. Heck I'm trying to get disney to ship a few princesses out now too...

The Angle of the Dangle

2009-06-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

K so, I'm trying to be patient but 20weeks seems SOOO far away still. 20 weeks aka BOY or GIRL ultrasound.
I understand to some people, this isn't too big of a deal, matter of fact, alot of people don't find out what they are having until the day that little kid is popped out. Personally, I have to know. waiting til half way through the pregnancy is hard enough let alone trying to wait the whole time?! I'm over calling it "it" like its going to come out a big fuzzy monster. It's sex needs to be determined so that it can be called by its name when I sing to it.
In my obsessive compulsive attempt to find out what the baby is before I can really find out what it is, I have done some research and i am disregarding the fact that all of my answers have come from myths. after all, they have a 50/50 chance of being right.
these are the gender prediction myths that I tested on myself honestly just like the directions say.

ring on a string: girl
needle on a string: girl
Chinese gender calendar: girl
American gender calendar: girl
How sick are you?: girl
BPM test: girl
Daddys weight gain test: girl
what are you craving test: girl

Honest to god I did not hack the tests, thats how they came out. So its understandable that since everything came out to be a girl I would just imagine it being one which is great, but if its a boy? I'm gonna be stoked just because the tests were wrong and it'll really surprise me.

Boy or girl, I don't care... I just need to know already so I can either shop like a mad woman for hello kitty EVERYTHING or rock and roll EVERYTHING.

The Ghost In the Room

2009-06-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

Imagine being in a room filled with people. You can't see them but you can hear them. All of them. You hear their voices and you recognize each one. You shout out a "hello" anxiously hoping to get a reply and you repeat that hello until you recieve one or you don't. You give up and continue listening. But then because of short term memory loss you forget that you gave up 5 minutes ago and you anxiously begin your second, but in your mind, first attempt at a hopeful reply. A conversation. A "how are you?". Then you get one! but its quick, like you're being brushed off. You continue listening, wishing you could just see who is standing next to you.

Its like you're a ghost. A 200lb gorgeous ghost with a presence that is captivating and you happen to be sitting in a massive neon purple chair. Now there is a ghost thats hard to miss and yet, it is looked over, passed by and ignored like its not there. You are the ghost in the room.

That is Caties life outside of the home. In church of all places, go figure. At school, hell, at any public function including the ones that are being held in her honor.

There are a handful of people, trust me, my family and I know who you are and we are so thankful for you. You are the handful of people that always give Catie and huge hug and excited hello. You let her hold your babies because you know nothing makes her happier. You ask her how her boyfriend is and if she is excited about her wedding. You ask her if she is ready to run across the finish line of her relay. You tell her you love her highlights in her hair or her sparkling dangle earings. You listen to her mumble, smile and tell her, "yeah! thats great!" even though you don't have a clue as to what she is trying to say. You hold her hand when you speak to her reassuring her that you are really there since she can't see you. You are the people that make her smile and feel like she is a part of whats going on.

Then there are the majority of people. Trust me, my family, myself and Catie know who you are. Yes, Catie knows who ignores her because she hears you. She hears your voice in the room and she gets upset that you won't come talk to her. She frowns and grunts and drops her head. She is very aware. You are the people that know she is madly in love with you and believes she will marry you one day, yet you pretend like she isn't sitting 2 feet away from you, hoping that if you're quiet she won't know you're there. You're the people that look right past her when she is sitting across from you. You are the people that pat her on the shoulder and say hello and then leave to a different part of the room and socialize since you got the 'be nice to the retarded kid' part of the day out of your way. You are the people that are too self absorbed to realize how smart and sharp her mind really is. You all brag about your academic achievements, your public volunteer work, your missionary work in your community, your success at your jobs. All great things to be proud of, but if you can't take the time to say hello to someone like catie then personally you shouldn't be proud of anything about yourself at all.

I am tired of watching Catie be ignored. Its not even since recently or anything, its been going on since we were little girls. Catie would cry when we were younger because she just wanted to hang out with all the other kids, but never being able to run or think as fast as them, it never worked out. She was treated poorly. There were a few kids that she was close to, 3 specifically that were so good to her. But now, they've grown up and act as if they could care less. My dad even called one of her friends and left her voicemails asking her to please call catie since she crys and asks about her all the time. 2 years later we've yet to hear from her. I really don't get it! Really, I'd love for someone to explain to me what it is. What it is about catie that makes them stop calling, stop saying hi, stop giving her the time of day. Maybe if someone could explain it to me I wouldn't keep tabs on the assholes that ignore her.
Like I said though, I keep tabs on the ones that do treat her like a person too.
I was talking to my mom tonight about this since she was almost in tears from frustration. Just wanting to scream and say, HELLO MY DAUGHTER IS RIGHT HERE! I tried to help mom remember that as upsetting as it is for us and for Catie, the people that don't talk to her are the ones that are missing out. Look at her picture, that smile is outrageous!

Some day Catie will be the ghost in the room. Her chair will be empty and we won't have the opportunity to talk to her and hold her hand. The people that truly love her and care for her will be heart broken but thankful for the times they got to visit with her. The people that act like she's not there better think twice before they speak her name to me.

Diaper Bags

2009-06-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

So of course I have been anxious to start a registry for our little baby. People have already asked if we have one so they can start shopping. so sweet!!

I'm a practical kinda girl... My husband and I registered at target when we got married okay? the glitz and the glamour aren't really necessary, just the basics. For the baby its the same.

So throughout my many days spent laying on the couch in between bathroom runs I have had alot of time to just look at and dream about baby stuff and still, I can't help but be practical. Babies are simple and they don't need much, can't say I won't get carried away with the little registration gun but, I'll try...

ONE EXCEPTION. I have decided. There is one thing I will not be practical about. THE DIAPER BAG. I realized today that this bag full of wipes, dirty diapers, bottles and many other baby things is going to become my new purse. If you think I'm gonna settle with a $30 pastel plastic velcro bag with a rattle hanging off the side, THINK AGAIN! I'm gonna spoil myself with a nice one.. fine, maybe not coach, but close to it! If this thing is going to house my cell phone and lip gloss along with the burp clothes, its gonna at least look adorable. and I don't mean, pink elephants and blue aligator adorable, I mean looks like a designer bag even though it cost less adorable.

I think every mom should invest in a hott diaper bag... just because you have a cutie pie hangin on your hip doesn't mean you have to have a cutie pie bag hangin from yo shoulder honay...

Time to start savin...

Gay Haters

2009-05-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

To the haters and the cowards I have something to say.
You act like a monster toward people who are gay.
you hope for their death and their burning in hell
tell me, when did you realize you're doing so well?
did the Bible you hide behind reveal something thats new?
that homosexuals and bisexuals aren't people too?
please show me where it says that, because the last time I checked
the bible has a long list of sins, not one should we neglect.
like lying and stealing, adultry and murder
who are you to decide which sin is the greater?
you sit on your couch in your cute little home
preaching your hate of a world you don't even know.
the coward thing is, if given the opportunity
you'd never give your opinion out in public on the streets
you save it for your bible studies and christian swap meets.
this hate you have is not the only secret you keep.
how 'bout the double standard of things that you love to see?
a woman with a woman, its ok cause you're straight
its not ok with the bible that you use so strongly to hate.
listen, this is the point.
The bible is clear that all sin is the same
making all of us sinners, ourselves we should blame.
so take that finger you point at the gay,
find yourself a mirror and point, point away.

Its true what they say, people are not christians because they haven't met one, or they have.

The rules are simple and very clear. LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Over the first hump...

2009-05-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

Dear First Trimester,

Our time together is almost over now that I am 12 weeks and 5 days into this journey. I'm going to be honest, skip the bull sh*t and just get right to the point.

You were a complete pain in my side. You were worse of an experience than I had ever imagined. You stole 10 lbs from me in two weeks by making me throw up everything I did and did not put into my stomach. You then gave the 1o lbs right back 2 weeks later giving me an ugly vein in the side of my leg. You're lucky you don't have money or I'd be making you pay for my leg sleeves I will be getting tattooed on myself after this baby comes. Yes, I will be covering all of my war wounds with beautiful ink thanks to you. You made my home that I love and live in smell like a concert that sold old food and was sold out to smelly boys, hookers and dirty animals. I did not appreciate that whatsoever. You made me grouchy and snappy toward my husband who only wanted to love me through this. You made me spend way to much money on 711 slurpees and nestle quick choc milk and like I said earlier, you made me throw it all up. Thanks to you I have cried over silly things like greys anatomy, a baby story, last cake standing, fox and the hound, disneys planet earth and the santa cruz beach. You have taken my outward apperance and turned it back into a me I only knew and looked like at an awkard age of 15. You've made my hair straightener my enemy and make-up back a chore. We won't even discuss my love life since that took a break due to the constant throwing up. You are exhausting and completely consuming.

I would however, like to thank you for sticking around, as crappy of an experience as you've been. You've allowed me to get to know my body better as well as the little baby growing inside of me. Not everybody has the joy of getting through their relationship with you so I do feel blessed. In a sick and tired of you kind of way.

I have to be honest, I'm not going to miss you. I'm not too sure why they call you the first trimester... You definitely aren't number one in my book. I'm guessing it turns out this way so that we prego ppl can get you done and over with asap. I will see you in a few years. I repeat, YEARS. no more surprises please. I'll invite you back into my life when I am ready to visit with you again.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to continue on with this pregnancy and get to know second trimester. I think i'm going to enjoy getting past this first hump and into the baby bump.
peace out you yucky three months.
adios.
caio.

p.s. thanks for my new boobs.... the look absolutely FANTASTIC!!!!!

"I'm with the SWAT team"

2009-05-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm staying at my family's tonight with Catie and Annie while mom and dad get a night away... I was in a hurry leaving my place this morning and didn't grab any pjs and now its that time of night. I promise you, you won't find me sleeping in that dress I had on earlier... its time to be comfy. Unfortunately I had to think about where I would find something to wear... There are a lot of shapes and sizes in this house and my tummy only seemed to fit one size. dads. (no dad, you don't look prego, you just wear the right size tshirt) So I found myself digging toward the bottom of my dads tshirt drawer looking for a pj shirt and was quickly sent back to rockhurst ct in a matter of seconds. Saturday night was shower-for-church-in-the-morning night... not the ONLY time we were bathed during the week haha just one day you could count on. We'd climb out of the huge tub in mom and dads bathroom. The one surrounded by the orange and gold leaf design of wall paper all the way up to the ceiling and right under the window that looked down into the backyard of our dysfunctional neighbors. I've always been one for snooping and drama, even at a young age. :) Kerri just little with dimples on her cooling still making her 2 maybe? catie 4ish and me 6ish... we'd all shiver as we walked over to the stairs to look into the picture hanging on the wall across from the stairway. You could see the reflection of the tv so we'd check to make sure we hadn't missed that nights episode of "COPS." Family tradish to watch it saturday nights. That reflection in that picture was bomb... I watched my first episode of Americas Most Wanted and some of Top Gun through that frame. Anyway, once we realized we hadn't missed COPS but it was coming on soon it was a rush to get our jammies on and hair brushed through. I remember having cute jammies... Barbie nightgowns and this one with colorful fluffy animal things on it but for some reason it seems like we always ended up in dads navy SWAT shirts on saturday nights. Maybe it was a quick one hit stop for mom? Bath, towels, and a SWAT shirt all in the same location, maybe we asked to wear them? That I can't remember, I just remember wearing them and feeling proud! Hoping at 6 that someone would come to the door and see me in it and think that maybe I was on the SWAT team too. haha right. We'd go downstairs and watch COPS while our long hair (down to our butts) was soaking the back of our shirts and then it was off to bed. I can remember Catie changing out of her shirt a few times cause it was wet... must have been those early batten moments of ocd and behaviors and she couldn't stand it, or maybe she just didn't like the feeling anyway.. I didn't mind though, I loved having it on. Like I said, I thought I could maybe look like the oversized tshirt was mine personally. It also smelled like my dad.. like a clean dad. Not like he had just had gotten back from swat training but more like the smell of the hug you got from him before he left. I even took his shirts with me when I'd go to my grandparents or a cousins house. I got homesick so it was like a blankie I could wear to bed. Plus it looked cool. Psh, yeah, my dads on the swat team, no biggie. Man it was a big deal as a little girl!! It has always stayed a big deal to me but as I got older I wore my own tshirts and jammies to bed and then before you know it youre a teen and its not cool to wear your dads old tshirts cause you notice the deoderant stains and they were oversized and we all know it matters what you look like when you crawl into bed by yourself with your dog. like, totally! Then all of a sudden you're an adult and married and your husbands tshirts become your blankie. You wear his when he's gone or when you stay the night away from him somewhere and you love the smell of his shirts. I'm sure our little kids will wear their daddies shirts to bed too... They won't be SWAT shirts but band t's and mac logos are just as cool right?
Funny how needing something to sleep in can flash so much memory into your mind so quickly. I didn't find a swat shirt but I found a relay shirt and I'm just was proud and comforted to wear it to bed at 22. It represents the SWAT member that is now a tiny bit older and maybe not laying in a bush for hours at a time but running miles to raise funds and awareness for the battle he and his whole family are going through. It represents the dedication he has continually shown to take care of each one of us on top of everyone else in his world day after day.
Maybe if someone sees me in it they will think I'm a runner???!!! haha who and I kidding. Me making someone think I'm a runner is as likely as making someone think I'm with the SWAT team at 6 years old. Here's to looking up to your dad and hoping though!

oh and for the record, I'm wearing amy's pj bottoms. Yeah, I fit in them, its chill.

My Family...

2009-05-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

...is beyond blessed by our family, friends and community.

Should I Cry Now?

2009-04-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

..or when I find the dead mouse on the trap when my husband isn't home.

So you know how your sense of smell is like a freaking scent vaccum when you're prego? Well I swear I have been smelling the most horrible smell ever in our apartment. I have had lysol parties with myself spraying the crap out of everything in sight and litterally crying to Kyle about the awful smell of our apartment and how its making me even more sick! I mean like aligator tears crying. He just shakes his head and says "I don't know what to tell you babe, you're nose is just sensitive, I'm sorry."
until today. I got a text from him saying "crap, we have mice. I found droppings all behind the couch." THE COUCH I HAVE BEEN LIVING ON!!!!!!! :::puuuuke:::
Hate my life right now! At least I'm not crazy and I really was smelling something. Now for the challenge of killing them... ALL OF THEM!!!

Operation kill-every-mouse-in-sight-and-get-my-nose-back-starts NOW.

Mom Times

2009-04-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ugh being sick is really getting old and I'm only at 8 weeks. bad news man, bad news. But I know it's gonna be worth it!! I'm over at my family's house today and I'm having a really good day! I have some food in my stomach which is an amazing thing. Its funny how I always feel better when I'm over here. You'd think it would be the opposite since the tv is always going, everyone is always talking, catie is always yelling at everyone for talking while the tv is on and there are animals everywhere. Wow, my family's house really is nuts huh? Well still, I would rather be on the couch here than in my quiet apartment. Who knows, maybe I just happen to hit it right and only come over on afternoons that are better than others. Maybe I feel better cause my mom is in love with her AC and blasts it making it nice and cool inside. I know its not the smell of dog or food that makes me feel better. I'm pretty sure its just my MOM! Its funny, it doesn't matter how old you are, you still want your mommy when you don't feel good. She makes the day better. She isn't even here this afternoon, she is running errands while I stay with the girls but its still where she lives, cooks, works, sleeps... moms kinda rub off on their home when they are in it 24/7. This is a pic of my mom and I "gettin down" or not so much, at my Uncles wedding last fall. I'm so ready to be feeling better all the time and get back to being a dork with her.. We always have a blast when we hang out and I'm ready for it again!!! So morning sickness, DIE!! Go away, I've got a best friend to get busy with...

The Nerve.

2009-04-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

Last May, one month after I had married Kyle Alan I was at work in the salon. A lady, her daughter and her daughters new baby came in to say hello. I've known them my entire life. Family friends, not as close as they used to be. They came in to introduce me to this new baby that was born just days after my wedding. After visiting for a few moments I was asked by the mother, "when do you and Kyle plan on having children?" a typical question that EVERYONE was asking. " not for a while, maybe 5 years or so, we aren't in a rush, just enjoying being married." She then obviously felt the need to give me her opinion. "well I certainly hope you will wait until Catie has passed away. You know how much she wants a baby of her own and you would be so selfish to have one while she is alive. That would be too unfair of you to do to her."

SAY WHAAAAAT???

Then her daughter, newly married and mother of a month felt the need to add to that. "You really need to wait a while anyway, its life changing and your first year of marriage can be a nightmare anyway."

I thought my tongue would bleed from biting it so hard, but they weren't worth losing my job.

Today, just short of one year later, I ran into them. They had been told by their son that I was expecting but didn't believe him. Instead of saying congratulations like most people, she asked rather rudely, "so is it true? you're really pregnant?" I excitedly answered yes knowing how angry she was inside!!! Time to rub it in kel, go for it!!!! She leaned over to her daughter and now 1 year old grandbaby and said, "it is true, you know what I told you about kelly?" they both gave a less then enthusiastic congrats and started asking questions about doctor visits due dates etc. and then it was asked with such a look of disapproval.... get ready!!! I was, I knew it was coming.

"How is Catie handling it? does she understand whats going on?"

and I told her all about Catie and how thrilled she is and how she is so excited to be an auntie and that we talk about the baby all the time!!! I said some other wonderful happy exciting things just to rub it in her face that this is a blessing!!!! and my husband and family are thankful and thrilled at this new life!! catie included.

Funny that I knew as soon as this lady found out I was expecting she would ask about Catie because she had told me already not to have a child cause I am selfish. I still can't believe the boldness that some people have. If she was a decent person and actually took the time to check on Catie, see how she is coming along, pay her a visit, her daughter included, then they would know that Catie is thrilled!!! Instead they live their life like catie doesn't exist and still for some reason think they have the slightest clue about her and what makes her happy.

See, there is always a reason behind me not talking to some people, I don't have the patience for ignorance.

ok, I'm done being a b****. Just had to get that out!!!!

Oh Thank Heaven...

2009-04-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

...for 7eleven.

Behold, the cherry slurpee.

My life.

My love.

My everything.

Baby Dolls and Mental Illness

2009-04-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

"Is it wrong to be scared of Annie being around our baby?" An honest question asked by my already over protective husband and new daddy. "she can be so rough with the pets, look at how she holds the cats upside down and stuff?!" I completely understand his concern. She is the baby of my family and has had little or no experience around an infant. I honestly can't remember a baby she may have ever held. She was also never one for playing with baby dolls. She hasn't had a childhood even remotely close to a normal child. When she did have "normal" moments when ocd was quiet and rages were sleeping, she would play with barbies or maybe stuffed animals but never babies. I tried my best to calm Kyles worries. I assured him she will be fine! She will realize like all children do that it isn't a kitten or a toy, its a real live human being and that will scare her into being careful. I told him that, like a toddler (since that is close to her state of mind) that you would teach about its new sibling, we will teach annie about her new niece/nephew/NIECE haha jk. We will teach her how to use a "baby voice" and how to sit down and hold the new baby when it comes.
Its funny how in a single moment you go from living your life as a single person to thinking about your child in every single thing you do. The first day I knew I was pregnant I was scared to walk or stand up after sitting or bend over to pick something up. I've calmed down since but now its a different kind of paranoia. Monday night Nonni asked if I will let her hold my baby. I told her "of course non! You're its bnonni" but inside I was thinking, "not in a million years you crazy old hag! Not unless you take all your meds that day and are sitting up straight surrounded by pillows!" ...and then there is Catie. The sister closest in age to me who I know would be sitting on the couch with me every morning eating all my saltines if she could. Helping me decide on what stroller is the safest and assuring me that its ok to "love" my husband, nothing will break. Instead she is at home wanting her own baby and talking about it every day. Yesterday mom found her "real life" baby doll that cries and laughs. She was rocking it and kissing it and then before i knew it the baby was laying sideways across her lap. looked like she was trying to feed it and I just laughed! Of all ways for Catie to hold it, she has no idea it really looks like she is nursing. About 20 minutes later I walked over to feed Catie her dinner and noticed her shirt pulled up and one boob hangin out. She knew exactly what she was doing! I realized, as long as she doesn't try and feed my baby, i'm more comfortable with her holding it than anyone else.

There is so much to think and worry about and enjoy in these next 9 mos. As far as Annie goes, Kyle came to pick me up yesterday and right as he walked into the room Annie grabbed Caties baby doll and said "hey kid! stop cryin already, ya givin me a headache!" and started pounding it on the head with her fist.
"see babe!" I said, "she will be fine with our baby..."

No April Fools Here

2009-04-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

So with this new excitement, only 23 hours old, Kyle and I had to laugh as we fell asleep last night.

quick back track-
We were walking up the stairs to our apartment, which I just realized will probably be my worst enemy come august, and were laughing and joking as usual. I told him to watch out cause April 1st was coming and being the Allio that I am, it was on. You just don't let days like April Fools pass you by without a good joke... We got to talking and a brilliant idea came to mind!!!! "I know babe, the perfect joke!! I'm gonna go over to my family's house and tell them I'm pregnant!! haha!!" Kyle laughed and shook his head and said "that is way outa line, you can't do that to them they'll hate you forever. Besides they wouldn't be excited because all we need is another 'you' runnin' around this world." ...yes. i slapped him for that. :)

So April 1st comes around and I woke up and looked through my missed texts and checked my calendar as usual. Then I realized what day it was, started doing the math and figured, eh i've taken a million tests, being the paranoid freak that I am, whats another. But this time it read different!!

And just like that we realized the joke was on us.

My girlfriends and family members of course wanted to know how we'd tell our family so thats the purpose of this blog...

Kyle had recently finished a VERY difficult school project. One that blows my mind and I'm so proud of him for. I told my parents about it and of course they wanted to see it so I used it to our advantage. I asked them if we could do like a presentation to the whole family since its so important to kyle... We even got Tony and Mandy to be there... I still can't believe we were able to get EVERYONE in the family room on such short notice. Kyle showed them his work and when he was finished we handed mom and dad a wrapped gift and told them that we are so thankful for the support that they have shown us bla bla bla so we got them a gift. Mom opened the card and immediately said, "you guys! this is a horrible joke!" Everyone got confused like, what are you talking about joke, and then she read it out loud. The card read, "dear poppie, nonni, uncle tony...." and a million aunties later they realized that it was the real deal!
then we went to kyles parent's house.
Kyles sisters is having a birthday on tuesday so we told her we had an early bday present for her. She unwrapped it and read a note on the front that said, "dear grandpa and grandma, aunt kayla and uncle mike..." bla bla bla. It was a pool floaty for a baby. ( they are like fish in the summer! ) Kayla just looked at us and said casually, "oh i already knew it. I seriously called it." haha so we handed the box over to a confused debbie who read the note, dropped the box and asked me if I was pregnant. When I answered 'yes', bill and debbie both dropped their forks and freaked out.

So thats how we told our families. there were also phone calls to grandparents, who were bummed to find out it was me on the line and not my cousin about to deliver her baby. I think they were pretty excited when they hung up. My nana, mother of 8 said, "don't worry kelly, I have a few surprises of my own. they're just as good as the planned ones."

We went to bed laughing at the craziness. Then kyle kissed me goodnight and said goodnight to our baby.

oh and for the record, the 4th test came out positive this morning. you never can be too sure.
hahaha

A Bet

2009-04-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

2 years ago on April 9th Kyle Alan proposed to me. We were engaged and would be married on April 5th a year later. During the year of our engagement our friends would joke and eventually made bets with each other. "Hey kel, I bet you guys will get knocked up before your 1st anniversary!" Being the debater that I am I argued til I was blue in the face. I didn't even think it was all that funny because Kyle and I had a 5 year plan.
We became man and wife on April 5th of last year. Our 5 year plan quickly became a 1 1/2-2 year plan. We had 2 scares throughout our first year. Each time we realized we weren't prego we would text our friends and remind them that they were going to lose their bets! Theres no way it'll happened.

This morning, 4 days before our one year anniversary, I decided to take a test. 3 tests later I was convinced.

They won their bets and we won the gift of a baby.

<3

Sunday Morning

2009-03-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Its Sunday morning and I'm sitting next to my sleeping husband. For the 1st time in almost 2 months, we are off for the day. The WHOLE day! No work, school, babysitting or events that pull us from each other in opposite directions. We woke up together and will go to bed together and I'm pretty positive we won't make it out of the apartment no matter how hard the world trys to pull us out.
I made breakfast in bed for my love... pancakes with caramelized peaches. He quickly fell back to sleep and I'm just watching him. Creepy?? hahaha well too bad. I love him! and I love Sundays like this. Its been too long since we just layed in bed listening to every copeland album there is, watching the bright green trees surround our windows and just laugh at people and life.

Don't call me, I'll call you. Its sunday.

BDSRA Bulletin Board

2009-03-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

This week another batten child became an angel. Thats 5 since Dec. 30th. Really though? I'm tired of reading the bulletin board every day and always seeing new Angels and questions about what to do when lithium doesn't work or parents and siblings that are losing their minds and needing any advice that they could possibly get. Its such a bummer sometimes.

Oakland PD

2009-03-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

Sgt. Sakai

Sgt. Dunakin

Sgt. Romans

Officer Hege

My prayers go out to the families and friends of these brave Heroes that selflessly dedicated their lives to protect and serve.

Love Thy Neighbour??

2009-03-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

Interesting week. People made accusations about/against me. Rediculous ones and being the debater and outspoken person that I am, I want nothing more than to call them up and tell them how it is. I've been so angry since I found out that I not only complained to my husband and big brother, but of coarse, to my mom. Who showed me this:

A reading by C. Spurgeon, inspired by the scripture, Matthew 5:43 "Thou shalt love thy neighbour"

"But, perhaps, you say, 'I cannot love my neightbours, because for all I do they return ingratitude and contempt.' So much the more room for the heroism of bearing the rough fight of love? He who dares the most, shall win the most; and if rough be thy path of love, tread it boldly, still loving thy neighbours through thick and thin. Heap coals of fire on their heads and if they be hard to please, seek not to please them, but to please thy Master; and remember if they spurn thy love, thy Master hath not spurned it, and thy deed is as acceptable to Him as if it had been acceptable to them. Love thy neighbour, for in so doing thou art following the footsteps of Christ."

I Am A Phoenix

2009-02-26T22:30:00.000-08:00

I saw this billboard while driving down the freeway today and literally laughed out loud.

Sunday, January 4th, Dad was driving Tony Kyle and myself to Kaiser sac to see Uncle Frank. He would pass away the next day. Obviously we weren't in the best of moods. Tired, emotional, worried about our mom losing her brother, our dad having to care for our mom through this loss and so much more.

One thing my dad has passed on to me is his sense of humor. My mom says its because of the job he works he has to be able to stay light hearted and crack jokes. I've watched this technique of his growing up and I like it. Thats why I used to sing the words "I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE..." during communion every sunday morning to my mom. It made her laugh, I doubt God will be upset with me for trying to make her laugh. This is why I think this is so funny...

We must have seen a MILLION of this same bill board between vacaville and the hospital. Finally dad started reading them out loud.

"I am a Phoenix" he'd say out loud. then we'd see another one and he'd say it again. Finally, we saw one while leaving the hospital later that evening and he said, "you think they only let certain people into their school?" we didn't get it. then he followed, "Its just that it looks like they only let ugly people in. You don't think they could get someone a little happier looking to sell their school? look at her, does she make you want to be a phoenix?"

And once again, my dad, father joe, said a not so nice thing about another complete stranger that made all of us smile and laugh when we all felt like doing the complete opposite.

Today when I saw this poor lady on her bill board, I smiled and laughed and thought of my amazing dad who has ALWAYS been able to crack a joke to cheer me up no matter what.

Just for Kicks

2009-02-25T18:58:00.000-08:00

Kyle took me to his school today to record a couple of songs I've written. I didn't have any fun at all. Psh. Look at the picture!! Haha... Talented or not, I'm determined to go back! It was such a blast to watch Kyle set everything up and do his thing. This is what he lives for. He was in his element and I got to be a part of it.

I made Kyle block off a window so no one could see in while I was playing and got nervous to really sing out loud even if it was only in front of my husband. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking of my brother. In a real studio in Baltimore recording with an extremely talented engineer. (not to say my engineer isn't talented haha) And not just recording some songs he came up with, but is recording a full length with the rest of his friends and band members. I can't imagine the pressure and the excitement. Made me miss him thats for sure. As silly as it sounds, and anyone with an older sibling would know, you always try to impress your older siblings. After all, what they do is cool, where they go is cool, what they think is cool, you get the idea. I haven't grown out of that mindset yet so I'll be honest, being in a studio recording my own songs made me feel pretty cool too.

I'm excited to hear my songs after they are mixed. especially the 30 second jingle I wrote this morning about meeting the love of my life at baskin robbins. Watch out world, "the scoop" will be hitting the shelves soon. haha. oh my.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-02-22T12:34:00.000-08:00

What do you know, another sweet looking little girl thats got spunk and is, dare I say it, feistier than me. Who better to have sing at your 22 Birthday party!!!

April 4. Warfield SF.

BE THERE.

Family Night

2009-02-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

I was driving with Kyle today while we ran errands. We were turning right onto Orange Dr. and across the intersection growing along the side of the road and up the over pass were the brightest orange poppies. I immediately got a warm fuzzy and said, "mmm poppies!" Kyle just laughed at me but not to hard because he is getting used to the random thoughts and outbursts that I have daily. I tried not to take it personal when he laughed because I knew he had no idea why I loved our state flower, but really... it hurt a little. psh haha. :)

My family moved to Rockhurst Court in Fairfield when I was really young. I don't think Catie was even born yet. I remember the day we moved in, laying on the floor next to Tony in our empty but soon to be filled family room eating a McDonalds happy meal. One thing I clearly remember even that young was how much I disliked the rod iron railing dividing the kitchen and family room. It was the kind of railing you have next to stairs on your front porch, not in your kitchen. I did however LOVE the green carpet in my bedroom because it was like having grass under your bed.

As I grew older I also began to fall in love with another part of our home. The Poppy field in our front yard. To be honest, I can't remember how large it actually was but as a kid it was HUGE! and gorgeous. Funny that our wedding colors were bright pink green and ORANGE. I guess I have always been attracted to bright colors. This field or patch for all I knew was almost magical to me. It was like something from a movie and I wast the main character. Catie and I used to lay down in them pretending to be Anne of Green Gables. I think it used to upset mom just a little that we were smashing her flowers, especially me. I've always been a chunky one. We used to take family pictures standing in the middle of them also. I can't remember one single worry or fear in those days. Not one. I always truly felt like the princess my dad always said I was. (still do unfortunately for kyle haha) but in a different way considering I don't stand in a patch of poppies with white gloves and a big easter bonnet on any longer.

We also had "family night" on the front lawn regularly. My absolute favorite memory as a child. It was always in spring/summer, my favorite seasons of the year. Mom and dad would put two lawn chairs on the grass and watch Tony Catie Kerrie and I play together. They never stayed sitting for long. Dad usually was up in no time playing football karate and wrestling with us. Never could take him down. Mom was back and forth between the front yard and kitchen because whats family night without ice cream sundaes or smoothies? She always has taken simple things like playing on grass and made them taste amazing. The ice cream, not the grass. Funny how seeing a group of flowers can bring to mind some of my favorite memories in a matter of seconds.

I also love poppies because of my nana and poppies house. Every time we stayed at their house we would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was and still is an old oil painting of some bright orange poppies and the california brown hills in the background. I can remember standing on the bed just staring at it as a little girl. So drawn to it, Maybe it made me think of home since I never could manage to go away over night without feeling homesick. When I go to their house to visit or whatever I always make a point to peek around the bedroom doorway and make sure its still hanging there.

I was so happy to see those flowers today! Especially after having some not so great memories flood my mind yesterday. There always has been more good than bad my whole life. After all, I'm a princess. haha psh!

3 Legged Disaster

2009-02-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

Oh... The Relay. A 199 mile relay starting in Calistoga and ending in Santa Cruz filled with 5-8 mile legs that are all levels of intensity from flat across the golden gate or straight up hill getting into santa cruz. Family friend and coworker of my dads, mark s. thought up the idea of running it as a way to raise money for Batten Disease Research. The idea was so exciting! I should say, Is so exciting. The teams of runners have been growing each year since. There is even a team of girls walking this year. It went from Catie's Cops to another diagnosis making it Catie & Annie's Cops to more team members making it Catie & Annies Cops and Firemen and this year we have dispatchers and family friends walking. Maybe we should stick to something simple so we can actually fit the team name into the registration paperwork this year? like, THE RELAY haha.
Every year its so overwhelming to see how many people care. The group of people running and helping with driving, volunteering at different stops along the way etc. Its like getting a massive hug that squeezes so tightly that you feel as though you can't breathe. Every year! I love it.

The only reason I even thought about the relay was because Mom mentioned the dates to me yesterday. It has been on my mind for a while though thanks to my deep hate for craziness and lack of organization. The fact that the thought of driving down to santa cruz the saturday of the relay with all of my sisters, stressed mom, nonni and a car full of groceries makes my heart rate RACE might simply explain what the weekend is like without the need for details. It wouldn't be as crazy if the girls didn't have batten disease, but then we wouldn't be driving down anyway right? so this year in an attempt to simplify the weekend for everyone i suggested driving catie and annie down sunday for the end of the race. A brilliant idea if you've ever been a fly on the wall saturday night. I shouldn't care, but I do. Maybe its the control freak part of me. No I know there is more to it than that.

I'll back track since there is a reason for my anxiety and panic attacks over a trip to santa cruz.
I was 12 or 13 making Catie 10 or 11. She was completely blind and obviously slowing down but we didn't have her diagnosis yet so for all we knew she was JUST blind. psh. Being her sighted guide majority of the time(or at least in my world, it feels like it, i'm sure i'm wrong) I knew there was more to it. I didn't have a clue as to what but just cause your blind doesn't mean you can't memorize a song that you are singing. My mom paid to help her learn her songs, like a teacher ya know? and would get so frustrated because she couldn't memorize them and I didn't know how to help. Or her eyes. they used to roll and blink funny. No one else noticed it til months later when the became very obvious and she started having gran mals. anway, there was this event every spring with our homeschool group. It was called field day. A day that we all spent at a huge park in suisun and we'd all be divided into teams and play relay games and the winners would get a prize bla bla bla. I never told anyone but kyle about this day and how much it has affected me. I was so excited to go to field day, hoping i'd get put on the same team as my junior high crush and my closest friends. I did have a feeling I'd have to be caties sighted guide but hadn't mentioned it to mom. I had hoped that if I didn't say anything than I'd get out of doing it. I was always her guide at events, at least it felt like it. Church picnics and shopping trips. Sure enough, when we got there mom told me that she talked to Mrs Scwartzel and told her that catie could be on my team so I could help her. I was so angry, but felt so guilty for being angry that I didn't say anything other than "ok."
Now think of the last relay you played in. Not running relay but kid relay. It involves tossing water baloons back and forth to people, running through obstacle coarses with something in your hand, running through tires on the ground. How the HELL is a blind kid supposed to do that?! and how the hell does her sister who is her same size help her. Then throw in a bunch of controling and over competitive homeschool kids and you've got yourself a day that will scar you for life.
I did my best to get catie through the different obstacles but then finally we got to one that made me lose it. I still lose it when i think about it. You ever want to see me cry, mention the 3 legged race. They tied caties foot to mine and we had to race another team to a pole and back. I was trying so hard to explain to catie how it worked and what to do but she couldn't cognatively grasp it. "left, right" means nothing when you don't know the difference. We fell over a few times, and i couldn't even talk to her because of all the cheering, she started to just shut down from being overwhelmed. If you know batten kids you know that noise and craziness is too much for them. I remember looking at her when we were on the ground and she had the most determined face, like she wanted to keep going but didn't know how and you could see the fear and confusion in her eyes. She was squeezing my hands so hard trying to pull herself up. I can actually remember it hurting from her fingernails. I finally quit. I started crying and told one of the kids to go get my mom. I was done. it wasn't fair, she couldn't do any of it, i couldn't participate and the other kids were getting mad that they were losing. If only i could print the picture of her face that is embeded in my memory of the day. The thing that sucks is I still feel so guilty for being mean to her that day. for quitting and making her go hang out with mom instead of telling the other kids to go stick their fingers up their butts while we took our time.

Sometimes, when you try to save the world for a person that appears to need saving, you yourself are the one in need of a floatation device. Like when you're flying and they tell you in case of an emergency put your yellow mask on first. Every time they say that i think to myself, "are you crazy? what if catie was sitting here, she'd need it immediately!" EVERY TIME.

All that to say, the weekend of the relay can be rough for Catie and Annie. There is so much excitement and craziness. They don't do well when they are taken out of their normal world of eat, school, nap, eat sleep. The thought of them not doing well makes me not do well and that is why being the control freak that I am, offered to drive them down seperately on sunday so that they can enjoy the end of the relay with everyone without the 3 legged race-like day of driving.

I was asked to join the team of walkers and wanted to say yes so badly. I've always wanted to participate and always have the excuse of being too out of shape, or needing to help mom. Truth is I would feel like I'm not helping the girls by running. I'm gonna drive them down this year. Someday when they are gone though, I'm going to buy some running shoes and I'm gonna run it. For myself, not even for Batten Disease. It will be my "field day" or "homeschool relay" that I never fully participated in as a kid.

man the baggage. I'm almost positive that if I could let stuff go or at least talk to a professional that could teach me how to deal with it properly then I'd lose some weight without having to eat meat and veggies only.
I know that God gives us the life that we live, that He ordains each step even the ones that include others peoples feet tied to yours. It still hurts though and not because I don't have faith, but because God gave us emotions and He gave me ALOT of them.

Sweet Tooth

2009-02-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

One of my Valentine Cutie Patooties. I can't wait to open a bakery some day.
Love At First Bite Baking Co.
oooooh yeah baby

A Song for Anne Marie

2009-02-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

Why'd you have to go so soon
Don't you know that I need you
And I miss you
Yeah I miss you
Scary thing is you're still here
But your souls been gone for the past few years
And I miss you
Yeah I miss you
You come around now and then
But when you're here I don't pretend
That you're here to stay
'Cause I know in moments you'll slip away
And I miss you
Yeah I miss you
I can see your smile in your blue eyes
And I can hear your laugh in between your sighs
I know you want to leave for good
If you had the chance I know you would
But I'd miss you
Like I miss you
Why'd you have to go so soon
I can't wait 'til I see you

Happy New Year!

2009-02-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

Annie came home from school on Monday the 26th with a paper dragon that she had colored at school. She informed me that that day was the Chinese New year. We talked about our cousins that live in China and she told me all about the things they must be doing to celebrate. Then she asked me when our new years is.

quick back track: Uncle Frankie was in the hospital on new years eve this year. Anxious to catch a break from the stress of everything, Tony, Kerri and Amy all went to friends houses. Dad worked that night so an exhausted mom decided to go to bed at a normal time. Anyone in their right mind would put Catie and Annie to sleep rather than stay up all night waiting to watch the ball drop for so many reasons.

Back to the story. When Annie asked when our new years was I just told her its not for a while. She is way too smart for that. She was also VERY upset because the kids at school told her that we had already celebrated new years. The nerve. She could not believe they would say such a thing! She argued with them telling them it had not come yet and in her little world, it hadn't. Friday nights are sleep over nights. Annie either stays at our "hotel" aka apartment or I stay the night at the house. Trying to think fast I told her that New Years Eve was friday night! She was immediately excited and ready to plan. "We have to have shrimp with the red stuff, vegetables and ranch and toasting juice." She also made sure I had hats and poppers on the list. Pretty soon Catie was planning too. All throughout the week they would ask how many more days until the countdown and then finally it came. Mom continued to remind me that it isn't new years until the ball drops. How would we pull that off?? YOUTUBE.COM haha We watched a movie and ate all of the necessary new years eve junk food and then we watched the ball drop on the computer since the tv wasn't working all of a sudden. :) They were both in their beds and asleep by 8:00. Operation New Years Eve was a success!

It was a blast and I don't plan on ever forgetting it. I was reminded again of the beauty in their simple life. Its heart breaking to think of all they have to struggle with but nights like Jan 30th remind you that its not all bad. That sometimes they are better off not realizing they slept through new years cause their uncle was in the hospital but being happy to listen to someone countdown from 10 to 1 and blow some horns. Its simple happiness. I love it!

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

2009-01-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes.

And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave,

To the dark and the endless sky, my love.

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth,

I felt the earth move through my hands.

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird

That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you,

I felt your heart so close to mine.

And I know our joy would fill the earth,

And last till the end of time, my love.

The first time ever I saw your face.

-Johnny Cash

Went to Emeryville with the love of my life today. Walked bay street hand in hand, loving every second of it. We talked about life and how quickly it passes by. Talked about our past and favorite memories and hopes for our future. Like vacations we'll go on, babies we'll raise and albums we'll write and record. Talked about how fragile life is and how soon it can be gone. How we want to make the most of it and enjoy even the not-so-fun parts the best we can since we have each other and a mutual faith in God. To finish off the night, Johnny Cash and Carb free dinner. Now thats the life....

A Day to Remember

2009-01-15T21:29:00.001-08:00

We celebrated Uncle Frankie's life today at his memorial service. It was beautiful. The slideshow was my favorite part. pictures of Uncle doing things he loved the most with people he loved unconditionally. I think the only thing he would have done different was maybe have his best buddies do a jam session in his honor and cut the baptist preaching time in half. haha He never could sit still for very long...

As I was sitting waiting for the service to start I saw so many family members there to show support. Still, I continued wondering where Uncle was? Silly me. Like a little kid, I was looking forward to seeing my goofy uncle that would make me laugh on a day as sad as today. Unfortunately it was his death that made the day so sad. I still can't believe its all real.

I have to say I am a little jealous. He is in a place that I can't even wrap my mind around with My uncle, my Nonni Eleanor and many more of our loved family members. I still can't understand why it was him that had to go other than the fact that I definitely needed a wake up call. A confirmation of my faith in God. A greater appreciation for my family members. A larger sense of safety and smart choices. Seems like when he was here I took him for granted. Now I'm' learning so many lessons from him that I never thought would be the kind he would teach.

He is already missed so greatly. I know it will definitely hit me hard on my moms birthday or any of our birthdays. A guaranteed hang out time he would rarely miss. Or this summer when we are in his backyard swimming and he's not there spraying us with the freezing cold hose.

I can't wait to hang out with him again someday.

Uncle Frankie

2009-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

You'll be missed. May you rest in peace. Love you.

Twas the night before Christmas...

2008-12-24T22:48:00.001-08:00

A long day is over and I'm finally at home. Tired but happy. Happier than I've been in days. Its amazing how God can put things in perspective. Since my melt down at the grocery store I have been able to calm down and deal with stuff. Finally.

It definitely helped to have my "day off" with my husband, but I knew I wouldn't be away from the house for long. Can't help it right now. The thought of my sisters being without mom days before Christmas was too heavy on my heart. My husband, being the amazing support that he is, was right by my side while I picked up frosting and candy that would be used on our gingerbread houses. I was trying to think of "normal" things that kids do as Christmas arrives. This seemed fun? They loved it. Catie even made a trip up into the kitchen to help. Kyle, Tony and I then took kerri and Amy to their recital. They completely blew me away and calmed me down. They blew the other kids songs out of the water too. lol. I listened to their songs and was not only amazed by their talent and hard work but also reminded of why its worth it to be so tired. I love them like mad. I know that they are scared for uncle and they miss mom and all of a sudden I didn't care how tired, frustrated or worried I was. It became all about them and made today wonderful. I made it over to the house around 10ish after running to the store. I made amys Jonas Brothers bday cake and got a few things ready for lunch. Annie was getting pretty upset over waiting for gifts. You could tell she was trying to be patient. If Christmas was in june this year everything would have been ripped open by her and then broken by her. Thankfully she is doing well right now and all we saw or heard was a fuss. I brought her home with me for a few hours, we had cocoa, sang and watched a movie. I love when she is at my house, she is so relaxed. I also love knowing everyone at home is getting a few hours of quiet. We returned back to the house and welcomed some of Dad's siblings. Always nice to see them, always lame when not everyone can make it. I got alot of "thank You's" and tight hugs from my aunts and uncles for "saving christmas." haha not quite. you know that sparkling clean toilet you sat on? Kerri and Amy did that haha along with alot of other things to help. After the family left Kyle and I headed over to his family's house and just arrived home. I am so happy that my sisters enjoyed the day. I know I can't fix the pain and disappointment that they have right now, but at least they can eat xmas cookies and our traditional 3 coarse meal while they are going through this.

When Kyle and I got home we of coarse had to dig into a bag of Dove chocolates that we were given. My absolute fave. I love the quotes on each wrapper too. Kyle smiled and handed me his foil and said, "here, this ones for you babe." The quote read, "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Does he know me or what? I gotta stop trying to be a freaking hero. It is pretty rewarding though when its all said and done and your sisters hug you and say they love you.

If this year hasn't tought that Jesus is the reason for the season, I don't know what will. Thank goodness that I am forgiven for my selfish attitude over the last few days and my therapy session in Luckys. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about frankie, he is living out his life just how God planned and allowed.

Night, & Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-22T15:17:00.000-08:00

Saturday afternoon I came over to the house to say hi to mom for a little while to see how everyone was doing. Amy skipped down stairs and started talking. "hey i was thinking, after Christmas when things calm down..." and being the rude sister that I am I cut her off by saying "psh! yeah right. when do things ever calm down for the Allio's!" Too bad my joke was the truth. 10 minutes later Nonni called in hysterics. Uncle crashed his bike. He's at UCDavis Med Center in a coma. Doctors say to prepare for the worst. They are still waiting on the MRI results. Mom is there of coarse. She can barely leave his side. Talking to the doctors and caring for Shelia, making sure everyone has eaten and doesn't need a thing. I wonder when mom will be the one that everyone is caring for.
I keep thinking of Tony. What if it was my big brother? I really don't know how she is dealing with this other than she is just in survivor mode and won't stop to think or care for herself until everything changes. I'd like to say that she has the support of her own mom there but God knows thats impossible. Nonni would have to actually be willing to sit in a waiting room and care for people rather than worry about herself. It would mean skipping church in the morning and the christmas function at church that night. she really needed to pray though. and eat. and get presents from friends. and talk about all that she has gone through in her life. People are hurting for her as this may be her second child that she watches pass away but I wish they could realize she will be just fine. She lives for these kinds of things. I feel bad for her, i do. But maybe no more than I would any other person waiting in that hospital even with her as my nonni. brutal, i know. oh well. But that is a whole different story, or should I say rant and rave session. My biggest concern is my momma. People are amazed at her strength and her faith. I have to admit, I can't understand it. I do not know how she does what she does. I do know however that we as a family have been worried about her BEFORE this happened. What will she do if Frankie doesn't make it? She'll be strong all throughout the process like she is now, but what about after? I'm terrified to know. I'm not the only one either... Its strange. All of us kids are just worried about her more than we even are Uncle. Some people don't understand that, trust me I have the texts to prove it. yikes. but too bad. The truth is Uncle is closer to being in Heaven with God and his little brother than any of us! Why we beg to be able to keep him here longer is only our selfish nature. Knowing where he could be and how peaceful he could be just allows us to know that however much we are in pain over his condition, he really could be better off. I mean, he can't breathe on his own, he barely has a face and his brain is disconnected from his skull. com'on. Whatever happens I know is God's will. Its the waiting game that I hate. The thought of all mom has gone through and all that she has ahead is so overwhelming.
Of coarse with mom in Sacramento since Saturday at 2 o'clock, I'm at the house as much as possible. Back into "mom mode" once again. Being so busy and having to make sure I cover all the bases, it hadn't hit me how serious everything was. I even made it to the hospital yesterday to drive mom home and saw Uncles face, or whats left of it. You can't tell its him. That didn't even catch up with me in that moment because I still had to get mom fed and home safely. Got home, went straight to bed only to wake up and make shopping lists for today. Kerri and I got Amy's birthday shopping done for mom, Christmas eve and christmas day groceries bought. So busy in my mind i wasn't thinking about anything other than "don't forget the duraflames." It was in the freezer section that I lost it. I was trying to find raviolis and they didn't have 2 of the same flavors! I finally found a second bag of the same flavor and it was open so ravs spilt into the cart. I pulled a classic me move. "SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!" I took the open bag of ravs, opened the freezer door and chucked the bag into the freezer as hard as I could. slammed the door, looked at Kerri standing with her mouth open, started crying and moved on to the duraflames. Like really? I can't get a damn bag of pasta to feed my family on Christmas? its always the little things. I know very well its not the little things, its all the big things and not allowing myself to be upset. Always having to be strong and keep everything together. So I continued home, put the groceries away, decorated Christmas cookies with my sisters, made the antipasto treys for xmas day and roasted hazlenuts for mom. She has to have them on Christmas since she used to eat them with her Nonnu. I also got baggies of candy wrapped up for the neighbors. I tried to convince mom that the neighbors will understand, its just candy but she said that she would just put it together when she gets home tonight from the hospital. SEE?! aaaalways taking care of others. Not this time mom lol, i got it covered.
Maybe I'm not extremely worried about Uncle Frank and the fact that his brain is ruined because I haven't stopped to think about it! I'm too busy trying to take care of everyone and make sure my mom is ok. Oh well, thats how it goes right?
I can't even think straight, don't know what I've written. Good thing i just use blog rather than a shrink, they prolly would have kicked me out by now.
Annie is at denise's house, Catie is sitting quietly. She's having a bad day. Kerri & Amy are watchin tv and Dad and tony are with mom in sac. Kyles At work. So I'm guessing thats why i just spilt my guts... I have time to think about it all.
I'm going to continue picking up around the house and getting any gifts wrapped that are needed before kyle gets off at 7. We are going to oakland to his cousins for a xmas party. THE LAST thing I want to do, but I know kyle has been looking forward to it so I've got my sweater on and we're going. Tomorrow Kyle is off so I will spend the day with him until 7 when we take Kerri and Amy to their piano recital. They were so sweet, offering to miss it but heck, they have worked so hard on these songs!! They've gotta show off their hard work. by tonight everything at the house should be in order until wednesday. I'll come back over in the morning to get the house ready for the family to come over. People keep making the comment, "I can't believe this is happening to your family, especially this time of year." um, thanks but i'm pretty sure this could happen in dead of summer and it would still be miserable. Christmas, aside from the fact that Jesus was born, is just another day. At least thats what I'm telling myself this year. I can't think about the fact that it is mine and Kyles first Christmas and that rather than cuddling in front of our tree all day I will be cooking dinner at my moms and trying to stay positive, happy and in the christmas spirit for the sake of my little sisters. Selfish, I know. But I am bummed.
uuuuuuuuh. I need to get off this computer and back to staying busy. Amy needs a haircut anyway.

If only i could be as strong as my mom and take peace in the fact that God planned out my day today and already knows what tomorrow holds.

God Grant Me the Serenity...

2008-12-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

...to except the things I cannot change.

Note to self.

Next time tattoo the prayer on your forehead stupid, not the back of your leg.

A Baby Shower & A Funeral

2008-12-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

This weekend was long. Extremely long. Looking forward to a Baby Shower in honor of my new little cousin on the way, I worked busily on making a little pink baby blanket. It was the next morning that I was asked to attend a funeral with my dad in Ohio. Strange that I could fly to Columbus, try to comfort a lonely widower and then fly home in time for the celebration of a new baby. All in the same weekend.

Elaine Johnson passed away December 8th. She came home sick from work November 12th, was diagnosed with stomach cancer that had rapidly spread throughout her body and took her life in less than a month after symptoms had set in. She was the wife of Lance j, the director of The Batten Disease Support & Research Assoc. Obviously extremely important people to the Allio home along with hundreds of others accross the nation. Scary when half of the foundation of the organization passes away. Lance & Elaine were parents to two children. Lee and Lorena. Lorena suffered from Juvenile Batten Disease, just like Catie & Annie. In 1991 Lee, their healthy child, graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Wildlife. A huge fan of birds. Later that year he was killed in a car accident. Two years later in 1993 Lorena passed away from sickness with battens. I can't even imagine the pain of losing both of your children. all of your children. You could imagine how the loss of Elaine would seem to send Lance over the top. I was heartbroken just at the thought. Of coarse there was no way I wouldn't go support Lance at the Funeral with my dad. Just a little rescheduling this and that and My bags were packed. Perfect. A funeral. A reaccuring nightmare that wakes me up at night on a regular basis. Now a nightmare that i can't wash away with cold water. Dont forget about the cemetary and burial. I'm not sure that I've ever stood on cemetary grounds without crying. another huge fear. don't ask me why. I guess I should say anxiety rather than fear. The kind that tightens your chest until you feel like you can't take a breathe.
We got on the road at 3:45am Thursday and flew out of sac. Landed in Columbus at 5something that night and drove straight to the viewing. Lance was so happy to see us. He gave both of us tight hugs, so thankful that we flew out for him. The service was the following morning followed by the burial. Its amazing how a cloudy day, 22 degree winds and snow falling from the sky can make it an even more gloomy experience than it already is. After the service everyone met for lunch. It was there that Lance filled us in on Elaine's situation and how quickly everything happend. He looked like normal Lance. Maybe it hadn't hit him yet, maybe he IS just a remarkable person. Still too busy carrying for other people even after the loss of his children and wife to let it drag him down.
After Lunch it was off to Lance's home. There I found multiple christmas trees in his family room, all completely covered in ornaments. One was ALL birds. Lee LOVED birds. That was his tree. One was ALL teddy bears, in honor of Lorena and the other ALL angels. Elaine LOVED angels, especially after her children had passed away. I sat surrounded by trees quite overwhelmed as he shared stories about his children like they were just there yesterday. He also shared stories that give you goose bumps and like he said, prove that God really cares. As I sat listening I couldn't help but notice all of the old toys, school certificates, trophies and even Christmas stockings that had once belonged to his children. I also noticed Elaines shoes tucked under the table. Her nail files and magazines sitting next to her chair and her jar of her favorite candies, hershy kisses, sitting on the table, not quite empty yet. What do you do after your soulmate passes away?? Knowing lance all of her things will be donated to help someone in need.
I often took a break from sitting in that room as it was very overwhelming. I was drawn to the front room. There was something about it, it was quiet and more peaceful. A large family portrait sat on the wall. Pretty cool to finally see what his two kids looked like. The picture faced the open window and window seat. I love windows and LOVE window seats. I was so drawn to this window that I took the picture that I have posted. There was heavy snow falling outside, I could see Lee's bird feeder and plants that Lance was obviously very fond of. (he has plants all over their house.) Later after starring out that window multiple times, dad called me in to that same room. Lance then explained that the two plants in the window seat, the ones I had taken pictures of a few hours before were from Lee's funeral in '91 (large plant on right)and Lorena's in '93.(smaller plant in center.) He has kept them alive this whole time. Theres just something about that picture even more so now, that I absolutely love.
Lance was so greatful to have us there. We left saturday morning at 130am CA time and got home just in time for saturday night events. I'm still pretty emotional at the thought of all Lance has gone through. I've been thinking and praying for him constantly, wondering how he'll be after everyone has gone home. I'm sure after time he will be busy again. Elaine, knowing how determined her husband is, made Lance promise to find a cure before he himself dies.

ew. I feel so bla just thinking about it all.

RIP Elaine.

... Came to Mind

2008-12-06T23:58:00.000-08:00

if you read this and feel bad, guilty or think you know what its about don't. At least ask me what it is all about before assuming anything. I'm just letting my crazy self think outloud. thats all.

they constantly mourn the loss of her life. its so unfair that she is missing out. yet they fail to see the other sitting in the corner. what was the others life like?

it was spent as eyes seeing as much as possible, with the pressure of never missing a color or shape? life spent as feet walking confidently over gravel and mudd trying hardest to perfect each step so as not to disappoint. life spent as words speaking for the unspoken as a mind thinking for the thoughtless. always staying one step ahead of the game only to be held back.

how was her voice heard through you but your own was never loud enough to be heard? Her feelings, fears and worries always screaming over yours, causing yours to only grow larger. such a large burden for such a small person.

never speak up, complain or be angry. that is selfish, self centered and wrong. you are the strong one. the healthy one. the unaffected. suck it up. truth is you are the weak one. all the strength and support goes to the other. you are the sick one. you ache from the guilt and pressure. you are the affected one. never living a day without the thought of why not me. it is my fault, it has to be. I have to do better, be better, do more, be more.

tell me, who is affected when she is gone? she has no pain, no fear, no worry, sickness. You are left behind with the pain, the fear, the worry and the sickness. you are left to remember it every day.

tell me, who do you talk for, walk for and think for when she is gone? If you live your life being a person for someone else, how do you find yourself? will you be heard if you speak for yourself? or will you continue to stay in the corner, over shadowed by the loss of her?

Who had a better life? her or you? it seems as if you both missed out. lives swallowed up by two different evils, taken away. The only difference, hers will come to a peaceful end and you will be left behind to continue living with the pain.

blablabla kilah and I are turning it into a song... whoo.

Religion breaks people apart. Faith brings them together.

2008-12-03T21:40:00.001-08:00

Me here, just a little frustrated. okay, ALOT frustrated. How does a church get to the place that they have students patroling the sanctuary telling teenage guests attending youth group that they must stand up to worship, sitting is not allowed or they must leave. "20 minutes of time on your feet wouldn't hurt you dear, stand up and I mean now." Too bad that student had no idea who she was talking to and that she broke the last straw. This teenage girl is officially done with church and christians... add her to the list of hurt and offended. So disappointing. This is only one church, there are so many more examples of other churches and christians with the same attitude.

Sometimes I think that the best thing for this world of christians would be church consisting only of a letter from an apostle in prison read allowed to a crowd of people thirsty for the Truth, all crammed in a small room.

I made a decision long ago not to allow other people keep me from going to church. Sure some christians make the most judgmental statements but I don't go to church to look up to them or worship them, I go to "sunday school" for a reason. To learn and worship God. But not all people are the same. Someone forcing you to stand up to worship because God cares wether you are standing or sitting is the kind of thing that causes some people to think church, christians and God are a joke. .:I feel awful for the people that live their lives in wheelchairs. I bet God doesn't even listen to them, I mean com'on, they can't stand to worship!:. for crying out loud.

I do not blame people for not going to church because they have been hurt by the people in it. I do pray for them though, that they might find faith. Faith is so much stronger of a foundation than religion.

uuuuuuuuuuuugh. I think I'm done letting off steam now. wait???? uuuuuuuuugh!!! ok. now I'm done.

Its unfortunate to see religion take precedence over faith.

A Peak Into the Future

2008-11-25T01:13:00.000-08:00

I accidently allowed myself to fall in love with a surprise that I found out earlier today doesn't exist. All though it makes me even more excited at the thought of our future, I feel extremely disappointed. Even more disappointing is the fact that my husband had fallen in love also.

All in God's timing I guess. What a tease.

Not So Desperate Housewife

2008-11-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

This picture makes me laugh only because its pretty much me. Maybe change the pink dress to some jeans and tshirt and reduce the size of the fire since i haven't started one so large... yet... and yeah. this would be the last month of my life. I'm not even kidding, just ask my brother and sisters how their mac'n'cheese tasted. yikes. I'm really trying though!

... I just got back from a Batten Boutique that my Nonni's cousin held in honor of my sisters. It was fantastic. I can't believe the work they put into it!! They were so excited to see the girls, and Catie had the perfect morning for it. She was dancing and singing all the way up to sac! she hasn't had a morning like that in about a week. The fam hit up McDonalds for lunch on the way home.. I stuck with a diet soda and made some spinach when I got home. yum. Funny how since we got married people have noticed how "healthy" and "in love" Kyle and I are. I get it ok?? haha but can someone please explain to me how gaining some weight for a guy shows that he is being well taken care of and is in love, but gaining weight for a girl means you're letting yourself go. the nerve!! hahahahaha whatever. My spinach was delish... I really should have never gone this morning as much as I loved it. I had a fever when I left the house. I just might be as stubborn as Kyle says. Finally, I'm laying in bed. Gives me tons of time to think, and there is alot to think about.

It feels like everyone is watching and waiting to see what my job situation is going to turn out to be. I've been asked a million times why I'm not working and then given plenty of reasons why I should be. I haven't run into too many people that are thrilled about the choices Kyle and I have chosen for our family back when we were first dating. Stay at home mom. WHAT??!! why would you? you can't do that these days, thats stupid, be independant, why wouldn't you be making more $$ if you are able to, thats degrading... I have heard alot and I'm not even a Mom yet!! yikes. Its a bit frustrating. Thankfully I don't feel the need to explain myself or situation to anyone, so it takes some of the pressure off. But sometimes, I almost enjoy telling people my job situation just to see the puzzled looks on their faces and hear what they feel they need to tell me to do with myself. Truth is Kyle and I are getting by just fine. No matter how redic people think this sounds, God has taken care of us completely! I still have clients coming to the house for haircuts/colors and I'm taking care fo Catie and Annie still which I have grown to love even more. Annie asks regularly if I'm going to come over to play with her. Its awesome. I also have been asked about making some cakes since mom and dads anniversary. All these things keep us floatin'. I know its not anything I have done either, its just praying and having faith that we will be taken care of. A friend of mine asked me to help with a bridal party doing some updos. I drove to vallejo, made $100.00 came back to vacaville, tried to start the car and the battery was dead. That extra hundred covered the battery. Then on top of it all, the battery was taken care of for us by someone else! How does that happen??!! I'll admit. I'd love a new pair of uggs and some new sweaters for fall but hey, if things can keep going the way they are I'm fine without that stuff. Kyle and I have learned SO MUCH in the last month. This week was supposed to be my job hunting week since the anniversary party is over and i babysat for dad and mom. Kyle asked me to wait. He said we can get through til January because he'd like to have me home for the holidays, not working while he has break from school. He has been extra affectionate. I think its true!! Guys love to be taken care of! He loves to come home to a clean house, with dinner ready and see his happy relaxed wife and don't get me wrong. He does not expect it, ask for it or get mad if its not like that one day. He is constantly throwing "thank you's" and "I love you's" and stuff at me all the time. It is exciting to have talked about the lifestyle we would love to have in the future and now with God's provision be able to be living it. I know people can't understand that, thats been made very clear. We do though, and we are SO excited. ...I am praying that I get the right job at the right time. God knows where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I'm not worried about it.

I can type for days. yikes.

Now a nap. I need to sleep off this cold. Dad was right. He said, "You should never pierce your nose... what if you get a cold?!" My nose ring is infected. ugh.

SIBS

2008-10-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. It was taken at my uncles wedding in a photobooth. Even though its just a joke picture and we were messin' around, theres alot of truth to it. I mean com'on, look at sweet little Amy, she looks like she really is about to punch someone! Maybe we do all have a tough side? Actually I know we do. We made this our personal "SIBS" picture. The nickname SIBS stands for "simply incredible batten specialist" just a cute little something someone came up with as a refrence to us kids that aren't the ones with Batten Disease. I guess its so much better than being called "the normal one" since we are very far from that. I love that when one of us is down, including Catie & Annie, these are the funny version of the faces you get from each of us SIBS. A couple people joked saying we look like a real mafia family, but if we had the organization and motivation of the mafia we probably would do some damage. Instead we are a struggling family that does its best to hold on to each other for dear life because other than God Himself, we can't find this type of security anywhere else in the world. Not even from other SIBS accross the nation. This picture contains 4 of my 9 best friends. I don't want any others. Friends are good, but Best friends, and there is a difference, aren't needed. I love my sibs. I love that they know me better than anyone else I've ever met and if I ever needed, Amys fist would be raised and ready to go in a second. :)
The wedding was beautiful, but the 30 seconds in the photobooth and the pictures that came with it were so much more amazing!!!

Still Honeymoon'in

2008-10-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

Over a glass of wine and a candle lit dinner, Kyle & I celebrated our 6 month anniversary on Sunday. It seems like we JUST got married! We are so happy with our life together. Can't wait to get to one year. He is so amazing, I can't imagine my life any other way.